I’ve escaped my native habitat for a few days for a special event. I have not been arrested. Yet.
Shortly after we arrived, we got caught in a fierce thunderstorm, so we felt right at home.
Except for all the people. Jesus Christ, so many people. I bet I saw more human beings today than I’ve seen in the previous five years combined.
Please feel free to discuss whatever.
schrodinger's cat
I love the energy of big cities, New York has it and so does Bombay! What is the seal dog mermaid doing in your absence?
JasonF
So … my wife asked for a divorce today. We’ve been separated for a few months and I kind of knew this was coming, but it still hurts.
The shot version is that she’s bipolar and has always struggled with depression.
I got depressed some time ago, but didn’t recognize it as depression. So I didn’t seek treatment, despite her spending a long time begging me to get counseling.
Eventually, she gave up and left.
I’ve gotten my shit together and am getting treatment. Supposedly, the separation was so we could each work on ourselves then see if we could work on our marriage, but she’s decided to skip the working on our marriage and jump straight to divorce.
I’m absolutely heart-broken. I loved this woman with all my heart.
I’m mystified — I stood by her during her darkest times and she gave up on me.
I’m flabbergasted by how cowardly and passive aggressive she’s been throughout this.
I keep telling myself I’m going to come through this stronger than ever. And I kind of believe it. And I kind of believe that, given the way she’s treated me throughout this, I’m better off without her.
But man, does it hurt like a son of a bitch right now.
Thanks for listening.
Pogonip
I would like to thank everyone who offered helpful suggestions, wish John well with his medical problems, and suggest that as soon as he’s all better he put Steve on a diet. That ain’t floof. That’s fat. The fat is building up under the floof. It’s floof-covered fat. It’s sub-floofaneous fat. He’s FAT!
That is all.
Pogonip
@JasonF: I’m sorry to hear that, Jason.
JasonF
@Pogonip: Thanks. It means a lot to hear people say that.
Tommy
I recall the first time I went to NYC like it was yesterday. I’d always lived in small rural towns. You see pics and video of the city, but my gosh when you are there it is something else.
Side story. The first time in NYC I took an Amtrak train. I recall standing in Penn Station confused beyond words for my return trip. Overwhelmed by it all to be honest. A women took pity on me, could see I was confused and helped.
I’ve gone back many times now for work. But that first time was staggering.
dslak
@JasonF: I’ve been there. If you have hope for reconciling, aim for mediation over combatting attorneys. It’s cheaper and less adversarial. Fight the urge to do things to vindicate yourself. Take care of yourself and keep talking to your friends and family.
schrodinger's cat
@JasonF: I don’t know what to say. So I will just give you a virtual hug. {{{JasonF}}}
beltane
The NYPD wasn’t so fancy back when I was growing up in the 70s & 80s. NYC also wasn’t so fancy back then.
raven
@JasonF:
You got that right. I’d also caution that there will most likely come a time when she changes her mind. Stay strong.
JPL
NYC smells like no other city in the world.
@JasonF: I have to agree with schrodinger’s cat and offer hugs.
Tommy
@schrodinger’s cat:
That is about my favorite thing about NYC. I liked it was a busy place. Cabs honking at 4 AM. The street seemed to be “alive” for lack of a better word.
I liked that …..
dslak
I live in NYC. There are too many God damned people here.
piratedan
second the mediation suggestion, try and keep it amicable and if she’s insistent, then move on as gracefully as you can. You’ll feel even better about yourself trying to do the right thing and it’ll help you heal faster (imho)
Helen
Welcome to NYC Betty. Um, yup. There’s lots of us here.
jacy
You know what’s funny — pulling into the school parking lot and realizing that the license plate of the car belonging to the woman you just found out your husband of 15 years has been having a secret affair with for the past 7 months reads “SLT 220”. Proving that if there is a god, he has a sick sense of humor and works for the DMV.
So, not really funny. But I don’t think I’m processing things very well at the moment.
dslak
@JPL: Maybe, but the worst public smells I’ve ever encountered were in Delhi.
NotMax
Based on some of your previous posts, stop in at Zabar’s (Broadway & 80th) and browse their foods and goods. You’ll love it.
For a different historical visit, McSorley’s Old Ale House (15 E. 7th St.).
Violet
@JasonF: So sorry to hear that. It’s okay to be angry and hurt. That’s pretty normal. Be kind to yourself and do some things that are just for you. Remember to take care of yourself because you deserve it.
It really sucks when you’ve been there for someone you love and when you need them, they aren’t there for you. I know how that feels and it’s not fun. Remember in that time to be there for yourself. Take a deep breath and ask what you need from you and then do that if you can.
Ripley
Like spoiled meat and industrial laundry detergent. Not necessarily a bad thing, just takes adjustment.
raven
Forever Young at the All Star game!
Betty Cracker
@JasonF: Damn. I’m so sorry. It sucks when you put your heart into something that doesn’t work out. Be good to yourself.
