Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

“But what about the lurkers?”

Roe isn’t about choice, it’s about freedom.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

Presidents are not kings, and Plaintiff is not President.

It’s time for the GOP to dust off that post-2012 autopsy, completely ignore it, and light the party on fire again.

“More of this”, i said to the dog.

Why did Dr. Oz lose? well, according to the exit polls, it’s because Fetterman won.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

The words do not have to be perfect.

Eh, that’s media spin. biden’s health is fine and he’s doing a good job.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

If senate republicans had any shame, they’d die of it.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

Usually wrong but never in doubt

Damn right I heard that as a threat.

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Cat Blogging / That Mother Fucker

That Mother Fucker

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I didn’t want to cook tonight, so I bought a gut bomb grilled chicken sandwich and fries with an unsweetened iced tea for dinner. I heated it up in the microwave since I live 20 mins from Wendy’s and I bought this around four, took one bite, and the phone rang. Went and answered it, dealt with an issue, went back in and Steve had jumped up onto the counter, separated the buns, and ate the chicken out of my sandwich.

And what pisses me off even more is not only did he show no guilt when I yelled “YOU MOTHER FUCKER” at him, he just had the balls to jump up on my lap and groom himself while licking mayo off his fucking paws.

Look like I am having rice a roni tonight.

Reader Interactions

114Comments

  9. 9.

    beltane

    When you name a cat Steve he will behave like a Steve. You should have gone with Tinkerbell or Fluffy.

  10. 10.

    Honus

    You have to look at it from his perspective. You brought him some delicious food and he is happy. He loves you for this.

  12. 12.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    we’ve gotten sympathrtic to our old cat (15 in april but still spry and in excellent health) and been giving her wet food on occassion. She meows incessantly if we put the dry shit in her bowl. Spoiled rotten. she’s jumps up and scarfed our childrens’ food when it is left unattended…

  19. 19.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    @beltane: The Tao of Steve

    1. Remove desire
    2. Do something excellent in her presence
    3. Retreat

    believe it or not this can work…

  20. 20.

    The Moar You Know

    My recently deceased Lab once stole a Thanksgiving turkey off the counter – slowly pulled the edge of the towel the pan was sitting on – and managed to eat almost all of it with no one noticing – in a room with over a dozen people in it.

    I was so impressed with her stealing skills I couldn’t be mad.

  22. 22.

    Poopyman

    This is not your first cat. The fact that you still set the food down to go into another room to answer a phone tells us more about the human than about the cat, who will do what cats do.

  23. 23.

    Chickamin Slam

    Sure blame the cat for your talking on the phone endlessly.

    It’s also your fault for answering the phone. If it was really important they’d come over to your house to discuss.

  24. 24.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    We’re going to get two orange tabby brothers soon and name them Jesse and Mike.

  26. 26.

    Steeplejack

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall:

    Yeah, this is Darwinian selection at work.

    Cole, you have lived with your pack of scheming, thieving animals long enough to develop some basic countermeasures. You have only yourself to blame.

  27. 27.

    pseudonymous in nc

    Our dear departed goofy ginger cream cat once did this to a sandwich, and the look on my significant other’s face on discovering the reduction of said sandwich to two pieces of bread was straight out of Looney Tunes.

    Consider it a lesson that microwaves are also good for sandwich storage.

  28. 28.

    Poopyman

    @Gordon, the Big Express Engine: We got a mixed bag as the results of yesterday’s vet visit is official confirmation that one cat is over 24 lbs, 2 over 15 lbs, one under 10 lbs, and the last had dental work that included 5 extractions and eating is temporarily problematic. Gotta figure out how to slim 3 cats down and not kill the other two.

  29. 29.

    PurpleGirl

    @Mark B.: LOL. A friend’s cat liked to jump up onto the counter and the stove. One day she caught the cat on the stove as we were cooking dinner; she picked up the cat and said “You too can be real Chinese food.” When this friend lived in San Francisco there were a lot of rumors of cats disappearing in and around Chinatown.

  32. 32.

    The Moar You Know

    @Knight of Nothing: Oh shit. I am so sorry. We lost ours of simple, brutal old age two months and three days ago. She was a lot like yours: protected the neighborhood cats, raised the neighborhood kids.

    You’re right about the knife. My dad, not an emotional guy, said this and it’s true: some things just leave a scar on your heart that never goes away. He was right.

