Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

Republicans don’t lie to be believed, they lie to be repeated.

Republican also-rans: four mules fighting over a turnip.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

New McCarthy, same old McCarthyism.

The jury literally has a bell they can ring to force Trump to show up on command. Greatest thing ever!

Tide comes in. Tide goes out. You can’t explain that.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

There are a lot more evil idiots than evil geniuses.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

I have other things to bitch about but those will have to wait.

Cole, when it comes to calico cats, restraint is overrated.

Cole is on a roll !

The words do not have to be perfect.

A consequence of cucumbers

Elections aren’t won by handwringing, cowering, and/or bashing your own candidates.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

It’s easier to kill a dangerous animal than a man who just happens to have different thoughts/values than one’s own.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

Of course you can have champagne before noon. That’s why orange juice was invented.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Cold Grey Dawn Open Thread: Jim Jordan, A Bounteous Gift to America’s Snarksters

Cold Grey Dawn Open Thread: Jim Jordan, A Bounteous Gift to America’s Snarksters

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Cold Grey Dawn Open Thread: Jim Jordan, Bounteous Gift to America's Snarksters

(John Deering via GoComics.com)

Cold Grey Dawn Open Thread: Jim Jordan, Bounteous Gift to America's Snarksters 1
 
Alexandra Petri, at the Washington Post — “This is why I hate elections, by Jim Jordan” [gift link]:

You see! Now you get it! Now you understand why I am so opposed to elections. Now you see why I was working so earnestly to undo the 2020 electoral results. Because voting is my nemesis.

Look what I have to show for my efforts to become speaker of the House of Representatives! Two rounds of voting, and I managed to get fewer votes the second time than the first! I don’t understand. My plan was flawless! Go on Fox News and yell!

I thought I had a clear pitch! “I have never passed any legislation, I want to burn everything down, and I am friends with Sean Hannity. Put me in charge, or someone will send you a series of weird texts!” Yet this has not been working! I also tried tweeting that it was time to put aside our differences and come together, but apparently nobody could read that sentiment from me without bursting into hysterical laughter.

So you understand now what I was doing. Why I have made it my business to undermine our democratic institutions! You thought I was trying to overturn the results of the 2020 election for my health? Just because I love chaos and want to throttle any thriving institution until it perishes? No! I was doing it because voting does not work out for me.

Look, it is not that I am bad at building alliances and getting votes and counting them. Well, those things are true, but they are not the only problem. The main problem is that the current system requires you to be better at building alliances and getting votes and counting them than at YELLING (I love yelling), embracing conspiracy theories and having done something mysterious that prevents you from wearing jackets.

Yes, I have been called a “legislative terrorist,” and my beliefs are extremely fringe! Not in fun ways, like they would make a festive addition to a jacket (as previously mentioned, I hate jackets), but in consequential ways, like I long to shut down the government and favor a nationwide ban on abortion. Some have called me a conservative firebrand, which sounds so nice — like I am a stick that conserves things, and maybe I use cool rhetoric, as opposed to being an extremist who wants to see everything burn.

Look, if we learn anything from my 2023 attempts to become speaker of the House, and Donald Trump’s 2020 efforts to remain president, it’s that elections are a bad method for putting me in charge of things. Obviously, we should be in charge. The simple fact that a majority of people do not want us to be in charge should not be allowed to stand in our way.

No, I’m not the problem. Voting is the problem…

My preciousssss!
Cold Grey Dawn Open Thread: Jim Jordan, Bounteous Gift to America's Snarksters 2

Reader Interactions

72Comments

  1. 1.

    hells littlest angel

    The balls on that guy to hold a press conference! Attention press corps: OSU wrestlers, OSU wrestlers, OSU wrestlers. Also, contempt of Congress, contempt of Congress, contempt of Congress. And furthermore, insurrection, insurrection, insurrection.

  3. 3.

    satby

    This is catnip to the media. Dissention! Drama! Backroom dealing! Thinly veiled threats! Strong arm tactics to get votes!!