Riley's enabler
Sending a virtual hug to Jason as well. It’s not a fun ride, there’s nothing good about it – but standing outside a year of my own divorce and I can tell you it is survivable.
There is peace to be found, and I hope like hell you find it. Take gentle care of yourself.
Violet
@jacy: That’s funny. But sorry about the reason it’s funny. Hugs.
raven
@Violet: When my ex and I split she had a serious clinical depression episode. I was trying to help and HER best friend said, “get out, she has to save herself”.
PurpleGirl
@beltane: Back then we didn’t have Bloomberg wanting to make us look and feel more European with tables and chairs at different crossroad areas.
shelley
Yup, this summer it’s ‘for the rain, it raineth everyday.’
PurpleGirl
Betty: Which airport did you fly into? Depending on which one you might have been within a half-mile of where I live. The bad weather landing pattern for LaGuardia is over my apartment complex.
schrodinger's cat
Another rebranding effort by the party of ideas. This time they are calling themselves reform conservatives.
Violet
@raven: Yep. Sometimes you’re not the one who can help. Ultimately we can all only save ourselves, just as John is finding out at this point. Support and love and help from others is good but it is up to us individually. No one can do that hard work for you. And no matter how much you love someone else, you can’t make them do what they don’t choose to do.
TaMara (BHF)
@JasonF: Oh man, I’ve been down this path, spouse with deep dark depression and all. Hang in there, do what works for you and don’t let her behavior dictate how you feel. It’s hard, but no matter how passive-aggressive she gets, try and just shake your head, think it’s her issue, not yours and take care of yourself. No matter how vindictive she gets, try and take the high road whenever possible and you’ll get through it better and faster.
There is only so much I can say here and none of it will really help, but I traveled this road. I felt broken for quite some time, but friends and family helped me through it. And I could always look back and say I ended my marriage with the same love I went into it with, so I managed to get out with my soul intact.
ETA: I third the mediation suggestion. That’s what we did, he still dragged me to court, but the judge just looked at him funny, so it was uncomfortable to be in court, but once again, by taking the high road, I came out ok.
mkd
hot times…is the obligatory comment. You and Tbogg are inserting musical ear wigs as a thing?
Helen
@beltane: You ain’t kidding. I moved here in 1981. The subways were filthy and had no A/C. We were told to put our jewelry in our pockets; put it on at work – don’t wear it on the subway. Try to sit in the middle car where the train conductor was and whatever you do, DO NOT sit in the last car. That’s where all the mayhem took place.
You could not walk in Penn Station after 10 at night because it was overrun by homeless people bunking down for the night. Not that you wanted to be out after 10 anyway. That year there were close to 3,500 murders (in comparison we average less than 400 a year now).
And you know what? I loved every second of it. I was 19 years old, had escaped a not so hot home life, and was free as a bird. What an awesome adventure. But I’ll tell you this: My 52 year old self could never, ever live in that crazy city my 19 year old self loved so much. No way.
Violet
@TaMara (BHF):
This is exactly right. She is going to do what she’s going to do but she can’t choose how you feel and think about what she does. Only you get to choose what you are going to do. It’s all any of us can control–ourselves. Choose to act with love and respect for yourself and her and you’ll come out the other side much stronger.
Gin & Tonic
@NotMax: Shee-it, I remember McSorley’s back in a time when Betty could not have visited. Things have changed.
Redshift
Sounds like we just missed each other, Betty. We got on the train to come home from NYC shortly before the thunderstorms. Hedwig with Neil Patrick Harris was loads of fun, and Cabaret with Alan Cumming was incomparable.
Patrick Cadge-Moore
@JasonF: Good luck to you.
I am in the first few weeks of our “trial” separation. My wife has given me “Codependent No More” and urged me to read the chapter on Detachment. After thirteen years of her constantly asking me to reassure her that I would never leave her, I am trying my best, but hope is not something I am feeling now.
Josie
@Violet: That is so true. You can only work on fixing yourself and being kind to others. Then you have to hope that others will do the same. I’m sorry, Jason, that you are having this trouble. I hope things get better for you.
Violet
@Helen: I was in NYC for a very short time a few years later than that. I remember coming up into some subway station that was a mess and the person selling tokens was yelling at everyone to get out, that they’d just been robbed at gunpoint. We got back on the next train and got out of there.
TaMara (BHF)
@Violet: As odd as it sounds, my husband and I had two completely different divorces. But then again, I think we had two different marriages, as well. How you look at life really does dictate the type of experience you have.
jacy
@Violet:
Thanks. I’m devastated and in shock. She’s the PTO president at our youngest child’s school, plus assistant den leader of his Cub Scout pack. They don’t want anyone to know. They were hoping to force me out of the house and then have their “relationship” start when she was comforting him from the devastation of me leaving him. I think they mis-planned somewhere. Probably didn’t help that he had his phone unlocked and just lying around where anyone could read his text messages.
