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Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you do not.

Weird. Rome has an American Pope and America has a Russian President.

Wake up. Grow up. Get in the fight.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

They punch you in the face and then start crying because their fist hurts.

Also, are you sure you want people to rate your comments?

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

The current Supreme Court is a dangerous, rogue court.

The rest of the comments were smacking Boebert like she was a piñata.

“A king is only a king if we bow down.” – Rev. William Barber

“Just close your eyes and kiss the girl and go where the tilt-a-whirl takes you.” ~OzarkHillbilly

Republicans don’t lie to be believed, they lie to be repeated.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

The fundamental promise of conservatism all over the world is a return to an idealized past that never existed.

America is going up in flames. The NYTimes fawns over MAGA celebrities. No longer a real newspaper.

Prediction: the gop will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

My right to basic bodily autonomy is not on the table. that’s the new deal.

Narcissists are always shocked to discover other people have agency.

This blog will pay for itself.

Republicans cannot even be trusted with their own money.

Rupert, come get your orange boy, you petrified old dinosaur turd.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

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You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Cat Blogging / That Mother Fucker

That Mother Fucker

by John Cole|  November 7, 20139:55 pm| 114 Comments

This post is in: Cat Blogging

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I didn’t want to cook tonight, so I bought a gut bomb grilled chicken sandwich and fries with an unsweetened iced tea for dinner. I heated it up in the microwave since I live 20 mins from Wendy’s and I bought this around four, took one bite, and the phone rang. Went and answered it, dealt with an issue, went back in and Steve had jumped up onto the counter, separated the buns, and ate the chicken out of my sandwich.

And what pisses me off even more is not only did he show no guilt when I yelled “YOU MOTHER FUCKER” at him, he just had the balls to jump up on my lap and groom himself while licking mayo off his fucking paws.

Look like I am having rice a roni tonight.

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Reader Interactions

114Comments

  1. 1.

    Sarah, Proud and Tall

    November 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Survival of the fittest. Suck it up, Cole.

  2. 2.

    Chat Noir

    November 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Excellent!

  3. 3.

    Yatsuno

    November 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Pwned.

  4. 4.

    Mark B.

    November 7, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    I hear fricasseed cat is tasty.

  5. 5.

    ? Martin

    November 7, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Nobody is impressed that Steve coordinated that phone call with such impeccable timing?

    No respect…

  6. 6.

    Yatsuno

    November 7, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall: Indeed, though he’s gonna be a cranky bear tonight.

    Hi darlin’.

  7. 7.

    Omnes Omnibus

    November 7, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Steve saved you from eating mayo. Good for him.

  8. 8.

    PurpleGirl

    November 7, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Cats like chicken. Didn’t you know that?

  9. 9.

    beltane

    November 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    When you name a cat Steve he will behave like a Steve. You should have gone with Tinkerbell or Fluffy.

  10. 10.

    Honus

    November 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    You have to look at it from his perspective. You brought him some delicious food and he is happy. He loves you for this.

  11. 11.

    Cervantes

    November 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Please do not yell at your pets.

  12. 12.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    November 7, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    we’ve gotten sympathrtic to our old cat (15 in april but still spry and in excellent health) and been giving her wet food on occassion. She meows incessantly if we put the dry shit in her bowl. Spoiled rotten. she’s jumps up and scarfed our childrens’ food when it is left unattended…

  13. 13.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    November 7, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    @beltane: are you a Steve or a Stu?

  14. 14.

    Belafon

    November 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    @Cervantes: They would yell at him if they thought he was smart enough to understand.

  15. 15.

    RobertDSC-Power Mac G5 Dual

    November 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    @? Martin:
    He has big paws to fill. The Tunchinator did own the world, you know.

  16. 16.

    BruceFromOhio

    November 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    Food insecurity is a terrible thing.

  17. 17.

    Knight of Nothing

    November 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    That’s probably why we love ’em: a true friend stabs you in the front. And a good pet will stab you right in the fucking heart without a second thought. My dog got hit by a car on Monday.

  18. 18.

    Mark B.

    November 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    @PurpleGirl: I read that comment at first as ‘Cats taste like chicken.’ And I was wondering how you knew.

  19. 19.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    November 7, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    @beltane: The Tao of Steve

    1. Remove desire
    2. Do something excellent in her presence
    3. Retreat

    believe it or not this can work…

  20. 20.