    And even pushback from reporters when the Republicans try to blame the Democrats for the mess. It’s the most fun they’ve had since Biden’s no drama admin came into office, they get to feel like real reporters breaking stories! 

  4. 4.

    satby

    @hells littlest angel: This, absolutely. Like his idol tfg, Jordan may just find out how much better he had it just being a lower level gadfly instead of seeking real power. Hoping some enterprising reporter is looking into how he’s amassed 30 million $, and I hope some former victims of the sex abuser he enabled can still sue his ass for a healthy piece of that loot.

  7. 7.

    lowtechcyclist

    But not until he wakes up to “I Got You Babe,” is asked about the weather, & runs in to Ned Ryerson.

    “The votes aren’t there this morning.”
    The votes aren’t there every morning!”

  8. 8.

    Geminid

    @satby: I hope some enterprising reporter finds out if Jordan really has that $30 million. I looked at one of the stories that claimed Kyrsten Sinema was now worth so many millions, and the underlying “accounting” tricks were ludicrous.

  9. 9.

    Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg

    @lowtechcyclist: “The votes aren’t there this morning.”
    The votes aren’t there every morning!”

    Comedy gold.

    Gym is going to have another awful day.

  10. 10.

    Nukular Biskits

    @Geminid:

    LOL! Naw, just happened to wake up earlier than usual this morning.

    My usual weekday routine is to get up at 0400, drink coffee & read online until 0430, do my constitutional and then head to work by 0530.

    And, yes, by the end of the day, my arse is dragging.

  11. 11.

    Ripley

    @Nukular Biskits:

    My usual weekday routine is to get up at 0400, drink coffee & read online until 0430, do my constitutional and then head to work by 0530.

    I follow a similar, slightly later schedule. God, I love my quiet early morning time. Today, the dogs didn’t even get out of bed (yet) and I’m pulling a half day of WFH this afternoon. It’s practically a vacation.

    Wishing everyone a great weekend. Defund the GOP!

  14. 14.

    Shalimar

    @Geminid: If he does have $30 million, Jordan should be in prison.  Supposedly his $6 million per year business is helping plastics and rubber companies navigate government red tape.  That is what House members do for their elected job.  You can’t have it as a side income too.  He’s essentially being paid as a lobbyist while he is still in office.

  15. 15.

    Tony Jay

    There should be a word, probably German, though Japanese would do at a pinch, for the level of mastubatory delusion necessary for anyone to think that an early morning press conference by someone as rantingly unpleasant as Gymkhana Jordan is likely to convince anyone of anything other than how much they’d enjoy never having to hear from Gymkhana Jordan ever again.

    FFS. They voted against you twice already. They turned down your genius scheme to have Buzzcut Bowtie act as your medium. They are not into you. They are very much not going to vote for you. Give it up, you creepy 70s cop in a brown polyester suit looking motherlover.

  24. 24.

    Patricia Kayden

    Jordan’s thugs are calling GOP Representatives to threaten them with violence for not supporting him. Republicans have normalized using violence as a political tool. It’s terrifying to see. They’re unfit for office.

  25. 25.

    bbleh

    I am told this is an attempt to use the “bully pulpit” …

    He’s got the “bully” part down, but he’s got a real problem with the “pulpit” part.

  26. 26.

    Kathleen

    @satby: It just makes sense. I wish the pro Issue 1 ads also focused a bit more on how existing law can threaten life of the mother but I get they need to keep it simple.

  27. 27.

    Geminid

    It seems like the anti-Jordan bloc is witholding votes and trying to calubrate their opposition to be “not too hard, not too soft, just right.”

    Many attribute this to fear of retaliation, and there probably is something to that take. But I think there may also be a strategic reason: anti-Jordan members want a Speaker more in the center of their caucus, like McCarthy was. They want to be able to tell the Jordan camp, “Look, we voted for your guy and it didn’t turn out. So now, vote for our guy.”