Mike in NC
@JasonF: So sorry to hear about this situation. We have a bipolar friend who created a lot of problems until he got his meds sorted out (lithium poisoning).
Richard Fox
Welcome to my town Ms. Cracker.. The thunder will pass, and you’ll see the beautiful clear blue I love to paint.
some guy
I was only living there for 3 years, but summertime in Manhattan is one of the great experiences of life everyone should have.
Violet
@jacy: If they “mis-planned” and he left his phone unlocked and lying around then it’s likely he, at least, wanted you to know. That’s what those marriage professionals say about those kinds of things. Maybe he’s not as happy with her as he thinks he is.
So sorry you’re dealing with this. The same things people have been saying to JasonF applies in your situation. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Choose how you’re going to think and feel and don’t give him or her that power. You get to decide how you think and feel and what you are going to do. Although right now you’re probably completely in shock and have no idea what you think, feel or want to do.
Hang in there.
Elizabelle
@Redshift:
So glad you and Mrs. Redshift took in some culture. Sounds like a fun trip.
Violet
@TaMara (BHF): That doesn’t surprise me. I bet it’s more common than people think.
Mnemosyne
@JasonF:
Ugh. So far, I’ve only had to watch divorce at second hand, but everyone seems to be giving good advice. One self-care thing you might want to do is all of those things you haven’t done because you know your wife didn’t like or enjoy them. Movies she didn’t like, hobbies you didn’t share, bike rides, hikes, whatever. It’s probably helpful to find a few ways to enjoy your time alone away from the day-to-day annoyances of living with someone else.
@jacy:
Wow. That’s really, really awful. I know that some other people have had to deal with a cheating partner lately, so I hope they have good advice. The one thing I would say is, don’t damage anyone’s person or anyone’s property just now (no matter how tempting it is), or you’ll look like the crazy one.
some guy
JasonF and jacy
sorry for your pain.
FlyingToaster
@Betty Cracker
I usually say here, “Wimp!” Heh.
I lived in the anthill for 15 years. I’d live there still if I could have afforded a single family house. Or if one of sufficient size ever came on the market again.
Culture of Truth
More thunderstorms tonight and tomorrow, I believe.
Elizabelle
@JasonF:
I am sorry to hear. You tell us anything you need to.
StringOnAStick
@JasonF: Jason, your intuition that you’ll come out of this stronger is a ray of light and hope – keep your eyes on that prize. I’ve watched 3 partnerships fail where bipolar disorder was involved, and it may sound harsh but she’s giving you a Get Out of A Lifetime Of Hell Free card, perhaps you are starting to recognize that. You’re just now starting to see the problems with the relationship, be prepared for a lot more recognition of this as you start disentangling from what sounds like a relationship with plenty of unhealthy aspects.
Mediation is good. Get through the legal stuff so you can get on with your life. Don’t allow her passive-aggressive skills to manipulate you; you are in charge of how you respond and feel, no one “makes you” feel anything- you decide how to respond and what is best for you. Life will get better, I promise!
askew
@jacy:
Man, that takes some kind of nerve. What a couple of jackasses. It may not seem like it now, but you are going to be better off without him.
JasonF – sorry to hear about your marriage as well. I am sure eventually you’ll be better off without her as well.
Botsplainer
The MOE at 29% would cover the magic number.
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/37-percent-of-mississippi-gopers-would-back-confederates-in-civil-war
jacy
I’m maintaining and have already gone through the sobbing and panic attacks. My only concern right now is staying strong for the kids when they find out and not doing anything that makes me look like the bad guy. (Although I did just realize I burned the roast and forgot to cook the potatoes)
some guy
my second summer in that crazy town I was employed at UPS on the West Side Hwy. would bike from 1st and 1st all the way to Midtown and back for an 11pm to 3am shift, loading boxes into the back of trailers. my roomie was a cab driver on the late shift, so for both of us “night” began at 4am.
Broadway is a nice road to bike down at 3 am.
TaMara (BHF)
@jacy: OMG. I’m speechless. And angry for you. And for your kids. I’m so sorry.
Cassidy
Strong liquor and recreational sex does a lot to soothe a wounded heart.
Corner Stone
Well, hmmm. I’ve been reliably informed by a roid rage addled asshole in Florida that divorce is somehow a scarlet letter to be held against you, forever.
dexwood
Enjoy, Betty. Big cities are great in small doses to some of us. Still, you will appreciate finding, and making, some fun.
Corner Stone
@jacy: 220, 221. Whatever it takes.
jacy
@TaMara (BHF):
Thank you so much. Just saying it out loud has made me feel so much lighter.
lamh36
Attention teachers and interested parties. Just a reminder tonight on PBS FRONTLINE examines the comeback of school segregation in America.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/separate-and-unequal/
Cassidy
Only if you’re an irredeemable pile if shit who will only do one positive thing in their life when they finally die.
raven
Jeter hit’s and scores.
