Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

Spilling the end game before they can coat it in frankl luntz-approved dogwhistles.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

Republicans can’t even be trusted with their own money.

This really is a full service blog.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.

Some judge needs to shut this circus down soon.

We’ll be taking my thoughts and prayers to the ballot box.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

You cannot shame the shameless.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

The revolution will be supervised.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

Prediction: the GOP will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

Republicans: slavery is when you own me. freedom is when I own you.

You are here: Home / Politics / Domestic Politics / Those in Glass Houses

Those in Glass Houses

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Rabid animals are, of course, no laughing matter. The rabies virus can infect the central nervous system, resulting in disease and death, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. But that happens after a host of increasingly scary symptoms: partial paralysis, agitation, hallucinations, hydrophobia. A British man and two children died in Morocco after they were bitten by a rabid cat.

So it was not surprising that when people in the city of Milton, W.Va., saw raccoons behaving weirdly, they involved the local police.

Officers staked out the area where the suspect animals were hanging out, looking for any signs of the masked perpetrators.

But when they caught two of them, they realized they were dealing with a different kind of issue.

The raccoons weren’t rabid. They were drunk.

The raccoons, apparently, had been feasting on crab apples that had fermented on the tree, causing the small animals to walk around “staggering and disoriented,” police said.

But here is my absolute favorite part of the story:

The apprehended animals were held in custody and allowed to sober up in what can only be deemed a raccoon drunk tank.

Get some, raccoons.

Also, I’m sober, but I’ll be damned if that isn’t a good looking raccoon.

Reader Interactions

131Comments

  3. 3.

    kindness

    Where I grew up in the suburbs of NYC we had raccoons in the yard all the time. We ignored them as we secured our trash well enough and our dog didn’t chase them. But the adults were mean. You didn’t see them in the day for the most part. And if you ran into them at night you let them go by and didn’t mess. I knew a guy who had adopted an orphan as a baby. Baby raccoons are so sweet and just like kittens. When it grew up it was great with that guy but had to be in a sturdy cage if anyone else was in the room. No….not pet material.

  4. 4.

    trollhattan

    Fucking raccoon(s) raided my pond last week, wiping out most of the fish and the lily. They are all On My List!

  8. 8.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    @trollhattan: We have raccoons here in beautiful uptown Glendale, I don’t worry about the cocker running into them when the dogs go out cause she’ll just bark a bit and run, I worry about the yorkiepom cause she’ll try to pick a fight with them.

  11. 11.

    M31

    I had some memorable run-ins with drunk woodchucks when I lived in Michigan — same as these guys they’d eat all these fermented apples off the ground and then just lie on their backs with their huge pre-hibernation bellies sticking out, giving you the stink-eye.

    “You want a piece of me, two-legs???!!?!”

  16. 16.

    Roger Moore

    @kindness:

    Baby raccoons are so sweet and just like kittens. When it grew up it was great with that guy but had to be in a sturdy cage if anyone else was in the room. No….not pet material.

    Somebody ought to start breeding them the way the Russians bred domesticated foxes. If you could get them to be as friendly as those foxes are, I’m sure they’d make wonderful, if occasionally exasperating, pets.

  17. 17.

    debbie

    We’ve had drunken birds when winters are cold and there’s a lot of snow on the ground. I haven’t seen any actually staggering, but there have been plenty of meandering footprints in the snow.

  18. 18.

    Barbara

    @M31: Hmm, I noticed that the “click to edit” is showing for recent comments written by others. At any rate, my drunk animal story is when I was in Martinique last year sitting at an outdoor bar waiting for my husband and son to return from a dive, I noticed that some very small birds began perching on shot glasses and pecking feverishly to lap up the liquor still remaining (in one case, a full glass). I had a raccoon that used to get into my dog food that I left outside in a container I thought was secure. Eventually, I moved it inside, but before then, one night I turned on the light at my back door and saw him/her, and he/she made it very clear that I needed to stay on the other side of that door or I would be sorry. They are fierce and smart and adapting well to urban living.

  19. 19.

    Frankensteinbeck

    I’m pretty sure this counts as domestic affairs: I’ve gotten the feedback back on the manuscript of A Rag Doll’s Guide To Enchantment And Murder. About to start corralling beta readers. I sent an email to a second agent, which is a scary, confusing process. I also did some exploratory work on the next book, the cyberpunk one. Oh, and I went another step along the process of forcing my publisher to pay me. Early, mild stuff, yet. Gotta lay the groundwork of giving them a chance.