  37. 37.

    Matt McIrvin

    @Poopyman: Not all cats. I seriously doubt my cat Radka would do it–she only really likes dry kibble, with occasional canned cat food as a change of pace.

    My old cat Niobe, though, she’d have done it in a second. She’d steal food right off your plate while you were eating. When Samantha comes home late and I prepare dinner for her and set it aside, I hide it mostly out of habit from when Niobe was around.

  42. 42.

    Knight of Nothing

    Thanks, all. I know that almost everyone here holds their animals in high regard. We’re coming out of the shock slowly. But holy shit – I have a new sympathy for what Cole went through a few months back. Nothing can quite prepare you for a pet’s violent end.

  43. 43.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    @Poopyman: Communal feeding is tough. We had one fat one and we mixed diet food with regular food and over time he dropped a few pounds but was still 13+ at his low point.

    We went from 4 cats to 1 over the past 2 years. The oldest one is still with us. Two of them had the kidney wasting disease (a genetic thing apparently that strikes in the 5 to 8 year range – common in the greater Houston area). We had to give them daily fluid injections which prolonged things (in a good way) for about 6 months. The third cat just disappeared about a month after his litter mate died. He was the only obese one and showed no signs of the disease when he disappeared. Our 14 yr old is a healthy weight and her only issue is she lost a couple of teeth a few years back (extractions). She looks great and people are shocked when we tell them she is 14. She was born on the Eastern shore of VA and made the move down here and outlasted all of the other ones she clearly despised!

  47. 47.

    namekarB

    Yep. Wife had a roast resting on the open oven door. Shortly thereafter, here came our cat with a bite grip on one end and dragging it between her front legs out of the kitchen. I did lose it a little bit but dear wife talked me out of the trees. Years later it is one of those fond memories. Always remember that humans do not own cats. They just tolerate us.

  48. 48.

    gvg

    My sister still tells the story of how mom called her up years after she left for college to announce “your dog ate my breakfast”. Sis asked what happened….mom had friend show up at front door and put the plate down on the floor before going outside to chat. Naturally everyone else thought it was hilarious. What beagle isn’t going to eat ham and eggs?
    I also had a normally very well behaved golden retriever eat a whole bowl of raw pizza dough which I had not realized was attractive to dogs. We had some concerns about swelling but nothing happened except no homemade pizza that night.
    You’ll enjoy telling this story later on.

  49. 49.

    Hal

    My sister told this story once of her boyfriend talking to her animatedly while waving a cheeseburger around in his hand. They were both standing in the kitchen and as she was listening to the story, she says all of a sudden this little brown and white streak (terrier puppy) flew through the air and ripped the cheeseburger right out of her boyfriends hand and took off to eat it in a corner. She said they would have been mad but thought it was hilarious this little dog could jump so high. I guess if the incentive is right.

  50. 50.

    YellowJournalism

    Our little Cairn is becoming quite the sneak as she ages. I was always proud o the fact that as a puppy and young dog she never got into the garbage and would generally leave food alone as long as it was on a plate.

    It was when we had kids that she realized she could sneak up and take a bite out o whatever the boys were holding. That led to her also sneaking up to the coffee table to grab whatever goodies are left unguarded. Now she’s on a garbage kick. If the lid is left up, she’ll get on her hind legs and snatch whatever is on top. I need a taller can now.

  51. 51.

    lamh36

    I just want to thank you John Cole for making me LMBAO just now when I read this post!

    U and ur mercenary bunch of animals are hilarious.

  53. 53.

    ? Martin

    @gvg: The corgi as a puppy managed to nudge the pantry door open and proceeded to eat a 5 lb bag of flour, as neatly as you might imagine a puppy eating a bag of flour would manage. He had a pretty miserable few days as he passed what amounted to 5 lbs of plaster of paris from his digestive system and has never stuck his snout in the pantry since.

  55. 55.

    fuckwit

    Yeah, ya slippin.

    When the phone rings, why not shove the sammich into the microwave and shut the door. Cats can’t open microwaves last I checked. Takes not even a second. Then answer the phone. The sammich would still be there when you got back.

    You are sharing a house with dedicated hunters and predators. You really can’t let your guard down for a second.