TaMara (BHF)
On big cities. Boston is my all time favorite and I get there as often and I can. NYC, I enjoyed my times there, but not like some people seem to be excited by it. And I’m a theatre geek. I also love LA, which may make me just an odd little duck. I avoid Denver whenever possible, which means I may now have to go into witness protection.
WaterGirl
Hey John Cole, if you’re reading this, I hope you have a peaceful night at home with everybody before you set out on your journey. Sending love and hugs your way, and a kiss for sweet Lily.
Botsplainer
@jacy:
When did you find out?
Corner Stone
After many years of working in downtown Houston, it was completely crazy to experience so many people, all over the place. Just at all times, everywhere.
I heard more firetruck sirens at 4AM while staying in Manhattan for a week or so than I did in 6 months living off Heights blvd in Houston.
Violet
@jacy: Stay strong for you and the kids will follow. A little burnt roast never hurt anyone. And there’s always takeout.
Corner Stone
@TaMara (BHF):
Haven’t been to Boston, that I recall. But my favorite big city is Chicago. Followed by San Francisco and then NYC in close order.
I wouldn’t call Denver a big city.
jacy
@Botsplainer:
Thursday night after our kids’ play practice. He denied it most elaborately and told me I was crazy until I started reciting the last conversation the two of them had.
@Violet:
There’s always pizza!
raven
@Corner Stone: @Corner Stone: Atlanta is too big for me.
Violet
@TaMara (BHF): Paris is mine. Just love it.
TaMara (BHF)
@jacy: I just bookmarked your website. I may need your services in the near future. Sending you hugs.
Botsplainer
@Corner Stone:
Colossally long blocks, unwelcome architecture.
Give me NYC or Boston any day.
bk
And – unless I missed it – no one caught the title reference to one of the classic 1966 songs. Loved the Spoonful
Corner Stone
@raven: I’m not even going to talk about Mexico City (commonly referred to as Mexico by most locals).
TaMara (BHF)
@Corner Stone: I just tossed that out because it is the big city in Colorado and I have to go there for art events and other things. It’s pretty and offers a lot, but I just never enjoy the city itself.
@Violet: That is my goal for next year. A long weekend in Paris. Art museums, food, atmosphere. Sigh.
Violet
@jacy: Wow, that must have been dramatic! Liars always lie with such elaboration and detail–it’s usually a tell. What a jerk.
schrodinger's cat
In the now defunct IndiaInk blog run by NYT, there was a series of blog posts with parallel photo essays of Bombay and NewYork called Mumbai New York photo project. I loved that series.
Corner Stone
@Botsplainer: I love Chicago. You can walk anywhere in a few minutes, lots of people, great places to eat or hang out, the lake and the river.
NYC to me was crazy. All the people walking in one big mob all the time. They never looked where they were going, didn’t give a shit about where you were going, crowded into the middle of the street waiting for a car to pass, dirty trash and trash bags all over the sidewalks.
Violet
@TaMara (BHF): It is a glorious thing to do. Got a deal on tickets quite a few years ago now and enjoyed a long weekend there. It was very spring–late April or early May–so still pretty chilly in Paris and not yet tourist season. Got right in to everything and the weather was nice except for one day. Loved it.
some guy
@TaMara (BHF):
my hometown, so go at least twice a year. was there with the kids for the 4th week, and 2 weeks prior I was up for a wake and a funeral.
Summer is so sweet in Boston, and the city is alive again once that large percentage of the college kids take off for the summer. Have you been to the Harbor Islands? ferry service is downright dependable, and cheap.
schrodinger's cat
@TaMara (BHF): I have been to Denver once, and I have to agree with you. Denver’s problem is the sprawl, Atlanta has the same problem too. What I like about New York and Boston and even Bombay (at least South Bombay) they are eminently walkable and have excellent public transport.
MattR
You don’t know people until you are in the Rockefeller Center area around Christmas time or Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
JasonF
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I cannot express how much they help.
I’ve already been using the separation to work on myself. I’m in better physical, mental, and emotional health than I have been for a long time. Today was a setback for sure, but I’m just going to do what I can to continue that trajectory. And I keep reminding myself that her actions are a reflection on her, not me. That, while I’m not blameless for what has happened (certainly, I wish I had acknowledged my depression and gotten help for it long ago), at the end of the day, she bears responsibility for her decisions, and she is the one who made the decision to end the marriage. And that I will come through this better in every way.
But man, is it hard to see the end of an 18-year marriage, a 21-year relationship.
Botsplainer
@jacy:
Freshly processing then (I’m 25 years into divorce practice).
There’s things a good family lawyer will tell you if you call to explore your rights., depending on whether you want to try to salvage or whether to bail. There are two completely different counseling routines (one for staying, one for splitting), and the goals are mutually exclusive.
Only you know what decision you can live with.
Make the investment on solid help, make no instant decisions – this is still raw.
scav
Here’s to everyone managing to keep a low center of gravity in their personal choppy seas. All the best.