    The Moar You Know

    November 7, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    My recently deceased Lab once stole a Thanksgiving turkey off the counter – slowly pulled the edge of the towel the pan was sitting on – and managed to eat almost all of it with no one noticing – in a room with over a dozen people in it.

    I was so impressed with her stealing skills I couldn’t be mad.

  21. 21.

    Mark B.

    November 7, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: So sorry for your loss.

  22. 22.

    Poopyman

    November 7, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    This is not your first cat. The fact that you still set the food down to go into another room to answer a phone tells us more about the human than about the cat, who will do what cats do.

  23. 23.

    Chickamin Slam

    November 7, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Sure blame the cat for your talking on the phone endlessly.

    It’s also your fault for answering the phone. If it was really important they’d come over to your house to discuss.

  24. 24.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    November 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    We’re going to get two orange tabby brothers soon and name them Jesse and Mike.

  25. 25.

    MikeJ

    November 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    BIll O’Reilly will not be the least bit shocked to hear about your mother fucking iced tea.

  26. 26.

    Steeplejack

    November 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall:

    Yeah, this is Darwinian selection at work.

    Cole, you have lived with your pack of scheming, thieving animals long enough to develop some basic countermeasures. You have only yourself to blame.

  27. 27.

    pseudonymous in nc

    November 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Our dear departed goofy ginger cream cat once did this to a sandwich, and the look on my significant other’s face on discovering the reduction of said sandwich to two pieces of bread was straight out of Looney Tunes.

    Consider it a lesson that microwaves are also good for sandwich storage.

  28. 28.

    Poopyman

    November 7, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    @Gordon, the Big Express Engine: We got a mixed bag as the results of yesterday’s vet visit is official confirmation that one cat is over 24 lbs, 2 over 15 lbs, one under 10 lbs, and the last had dental work that included 5 extractions and eating is temporarily problematic. Gotta figure out how to slim 3 cats down and not kill the other two.

  29. 29.

    PurpleGirl

    November 7, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    @Mark B.: LOL. A friend’s cat liked to jump up onto the counter and the stove. One day she caught the cat on the stove as we were cooking dinner; she picked up the cat and said “You too can be real Chinese food.” When this friend lived in San Francisco there were a lot of rumors of cats disappearing in and around Chinatown.

  30. 30.

    BruceFromOhio

    November 7, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: Fuck me, I didn’t even know him, and all I got is tears for you. So sorry.

  31. 31.

    Chat Noir

    November 7, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: I’m very sorry.

  32. 32.

    The Moar You Know

    November 7, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: Oh shit. I am so sorry. We lost ours of simple, brutal old age two months and three days ago. She was a lot like yours: protected the neighborhood cats, raised the neighborhood kids.

    You’re right about the knife. My dad, not an emotional guy, said this and it’s true: some things just leave a scar on your heart that never goes away. He was right.

  33. 33.

    Steeplejack

    November 7, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    @Knight of Nothing:

    That’s awful. My condolences to you.

  34. 34.

    schrodinger's cat

    November 7, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Dissing kittehs is not a good idea, ask Lhota.

  35. 35.

    schrodinger's cat

    November 7, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: That’s terrible. I am so sorry for your loss.

  36. 36.

    jeffreyw

    November 7, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Ginger likes my homemade pastrami. He was gnawing at my sammy this afternoon.

  37. 37.

    Matt McIrvin

    November 7, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    @Poopyman: Not all cats. I seriously doubt my cat Radka would do it–she only really likes dry kibble, with occasional canned cat food as a change of pace.

    My old cat Niobe, though, she’d have done it in a second. She’d steal food right off your plate while you were eating. When Samantha comes home late and I prepare dinner for her and set it aside, I hide it mostly out of habit from when Niobe was around.

  38. 38.

    MikeJ

    November 7, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    @PurpleGirl:

    A friend’s car liked to jump up onto the counter and the stove.

    BEEP BEEP mother fucker.

  39. 39.

    Redshirt

    November 7, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    This is like the 100th time this has happened? When will our Cole learn?

  40. 40.

    jl

    November 7, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Now, how many years has Cole lived with pets in the house?

  41. 41.

    schrodinger's cat

    November 7, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Has Steve found the mustard?

  42. 42.

    Knight of Nothing

    November 7, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Thanks, all. I know that almost everyone here holds their animals in high regard. We’re coming out of the shock slowly. But holy shit – I have a new sympathy for what Cole went through a few months back. Nothing can quite prepare you for a pet’s violent end.

