Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Despite his magical powers, I don’t think Trump is thinking this through, to be honest.

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

Let there be snark.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

I was promised a recession.

When do the post office & the dmv weigh in on the wuhan virus?

Happy indictment week to all who celebrate!

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Conservatism: there are some people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

They’re not red states to be hated; they are voter suppression states to be fixed.

Accused of treason; bitches about the ratings. I am in awe.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.

You are here: Home / Politics / Religion / Religious Nuts 2 / Another Shocking Case of Anti-Catholic Bigotry

Another Shocking Case of Anti-Catholic Bigotry

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Steven Colbert gives it to Cardinal Dolan, twice, at a Time event (via):

Also, Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke is here tonight. Also an instant, instant feminist icon. Famously tested, testified before Congress, that Georgetown, a Catholic institution,should be required to provide insurance coverage for her birth control.

Now, TIME 100 honoree, his eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan disagrees — sir, lovely to see you again.

Of course, now some, some critics have said in response to this that if the Catholic church’s insurance does not cover Sandra Fluke’s birth control, it shouldn’t cover Cardinal Dolan’s Viagra.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, that’s called celibacy plus. That’s how the pros do it. Because chastity is one thing, but it shows true commitment to uphold your vows when you are sporting a crook you could hang a lighter on. Oh, wow, see you at mass on Sunday, sir?

I hope he doesn’t become Pope.

I’m a Catholic, it’s okay. I go to confession, it will be fine. Thank you.

Read the whole thing to see how Dolan is like Spanx.

Reader Interactions

86Comments

  3. 3.

    AA+ Bonds

    I was going to point out that Stephen Colbert is a liberal Catholic in an earlier thread but I was afraid that BJ might collapse from the strain

    He isn’t kidding about going to Mass btw

  14. 14.

    mistermix

    @BGinCHI: It’s Halperin cutting and pasting the transcript of an event, something even he can’t fuck up. (And that’s basically what he does most of the time anyway, isn’t it?)

  16. 16.

    Bago

    Isn’t a rather influential magazine supposed to have an editor? Because the number of times they missed the space key was appalling. Additionally, I have to say that the setup for the spanx joke was brilliant.

  17. 17.

    Uncle Cosmo

    Jeebus–“a crook you can hang your lighter on”–?!?!?!? And he said that to his faith, uh, face?!?!? Woo-fucking-hoo! Colbert clanks when he walks!

  18. 18.

    yopd1 (formerly BDeevDad)

    Folks at Breitbart are having a hissy fit that Colbert is on the Time 100 list. Hint, it’s not the number of viewers, it’s who’s viewing that’s important.

  22. 22.

    Bago

    Insults? You key-dropping nugget-munching son-of-a-Gingrich! An egg of Beelzebub put on the griddle has reached a higher state of consciousness that your queech minded corporeal form has ever had the option of rising to. To describe the depth of your depravity, James Cameron would need another few decades.

  29. 29.

    Bago

    @gaz: I might be hungry, you saline-soaked sorry excuse for a 12oz chunk of fatty fatty flesh! Ham it up. I dare you!

  30. 30.

    Roger Moore

    @BGinCHI:

    Pretty good, so far, jagoffs.

    I’m sorry, but the insults so far on this thread, including my own pathetic contribution, have been generally lamer than a three legged dog. Nobody who’s made it out of the first grade would think adding one or two scatological terms to a response is enough to constitute a serious insult. We need to up our game at least to the point we can outdo a typical Teabagger with terminal Alzheimer’s.

  34. 34.

    Bago

    Your words connect with this planet much in the same way a neutrino does. Your memoirs will be used as a weapon of mass destruction, as the imbecility will prove to be fatal. Should you be cremated, the ash cloud will render continents uninhabitable.

  36. 36.

    Bago

    Your name will be indexed in a search engine cache with negative connotations. Someone will be bothered to sign you up to Chinese spam bonnets. May you wind up on the TSA’s watch list. May you become a Mets fan in the playoffs.