At least this individual in the big city deserved the day he’s had and is to have.Someone alert the Supremes it’s not happening again. Prosecutors: Man slapped, spit on judge, called her ‘Rosa Parks’
Location, location, location.
TaMara (BHF)
@some guy: Isn’t that funny, my best friend and I were talking about my next visit to see her and her family just today and she said we needed to do the islands this time. I’ve walked that city until my feet bled, been to the 4th of July celebrations, ran the marathon…seriously, I lived there for 5 years and always found something new to do.
Oh and Fenway and the old Gardens. Larry Bird, Yaz. Boston was a love affair that never really ended.
Corner Stone
@MattR:
One of the times I went was in late December, before Christmas. Stayed at the Grand Hyatt near Grand Central.
Just beautiful, snowed some every day. We bought handcrafted ornaments from an art fair nearby, took a horse carriage ride around central park, walked down to see the construction at WTC.
Fantastic time to be there.
MattR
@schrodinger’s cat:
Other than the constant terror of being hit by a bike, that is how I felt about Amsterdam. It just would have been nice if it wasn’t in the 40’s and rainy the entire time (OTOH it was better than being stuck in my apt without power post-Sandy)
@JasonF: I don’t know if you can handle the humor at a time like this, but Louis CK’s take on life after your marriage ends had my relatively recently divorced friend in stiches.
TaMara (BHF)
@Botsplainer: Rely on Balloon-Juice to have someone nearby who can offer just the right advice. :-)
raven
@TaMara (BHF): Boston Common, 8/17/71 the Allman Brothers Band. Free
show.
” Sadly, a little over two months after the magic of this show, the Allman Brothers Band lost their founder and leader when Duane Allman was killed in a motorcycle crash in Macon on October 29th.”
Corner Stone
Whichever way you decide, no matter which way you’re thinking now, absolutely and without doubt consult a professional to best protect your rights moving forward.
You don’t have to hire a pit bull to get even, just make sure you and the kids’ best interests have all the options available for security moving forward.
La Caterina (Mrs. Johannes)
@NotMax: I second the Zabar’s suggestion! Best bagels in NYC since the demise of H&H.
MattR
@Corner Stone: NYC can be beautiful at that time of year (as long as it is not too cold or windy), but being anywhere near the tree at Rockefeller Center around X-Mas is a nightmare, especially when you are on your lunch break and trying to run out quickly to buy a gift. (I may very well have been one of those grumpy New Yorkers you ran into when that 15 minute round trip walk turned into 40 because of all the extra tourist traffic)
Corner Stone
@La Caterina (Mrs. Johannes):
Was that where Kramer worked?
Botsplainer
@Corner Stone:
I suspect “big city preference” may have regional attributes related to the geographical culture in which a person was raised.
There’s always been a lot more identification with NYC in my locality – commercial finance tends to be NYC based, predominant fashion is NYC based, when people leave for bigger places they tend to head East, etc. Meanwhile, we’re a lot closer to Chicago.
I know I had culture shocks living in the West – people just seemed different. Not mean or bad, just different in reactions and the way they interacted. I probably seemed odd to them, too.
Human nature, I guess.
MattR
Johhny T probably has the best summary of everything you need to know before viisitng NYC
WaterGirl
@TaMara (BHF): @jacy: I never think it click anyone’s nym! I bookmarked it, too, for when my sister finishes her next book.
WaterGirl
@JasonF: I am so sorry, it’s so hard to go through that. But it sounds like you have a good attitude.
I am a big fan of taking the high road. Remember, though, you still have to go through the angry “fuck you” stage at some point in order to be able to really move on, so don’t beat yourself up when you get there.
Sending good thoughts your way.
jacy
@Botsplainer:
Thanks so much. I’ve already had a consultation to make sure I understood everything, but I’m not sure I’ll stick with that attorney. Now that I know where I stand legally, I’m going to take the time to find someone I feel really comfortable with. :) I don’t know what I want right now, just that I want the kids to be safe and as undamaged as possible, and then I’ll just be patient and realize it’s going to be a lot of really down spots that will catch me not looking.
some guy
@TaMara (BHF):
http://bostonwatertransportation.com/service.html
George’s Island is glorious. There is a ghost, the Lady In Black. Peddock’s Island (from our house we call it Peddock’s 1, 2, and 3) will take the better part of a day. there is alos a water taxi that goes to each and every island (almost) in the Inner Harbor. George’s, Spectacle, Peddock’s, Grape, Bumpkin, and then to Hingham, where it turns around and repeats all those stops in reverse order
WaterGirl
@MattR: @jacy: Matt’s comment reminded me of a movie that might be just the right thing for you.
Have you ever seen Something to Talk About? I saw the movie shortly after my -ex cheated on me and left, and I found it really gratifying.
Corner Stone
@jacy:
I interviewed maybe 6 firms before hiring the family law practice I went with. Decide what’s most important and ask them how they handle “that”.
