This afternoon, an unauthorized person entered my fenced backyard and tried to open my locked back door while I was sitting three feet away from it. That’s when my lead watch dog sprang into action:
I woke her and the auxiliary dog up while calling 911. Ever stalwart, the dogs blinked confusedly, farted and went back to snoring and drooling on the sofa.
But when the deputy showed up, they barked their goddamned heads off. Fucking useless-ass dogs. At least they didn’t knock over the trash can.
Open thread.
ETA: I was never in any actual danger. I armed myself with a skillet, and I am skilled in its use. I can flip FOUR eggs over easy at once without breaking a yolk, and if some motherfucker ever kicks in my door, I’m sure I could use it to brain him. It’s all in the wrist, I suspect.
OzarkHillbilly
Happy you are OK, Betty.
Just One More Canuck
Glad you’re ok.
trollhattan
Laughed and went “eek” at the same time. It sounded weird.
Yeah, my current doggie is about like that, nothing like her predecessor, who chased a burglar in the house OUT a window before I even knew he was there.
Another example, she slept though the cops knocking on our door last night, responding to a call at the wrong address. Nobody was shot, so no harm.
Hope your miscreant(s) keeps away for good. I hate that stuff.
Violet
Yikes! Glad you’re okay. Could you see the person through a window or door peephole or anything? How scary!
Buddy H
Sounds like an inside job. Question the dog.
Seriously though, what the hell was it? Have there been break-ins in your neighborhood? Did the police catch anyone.
I remember many years ago, my parents’s house was robbed. Neighbor saw two men leaving the house with big bags full of stuff. They were caught, thanks to the neighbor.
But it’s a horrible feeling.
Lee Rudolph
Hey, they both farted. That should have been more than enough to drive off your intruder!
Elizabelle
Wish you’d had a camera to record the perp.
That would be damn scary. Glad you were at home.
Perp coulda stolen your dogs!
Buddy H
If we ever have a break-in, our cat will watch quietly from under a table. She doesn’t like visitors, unless it’s a lady.
If it’s a lady burglar, the cat will most likely come out and roll over for a tummy rub.
Baud
Did he try to steal your chickens?
jl
@trollhattan:
‘ Laughed and went “eek” at the same time. ‘
Me too. Glad that Ms. B. Cracker is OK.
Maybe Cracker’s dogs just don’t want to show their stuff until it is really needed. Instill a sense of false security in the bad guys. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I am sure that is what they would tell you, if they could.
Rand Careaga
In 1981 my upscale Oakland neighborhood was being terrorized by the “Rockridge rapist,” whose MO was to enter the premises in early evening and conceal himself until the principals had retired, whereupon he would bind the male and leave him on the kitchen floor with a stack of plates on his back and have his way with the female after promising that her throat would be cut should the sound of crashing plates be heard. He would then loot the house. One February evening shortly after seven my dog, of an ordinarily placid disposition, suddenly charged roaring into the bedroom (I was watching Cronkite on a tiny TV in the kitchen; the then-spouse was playing piano in the adjacent room). I sprinted after the creature just in time to see a swarthy character departing via the window. Good dog!
The rapist was eventually caught. He lived in the adjacent city of Alameda, but his parents were residents of a nearby neighborhood, and much of his swag from the robberies was found stashed in their garage. They were shocked, shocked.
Baud
@Rand Careaga: OK, this is going to be one of those scary story threads, isn’t it?
PsiFighter37
So…last time I ask (only got a no from Roger and a yes, location-dependent from Bill): anyone interested in a last-minute scheduled meetup in LA on Friday evening? I’m staying in Santa Monica but have no real preference of where to go / eat, as long as there are very solid beers being served.
Would be nice to see Left Coast Juicers again!
beltane
We both have the same caliber of watchdog. When a bear was prowling around the house last spring, her response was to scare it away with the sound of her snoring.
geg6
Koda would go crazy, run to the stairs to the door and bark until I came and then hide behind me.
