I don’t see any action in the back room. Are we all kind of worn out from high expectations followed by what turned out to be a mundane procedural event?
Here’s an open thread – about anything you want. But here’s a conversation starter.
I have never forgotten this one: Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
Does everyone have a favorite article from The Onion?
Totally open thread.
Ohio Mom
Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over
ETA that’s from the eve of Bush 2 starting his presidency
Chetan Murthy
https://www.theonion.com/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell-1819566162
Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
Matt McIrvin
Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered in Distant Galaxy
I like it for a very specific reason: the vast majority of Onion articles that even have text just belabor the joke already made in the title, but this one actually takes a turn.
Alison Rose
“Kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day”
I believe it.
bbleh
… a mundane procedural event
Administratively and legally perhaps. But the entire fkin country just saw The Donald appearing somewhere because he was ordered to and being arrested. Neither the legal and historical significance nor the political implications should be minimized.
I would expect his comments this evening to border on the completely unhinged. Also ketchup.
@Matt McIrvin: omglol true!
Also WHY do edits strip final characters from all paragraphs?
JoyceH
Was it the Onion that ran an article something about “the GOP nominates a flaming ball of incoherent rage”?
Jim Bales
Having lived in and around Beantown since 1984,
“Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’”
https://www.theonion.com/pretty-cute-watching-boston-residents-play-daily-game-o-1819574643
WaterGirl
@Chetan Murthy: According to Hell sources…
ChuckInAustin
MattF
@Matt McIrvin: My understanding is that, for most Onion articles, the headline is written first, and the text is added to fit the headline.
brendancalling
@Chetan Murthy: beat me to it.
WaterGirl
@ChuckInAustin: Everything okay?
dmsilev
One that stuck in my mind was just a headline, no story: “Pier One Apologizes For Rattan Death March”.
Also, the two classic prophetic stories:
Roger Moore
@Chetan Murthy:
Along with that one, there’s also the “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule“. And, of course, there’s the sadly repeated “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens“.
raven
It was never going to be anything other than what it was.
Kelly
I swear this had to be about my neighbor across the road.
https://www.theonion.com/area-man-accepts-burden-of-being-only-person-on-earth-w-1819579668
Steeplejack
“New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering of Smaller Breasts”:
Also the ongoing saga of Herbert “H-Dog” Kornfeld, the mack daddy accounts receivable supervisor at Midstate Office Supply.
PaulWartenberg
The Uncle Joe Biden Onion articles were always a hoot:
https://interactives.theonion.com/biden/
Scout211
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
PaulWartenberg
https://www.theonion.com/biden-says-life-better-than-it-was-4-years-ago-but-noth-1819573866
LiminalOwl
“Douments Prove Abraham Lincoln was a Woman! — John Wilkes Booth Was Her Lover!!”
oops, sorry, that was the late lamented Weekly World News. I don’t remember any Onion headlines.
WaterGirl
@Steeplejack: Some of these are really funny, including this one.
Glory b
This one.
https://www.theonion.com/god-finally-gives-shout-out-back-to-all-his-niggaz-1819566159
WaterGirl
@LiminalOwl: Well, if we are branching out into National Enquirer territory, there’s my favorite from when I was a cashier at the grocery store, putting myself through college.
Half-man, half-woman gives birth to child he is father to.
El Muneco
“Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World”
Anonymous At Work
Dolphins evolve opposable thumbs
https://www.theonion.com/dolphins-evolve-opposable-thumbs-1819565718
Nothing about it wasn’t funny.
El Cruzado
I’m partial to this one: Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back
And of course the all-time classic Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work
Ishiyama
Very few people realize that the Onion started in Madison, Wisconsin, and that the name came from students referring to the Student Union as the “Onion”, as in “let’s go to the Onion to grab some Babcock Hall ice cream”.
Stevo
https://www.theonion.com/breakfast-in-bed-served-to-mom-who-just-got-eaten-out-1819574958
UncleEbeneezer
Male Orgasm Captured On Film
I Think I’ll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This ‘Glory Hole’
eclare
@Steeplejack:
As an accountant, loved Herbert R. Kornfeld. I inherited a silver letter opener of death from my mom, so it’s on accounts payable!
Scout211
‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet
Steeplejack
@WaterGirl:
One of the few where the story enhances the headline.
eclare
https://www.theonion.com/accountants-pack-times-square-for-fiscal-new-year-1819566004
Again, I’m an accountant. And fiscal years suck.
