Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

You cannot shame the shameless.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Speaker Mike Johnson is a vile traitor to the House and the Constitution.

America is going up in flames. The NYTimes fawns over MAGA celebrities. No longer a real newspaper.

Radicalized white males who support Trump are pitching a tent in the abyss.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

He really is that stupid.

The fight for our country is always worth it. ~Kamala Harris

People identifying as christian while ignoring christ and his teachings is a strange thing indeed.

The fundamental promise of conservatism all over the world is a return to an idealized past that never existed.

Not loving this new fraud based economy.

When you’re a Republican, they let you do it.

If you cannot answer whether trump lost the 2020 election, you are unfit for office.

When your entire life is steeped in white supremacy, equality feels like discrimination.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

Black Jesus loves a paper trail.

Cancel the cowardly Times and Post and set up an equivalent monthly donation to ProPublica.

How any woman could possibly vote for this smug smarmy piece of misogynistic crap is beyond understanding.

If you are still in the gop, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / The Best of The Onion (Open Thread)

The Best of The Onion (Open Thread)

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I don’t see any action in the back room.  Are we all kind of worn out from high expectations followed by what turned out to be a mundane procedural event?

Here’s an open thread –  about anything you want.  But here’s a conversation starter.

I have never forgotten this one: Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Does everyone have a favorite article from The Onion?

Totally open thread.

Reader Interactions

88Comments

  1. 1.

    Ohio Mom

    Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over

    ETA that’s from the eve of Bush 2 starting his presidency

  5. 5.

    bbleh

    … a mundane procedural event

    Administratively and legally perhaps.  But the entire fkin country just saw The Donald appearing somewhere because he was ordered to and being arrested.  Neither the legal and historical significance nor the political implications should be minimized.

    I would expect his comments this evening to border on the completely unhinged.  Also ketchup.

    @Matt McIrvin: omglol true!

    Also WHY do edits strip final characters from all paragraphs?

  6. 6.

    JoyceH

    Was it the Onion that ran an article something about “the GOP nominates a flaming ball of incoherent rage”?

  17. 17.

    Steeplejack

    “New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering of Smaller Breasts”:

    LAS VEGAS — The buzz at this month’s Consumer Electronics Show was all about a new breakthrough in the field of high-resolution 3-D graphics that has made it possible to render average-sized breasts on female video game characters. “For too long, game designers have been creatively stymied by a mammary-imaging technology only capable of rendering one type of breast—a heaving pair of massive, gravity-defying, torpedo-shaped bosoms,” said Warren Hood, developer of the new Vex9 graphics card, which has finally enabled video game wire-frame artists to digitally sculpt breasts as small as B-cups. “At long last, we can give die-hard gamers the level of realism they’ve been looking for.”

    Also the ongoing saga of Herbert “H-Dog” Kornfeld, the mack daddy accounts receivable supervisor at Midstate Office Supply.

  21. 21.

    LiminalOwl

    “Douments Prove Abraham Lincoln was a Woman! — John Wilkes Booth Was Her Lover!!”

    oops, sorry, that was the late lamented Weekly World News. I don’t remember any Onion headlines.

  24. 24.

    WaterGirl

    @LiminalOwl: Well, if we are branching out into National Enquirer territory, there’s my favorite from when I was a cashier at the grocery store, putting myself through college.

    Half-man, half-woman gives birth to child he is father to.

  28. 28.

    Ishiyama

    Very few people realize that the Onion started in Madison, Wisconsin, and that the name came from students referring to the Student Union as the “Onion”, as in “let’s go to the Onion to grab some Babcock Hall ice cream”.

  31. 31.

    eclare

    @Steeplejack:

    As an accountant, loved Herbert R. Kornfeld.  I inherited a silver letter opener of death from my mom, so it’s on accounts payable!

  35. 35.

    RaflW

    “I don’t see any action in the back room.” LOL Cole swoops in 11 minutes later with a blurt-post.

    Never change, Balloon Juice!

  36. 36.

    Wilson Heath

    P-Funk mothership descending on Hootie and the Blowfish concert.  Last paragraph is gold.

  37. 37.

    anastasio beaverhausen

    “Seashell on toilet turns suburban bathroom into tropical oasis.”