Glad you’re ok, Betty. Frightening.
Edited to fix fucking autocorrect. Okra? Seriously?
WereBear
Oh, Betty, I’m so glad things turned out all right!
I was once babysitting in a Florida suburb. The baby was sleeping and I was about to enter the kitchen when I saw the doorknob being tried on the kitchen door. Grabbed the cordless phone and ran into the baby’s room to call 911 and TALK RATHER LOUDLY out into the hallway.
While I was on the phone I looked around for a weapon. But these were early marrieds who had recently moved into town and left all their furniture behind in a previous posting in Germany. I had a choice of crib (after taking the baby out, of course,) some plastic bins they were using to store clothes, or an expensive stereo set. The good weapons were in the kitchen and I wasn’t going in there.
The responding deputies found footprints but no other signs of the intruder.
Rand Careaga
@Baud: Oddly enough, I can’t find any online record of the “Rockridge Rapist,” although the term was much bruited about here in the early eighties, and the stacked plates were apparently a technique employed by a Sacramento area offender active during the same period, so it’s possible that after over three decades I’m conflating the two in that detail. Nevertheless, the episode happened approximately as I related it.
JPL
My son’s friend had his grandmother visiting and they wanted another drinking partner. Yeah I don’t get it either. Any way the son 22 at the time was living at home and saving money. Since rocks at the window didn’t wake son up, friend used the credit card trick on the basement door. At the time I had a golden and sharpei and according to friend they were quite happy for company. Good news, the basement door was fixed so credit cards no longer worked.
I hope they got the trespassers.
also.. son said no thanks, he had to work.
Violet
@Rand Careaga: Wow. Scary. Good dog.
raven
Go with the uppercut.
Hal
Now this is a real guard dog.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpg8BtXhz4M
muddy
Or you could have the kind of dog who alerts you to the fact that a dog barked 1/2 mile away, the neighbor 3 yards over is visible, that dog that’s always loose in the woods is not currently visible but you know she’s a sneak, the cat jumped off the bed upstairs, someone walked past on the opposite sidewalk, the wind is blowing, saw a bird etc. And then the host of things I can’t even discern, but are clearly Her Business. The other dog waits to see if I tell her to stop first before he bothers to join in. Also, why do they bark at doorbells on tv when we have never had a doorbell?
Woodrowfan
our biggest dog would hide, the middle dog would be like “FRIEND! PLAY?” and our tiny little wiener dog would go for the kill. Ankles beware!
jl
In defense or BC’s watchdogs, they did fart. These cutting-edge technologically savvy dogs unleashed chemical WMDs in the general direction (I’m guessing) of the intruder.
muddy
@Woodrowfan: Here’s a scary little wiener dog for you.
Elizabelle
On the positive side, if a cop ever tries to burgle chez Cracker, the local canines will have something to say about it.
And maybe protection extends against the Maytag man, the cable guy, your various pilots, perchance even a soldier or sailor too.
Bobby Thomson
Rapunzel ftw.
JPL
The new pup Finch would attack. He’s the friendliest dog you’d ever meet but when the lights go out, he’s on duty.
askew
Wow, that is scary. Glad to hear you are ok.
They say most break-ins happen during the day. Probably thought the house was empty. Too bad the dogs weren’t much help in scaring them off.
SiubhanDuinne
@Baud:
You mean like being slipped a mickey and waking up in a hotel bathtub filled with ice, and you suddenly realize you HAVE NO KIDNEYS??
Like that?
SiubhanDuinne
@PsiFighter37:
I hope you don’t get measles.
kc
Betty, yikes. Glad you’re OK. That’s scary.
Bill Murray
You shouldn’t have to worry about SWAT teams coming into your house unannounced, so you have that going for ya
p.a.
Have room for a couple (gaggle? Or is gaggle >2?) of geese to go with the chickens? Loud and mean; excellent guardfowl.
SiubhanDuinne
@muddy:
Dear goddess, that is one fugly dog.
trollhattan
@Rand Careaga:
East Area Rapist, who was active in Sac and Stockton for a long while, causing a lot of panic. Regrettably, I knew one of his victims.
