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You are here: Home / Open Threads / This Might Be Alexandra Petri’s Best Ever

This Might Be Alexandra Petri’s Best Ever

by WaterGirl|  October 6, 202312:36 am| 13 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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This really might be Alexandra Petri’s best column ever.  I think it’s perfect, and I’m a hard grader.

Help Wanted: Speaker needed in the House of Representatives

Help wanted!

We are in urgent need of a new speaker for the House of Representatives! Our most recent speaker, Kevin, had to leave unexpectedly, and we are shorthanded with a lot of important business coming up!

Who we are:

The U.S. House of Representatives! We have been called “the second-most august legislative body in the United States” and a lot of other things that are not printable in a family newspaper. Not ringing a bell? We were in a “School House Rock.” Or if you heard anyone complaining about partisan gridlock grinding something to a halt, that was probably us.

In our House, unlike an increasing number of statehouses around the country, gerrymandering has not resulted in a Republican majority that is trying to lock everyone with a womb in a vault underground where they cannot vote and their screams cannot be heard. No, here it has just resulted in a steadily increasing inability to keep the country functional! This is the place where Lauren Boebert goes for work! So do Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene and more than 10 Mikes!

Speaker is the most important position we have to offer. This job has launched the careers of Newt Gingrich (failed presidential candidate), John Boehner (cannabis lobbyist), Paul Ryan (something at a … think tank, maybe?). Every man who has recently held this position has run away from it screaming, “No! Don’t send me back there! I don’t want to go back!” Though if you ask him what he saw, he will not answer, so there’s a possibility it’s haunted! Just in time for spooky season!

Do I need to be a member to apply? No! You don’t technically need to be a member of the House of Representatives to be speaker, but it helps if you are a member because that is one fewer vote you will need to wrangle.

What does the job entail? You have one job: Make all the laws for the entire country. This includes passing a budget so the government can keep running! If this sounds too overwhelming, just impeach the president.

Is there a dress code? Oh God, don’t ask us that right now.

What are the day-to-day responsibilities? You must count votes! While you’re doing this, keep in mind that there is a club of anywhere from eight to 45 people who don’t want you to get anything done, and some of them might hate your guts! Also, fundraising.

Requirements:

Must be able to count! Other useful skills include herding cats and walking and chewing gum at the same time, though these might be metaphors. You will get to preside from the chair, and recognize or not recognize people, and give them the floor (these might also be metaphors).

I see here that this job was done by a woman for eight years (nonconsecutively); how hard can it possibly be? Harder than you’d think!

Job perks include:

Great seat at State of the Union address, if you’re a fan of Joe Biden. Note: You cannot sell or trade the seat!

You get a little hammer!

Work with a man named Chip!

Second in line to the presidency of the United States!

Popcorn (We can get popcorn if this is important to you.)

Ideal candidate skills and traits:

Have a clear agenda but also be willing to reach across the aisle; be actively interested in making people’s lives better, either by repealing laws that don’t make sense or passing laws that do; be willing to listen and compromise, with the understanding that people live in this country and like it here and it would bring them peace of mind if the government did not arbitrarily stop working every four to six weeks.

But we’re probably just going to pick someone Matt Gaetz wants.

Open thread.

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Reader Interactions

13Comments

  1. 1.

    BeautifulPlumage

    October 6, 2023 at 12:43 am

    I can’t believe it’s only Thursday! I am soooooo tired of winning.

  2. 2.

    Steeplejack

    October 6, 2023 at 12:49 am

    @BeautifulPlumage:

    Well, we’ve broken through to Friday (barely), at least on the East Coast.

    Alexandra Petri deserves a Pulitzer Prize. It’s a crime that MoDo has one and Petri doesn’t.

    . . . Damn. My spidey sense was tingling, so I checked. Lord, Peggy Noonan has a Pulitzer Prize!

  3. 3.

    Alison Rose

    October 6, 2023 at 1:08 am

    Okay, I definitely needed that laugh, so thank you!

  4. 4.

    wjca

    October 6, 2023 at 1:15 am

    There are other folks on the Washington Post opinion page that are often worth reading.  (And several who are never worth wasting an instant on.)  But Petri is always worthwhile.

  5. 5.

    Evap

    October 6, 2023 at 1:16 am

    Thank you, WG.  I just returned home from 8 hours in the ER (broken arm) and this plus a glass of Merlot has vastly improved my state of mind.

  6. 6.

    Steeplejack

    October 6, 2023 at 1:34 am

    @Evap:

    Bummer about the arm. Hope it heals quickly and without much pain.

  7. 7.

    karen marie

    October 6, 2023 at 1:40 am

    @Evap: How’d you do that?

    I hope it’s feeling better.

  8. 8.

    West of the Rockies

    October 6, 2023 at 1:55 am

    Our house in the middle of the street…

    Our house is filled with lots of creaps…

  9. 9.

    Tehanu

    October 6, 2023 at 2:11 am

    Quite enjoyed that! and thanks for posting the whole thing; I can’t get past the WaPo paywall.

  10. 10.

    Ishiyama

    October 6, 2023 at 2:41 am

    Popcorn? None of that air-popped crap! Fried in butter like the good Lord intended!

  11. 11.

    Elizabelle

    October 6, 2023 at 6:03 am

    Alexandra Petri is a treasure.  But:

    Second in line to the presidency of the United States!

    Actually third.  How did that make it to the WaPost?

    Ah.  They have corrected it.  But, editors!

    An earlier version of this column incorrectly said the House speaker is third in line to the presidency. The position is second, after the vice president. This version has been corrected.

  12. 12.

    lowtechcyclist

    October 6, 2023 at 6:05 am

    I must admit it’s hard for me to laugh about this. Here we are, supposedly the greatest nation in the world, and we have no functioning legislative branch. And we are far from sure when we will have one.

    Meanwhile, Putin is bombing the shit out of Ukraine because he figures he can get away with it.

    Just have this feeling of dread about the whole thing, like I had after the 2016 election.

  13. 13.

    Stevo

    October 6, 2023 at 8:27 am

    Had to stick in AOC to have both sides….

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