Mine was, “How do you feel about a father having primary custody?”
Yours may be something else.
ETA, it was a firm with all female lawyers and paralegals, btw. Not that that’s important. Just sayin’.
Pogonip
@JPL: What’s it smell like?
My aunt’s threatening–Er, promising–to show us around NYC next fall. She loves it. My father visited in 1950 or thereabouts, said that now he knew what life in an anthill was like, and has never gone back. I figure it’s much like Chicago only with funny accents.
NotMax
Believe it is still legally obligatory to have a
dirty waterSabrett’s hot dog from a street cart if in Manhattan.:)
Pogonip
@jacy: Burn his clothes and change the locks.
JasonF
@MattR: That Louis CK clip was hilarious. Thanks for sharing it. Thankfully, my wife and I never wanted kids, so at least that’s not a consideration.
some guy
The Lady In Black. a Georgia matron whose husband was imprisoned by the Union forces and sent to George’s Island to spend the rest of the War in Fort Warren. Mrs. Andrew Lanier made her way from Georgia to Hull, Massachusetts and the home of a Confederate sympathizer. Mrs. Lanier systematically observed the fort with a spy-glass, and on a stormy night in January 1862, had rowed across to George’s Island and went ashore. She cut her hair short and dressed as a man, and brought with her an old pistol and small pick-axe.
She made her way to the dungeon cells, and from outside the fort signaled to her husband by whistling an obscure southern tune, to which he signaled back. Mrs. Lanier was able to squeeze through the slit-window of his cell, and was then hidden by the Confederate soldiers.
With the use of the pick-axe, the soldiers contrived to tunnel to the center of the fort, and then overtake the guards and obtain weapons. The tunnel took several weeks to dig, and on the eve of finishing the tunnel, a sharp blow of the pick had alerted a guard. The alarm was sounded, and the tunnel quickly discovered. As each of the Confederate soldiers was removed from the tunnel, a tally was taken. When all the prisoners were accounted for, Mrs. Lanier sprung from the tunnel and captured a Union officer with the old pistol. Mrs. Lanier succeeded in surprising the officer, but he slapped the pistol from her hand. The pistol went off and the bullet struck and killed her husband. As punishment for her deeds, Mrs. Lanier was condemned to death by hanging. Her final request was to be given female clothing, and a search of the fort produced nothing but some old black robes. She was executed in these robes and buried on George’s Island.
If you visit, be sure to ask where the Lady In Black was actually hung.
gman
When we first moved to NYC, we used to get a headache at the end of every day. We called it the Manhattan Migraine.
If you want to get away from it all, take the ferry to Governors Island and kick back in a hammock.
PsiFighter37
Love NYC. Yes, the amount of people can be irritating at times, but I love the mass of humanity that exists in the Big Apple. I once contemplated what moving out of NYC would be like and I just can’t. May have a bit of the California bug in me, but I’ve become an East Coast guy through and through.
Also love Philly, especially the underdog, chip-on-the-shoulder spirit.
MomSense
@JasonF:
(((JasonF)))
It does hurt like hell but you can get through this and emerge whole and happy. I’m glad you shared that you are going through this and I do hope you will continue to reach out for support. Sending my best to you.
I love NYC!! I studied dance in New York and spent about 5 years in the city–having soooo much fun.
SiubhanDuinne
@JasonF:
Worst feeling in the world. I am so sorry. As we all told John last night, in our various ways, this is a community and we’re here for him.
We’re here for you, too. Light and virtual hugs to you during this rough time in your life.
KS in MA
@La Caterina (Mrs. Johannes):
The … The demise of … H&H …? OMG!
(Shows you how long it’s been since I was there last)
Well, dang! Best bagels in the known world.
Betty Cracker
@schrodinger’s cat: @schrodinger’s cat: The mister is watching the critters. I sure do miss the dogs. The mister also.
@PurpleGirl: That’s the one. Looked like there had already been a ton of rain before we got here. The streets were all flooded.
Just walked through Times Square in the rain on the way back to my hotel, and I could have sworn I was on the set of “Blade Runner.”
I’ve been to NYC before, but it has been a long time. I don’t think I could live here, but it’s a wonderful place to visit. I can understand why people love it and can’t imagine living elsewhere.
Corner Stone
@MattR: Not really “grumpy” I guess. Just that when I’m walking somewhere I look over my shoulder when I’m going to move position/stop/etc. Nobody in NYC does that. They could not give a shit less if you were walking there first, or if their stepping left will cause you to have to get out of their way or elbow them back.
Just rude.
SiubhanDuinne
@shelley:
Well, after all, it is St. Swithin’s Day.
Corner Stone
@Betty Cracker: “If you get lost between the moon and New York City…doo bee doo…”
Virginia
@NotMax: bah, Old Town @ 18th & Park just as historic but more enjoyable imo
replicnt6
@Betty Cracker:
Ha! Pretty much every time I walk through Times Square, I mutter to myself (or whoever is with me, much to their chagrin) “A new life awaits you on the off-world colonies.”