WereBear
A friend of ours had a Sheltie who was barking up a storm one day while they were out. The neighbor looked out because of the ruckus and saw someone trying to break into the basement. Called the police, who caught the guy. Dog was the hero of the neighborhood.
He was relating this story when we visited, and he made us promise not to tell for at least a year: he had gone downstairs to see if the window was broken. There was a pile of dog toys. The dog had been planning to play with the burglar, and was barking from excitement.
But, you know, whatever works.
SiubhanDuinne
@p.a.:
Guinea fowl are even better. Lordy but those things are noisy.
askew
@Rand Careaga:
If I saw an episode of SVU with the plate rapist, I’d say that was too farfetched to be true. What a bizarre MO.
On the other hand, good for your dog to spring into action.
My family has a Rhodesian Ridgeback who is supposed to be this scary breed of dog that can tree lions. He is afraid of being alone in a room and mosquitos. Total wimp. Only time he ever got aggressive is when a mouse managed to get in the house. He went insane and cornered it. Made me feel safer to know that he does spring into action.
kc
@Woodrowfan:
Wiener dogs have NO fear.
Baud
@SiubhanDuinne:
That comment needs a trigger alert.
MomSense
So glad you are ok.
Violet
Good Lord. Had the TV paused and just pressed play. “Hardball” is on. Why it’s still on MSNBC I don’t know. Tweety has some guy named John Feehery on who’s a “Republican Strategist.” He claims the Bush name won’t be a problem because “Jeb!” will be on the signs.
Then Tweety asked him if Jeb would be more like his dad or brother. Feehery says he’ll be inbetween. Tweety say, no, he should be more like his dad! Feehery says, oh, he will! But he’ll secretly be conservative. Tweety says I hope he’ll be more like his dad, secretly moderate. Feehery says, Oh he will! Tweety says, Good! So his people won’t be a bunch of neocons. Feehery: His people won’t be a bunch of neocons. But he will have neocons who support him! Tweety: No! I was hoping he’d have moderate guys like X and Y. Feehery: Oh, yes, he’ll do that!
It was ridiculous. Tweety: “Here’s what I want.” Feehery: “That’s exactly what Jeb! will be and do!”
Who the hell actually watches this stuff except by accident or out of some morbid curiosity?
muddy
@SiubhanDuinne: I saw a video where he was capering about, he seemed very sweet. He’d be great though, got the biting power of a pit, but comes in under the weight limit for apartments.
I used to know a dog named Pete who was half a German Shepherd and half Dachshund. His legs were nearly as broad as they were long, he looked like a Shepherd entirely and had a big deep bark. But he was only as tall as a Dachshund. His head was kind of big on him too, but not to the extent of the 1st dog!
Laertes
Sounds like dogs have figured out that the invaders wearing uniforms and badges really like shooting dogs.
muddy
@Laertes: I was standing at my gate speaking to a cop (my report, not my crime) and he was in that chest out, fists on hips stance they like. The dogs found it very aggressive and were freaking out. I told him if he didn’t adapt his body language around dogs he’d end up having to shoot one. They never act like that if they see I want to talk to the person, it was all him.
gogol's wife
@Baud:
Yes, horrible!
Pogonip
@geg6: It gets crazier and crazier!
jl
@Violet:
” Who the hell actually watches this stuff except by accident or out of some morbid curiosity? ”
My folks do, so they can get outraged and angry at Chris Matthews, Ace Reporter!
cckids
@muddy: That . . . is so damn creepy. Just looks WRONG. Also, too, if they truly want it to be adopted they need a better copy writer.
cckids
@WereBear: That is such an awesome story.
glaukopis
I had a golden/st bernard mix that was convinced our mailman was out to get us. All my mail pushed through the slot had holes from her savage defense of the house from this monster. On the other hand, she did once alert the whole neighborhood to a guy who was systematically putting a knife through the sidewalls of every car on the block one night.
muddy
@cckids: There are links all over, funny face went viral I think. Apparently many people want to adopt him.
cckids
We have a neighbor who has a Lab/Basset Hound mix. In looks, it is all Lab, except it has the shorty Basset legs.Very odd looking, especially when he sits.