    Looking at all that, I guess I was more productive than I felt. When your job is as much thinking as acting, it can sometimes not be obvious even to me how much I’ve worked.

  21. 21.

    oatler.

    “Bob’s Burgers” is helping bring acceptability to raccoon culture with Little King Trashmouth and El Diablo.

  22. 22.

    TenguPhule

    @Roger Moore:

    Somebody ought to start breeding them the way the Russians bred domesticated foxes.

    I welcome our bandit faced overlords.

    But seriously, raccoons are too clever and too curious to be good pets. They’re like really smart cats that have opposable thumbs. They know how to open doors!

  28. 28.

    MomSense

    My kid has me watching BBC One. Right now racer snakes (in packs!!!) are hunting Iguanas. Fucking terrifying.

  32. 32.

    TenguPhule

    @MomSense:

    Right now racer snakes (in packs!!!) are hunting Iguanas.

    Actually not a pack. They’re just so many of them there and all of them are hungry. But its still every snake for themselves.

  35. 35.

    TenguPhule

    Mattis calls deployment to the border ‘great training’ as he visits troops in Texas

    Mattis is a fucking tool. Those troops are not going to be with their families this holiday season.

  36. 36.

    Frankensteinbeck

    @Major Major Major Major:
    I’ve got no investment in the guy. If it’s a real accusation and he’s a domestic abuser, toss him in jail and it’s a shame for Stormy, but that’s it. If he’s innocent, I hope that becomes clear and they continue needling Trump. If the wife does publicly support the allegations, I’ll be on her side, and to be honest I’m only waiting because the GOP loves false accusations and police have already shown they want to harass him.

  39. 39.

    Jay

    @Major Major Major Major:

    LAPD officers in West Los Angeles have responded to an incident involving Michael Avenatti, where he is detained during the process of taking an incident report, sources tell @NBCNews – @anblanx

  42. 42.

    Mnemosyne

    I had to look up whether scientists still think raccoons are related to bears, and it turns out that the current consensus is that they’re probably more closely related to weasels and other mustelids. Which makes more sense, personality-wise.

  45. 45.

    oldster

    “Also, I’m sober, but I’ll be damned if that isn’t a good looking raccoon.”

    Oh great. Instead of beer goggles, you’re wearing a raccoon mask.

  47. 47.

    wasabi gasp

    I’ll be damned if that isn’t a good looking raccoon.

    Sounds like someone wants to ferment their berries.

  50. 50.

    JPL

    Twitter tells me Mira Ricardel is gone and the judge is skeptical about Acosta’s free press case. Does this mean we are f.ked.

  53. 53.

    Jay

    @JPL:

    It means the smarter news orgs are going with less twitter hype and more sober statements,

    While all in for Trump Orgs like TMZ are all in on “domestic violence” and “arrested”.

    Instant news is often wrong.

    BTW, Avenatti isn’t running for President. Wikipedia has a list of who’s running, and he’s not on it.

    Oprah isn’t running either.

    Nor is Hillary Clinton.

    Or Chelsea Clinton.

  56. 56.

    Frankensteinbeck

    @Roger Moore:
    There is no TV version, and there definitely won’t be unless I can get the rights back. I at least got them to admit it fell through, but they won’t give me the adaptation rights back so I can get a better agent.

  59. 59.

    Martin

    @Frankensteinbeck: I miss the carp from back around 0.28 or so. If a dwarf got within a tile of water with carp nearby, the carp would grab them and drag them to their death. At embark I’d have to go around and forbid everything within 2 tiles of any reasonably sized water or else all my dwarves would be drowned by the end of summer.

  62. 62.

    satby

    I like raccoons, I’ve rescued a couple of babies after mom was killed by a car (two different times). They went to wildlife rehabbers each time. They’re adorable when infants and obnoxious once sexual maturity kicks in. Just like a lot of humans tbh. Wild animals belong in the wild; unlike my former country neighbors I saw no reason to wantonly kill them.
    Same goes for bats. I love bats.

  63. 63.

    lamh36

    And yet Nancy Pelosi’s leadership is the one being targeted…smh…Schumer’s the one who should be gone.

    @rebeccaballhaus
    Follow Follow @rebeccaballhaus
    More
    In July, Chuck Schumer—who has raised thousands from Facebook employees and whose daughter works there—told Mark Warner to back off of the company. “Mr. Warner should be looking for ways to work with Facebook, Mr. Schumer advised, not harm it.”
    https://twitter.com/rebeccaballhaus/status/1062826590328029185

  64. 64.