  41. 41.

    handsmile

    The invaluable Garry Wills insults the Vatican on its latest authoritarian edict, “Bullying the Nuns”: http://www.nybooks.com/blogs/nyrblog/2012/apr/24/bullying-nuns/

    Genuflect for this, you bastards:

    The Vatican has issued a harsh statement claiming that American nuns do not follow their bishops’ thinking. That statement is profoundly true. Thank God, they don’t. Nuns have always had a different set of priorities from that of bishops. The bishops are interested in power. The nuns are interested in the powerless. Nuns have preserved Gospel values while bishops have been perverting them. The priests drive their own new cars, while nuns ride the bus (always in pairs). The priests specialize in arrogance, the nuns in humility.

    And to demonstrate that they’re just as happy to bully schoolchildren, there’s this: “Catholic Church urges pupils to sign anti-gay marriage petition”: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/apr/25/catholic-church-schools-gay-marriage

    Joey Ratz and his cabal insult the faithful each and every day.

  43. 43.

    Gin & Tonic

    @Roger Moore: I wouldn’t dream of setting foot on your lawn, covered, as it is, with the droppings of the syphilitic goats you fuck there.

  47. 47.

    Keith

    Oh, crap, Bill Donahue is gonna be PISSED! Well, he’ll be even more pissed (plain pissed is his ground state). Dunno how Comedy Central will be able to weather *two* boycotts by the Catholic League and its friends of other religions.

  48. 48.

    trollhattan

    @Keith:

    Good point. Any chance he’ll watch “South Park” and make it a trifecta? Maybe his blackened heart will finally ‘splode.

  49. 49.

    shortstop

    Although it’s his professional actions and stances that inspire the most disgust, I can never see Dolan’s name without remembering the 60 Minutes interview in which he simperingly confessed how hard it was to stop looking at pretty girls when he decided he had a vocation, tee hee hee! Never has the collective sexual intelligence of America been as insulted as when Timmy, with vaudevillian subtlety, played the role of a heterosexual male for Morley Safer.

  50. 50.

    Martin

    Honestly, the debate over whether cloning is ethical should end with Colbert. Totally worth it.

  52. 52.

    Bago

    May your alarm clock fail before your next interview. I hope your ISP flushes its DNS cache at an inopportune time. Break a leg, kid.

  53. 53.

    jl

    I did not know that Timothy Cardinal Dolan was a feminist icon.

    I learn so much from Colbert.

  59. 59.

    geg6

    Heh. We need to clone Colbert.

    And replace that asshat Jon Stewart with the clone. I’m pretty sure that aspiring to be the next, hipper David Brooks is something that even a clone would find too degrading and dehumanizing to contemplate.

  60. 60.

    Svensker

    @MikeJ:

    Why is somebody who rebranded the girdle one of the 100 most important blah blah blah?

    Do you KNOW how many Boomer women there are who were facing middle-aged spread? Spanx was epic!

  62. 62.

    geg6

    @Svensker:

    Seriously. IMH53yearoldO, the inventor of Spanx should get a Nobel Prize in physics.

    Another thing about Colbert, to get back on topic, is that he gives me faith that there are still Catholics out there who actually live what the church should be. I may be an atheist and have my own personal wars with the Church, but I would be as happy as could be to see the church I grew up in be a religion I could respect, the way I do Unitarians and Episcopalians.

  63. 63.

    gogol's wife

    @trollhattan:

    Yes, I can’t believe he did it again. This is incredible. I admire Colbert more than I can say.

    I will probably be shouted down for this, but I think it’s his strong faith that makes him able to do this kind of thing. Really. If you read the profile of him in the New York Times magazine you know what I mean.

  65. 65.

    trollhattan

    @gogol’s wife:

    You won’t get any flack from me. He clearly has the courage of his convictions and if they are rooted in his faith it’s not so rare. I continue to be amazed and appalled at how much religion has been perverted in America in my lifetime to become cover for and even partners to political ambitions. Not that that’s new, but it’s overwhelmed things like, oh, the fight for social justice.

    Colbert’s just rolling old school. He’s as much at ease skewering those who would rob poor people as he his visiting our troops–it works because he’s not faking.

    I will probably be shouted down for this, but I think it’s his strong faith that makes him able to do this kind of thing. Really. If you read the profile of him in the New York Times magazine you know what I mean.