RaflW
“I don’t see any action in the back room.” LOL Cole swoops in 11 minutes later with a blurt-post.
Never change, Balloon Juice!
Wilson Heath
P-Funk mothership descending on Hootie and the Blowfish concert. Last paragraph is gold.
anastasio beaverhausen
“Seashell on toilet turns suburban bathroom into tropical oasis.”
WaterGirl
@Anonymous At Work: That’s too funny!
Quaker in a Basement
@Ohio Mom: That’s the one!
Mornington Crescent
Bears Lead Rex Grossman To Super Bowl
Steeplejack
@eclare:
Fuck those A.P. bitchez!
Lacuna Synecdoche
I don’t know if this is my favorite Onion article, but it’s definitely the one I reference most often:
Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell
Among my favorites would be:
Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon
Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness
Phil
https://www.theonion.com/everyone-involved-in-pizzas-preparation-delivery-purc-1819564897
Steeplejack
@eclare:
Oh, that’s funny! I missed that one.
Edmund dantes
https://www.theonion.com/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy-1819564974
Jacqueline Squid Onassis
In the pre-internet days there was a headline along the lines of:
“Maria Shriver Goes to Have Face Sharpened”
I laughed for months!
eclare
@Glory b:
Oh that’s hilarious! Those tablets…
Steeplejack
@Mornington Crescent:
That’s funny!
Taphozous
This one was a favorite in my lab when I was a grad student (at the University of Wisconsin – Madison, the home of the Onion). “Chad must be entertained at all costs” was a kind of motto for us.
Area Professor Deeply Hurt by Poor Evaluation
Argiope
We all know this one too well.
https://www.theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-r-1850414678
Netto
Best non-Onion headline (by The Guardian):
British Left Waffles on Falklands Islands
But does anyone else remember a version that included “shingle” in the headline?
Lacuna Synecdoche
@bbleh:
Yep. I don’t think it’s fully sunk in yet, but once Trump realizes how thoroughly fucked and humiliated he is, he’ll go ballistic from the rage and pain of his narcissistic injury.
kmeyerthelurker
Wasn’t an article, just one of the fake headlines they used to put on the front page:
“Abortion stops a beating”, riffing on the old antichoice slogan “Abortion stops a beating heart,”
In horrible taste,of course, but man did that make me laugh.
Martin Schafer
Surprised I didn’t see this one. My favorite headline.
https://www.theonion.com/black-man-given-nations-worst-job-1819570341
eclare
@Netto:
Hahaha…
Mark Regan
“Holy Shit! Man Walks on Fucking Moon” is the best, but the one that strikes closest to home is “Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results”
https://www.theonion.com/plan-to-straighten-out-entire-life-during-weeklong-vaca-1819566088
“I decided the first thing I was going to do was unpack all the stuff in the basement,” Olson said. “When I opened the first box marked ‘Magazines,’ it had nothing but a bunch of socks and my electric pencil sharpener. I got so pissed off with my lack of organization, I went back upstairs and started watching TV.”
Miss Bianca
@LiminalOwl: Ah, the Weekly World News…Cabbage Patch Doll Strangles Mom!
“I’m not just a doll…I’m the Lord of Hell!”
M31
“Area Man Leaves Full Glass of Water on Nightstand Just In Case He Wants to Make a Huge Mess in the Middle of the Night”
(The “holy fucking shit, man lands on the fucking moon” might be my favorite, I read it every year on the anniversary, the audio version is great too)
Scout211
CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
eclare
@Mark Regan:
Too funny!
Central Planning
Back in 1999 or 2000 I subscribed to the print edition of The Onion. From what I remember it was something to look forward to.
Princess
I can’t remember if “Area Cat has Never been Fed Ever, According to Area Cat,” is The Onion or somewhere else.
Damned at Random
@LiminalOwl: Yesterday, someone on the TV said Trump was charismatic, and I was thinking of the days when I was in the mood for a supermarket tabloid. Given the choice between the National Enquirer with Trump on the cover and the Weekly World News with a Bat Boy cover, I was Team Bat Boy every time. He would have mad a better president, too.
I miss the Weekly World News
MinbariSafari
Longtime lurker here….