    I once saw a sheperd/chow/malamute mix eat a flan off of a coffee table during a big family gathering. Just, yum, done, bye bye flan, before anyone knew what was going on.

  56. 56.

    Ash Can

    not only did he show no guilt when I yelled “YOU MOTHER FUCKER” at him

    Are you kidding? It probably made him all the happier. Dinner and a show!

  57. 57.

    StringOnAStick

    @Poopyman: If you need to slim down some but not all of your kitties, go with a food that is wheat and corn-free, like Blue Buffalo. We tried it because of what people here had said, and it worked wonders for our cat without all that whining over “why is my dish empty?!?!” She just naturally settled into eating less and lost the excess weight.

    Mr KnightofNothing, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  58. 58.

    Betty Cracker

    O/T: Watching clips on O’Donnell’s show of Obama’s interview with Chuckles Todd. Obama’s response to the swapping Biden for H. Clinton as VP rumor was terrific.

  59. 59.

    schrodinger's cat

    Boss cat once dragged steak wrapped in plastic wrap that I had bought from the grocery store, in the time I went to the car to get the remaining groceries. He had finished about a quarter of it, when I caught him red-pawed!

  60. 60.

    The Moar You Know

    @Knight of Nothing: She was sneaky as fuck, our baby was. And a damn good rodent-killer for an 80 pound dog. God, I am so sorry about yours. They go when they go, but there is nothing that can prepare you for when they do.

  64. 64.

    Spaghetti Lee

    Saw something interesting at ESPN: The question was put to readers whether the Dolphins’ GM and staff should have encouraged Jonathan Martin (the bullied) to physically confront Richie Incognito (the bully) in the drama they’d been having before Martin left the team. The results are almost 50-50, but the geographical dispersal is, um, maybe not surprising: http://espn.go.com/espn/fp/flashPollResultsState?sportIndex=frontpage&pollId=4039169

    The “Let’s you and him fight” contingent is strongest in Mississippi (59-41), Alabama, and Louisiana (57-43 each). The states closest to Canada, of course, were the ones hoping for a polite resolution.

  65. 65.

    Betty Cracker

    @schrodinger’s cat: Basically that the rumor was bullshit, that people like to make themselves out to be important by gossiping to the press, etc. But the part I liked so much was his warm words for Biden, whom he said is his personal friend, an important adviser, one of the best VPs in history and a guy who always has his (Obama’s back).

  66. 66.

    PsiFighter37

    I feel like this has happened to Cole repeatedly, with all of his pets. Still fucking hilarious every time I read about an instance occurring.

  67. 67.

    Chasm

    Calling Bullshit. Maybe in 1970 you had to “leave the room” to “deal with a call,” but in 1991 you have a wireless phone, and in 2000 fucking 13 you have a handheld computer which lets you multitask with vendors, instagram the dogs, and still guard your damn sammich. No sympathy.

  68. 68.

    Origuy

    Cole, your frat boys wouldn’t do anything like this, would they?

    Authorities in Wilmington, Ohio are investigating a fraternity initiation that resulted in a 19-year-old man losing a testicle….
    The Smoking gun reported that an affadavit [sic] by local police stated that Lawrence and two other pledges were asked to remove their clothes while blindfolded, then had a substance resembling “Icy Hot” pain balm rubbed on their groin, buttocks, back and nipples. The three pledges were also hit with towels “that had their ends balled up into knots or items tied inside them to inflict pain.”

  69. 69.

    Pogonip

    I get out of my car tonight. Cat from across the street is stalking a squirrel in my yard. We both freeze so as not to alert squirrel. Cat begins to inch toward squirrel. In the background, somber music plays as a hushed narrator talks about the balance of nature between predator and prey. Squirrel belatedly notices cat, panics, runs TOWARD cat and bumps into it. Cat leaps back, startled. Squirrel runs on up tree.

    ME: you missed the fvcking squirrel! How can you MISS A FVCKING SQUIRREL that runs right into your arms?

    CAT: (sits down, washes, pretends there no squirrels within a hundred miles of here anyway)

    The grim balance of nature between predator and prey is somewhat unbalanced tonight. At least on my street.

  74. 74.

    scav

    You leave tasty chicken unattended around Steve, you tell us the inevitable result, everyone here is on Steve’s side, this is just a chain reaction of inevitability. We need an intervention of random chaos, stat.