MomSense
@jacy:
She is just really lucky you didn’t go Towanda (Fried Green Tomatoes) on her slutty car! Sending hugs and support to you, Jacy. (((jacy)))
SiubhanDuinne
@jacy:
Oh, jacy, I am so sorry. Been there (well, not with the license plate) and it was one of the worst hurts of my life. And … eventually, and with a lot of self-work, and a decent support system, I got through it. You will, too. In the meantime, I’m feeling your hurt and sending you light and hugs.
jacy
Thanks, all. At a time like this, it really means more than you can imagine. :)
TaMara (BHF)
@some guy: Ooooo. Can’t wait.
TerryC
@JasonF: I am so sorry. I’ve been there, and it’s the loneliest place in the world.
Gin & Tonic
@KS in MA:Best bagels in the known world.
St. Viateur will beg to differ.
schrodinger's cat
@Betty Cracker: I am sure they miss you too. I hope you have a great time.
Anne Laurie
@Betty Cracker:
Born in Manhattan, grew up in the Bronx, got to visit the Boston area for the first time when I was five and decided I’d rather live there. Took me thirty years (and a fifteen-year detour in Michigan), but I still feel lucky that I could find my Right Place in this big world.
And I suspect growing up in NYC is how I knew there was a right place for me, somewhere, even if Ankh-Morpork wasn’t it!
CTVoter
@schrodinger’s cat: Sam Tannenhous has been pushing conservativism for at least a decade now. Irving Kristol biographer….
Betty Cracker
@Anne Laurie: I can understand why people love Boston too. When I got out of college, I wanted to get the hell out of Florida for awhile and live in either Boston or NYC. I decided NYC was too expensive / crazy / crowded for me and went to Boston instead, where I stayed for a few years.
I loved it, but I couldn’t stand the winters, and I missed my family, so I came back home. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything, though.
My kiddo is with me, and this is her first trip to NYC. She is agog over it and says she wants to live here someday.
ruemara
@JasonF: Sorry, it sucks. But, sometimes, if you’re dealing with multiple things, you come to the conclusion that you, personally, don’t have anything more to put into a relationship. Take things slow and easy on yourself.
Betty, send me some lox.
ruemara
@MattR: As a native, I’ve never done that. Too many fucking people. I’d only do it now as a tourist, and that’s if I knew someone on the broadcast and could get a ringside seat. My luck, I’d wind up having to cart stingers and set the lights.
Randy P
@Betty Cracker: You’re probably doing pretty touristy things, but if you get a chance, take a walk around Greenwich Village and Washington Square Park. Totally different view of NYC from the mobs of tourists in Times Square. Sit in a cafe for awhile and people-watch. I guarantee your kiddo will get an eyeful.
In the square there’s always all kinds of street entertainment, including a group of African-American tumblers who I swear have been doing the same act for at least 10 years. We get to NYC a handful of times a year (not as much as I’d like) and those guys are ALWAYS there by the fountain.
Street entertainment is one of my favorite things about Manhattan.
@ruemara: I got it into my head last Christmas that I wanted to see the big tree. Gave up about 3 blocks away. But I have actually done the ice skating. My wife and I did it once or twice as a young pre-married couple, and we once spent a pleasant afternoon with my brother and his family sipping hot chocolate in an underground cafe looking out at the ice, while various members of the family took turns skating.
Mike E
@PsiFighter37: Grew up just outside Philly (and then went to school there, lived and worked downtown) but every summer when I was a kid I went to visit my Grandma near 79th and York in NYC. Love both cities…so funny how anybody would have a chip on their shoulder about anywhere else…but I feared for my life in Fightin’ Philly. Often. The only place I ever got my ass kicked was in Manhattan, tho!
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@jacy – I’m so sorry; that’s awful. Though the car tag is funny, and it’s no doubt a healthy sign that you could laugh.
@JasonF – I’m sorry that it’s painful for you. I have no doubt you’ll be stronger for it, and remember you are in charge of you and anything else is her stuff. Mediation sounds like very good advice as opposed to adversarial divorce proceedings.
@StringOnAStick: I’m just guessing that perhaps one of those partnerships was yours. I’ll have to ask M. Q if he needs a Get Out of A Lifetime Of Hell Free card. Folks with bipolar disorder who are properly diagnosed and appropriately treated medically can and do have successful professional careers and relationships.
Passive aggressive manipulation is more of a hallmark of the personality disorders than of bipolar disorder. Which is not to say that beepers can’t be passive aggressive and manipulative, but if the illness is well managed with appropriate medication and psychosocial therapy, we’re at no higher risk for engaging in passive aggressive manipulation than the general population. Indeed that behavior is much more common in personality disorders, which may be misdiagnosed as bipolar due to the sudden and severe mood swings. In bipolar, the swings are more gradual and longer lasting.