  46. 46.

    Jacqueline Squid Onassis

    In the pre-internet days there was a headline along the lines of:

    “Maria Shriver Goes to Have Face Sharpened”

    I laughed for months!

  51. 51.

    Netto

    Best non-Onion headline (by The Guardian):

    British Left Waffles on Falklands Islands

    But does anyone else remember a version that included “shingle” in the headline?

  52. 52.

    Lacuna Synecdoche

    @bbleh:

    … the entire fkin country just saw The Donald appearing somewhere because he was ordered to and being arrested.  Neither the legal and historical significance nor the political implications should be minimized.

    I would expect his comments this evening to border on the completely unhinged.

    Yep. I don’t think it’s fully sunk in yet, but once Trump realizes how thoroughly fucked and humiliated he is, he’ll go ballistic from the rage and pain of his narcissistic injury.

  53. 53.

    kmeyerthelurker

    Wasn’t an article, just one of the fake headlines they used to put on the front page:

    “Abortion stops a beating”, riffing on the old antichoice slogan “Abortion stops a beating heart,”

    In horrible taste,of course, but man did that make me laugh.

  56. 56.

    Mark Regan

    “Holy Shit!  Man Walks on Fucking Moon” is the best, but the one that strikes closest to home is “Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results”

    theonion.com/plan-to-straighten-out-entire-life-during-weeklong-vaca-1819566088​

    “I decided the first thing I was going to do was unpack all the stuff in the basement,” Olson said. “When I opened the first box marked ‘Magazines,’ it had nothing but a bunch of socks and my electric pencil sharpener. I got so pissed off with my lack of organization, I went back upstairs and started watching TV.”

  58. 58.

    M31

    “Area Man Leaves Full Glass of Water on Nightstand Just In Case He Wants to Make a Huge Mess in the Middle of the Night”

    (The “holy fucking shit, man lands on the fucking moon” might be my favorite, I read it every year on the anniversary, the audio version is great too)

  61. 61.

    Central Planning

    Back in 1999 or 2000 I subscribed to the print edition of The Onion. From what I remember it was something to look forward to.

  62. 62.

    Princess

    I can’t remember if “Area Cat has Never been Fed Ever, According to Area Cat,” is The Onion or somewhere else.

  63. 63.

    Damned at Random

    @LiminalOwl: Yesterday, someone on the TV said Trump was charismatic, and I was thinking of the days when I was in the mood for a supermarket tabloid. Given the choice between the National Enquirer with Trump on the cover and the Weekly World News with a Bat Boy cover, I was Team Bat Boy  every time. He would have mad a better president, too.

    I miss the Weekly World News

  72. 72.

    AnneWith

    My favorite Onion headlines have already been mentioned, but my favorite World Weekly News headline has not: Famed Psychic’s Head Explodes

  80. 80.

    S Cerevisiae

    Alright I absolutely love The Onion but I really miss standing in the grocery store checkout line and seeing the Weekly World News, home of BatBoy. My absolute favorite cover was Redneck Aliens Invade Trailer Park and the illustration was everything you could ask for. That was peak WWN.

  81. 81.

    Xavier

    From memory, so might not be precisely accurate: “Child bankrupts Make A Wish Foundation by wishing for infinite wishes.”

  85. 85.

    Ivan X

    Headline only, no article, but:

    Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open To Public Drilling

    So much rude wit in so little space, right there.

     

    And another headline:

    Local Man Hates Self, Family, Others

    We all know one.

     

    And I like some of their absurdist editorials, like:

    Ask A Bee

    You Want A Piece Of Me?

     

    Oh yeah and this point-counterpoint editorial:

    European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

     

    The Onion also produced three superb (and disturbing!) reality show spoof web series in the early 2010’s when such things were in vogue:

    Sex House

    Porkin’ Across America

    Lake Dredge Appraisal

     

    Those are just off the top of my head. I could do this for hours. They are geniuses. Too bad their website is so unpleasant to use.

  86. 86.

    Caroline

    “Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling” – when Bush was in office of course

  88. 88.

    Mo MacArbie

    This cover is a classic.

    Favorite headline: “Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling”.

    Favorite Weekly World News headline: “AIDS Is Killing the World’s Vampires”.

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