  43. 43.

    Gordon, the Big Express Engine

    November 7, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    @Poopyman: Communal feeding is tough. We had one fat one and we mixed diet food with regular food and over time he dropped a few pounds but was still 13+ at his low point.

    We went from 4 cats to 1 over the past 2 years. The oldest one is still with us. Two of them had the kidney wasting disease (a genetic thing apparently that strikes in the 5 to 8 year range – common in the greater Houston area). We had to give them daily fluid injections which prolonged things (in a good way) for about 6 months. The third cat just disappeared about a month after his litter mate died. He was the only obese one and showed no signs of the disease when he disappeared. Our 14 yr old is a healthy weight and her only issue is she lost a couple of teeth a few years back (extractions). She looks great and people are shocked when we tell them she is 14. She was born on the Eastern shore of VA and made the move down here and outlasted all of the other ones she clearly despised!

  44. 44.

    jenn

    November 7, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: I am so sorry – he sounds like such a lovable character! Sending you and your family a virtual hug.

  45. 45.

    chicodude

    November 7, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    This sums up my relationship with my cat. Sounds like it does for J. Cole also. :D

  46. 46.

    YellowJournalism

    November 7, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: My condolences. Losing a pet that way can be just brutal.

  47. 47.

    namekarB

    November 7, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Yep. Wife had a roast resting on the open oven door. Shortly thereafter, here came our cat with a bite grip on one end and dragging it between her front legs out of the kitchen. I did lose it a little bit but dear wife talked me out of the trees. Years later it is one of those fond memories. Always remember that humans do not own cats. They just tolerate us.

  48. 48.

    gvg

    November 7, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    My sister still tells the story of how mom called her up years after she left for college to announce “your dog ate my breakfast”. Sis asked what happened….mom had friend show up at front door and put the plate down on the floor before going outside to chat. Naturally everyone else thought it was hilarious. What beagle isn’t going to eat ham and eggs?
    I also had a normally very well behaved golden retriever eat a whole bowl of raw pizza dough which I had not realized was attractive to dogs. We had some concerns about swelling but nothing happened except no homemade pizza that night.
    You’ll enjoy telling this story later on.

  49. 49.

    Hal

    November 7, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    My sister told this story once of her boyfriend talking to her animatedly while waving a cheeseburger around in his hand. They were both standing in the kitchen and as she was listening to the story, she says all of a sudden this little brown and white streak (terrier puppy) flew through the air and ripped the cheeseburger right out of her boyfriends hand and took off to eat it in a corner. She said they would have been mad but thought it was hilarious this little dog could jump so high. I guess if the incentive is right.

  50. 50.

    YellowJournalism

    November 7, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    Our little Cairn is becoming quite the sneak as she ages. I was always proud o the fact that as a puppy and young dog she never got into the garbage and would generally leave food alone as long as it was on a plate.

    It was when we had kids that she realized she could sneak up and take a bite out o whatever the boys were holding. That led to her also sneaking up to the coffee table to grab whatever goodies are left unguarded. Now she’s on a garbage kick. If the lid is left up, she’ll get on her hind legs and snatch whatever is on top. I need a taller can now.

  51. 51.

    lamh36

    November 7, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    I just want to thank you John Cole for making me LMBAO just now when I read this post!

    U and ur mercenary bunch of animals are hilarious.

  52. 52.

    PurpleGirl

    November 7, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    @chicodude: Good comic. Yeah, it seems to sum up how a number of my friends feel about their cats too.

  53. 53.

    ? Martin

    November 7, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    @gvg: The corgi as a puppy managed to nudge the pantry door open and proceeded to eat a 5 lb bag of flour, as neatly as you might imagine a puppy eating a bag of flour would manage. He had a pretty miserable few days as he passed what amounted to 5 lbs of plaster of paris from his digestive system and has never stuck his snout in the pantry since.

  54. 54.

    Knight of Nothing

    November 7, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    @The Moar You Know: achievement unlocked: stealth mode. Seriously, that turkey theft reads like a scene in a movie or something. Condolences for your loss.

  55. 55.

    fuckwit

    November 7, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Yeah, ya slippin.

    When the phone rings, why not shove the sammich into the microwave and shut the door. Cats can’t open microwaves last I checked. Takes not even a second. Then answer the phone. The sammich would still be there when you got back.

    You are sharing a house with dedicated hunters and predators. You really can’t let your guard down for a second.

