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If I had to invent a sentence fragment sure to drive readers of this blog to distraction, I could do worse than James Inhofe via Andrew Sullivan.

Russia deploys aircraft and submarines armed with cruise missiles around the world that already threaten our allies. But air and submarine bases can be targeted and destroyed by the U.S. military in the event of a confrontation. A mobile GLCM [ground-launched cruise missile], on the other hand, is much harder to find. General Philip M. Breedlove, the senior NATO commander, has said that this new weapon is “absolutely a tool that will have to be dealt with.”

No, we cannot just ‘hit’ Russian submarine bases. It would be stupid for nuclear submarines to hang out at their bases, which is why they do not do that. They loiter off the Atlantic and Pacific seaboards, and in the Great Lakes and in large ponds in Minnesota for all I know, waiting for a radio (?) command to kill everyone. If we launch a nuke at Russian ‘bases’ then we are launching nukes at Russia. Russia will of course launch all of theirs, including from the many subs not at their bases, because nuclear war is a use ’em before the other guy wrecks your launchers proposition. We will naturally launch all of ours before theirs hit us and then everyone will be dead. It really does not matter who does what first or in what order. Honestly and jesus fking christ tap dancing on a soup cracker, if you have in mind blowing up every Russian nuclear site except for some cruise missiles on a truck then the rest of your plan is a problem for the cockroaches.

So who the fuck cares if Russia updates its nuclear arsenal. Really. A decades-old early warning circuit board aging badly worries me a lot more than whether Russia can kill everyone on Earth ten times over or eleven. It would thrill me in fact if Russia maybe spent some money to maintain its early detection systems and its command & control apparatus. But more nukes? Give me a break. Anyone who thinks two countries at war could have a ‘polite’ nuclear exchange where they just toss a few little warheads around should have his head examined.

And what exactly does James Inhofe think we should ‘do’ about Russian missile trucks? Slash their tires? Sugar in the gas tank? Maybe we can land Seal Team Six in Siberia with a sack of potatoes for the tailpipe. Any overt attack with bombs, lasers, rail guns or spider drones counts as an attack on the nuclear arsenal and most of the two nuclear superpowers consider that a good pretext for launching the kit and caboodle.

Whether or not Russian elves have built some new nuclear device to soak up their country’s shrinking military budget, Putin is making noise for attention. Yes, Vladimir Putin has basically become this decade’s Kim Jong Il. Like the Russki’s old client – slash – feral pet nourished by scraps left out the back door Putin’s Russia is basically untouchable for geographic and military reasons but impotent on the world stage, in desperate decline and trying frantically to shore up its remaining sphere of influence against more losses. Except that he has about a million nukes of course, which is either meaningless or else we’re all dead.

Of course noise is enough for James Inhofe or my neighbor’s addled dog to bark himself hoarse. At this point a little self-reflection from the Kansas [update – Oklahoma. brain fart] representation in the Senate would shock me dead. I hope to expect more skepticism from the official leading light of this here blogging industry.

***Update***

Some helpful updates from the comments. Cermet:

In fact, the Russians do keep most of their nuclear ballistic fleet in port. The reason is any and every single Russian “Boomer” has one or more American Attack Subs shadowing it 24/7 in the open ocean. Also, our sound detection system covers 100% of the ocean and allows us to track everything on and under it. The Russians know this and don’t risk any significant number of Boomers in the open ocean.

At rare times they will send out a Boomer to train the crews but never as an attack force array to threaten the US. Besides, what really would they do? The Russians tend to be far more realistic about nuclear war than us and generally, don’t play that game at the level of risk we like to do.

Via Srv, the sticking point seems to be that Russia basically put its submarine cruise missiles on a truck. That violates a major nonprolif treaty, so noise has to be made. More than noise, though, I see very little to be done. Maybe the list of current and proposed sanctions has room for some more.

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