  75. 75.

    Narcissus

    @Origuy: “Hey, I got a great idea for a hazing! We rub cream on pledges balls and asses and thighs and stuff!”

    “…”

    “Uh, with icy hot I mean. Yeah, icy hot!”

    “Sweet haze bro”

  76. 76.

    Spaghetti Lee

    @Chasm:

    He either a) forgot to download the Protect Sammich app, or b) is such a dedicated misanthrope that the idea of a smartphone watching his every move gives him the chills, and thus all non-landline phones are verboten in the Cole household. You be the judge!

  77. 77.

    Poopyman

    @StringOnAStick: When Archie clocked in at 22+lbs last year I switched over to the Blue Buffalo Weight Control formula. Now he’s over 24. The vet thinks it might be good to cut out dry food altogether and go with a high protein wet food. And of course regulate the intake.

    That boy loves to eat. Purrs up a storm while chowing down.

  81. 81.

    Spaghetti Lee

    @Origuy:

    The three pledges were also hit with towels “that had their ends balled up into knots or items tied inside them to inflict pain.”

    Well, to be fair, they were warned not to sneak junk food into the barracks.

  82. 82.

    Hal

    @Betty Cracker:

    O/T: Watching clips on O’Donnell’s show of Obama’s interview with Chuckles Todd. Obama’s response to the swapping Biden for H. Clinton as VP rumor was terrific.

    I watched Todd give a tongue bath to Chris Christie this morning on MSNBC. He’s just so open and engaging! It’s so refreshing to deal with someone so transparent with the press! Why if he could have, he would have talked to us for hours!

    No word if Todd asked him where all that Sandy money is, or why he wasted 21 million on his vanity election. I’m sure he’ll get to that before 2016.

  83. 83.

    MikeInSewickley

    Yet Again… Balloon Juice has helped salvage some laughter from a really crappy day.

    Thanks…

  88. 88.

    bemused senior

    My dear departed cat Lady was noted for leaping for things (she once took a Christmas ornament she wanted to play with off a 6 ft high branch of the tree from a standing start). One morning we were having a bagels and lox feast and I got up to bring something else to the table. Seconds later she leaped and caught the lox from my bagel in her paw and ran off and ate it. You can’t be mad.

  91. 91.

    ruemara

    No offense, but you pussy. how are you bossed around by less than 15lbs of feline? Both of mine understood 2 things: Hooman food off limits; Pissing off the mama = shorter life span. Never, ever had a problem. Neither of the boys even get food off my plate, ever. Any treats are separated out from seasonings and served in their treat bowl. Get it together, man!

  92. 92.

    Crouchback

    The cat was clearly looking out for your health and was worried a fast food sandwich might be bad for you. So he bravely took the risk on himself and ate the sandwich. Simple as that.

  97. 97.

    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable sock puppet

    So, is it too late to re-christen Steve as “Bumpus”?

  98. 98.

    Anne Laurie

    MAINE COONS ARE PIRATES.

    Several of us tried to warn you about Maine Coons, Cole, but did you listen???

    Of course not. Sucker.

    Give Steve points for piratical politeness — even after you yelled at him, he still came and graciously thanked you for the delicious booty, I mean, snack.

    And start taking advice. Both microwaves and toaster ovens have cat-proof doors, if you must leave food unattended!

  100. 100.

    Joey Maloney

    Last Friday night I got sleepy and went to bed with a whole roast chicken sitting out on the counter. Got up in the middle of the night to pee to discover Patrick, my psycho hosebeast ginger tabby, happily munching away on one breast. He’d gotten well over half of it into his gullet in about 3 hours.

  101. 101.

    NotMax

    @Joey Maloney

    Got up in the middle of the night to pee to discover Patrick, my psycho hosebeast ginger tabby, happily munching away on one breast.

    Now that’s an entry for the Bulwer-Lytton contest.

  103. 103.

    Sherparick

    Remember Cole the pecking order Tunch taught you. Cats have staff (and Steve was delighted at the service you provided in bringing home that great chicken).

  104. 104.

    Craig

    Here: if you have a chicken sandwich…and I have a chicken sandwich…and I have a paw–see, here it is–and my paw reaches acrooooooooossss the counter and starts to eat your sandwich…I EAT YOUR SANDWICH! I EAT IT UP!

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