Violet
My aunt and uncle’s dog used to go absolutely batshit crazy at the dryer buzzer. Nothing else seemed to bother her–the doorbell, us visiting, the phone, the oven timer–nothing. But heaven forbid the dryer buzzer went off. That dog was up and running and scratching at the dryer, no matter where she’d been in the house. Really hilarious to watch.
Woodrowfan
@kc: Wiener dogs have NO fear.
yeah, I love all my dogs dearly. They’re our kids, but the wiener dog is my “little guy”
Elizabelle
@trollhattan: That’s terrifying. And he just stopped. Perhaps dead. If he was convicted for something else, presumably they could find him via a DNA sample.
An LA Magazine article on the cases: In the Footsteps of a Killer
JPL
@Violet: I streamed after that segment and the panel covered Romney’s concession phone call. Although his aide is saying it was just a congratulatory statement, they questioned because his statements before and after the election, pointed towards race.
Turgidson
My goldendoodle pretends he’s a fastidious watchdog when he starts getting bored. He barks at every noise or motion, real or imagined. Generally he doesn’t do this, but he gets bored easily if we don’t take him out as often as he likes.
But once someone is actually inside our house, he’s just ecstatic to meet a new friend. I think this is a byproduct of the fact that, on day my wife and I both work, we have dog walkers pick him up for a hike. Not surprisingly, the dog walkers are his favorite people on earth, even more so than us, we suspect. Also, my sister-in-law is the only other person with a key, and he loves her too. But at one point, my father (at that point a stranger to our dog)was visiting and neither of us could be at the house when he got in, so I instructed him to go in through the back. He reported that the pooch was not the least bit concerned, and in fact terribly excited, that a stranger was suddenly in the house.
So…far from being confident I have a fierce watchdog guarding my house, I’m more concerned an intruder would forge an immediate friendship with the dog and convince him to willingly “be stolen.”
Most of the time, having an outrageously friendly dog is a good thing, though.
Pogonip
@geg6: And if you HAD typed “okra,” what do you want to bet FYAutocorrect would have wanted to change it to “OK,” “Oprah,” or (what mine wanted to use) “on ramp”?
Roger Moore
@Violet:
This is why you should always look at a politician’s record, not his promises; they’ll say anything to get elected because by then it’s too late to change your mind.
Pogonip
@SiubhanDuinne: Can they outshout peacocks?
currants
This post makes me want to ask you to gay-marry me, Betty, even though you’re already straight-married.
skerry
My dog can’t be bothered to get up if someone knocks on the door, let alone try to break in. But he knows immediately and informs me loudly if a squirrel enters the yard.
Hal
@jl: I use to hate watch the 700 Club when I was a teen. Somewhat politically aware and always pretty Liberal, it was a fascinating show to watch sometimes.
One episode I remember had Pat Robertson insisting God was sending him a message about some potential disaster that was happening over the weekend (it was a Friday) and his sign off for the show was, I kid you not; “See you all on Monday…if we’re still here.”
How he never became President I’ll never understand.
Shana
@muddy: Did he change his stance or otherwise “stand down”?
JPL
@currants: According to some repubs, gay marriage will lead to polygamy so it might still work out.
WereBear
They go down into badger holes alone.
YEAH.
Baud
@Hal:
I did as well. The one episode that stands out is when they explained how John Lennon’s “Imagine” had evil lyrics.
JPL
@Baud: Wonder if he spent his younger years trying to listen to Louis, Louis backwards.
WereBear
@muddy: I had a friend bring over something to fix, and when I opened the door Roscoe started going nuts.
He liked the man, so most people would yell at the dog. But I had trained Roscoe myself, so I took a second look. Our friend was standing in that aggressive stance you described.