    I once saw a sheperd/chow/malamute mix eat a flan off of a coffee table during a big family gathering. Just, yum, done, bye bye flan, before anyone knew what was going on.

  56. 56.

    Ash Can

    November 7, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    not only did he show no guilt when I yelled “YOU MOTHER FUCKER” at him

    Are you kidding? It probably made him all the happier. Dinner and a show!

  57. 57.

    StringOnAStick

    November 7, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    @Poopyman: If you need to slim down some but not all of your kitties, go with a food that is wheat and corn-free, like Blue Buffalo. We tried it because of what people here had said, and it worked wonders for our cat without all that whining over “why is my dish empty?!?!” She just naturally settled into eating less and lost the excess weight.

    Mr KnightofNothing, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  58. 58.

    Betty Cracker

    November 7, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    O/T: Watching clips on O’Donnell’s show of Obama’s interview with Chuckles Todd. Obama’s response to the swapping Biden for H. Clinton as VP rumor was terrific.

  59. 59.

    schrodinger's cat

    November 7, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Boss cat once dragged steak wrapped in plastic wrap that I had bought from the grocery store, in the time I went to the car to get the remaining groceries. He had finished about a quarter of it, when I caught him red-pawed!

  60. 60.

    The Moar You Know

    November 7, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    @Knight of Nothing: She was sneaky as fuck, our baby was. And a damn good rodent-killer for an 80 pound dog. God, I am so sorry about yours. They go when they go, but there is nothing that can prepare you for when they do.

  61. 61.

    Redshirt

    November 7, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    You should get some kind of heavy food cover.

    Or electrify your food.

  62. 62.

    schrodinger's cat

    November 7, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    @Betty Cracker: What did he say?

  63. 63.

    MomSense

    November 7, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    @Knight of Nothing:

    I am so, so sorry.

  64. 64.

    Spaghetti Lee

    November 7, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    Saw something interesting at ESPN: The question was put to readers whether the Dolphins’ GM and staff should have encouraged Jonathan Martin (the bullied) to physically confront Richie Incognito (the bully) in the drama they’d been having before Martin left the team. The results are almost 50-50, but the geographical dispersal is, um, maybe not surprising: http://espn.go.com/espn/fp/flashPollResultsState?sportIndex=frontpage&pollId=4039169

    The “Let’s you and him fight” contingent is strongest in Mississippi (59-41), Alabama, and Louisiana (57-43 each). The states closest to Canada, of course, were the ones hoping for a polite resolution.

  65. 65.

    Betty Cracker

    November 7, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    @schrodinger’s cat: Basically that the rumor was bullshit, that people like to make themselves out to be important by gossiping to the press, etc. But the part I liked so much was his warm words for Biden, whom he said is his personal friend, an important adviser, one of the best VPs in history and a guy who always has his (Obama’s back).

  66. 66.

    PsiFighter37

    November 7, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    I feel like this has happened to Cole repeatedly, with all of his pets. Still fucking hilarious every time I read about an instance occurring.

  67. 67.

    Chasm

    November 7, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Calling Bullshit. Maybe in 1970 you had to “leave the room” to “deal with a call,” but in 1991 you have a wireless phone, and in 2000 fucking 13 you have a handheld computer which lets you multitask with vendors, instagram the dogs, and still guard your damn sammich. No sympathy.

  68. 68.

    Origuy

    November 7, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Cole, your frat boys wouldn’t do anything like this, would they?

    Authorities in Wilmington, Ohio are investigating a fraternity initiation that resulted in a 19-year-old man losing a testicle….
    The Smoking gun reported that an affadavit [sic] by local police stated that Lawrence and two other pledges were asked to remove their clothes while blindfolded, then had a substance resembling “Icy Hot” pain balm rubbed on their groin, buttocks, back and nipples. The three pledges were also hit with towels “that had their ends balled up into knots or items tied inside them to inflict pain.”

  69. 69.

    Pogonip

    November 7, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    I get out of my car tonight. Cat from across the street is stalking a squirrel in my yard. We both freeze so as not to alert squirrel. Cat begins to inch toward squirrel. In the background, somber music plays as a hushed narrator talks about the balance of nature between predator and prey. Squirrel belatedly notices cat, panics, runs TOWARD cat and bumps into it. Cat leaps back, startled. Squirrel runs on up tree.

    ME: you missed the fvcking squirrel! How can you MISS A FVCKING SQUIRREL that runs right into your arms?

