This Might Be Alexandra Petri’s Best Ever

This really might be Alexandra Petri’s best column ever.  I think it’s perfect, and I’m a hard grader.

Help Wanted: Speaker needed in the House of Representatives

Help wanted!

We are in urgent need of a new speaker for the House of Representatives! Our most recent speaker, Kevin, had to leave unexpectedly, and we are shorthanded with a lot of important business coming up!

Who we are:

The U.S. House of Representatives! We have been called “the second-most august legislative body in the United States” and a lot of other things that are not printable in a family newspaper. Not ringing a bell? We were in a “School House Rock.” Or if you heard anyone complaining about partisan gridlock grinding something to a halt, that was probably us.

In our House, unlike an increasing number of statehouses around the country, gerrymandering has not resulted in a Republican majority that is trying to lock everyone with a womb in a vault underground where they cannot vote and their screams cannot be heard. No, here it has just resulted in a steadily increasing inability to keep the country functional! This is the place where Lauren Boebert goes for work! So do Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene and more than 10 Mikes!

Speaker is the most important position we have to offer. This job has launched the careers of Newt Gingrich (failed presidential candidate), John Boehner (cannabis lobbyist), Paul Ryan (something at a … think tank, maybe?). Every man who has recently held this position has run away from it screaming, “No! Don’t send me back there! I don’t want to go back!” Though if you ask him what he saw, he will not answer, so there’s a possibility it’s haunted! Just in time for spooky season!

Do I need to be a member to apply? No! You don’t technically need to be a member of the House of Representatives to be speaker, but it helps if you are a member because that is one fewer vote you will need to wrangle.

What does the job entail? You have one job: Make all the laws for the entire country. This includes passing a budget so the government can keep running! If this sounds too overwhelming, just impeach the president.

Is there a dress code? Oh God, don’t ask us that right now.

What are the day-to-day responsibilities? You must count votes! While you’re doing this, keep in mind that there is a club of anywhere from eight to 45 people who don’t want you to get anything done, and some of them might hate your guts! Also, fundraising.

Requirements:

Must be able to count! Other useful skills include herding cats and walking and chewing gum at the same time, though these might be metaphors. You will get to preside from the chair, and recognize or not recognize people, and give them the floor (these might also be metaphors).

I see here that this job was done by a woman for eight years (nonconsecutively); how hard can it possibly be? Harder than you’d think!

Job perks include:

Great seat at State of the Union address, if you’re a fan of Joe Biden. Note: You cannot sell or trade the seat!

You get a little hammer!

Work with a man named Chip!

Second in line to the presidency of the United States!

Popcorn (We can get popcorn if this is important to you.)

Ideal candidate skills and traits:

Have a clear agenda but also be willing to reach across the aisle; be actively interested in making people’s lives better, either by repealing laws that don’t make sense or passing laws that do; be willing to listen and compromise, with the understanding that people live in this country and like it here and it would bring them peace of mind if the government did not arbitrarily stop working every four to six weeks.

But we’re probably just going to pick someone Matt Gaetz wants.

Open thread.