So I said, “You have to back off, he won’t let you in when you are standing like that.”
He relaxed, the dog relaxed, and he came in and put down the heavy box. “Man!” he said. “I’ve intimidated dobermans with that move!”
“But this,” I said. “Is Roscoe.”
Karen in GA
Betty, very glad you’re okay.
Iggy lets me know, often, at the top of his shrieky little lungs, if the appearance if a stray dog on our property is within the realm of mathematical possibility. Not that it’s actually happening, mind you — just that it could.
SiubhanDuinne
@Baud:
Oh, sorry.
Ahem. TRIGGER!!!
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/robbery/kidney.asp
Iowa Old Lady
Geez, Betty. What did the cop say?
Our house was broken into twice when we lived in Detroit. We knew it was the kid up the street, but it still left us feeling violated.
SiubhanDuinne
@Pogonip:
Well, I’ve never heard a fowloff, so I don’t really know. I expect it would be a draw. The only way to judge is to get an equal number of peafowl and guinea fowl on a property, and then try to sneak in. Have an assistant standing by with a recording device, and an ornithological friend in a lab who can measure the decibels of the two species.
(Note to FY Autocorrect: Species, not spices.)
Woodrowfan
@SiubhanDuinne:
http://explosm.net/comics/3811/
(safe for work)
Arclite
You should be packing heat Betty. Between the castle doctrine and stand your ground, you’d be within your rights. Hell, even if you shot them in the back. This is FL we’re talking about after all. =D
srv
@Arclite: Just reading this makes me want to get a gun. Four home invasions this week here.
Never locked my doors until the cops tried getting in once.
Tree With Water
Fifteen years ago I watched my catch sleep through an earthquake. So much for the much ballyhooed belief that animals sense this stuff coming, thought I…
Belafon
“Frying pans. Who knew, right?!”
WereBear
@Tree With Water: Depends on the cat. Mr WereBear once watched our silly little Smokepuff sit on the ottoman as it traveled around the room, and as soon as it came to rest, he looked around, decided whatever had happened… had stopped happening, and resumed his happy little existence.
Tree With Water
Are your neighbors embarrassed for you? I mean, for not having a gun at the ready and standing your ground? I bet they are.
SiubhanDuinne
@Woodrowfan:
LOL
WereBear
@Tree With Water: Betty doesn’t have to tell them the guy got away. She could have fed him to the chickens.
jl
@Belafon:
“Frying pans. Who knew, right?!”
Anybody ever see Ma Kettle and Cracker in the same room?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/00/Thekettles1.jpg
trollhattan
@Arclite:
By “packing heat” you mean Betty should put the frying pan on a hot burner first, yes?
Thwack-sizzle!
Deecarda
Took my Lab Shepard mix to a lake cove for a swim, we were alone until a guy came out of the woods. My dog came out of the water in attack mode so fast, ran up to the guy and head butted him. The guy was not a threat, didn’t mean to spook us and was pretty cool about the attack, especially since his throat was intact.
muddy
@Shana: Fuck no. I saw his eyes flicker that he heard it, but he did not alter his stance. And the next time he came out he went ahead and bullied me. Big man…
Tree With Water
@WereBear: That’s exactly what I’d tell people happened if I was her. “I fed him to the chickens”. Like Kiser Soasai, it would serve to illustrate to ruthless people what real ruthlessness looks like.
Karen in GA
@muddy: Photoshop made flesh. Or fur, as the case may be.
rikyrah
Scott Walker wants to drop ‘search for truth’ from the University of Wisconsin mission. Here’s why.
By Philip Bump February 4 at 2:23 PM
In his 2015 budget proposal, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R) offers an unusual change amid the details of how and where he proposes spending the state’s money. As noted by the watchdog site PR Watch (and brought to our attention by journalist Abe Sauer), Walker would like to change the statement of purpose and mission for the University of Wisconsin system. Less talk about searching for truth; more talk about meeting the state’s workforce needs.