    CAT: (sits down, washes, pretends there no squirrels within a hundred miles of here anyway)

    The grim balance of nature between predator and prey is somewhat unbalanced tonight. At least on my street.

  70. 70.

    Narcissus

    November 7, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Well obviously you didn’t want it if you just got up and left it there.

  71. 71.

    Redshirt

    November 7, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    @Chasm: Hello? West Virginia? Cole just sprung for a 15 foot cord for his kitchen based, rotary land line.

  72. 72.

    Pogonip

    November 7, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    @Origuy: This is probably to make sure the guy doesn’t join every fraternity in town. This way, he has to stop at two.

  73. 73.

    Redshirt

    November 7, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    @Origuy: THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?!

  74. 74.

    scav

    November 7, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    You leave tasty chicken unattended around Steve, you tell us the inevitable result, everyone here is on Steve’s side, this is just a chain reaction of inevitability. We need an intervention of random chaos, stat.

  75. 75.

    Narcissus

    November 7, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    @Origuy: “Hey, I got a great idea for a hazing! We rub cream on pledges balls and asses and thighs and stuff!”

    “…”

    “Uh, with icy hot I mean. Yeah, icy hot!”

    “Sweet haze bro”

  76. 76.

    Spaghetti Lee

    November 7, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    @Chasm:

    He either a) forgot to download the Protect Sammich app, or b) is such a dedicated misanthrope that the idea of a smartphone watching his every move gives him the chills, and thus all non-landline phones are verboten in the Cole household. You be the judge!

  77. 77.

    Poopyman

    November 7, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    @StringOnAStick: When Archie clocked in at 22+lbs last year I switched over to the Blue Buffalo Weight Control formula. Now he’s over 24. The vet thinks it might be good to cut out dry food altogether and go with a high protein wet food. And of course regulate the intake.

    That boy loves to eat. Purrs up a storm while chowing down.

  78. 78.

    Narcissus

    November 7, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    “Yeah I’m here to join the Frot, I mean Frat”

  79. 79.

    Comrade Mary

    November 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    @Ash Can: WIN.

  80. 80.

    Betty Cracker

    November 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    @Origuy: Ha! I just posted about this! I swear I didn’t see your comment first!

  81. 81.

    Spaghetti Lee

    November 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    @Origuy:

    The three pledges were also hit with towels “that had their ends balled up into knots or items tied inside them to inflict pain.”

    Well, to be fair, they were warned not to sneak junk food into the barracks.

  82. 82.

    Hal

    November 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    @Betty Cracker:

    O/T: Watching clips on O’Donnell’s show of Obama’s interview with Chuckles Todd. Obama’s response to the swapping Biden for H. Clinton as VP rumor was terrific.

    I watched Todd give a tongue bath to Chris Christie this morning on MSNBC. He’s just so open and engaging! It’s so refreshing to deal with someone so transparent with the press! Why if he could have, he would have talked to us for hours!

    No word if Todd asked him where all that Sandy money is, or why he wasted 21 million on his vanity election. I’m sure he’ll get to that before 2016.

  83. 83.

    MikeInSewickley

    November 7, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    Yet Again… Balloon Juice has helped salvage some laughter from a really crappy day.

    Thanks…

  84. 84.

    Chasm

    November 7, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    or c) Porn.

  85. 85.

    Pogonip

    November 7, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    @MikeInSewickley: You aren’t a cat who’s having something other than squirrel for dinner, are you?

  86. 86.

    Origuy

    November 7, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    @Betty Cracker: That’s ok. Getting stomped on makes me feel like a front-pager.

  87. 87.

    Redshirt

    November 7, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    @Origuy: LOL. Zing!

  88. 88.

    bemused senior

    November 7, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    My dear departed cat Lady was noted for leaping for things (she once took a Christmas ornament she wanted to play with off a 6 ft high branch of the tree from a standing start). One morning we were having a bagels and lox feast and I got up to bring something else to the table. Seconds later she leaped and caught the lox from my bagel in her paw and ran off and ate it. You can’t be mad.

  89. 89.

    GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)

    November 7, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    87th

  90. 90.

    GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)

    November 7, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    @GHayduke (formerly lojasmo):
    fuck

  91. 91.

    ruemara

    November 7, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    No offense, but you pussy. how are you bossed around by less than 15lbs of feline? Both of mine understood 2 things: Hooman food off limits; Pissing off the mama = shorter life span. Never, ever had a problem. Neither of the boys even get food off my plate, ever. Any treats are separated out from seasonings and served in their treat bowl. Get it together, man!