    Mandalay

    @JPL:

    Twitter tells me Mira Ricardel is gone

    Melania silently handed her husband the envelope containing the pee pee photos. There was no need to mail it now. There never was, really; she always knew that Donald would see things her way.

  66. 66.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @lamh36: I admit I haven’t followed this closely, but have the Five White Guys ever offered a rationale for getting rid of Pelosi other than variants on “She’s old”?

  67. 67.

    Aleta

    A few years ago domestic v. laws here were changed: police must take one party into custody if they think an argument would continue after they left, or if there’s been a threat or a gun is displayed (or a gun is in the house?–not sure). (They must separate the two and speak to each privately.) Iow, it’s no longer left up to police to decide whether either person is safe from violence. Either person can be removed, even the one who owns the home–usually it’s the one who seems drunk or argumentative.

  71. 71.

    RAM

    We had a great old Northern Spy apple tree in our backyard, and every fall our resident woodchuck would get pretty tipsy on eating fermented windfalls. Drunk woodchucks are basically hilarious.

  72. 72.

    Gelfling 545

    I’ve dealt with drunken birds from fermented elderberries and cats high on catmint but the local racooms seem, as a whole,to be relatively sober.

  75. 75.

    Barbara

    @lamh36: I think TMZ should get ready to write a really big check to Mr. Avenatti. Damages are presumed when you falsely state that someone has been accused of a crime.

  76. 76.

    Jay

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist:

    Actually they want “new”, that’s their only reason.

    And they claim they won’t have a cantidate until after Pelosi is “defeated” because people are too scared to run against Nancy.

  78. 78.

    Barbara

    @Jay: Okay, if your substitute is “too scared” to run against Pelosi then they are by definition “not qualified” for the job. God almighty, what a bunch of spineless idiots.

  80. 80.

    A Ghost To Most

    @Gelfling 545:
    My brother the racist used to hunt racoons there in WNY with coon hounds. One night he had to wade into a pond to pull a racoon off a dog that the coon was busy drowning. He and the dog got pretty tore up, and Jethro gave up coon hunting after that.

    Do not fuck with a racoon.

  81. 81.

    lamh36

    @Barbara: I mean if it wasn’t the wife, was it another woman they misidentified?

    IDK…i refuse to watch or read TMZ. Levin is a Trump supporter and no better than the Enquirer

  92. 92.

    Martin

    Nancy is going to have the other 45 Dem members of congress from CA at her back. Nobody can win a leadership fight without the CA delegation. Someone from CA will be speaker and that’s all there is to it. Anyone telling you otherwise does not understand what happened last week.

  93. 93.

    Frankensteinbeck

    @Roger Moore:
    Given that I strongly believe they’ve been stealing my money out of desperation rather than greed, I suspect the process of squeezing it out of them will force them to close. I have heard from background sources that yes, the company is in financial trouble that bad, and it’s only getting worse the same way their stealing my money is only getting worse.

  95. 95.

    sdhays

    @Barbara: Yeah, if no one has the conviction to risk challenging Pelosi openly, then what are we all talking about? They’ve had years to build the relationships and influence needed to take on Pelosi, just as she built her relationships and influence to become leader years ago. They’re not just spineless, they’re LAZY.

  96. 96.

    TenguPhule

    @Martin:

    Nobody can win a leadership fight without the CA delegation.

    Republicans best chance is that nobody wins. Which is what all this recent horseshit in the media being dumped on Nancy Pelosi seems to be for.

  97. 97.

    TenguPhule

    @Frankensteinbeck:

    Given that I strongly believe they’ve been stealing my money out of desperation rather than greed, I suspect the process of squeezing it out of them will force them to close. I have heard from background sources that yes, the company is in financial trouble that bad, and it’s only getting worse the same way their stealing my money is only getting worse.

    Break out the lawyers and start filing liens on personal assets of the owners. You don’t owe them anything. They’ll steal everything otherwise and leave you drifting in the wind.

  99. 99.

    Elizabelle

    That is a sweet little raccoon face. Will take it any day of the week, over the orange one we see too much. (Now, with yak hair.)

    I want Speaker Nancy Pelosi. I hope she prevails. Because she will persist.

  100. 100.