[…]
There are other proposed changes to the university, too. Among them: a new oversight body called the “University of Wisconsin System Authority,” removing a prohibition against allowing private construction on state-owned land without prior approval of a building commission, and limiting the powers of the Board of Regents. As you might already have read this week, the budget also proposes a massive cut to the university’s funding. It is a substantial overhaul — one that almost certainly reflects the change in language guiding the institution.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2015/02/04/scott-walker-wants-to-drop-search-for-truth-from-the-university-of-wisconsin-mission-heres-why/
Mnemosyne (iPad Mini)
G and I are heading out for a romantic evening of updating our resumes. Because that’s just how we roll.
(I had a good meeting with a recruiter this morning and am updating my resume to her recommended specs, so hopefully there could be some movement on the job front.)
Pogonip
@rikyrah: If there’s anything that makes a politician nervous, it’s that t-word!
BillinGlendaleCA
@rikyrah: No need to search for truth, it’s all in the Bible. That’s the Republican(American Taliban) way.
Pogonip
@currants: Because she is skilled with a skillet?
Iowa Old Lady
@rikyrah: If I was on the faculty there, I’d be looking to move. Budget cut + tuition freeze = unpleasant working conditions. And I speak as one who taught at a place where they came around and took the phones out of our offices as a cost cutting measure.
jl
@rikyrah:
Yeah, the governor’s office says it was an ‘error’, huh? Nice the article showed the change-text edits. Seems like several very consistent, focused and systematic errors. What’s with adding language about principal office and campus near ‘the seat of government’. Capitol of WI is Madison, right? It’s not close enough now, or Walker wants it conveniently even closer to his big money cronies?
Maybe the governor’s office was talking about the ‘error’ of this going public.
I sense on opportunity for some well-deserved attack ads against this corrupt loser, if he gets through the primaries.
currants
@Pogonip: Because she is skilled in the language of skillets, more particularly.
Anne Laurie
Betty C as “Ma” Hunkel, the Red Tornado — first female comic-book superhero, complete with cooking pot helmet!
danielx
Betty:
1) glad you are safe, in spite of dogs that are maybe defective under the terms of the warranty.
2) I may have said this before*, but don’t ever change. we love you just the way you are.
*possibly after reading your post about riding on the float with your sister and abusing the admiring crowd.
Villago Delenda Est
I think your two dogs have watchdog jobs ready and waiting for them at a Rethuglican administration SEC.
If there ever is such a thing again, of course.
Another Holocene Human
You know I’m glad you’re okay. Besides the Reptiloids breaking into backyards there are also a bunch of reptiles and it’s just plain heartbreaking to see your canine tenants so uninvested in your safety and security.
Another Holocene Human
@Anne Laurie: I love the Red Tornado.
Hm, maybe the dogs barked at the deputy because the deputy was more threatening than invader zim.
satby
@muddy: I have 2 of those dogs.
mclaren
Betty Cracker, skillet ninja.
C’mon, admit it…you’re going to be in the sequel to Jupiter Ascending, aren’t you? With a cybernetic artificially intelligent nuclear-powered skillet?
theronware
Intruders will be licked to death!!
D58826
The only person our basest hound ever showed aggression to was my sister when she was home for Christmas. chased her up the stairs growling and snarling. Otherwise he would hold the flashlight for the burglar:-)
JR in WV
@rikyrah:
GOD Forbid the U Wisconsin found some truth, because it would probably put Walker into the Slam for the rest of his electged term~!
I can really believe that Scott Walker hated the very thought of a University somewhere looking for truth! Republicans are so afraid of the truth they can’t stand the very thought of it being found.
Here in WVa the newly majority Republican Legislature has already voted in favor or ending the prevailing wage requirements for government contracts. They want people to work for fifty cents an hour, and beg for work at that rate!
They also seem bound to pass a right to work law, preventing unions from organizing so that workers have to join the successful union to work at that employer.
I’m hating me some Republicans!!!