  92. 92.

    Crouchback

    November 7, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    The cat was clearly looking out for your health and was worried a fast food sandwich might be bad for you. So he bravely took the risk on himself and ate the sandwich. Simple as that.

  93. 93.

    handy

    November 7, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Gut bomb you say? Sounds like Steve was just doing you a solid, big guy.

  94. 94.

    Violet

    November 8, 2013 at 12:05 am

    Glad Steve has taken his rightful place in the household.

  95. 95.

    kc

    November 8, 2013 at 12:06 am

    My late kitty would steal bacon. Out of the pan. WHILE IT WAS COOKING.

  96. 96.

    Jane2

    November 8, 2013 at 12:31 am

    @Knight of Nothing: Condolences…what a handsome (if irascible!) dog Hercules was.

  97. 97.

    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable sock puppet

    November 8, 2013 at 1:54 am

    So, is it too late to re-christen Steve as “Bumpus”?

  98. 98.

    Anne Laurie

    November 8, 2013 at 2:21 am

    MAINE COONS ARE PIRATES.

    Several of us tried to warn you about Maine Coons, Cole, but did you listen???

    Of course not. Sucker.

    Give Steve points for piratical politeness — even after you yelled at him, he still came and graciously thanked you for the delicious booty, I mean, snack.

    And start taking advice. Both microwaves and toaster ovens have cat-proof doors, if you must leave food unattended!

  99. 99.

    Steeplejack

    November 8, 2013 at 2:26 am

    @Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable sock puppet:

    “Steve Bumpus” has a nice ring to it. And he does seem to have some of the traits of the Bumpus hounds.

  100. 100.

    Joey Maloney

    November 8, 2013 at 3:31 am

    Last Friday night I got sleepy and went to bed with a whole roast chicken sitting out on the counter. Got up in the middle of the night to pee to discover Patrick, my psycho hosebeast ginger tabby, happily munching away on one breast. He’d gotten well over half of it into his gullet in about 3 hours.

  101. 101.

    NotMax

    November 8, 2013 at 3:38 am

    @Joey Maloney

    Got up in the middle of the night to pee to discover Patrick, my psycho hosebeast ginger tabby, happily munching away on one breast.

    Now that’s an entry for the Bulwer-Lytton contest.

  102. 102.

    Sherparick

    November 8, 2013 at 7:11 am

    @Knight of Nothing: So sad at the lost of your dog. You have some wonderful memories.

  103. 103.

    Sherparick

    November 8, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Remember Cole the pecking order Tunch taught you. Cats have staff (and Steve was delighted at the service you provided in bringing home that great chicken).

  104. 104.

    Craig

    November 8, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Here: if you have a chicken sandwich…and I have a chicken sandwich…and I have a paw–see, here it is–and my paw reaches acrooooooooossss the counter and starts to eat your sandwich…I EAT YOUR SANDWICH! I EAT IT UP!

  105. 105.

    am

    November 8, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Epic.

  106. 106.

    Trinity

    November 8, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Brilliant.

  107. 107.

    fidelio

    November 8, 2013 at 9:16 am

    @Knight of Nothing:
    I’m so sorrry.

  108. 108.

    ET

    November 8, 2013 at 9:19 am

    hahaha

    Such a cat thing to do……. which is why we love them.

  109. 109.

    PaulW

    November 8, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Tunch is at the rainbow bridge laughing his ass off.

  110. 110.

    TJC at PDX

    November 8, 2013 at 10:40 am

    @Knight of Nothing: I assume your pet was killed. I am so sorry for your loss.

  111. 111.

    Scamp Dog

    November 8, 2013 at 11:04 am

    @Knight of Nothing: awful news! You wrote a wonderful tribute to him–I know why you miss him so.

  112. 112.

    Knight of Nothing

    November 8, 2013 at 11:16 am

    @Scamp Dog: Thank you, and thanks again to everyone who expressed sympathy. The community here is pretty awesome.

  113. 113.

    Knight of Nothing

    November 8, 2013 at 11:20 am

    @TJC at PDX: yes, he was killed instantly. Judging by his remains, the driver was going fast and did not brake before or after impact.

  114. 114.

    Moe Gamble

    November 8, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Next time buy two, Cole.

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