    Mary G

    Mother Jones has more information on the scam company that hired Not-Acting-Attorney-General Matt Whitaker:

    In November 2014, a Miami Beach-based firm, World Patent Marketing, announced the “marketing launch” of a “MASCULINE TOILET,” which boasted a specially designed bowl to help “well-endowed men” avoid unwanted contact with porcelain or water. “The average male genitalia is between 5″ and 6″,” the firm’s press release said. “However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that.” In the same release, World Patent Marketing also touted the recent appointment of “Matthew G. Whitaker, former Iowa US Attorney and Republican candidate for United States Senate to the company’s advisory board.”

  105. 105.

    Yutsano

    Cute trash panda is cute.

    BTW if you have to get a hold of the IRS any time soon be a little patient. Apparently an update we had is slowing just about everything down.

  106. 106.

    A Ghost To Most

    @Duane:

    Barbecue coon is surprisingly good.

    Words I never thought I’d read on Balloon Juice. Truly a full service blog.

  109. 109.

    Frankensteinbeck

    @TenguPhule:

    Break out the lawyers

    That is a process, and I have begun it as the SFWA instructs. Now that the book is done and I have the mindspace free, I’m not going to let this slide any further.

    @Roger Moore:

    LAPD is refusing to give more details until after he’s been booked.

    The police have harassed him before. I’ll wait and see. If it’s a substantive accusation, fine, throw the book at him.

  110. 110.

    A Ghost To Most

    @TenguPhule:
    Yeah, no. I did have what I believe to be a rabid woodchuck come after me in MD. I ended up literally chucking firewood at it to drive it off.

  111. 111.

    opiejeanne

    @Mnemosyne: And Twitter is a fucking shit show today, all the idiots lining up and yelling about Pelosi being a corporatist, etc. It’s just stupid.

  113. 113.

    Mnemosyne

    @Martin:

    I suspect they’re trying to split the CA delegation by having Twitter clamor for Barbara Lee, but as linked above, Lee is not interested in being Speaker, and she’s not dumb enough to agree to be a figurehead for the white dudes who might want to elevate her and be the power(s) behind the throne.

    It would be HILARIOUS if all of these scheming dudes got voted down and the leadership was all women, with Pelosi at the head. It won’t happen, but it would be awe-inspiring to watch the Republican tantrums.

  115. 115.

    opiejeanne

    @sdhays: Some guy on Twitter said, “Yes, I want a woman to be Speaker, just not her,” And he went on to name no one.

    Where have we heard that before? Hmmm.

  116. 116.

    opiejeanne

    @A Ghost To Most: My Ozark grandpa made the comment that, yes, you can eat raccoon but you’d have to be darned hungry. He lived in the backwoods of the Missouri Ozarks that still only has one paved road, and that’s the state highway. They don’t even have signs on most of the roads so navigation is interesting.

  118. 118.

    opiejeanne

    @Mnemosyne: One guy named someone i’ve never heard of before. Can’t find the tweet now, I think he deleted it.

    The guy who said he wanted a woman, just not Pelosi named Karen Bass. Bass is supporting Pelosi.

  122. 122.

    JimV

    “I’ll be damned if that isn’t a good looking raccoon.”

    That was my exact thought as the picture scrolled into view on my laptop. Mainly because it looks peaceful and open to friendship. My previous small experience with raccoons is that they tend to seem suspicious if not hostile–probably with good reason.

  125. 125.

    Roger Moore

    @Starfish:
    It’s not just TMZ reporting it, though. Here’s a report from the LA Times that includes a quote from Avenatti confirming that he was arrested, though he naturally claims it was unjustified. So it’s beyond any reasonable doubt that he was arrested. The claim that he was abusing his wife has been refuted, and we’ll have to wait to see how the rest of it shakes out.

  128. 128.

    catclub

    @opiejeanne: I thought somebody tried out having the speaker not be a member of the house.
    I think it would be a hoot if they made Hillary speaker.

  129. 129.

    Tehanu

    Back about 1970 the WSJ had a feature column on every day’s front page — they may still, for all I know, but I haven’t read it since then (it was a job thing). Anyway, I’ve always remembered a great story they ran about birds who got drunk every year on overripe berries, all over the South.

  131. 131.

    J R in WV

    @Mary G:

    In November 2014, a Miami Beach-based firm, World Patent Marketing, announced the “marketing launch” of a “MASCULINE TOILET,” which boasted a specially designed bowl to help “well-endowed men” avoid unwanted contact with porcelain or water. “The average male genitalia is between 5″ and 6″,” the firm’s press release said. “However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that.”

    This reminds me of a very old joke.

    Two guys are walking home after a party, and stop on a small bridge to take a leak.

    The first guy says “Gosh, that water is sure cold!”

    The second guy says “It sure is! Deep too!”

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