  66. 66.

    Villago Delenda Est

    Dolan is irredeemable boy buggering coverup scum.

    Fuck him. Better yet, put his worthless beanie ass in a tumbrel for proper disposition.

  67. 67.

    rb

    @gogol’s wife: I think it’s his strong faith

    He certainly seems to draw strength and surety from his faith, there’s really no contesting that. But it seems to me it’s at least as much his integrity that is the prime mover here. He’s just not down with the lying, and where his faith is concerned, it’s important to him so he takes it personally and does something about it.

    In any event, he’s the kind of Catholic we need more of.

  68. 68.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    You whiny, simpering piece of excrement. I would say that you have all the intelligence of a cow but at least a cow can do two things that you can’t; chew and walk. That and you can look into its eyes and see intelligence, something that you clearly lack. The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg after a 30 second fevered coupling under the high school bleachers with the pig you call your father.

    And the rest of the football team.

    Oh, and Colbert fucking rules!

  69. 69.

    trollhattan

    Speaking of the Jesuits (we were, amirite?) they take a hunk out of Paul Ryan, as follows.

    In short, your budget appears to reflect the values of your favorite philosopher, Ayn Rand, rather than the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Her call to selfishness and her antagonism toward religion are antithetical to the Gospel values of compassion and love.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/24/paul-ryan-challenged-by-georgetown-faculty_n_1449437.html?ir=Politics&ref=topbar

    No Opus Dei spoken here.

  71. 71.

    AMD

    Holy Jesus, I love Colbert. Seriously, he has ruined other men for me. Now I just need video of smarmy Dolan’s reaction and my life is complete.

  76. 76.

    burnspbesq

    It’s not anti-Catholic bigotry to point out that certain members of the clergy may have committed felonies, and certain other members of the clergy may have (at best) gone out of their way not to know about it or (at worst) worked to cover it up.

    It’s anti-Catholic bigotry to assume that all Catholics are cool with that.

  77. 77.

    burnspbesq

    @efgoldman:

    and/or tells the flock to vote against Ryan in a homily.

    That’s not ever going to happen. That’s the one thing a minister can do that will absolutely, no-shitting-around cost his or her church its tax exemption.

    You want to hate on Ryan, fine. I’m right there with you. But don’t allow your hate to make you clueless.

  79. 79.

    Elizabelle

    I was particularly excited to meet David Koch earlier tonight because I have a Super PAC, Colbert Super PAC, and I am — thank you, thank you — and I am happy to announce Mr. Koch has pledged $5 million to my Super PAC. And the great thing is, thanks to federal election law, there’s no way for you to ever know whether that’s a joke.

    Read more: http://thepage.time.com/2012/04/25/clinton-and-colbert-at-the-time-100/#ixzz1t7Aty7aO

    Stephen Colbert is the only person in a room full of “influentials” with the courage to say that.

  80. 80.

    karen marie

    @the Conster, @Hill Dweller, @Bago, @Uncle Cosmo, @trollhattan:

    Stephen Colbert is my hero!

    His takedown of Dolan was a thing of beauty but what he did to David Koch? OMFG! I thought I was going to hurt myself falling off the chair in joy and astonishment!

    “Sure, he’s all for buying the elections, but when the bill for democracy comes up, Dave’s always in the men’s room. I’m sorry, I must have left Wisconsin in my other coat.”

    Hahahahahaha hahahahahahaha!

  82. 82.

    burnspbesq

    @karen marie:

    Not the same thing under the applicable tax regulations. Not even remotely the same thing. If you want to argue that those rules should be different than what they are, that’s an argument that can be had, but for the moment, they are what they are.

  83. 83.

    karen marie

    @burnspbesq: I’m not arguing that that’s not the way the rules are, I’m just pointing out that practice is different than theory. Look at all the crap the churches, Catholic especially included, have been pulling all over the place. Many church leaders have stepped all over the line, as it were, and I have never heard of any churches losing their tax-exempt status or even being fined in any way. A girl can dream though.

  85. 85.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Elizabelle:

    The guy is a comic genius, same with insults. Man can he deliver.

    Cardinal Dolan is probably in a real lather after that beating.

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