Holy Shit Man Walks on Fucking Moon is close….very close….
but the hands down winner had got to be:
https://www.theonion.com/i-got-what-america-needs-right-here-1819584452
You’ll never think of Jimmy Carter the same way again.
Steeplejack
@Martin Schafer:
Should be paired with this: “Obama Tells Nation He’s Going Out for Cigarettes”:
WaterGirl
@Steeplejack: Another favorite!
Ukai
More like viciously funny than ha-ha funny, although it seems like they’re on better terms these days:
https://www.theonion.com/vindictive-amy-klobuchar-elected-mayor-of-south-bend-i-1842125399
As a Minneapolis resident, I thought the last line was a real zinger.
WaterGirl
@eclare: That’s very funny! I had not seen that one before.
jlowe
Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day https://www.theonion.com/surgeon-general-mills-recommends-three-to-five-servings-1819566681
eclare
@MinbariSafari:
WHOA! You weren’t kidding!
eclare
@jlowe:
LOL!
AnneWith
My favorite Onion headlines have already been mentioned, but my favorite World Weekly News headline has not: Famed Psychic’s Head Explodes
Taken4Granite
From the run-up to the 2003 Iraq invasion: “N. Korea Wondering What It Has to Do to Attract U. S. Military Attention”
https://www.theonion.com/n-korea-wondering-what-it-has-to-do-to-attract-u-s-mi-1819566737
Geoduck
This cartoon, from their rightwing-parodist Kelly, mostly for the guy labelled “sickos” peering in the window. Yes… Ha ha ha… YES!
Uncle Cosmo
@WaterGirl: Heinlein did it smoother, classier, and much earlier.
Ben Cisco 🇺🇸🎖️🖥️♦️
@WaterGirl: I am given to understand that today is your birthday. I hope it has been a happy one!!
Librarian
FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States (theonion.com)
Turner Hedenkoff
Two items. I discovered the first back in the days when it was still in print, during the JonBenet Ramsey circus, and I nearly blew whiskey out my nose when I saw it.
https://www.theonion.com/ugly-girl-killed-1819564191
The other, from their book of historical front pages: “Take a moment to remember where you are.”
https://www.theonion.com/november-22-1963-1819587981
Stealfirstbase
https://www.theonion.com/no-blood-for-oil-vs-exactly-how-much-oil-are-we-talkin-1819594284
The onion has been classic for many years, but i think the above article was great. Also,
https://www.theonion.com/this-war-will-destabilize-the-entire-mideast-region-and-1819594296
Of course, there’s do many good ones. Maybe my favorite ”
It Was Then That I Carried You vs. Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints
S Cerevisiae
Alright I absolutely love The Onion but I really miss standing in the grocery store checkout line and seeing the Weekly World News, home of BatBoy. My absolute favorite cover was Redneck Aliens Invade Trailer Park and the illustration was everything you could ask for. That was peak WWN.
Xavier
From memory, so might not be precisely accurate: “Child bankrupts Make A Wish Foundation by wishing for infinite wishes.”
kalakal
I’ve never been that crazy on The Onion, I much prefer Private Eye but when they get it right…
One of my favourites
Intelligent falling
Bobby Thomson
https://www.theonion.com/wikipedia-celebrates-750-years-of-american-independence-1819568571
AntiCliche
I’m a football fan, so this one just tickles me every time I think about it:
Suspended tackle Albert Haynesworth: I just wanted to make sure the guy was dead
Ivan X
Headline only, no article, but:
Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open To Public Drilling
So much rude wit in so little space, right there.
And another headline:
Local Man Hates Self, Family, Others
We all know one.
And I like some of their absurdist editorials, like:
Ask A Bee
You Want A Piece Of Me?
Oh yeah and this point-counterpoint editorial:
European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy
The Onion also produced three superb (and disturbing!) reality show spoof web series in the early 2010’s when such things were in vogue:
Sex House
Porkin’ Across America
Lake Dredge Appraisal
Those are just off the top of my head. I could do this for hours. They are geniuses. Too bad their website is so unpleasant to use.
Caroline
“Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling” – when Bush was in office of course
Caroline
@Jim Bales: As a New Yorker, of course I find this one about Boston to be hilarious
Mo MacArbie
This cover is a classic.
Favorite headline: “Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling”.
Favorite Weekly World News headline: “AIDS Is Killing the World’s Vampires”.