Yes, I’ve got a horse in the race, and my response reflects that. But I can tell you that it’s a not uncommon misdiagnosis of a personality disorder, and I say that having recently discussed it with a bipolar disorder researcher when we were talking about stigma..
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@jacy: Botsplainer gave you very good advice (I preferred criminal practice for the better manners). Whatever way you go, it’s crucial that you have counsel you get along with. The best qualified attorney who sets your teeth on edge is not the best attorney for you.
Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
@JasonF: Without the bi-polarism and depression issues, this is rather similar to the break-up of my marriage. I realized after she told me that she wanted to separate that I was far more invested in the idea of “us” than she was. Once that happened, I realized that even if I still loved her (which I did for quite a while), I could never be with her again. She bailed when something became tough. If she did it once, I couldn’t ever count on her not to do that again. As a result, i knew that it was over.
In our situation, I handled all of the paperwork for the divorce. It wasn’t acrimonious, we had no kids and we just agreed to take what we originally had ( I had a car, she didn’t; I kept the car), and we divided the rest evenly. This was an unusual situation. Listen to what both Botsplainer and Corner Stone have said as far as protecting your legal rights.
Oh yeah, you have my sympathy; it sucks.
Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Criminal work with what the British call “proper villains” is some of the best work one can do. The client comes in and says, ” They got me with 40 keys of weed. Yeah, they had a good warrant. What can we do here?” It is nice in a way to work with professionals.
StringOnAStick
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Nope, not me. I did however have a friend be attacked first with a kitchen knife and then a broken wine bottle by his wife, and then 5 months after she moved out, their house burned down. On Christmas day, no less, but thankfully no one was home since he’d taken the kids to see grandparents back east. The police report says arson, but not enough evidence to charge anyone. It was in a somewhat remote location and a windy day, so not a stick of lumber survived. The now ex-wife refuses any mental health care and has lost any claim to custody because of it; the kids were there when she tried to gut her ex, so they aren’t real interested in hanging with mom to this day.
The other two couples’ stories aren’t quite as dramatic, though they include some real unhappiness. In one couple, he took out loans and gave away the money on the street in a manic phase, destroying their finances and eventually they ended up losing their home. He was medicated then, but not well managed and hated to take his meds when he felt a manic phase coming on because he loved the way he felt then. In the other case the couple had agreed they’d never have kids because of a strong history of mental illness on both sides; she decided she wanted a child and hid her pregnancy until it was far too late, timing it to coincide with a long stretch of his out of country work. Bit of a violation there; her husband felt completely violated. The pregnancy had severe complications related to the age of the mom and her not seeing a doc for prenatal care since she was hiding it, and resulted in a permanently disabled child who will need daily care for his entire life.
I am sure there are people like yourself who are just fine with proper medication, but what Jason was describing doesn’t sound like that sort of situation at all.
NotMax
@Betty Cracker
Drag the kid, if that’s what it takes, to the Hayden Planetarium and the dinosaur hall at the American Museum of Natural History.
Trust me on this.
Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
@StringOnAStick: I think that is is possible that you misinterpreted a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)’s comment. I don’t believe that she was describing her personal situation, but rather a generic possibility that she conceived from her work as an advocate on mental illness issues.
Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
@NotMax: Hey, the planetarium that matters is the Adler.
NotMax
@Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
All well and good if one is in Chi-town. From NYC, it’s a bit of a hike. :)
Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
@NotMax: Not really my problem now, is it?
NotMax
@Omnes Omnibus (the first of his name)
Didn’t Ayn Rand have that embroidered into a sampler to hang on her wall?
goblue72
@PurpleGirl: You had Koch and lots of crossfire. I keed I keed. I remember NYC back then – as well as during the Giuliani years when NYC “came back” (not that it actually went anywhere)
Fantastic city – to paraphrase Koch when asked if NYC was a failure – “NYC isn’t a problem. New York is a stroke of genius.”
Gretchen
@jacy: That’s rough. I’m glad the DMV is on your side. How did they think they’d force you out of the house? I’m guessing she’s not going to be popular among the other PTO moms when this comes out.
Jason, hugs to you too.
Both of you, keep us posted.
mm
Behind the NYPD sign is the facade of the famous Paramount Theatre in Times Square. Frank Sinatra drove the bobby soxers crazy when he performed there in the 40s.
Denali
@Jason,
I am sorry that this has happened to you. I do hope that there are no children involved. When my daughter filed for divorce, her husband hired a pit bull who went after her for her “mental” issues over custody of their son. It was a very complicated situation which made her life hell for over a year. So I know how hurt you are, but please for the sake of everyone, try to take the high road.
J R in WV
@JasonF:
Remember, this isn’t your fault – you can’t control the decisions other people make around you. Work on your daily life, keep up with your medical and theraputic folks, eat well and try to stay busy at things you are interested in.
Take care, in other words!
Good luck, and keep in touch.