    So who will that guy be? Not one of the Jordan no-voters, but someone who voted for Jordan. Whoever it is will have a tough time getting to 217, but they might make it.

  29. 29.

    Kathleen

    @Patricia Kayden: I commented on that in response to Dana Milbank’s most recent column in WaPo, in which he did detail this behavior. My comment was that this story needs to be front and center in all media. Maybe now that Republicans are threatened it will be.

  31. 31.

    Geminid

    Reviews of the President’s speech last night seem generally good. I like that it was relatively brief: around 15 minutes I believe. That seems a good approach to me. The underlying problems could be analysed for hours, but the matters at hand are much simpler.

  36. 36.

    Kay

    Good poll for reproductive rights in Ohio:

    A majority of Ohio voters said they would vote for Issue 1, the proposed abortion rights amendment, if the election was held today, according to a newly released poll by Baldwin Wallace University.
    The poll released Wednesday showed 58.2% would vote yes, 33.5% would vote no, and 8.2% are undecided on the amendment.
    The poll is the latest to sample voters on their feelings about Issue 1. The Nov. 7 election is just 20 days away.

    Seems too optimistic to me but that might be because I’m canvassing locally and my area is 75% Right wing.

  37. 37.

    Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg

    I have finally heard Jordan’s voice (I don’t do video clip/hot take news), and his whiny, tinny, high-pitched tone would put anyone off.

  39. 39.

    Betty

    @smith: The Boston Globe used the “Republicans are in disarray” line in a story this morning. About time!

    Edited because I didn’t have my coffee yet.

  41. 41.

    NorthLeft

    I am eagerly waiting for this morning’s vote and to see that there are now twenty-five votes against Mr. Jordan.

  45. 45.

    TS

    The American People are looking for house republicans to stand up and lead!!!

    We need to fund the military. We need to get back to our committee work

    We need to do what we says (sic) we were going to do

    Now we are reading the bible – fight the good fight

    This is baloney squared

  46. 46.

    catclub

    When Gollum said that the Hobbits stole the Ring from him, he was correct.
    Of course, He also had killed Deagol to steal it from him, earlier.

  51. 51.

    Frankensteinbeck

    @TS:

    Well, this confirms previous reports.  Yes, Jordan does indeed believe he’s some kind of born god king, the natural leader of conservative America who is owed the Speaker position by right.

  53. 53.

    Anne Laurie

    @Ironist: Honestly, “calubrate” sounds like an actual word. ☺️

    Yeah, I think ‘calubrication’ is what happens when pollsters massage their messaging just so…

  55. 55.

    Ken

    I 100% believe we’re going to get a GOP fistfight over the speakership. I just hope to God it’s on camera.

    Didn’t we get close during the McCarthy-athon?  Someone lunged at Gaetz but was restrained, if I recall correctly. I bet the one who rescued Gaetz has regretted that since.

    We’ve already had reports of “lunging” this go-round. It seems a favored technique in the GOP, or perhaps a favorite word for reporters.

  57. 57.

    PaulWartenberg

    I’m seeing tweets now from people predicting this is all going to degrade into fist fights between Republicans on the House floor.

    I can’t believe we’re at the point where waiting for a Preston Brooks moment is a GOOD thing to get this nation out of its logjam…

  58. 58.

    Tony Jay

    @Karen S.:

    Then by now he should be lying on the floor of the House rotunda groaning weakly and weighing about the same as an unfilled sausage skin.

  59. 59.

    Another Scott

    Lawrence Andrea
    @lawrencegandrea
    56m

    NEW: Rep. Derrick Van Orden arrived in Israel this morning for what he’s described as a fact-finding mission.

    He’ll miss speaker votes today and potentially in the coming days. He’s supported Jim Jordan. More here: jsonline.com/story/news/poli…

    (via https://nitter.net/fritschner)

    Jack E. Smith ⚖️
    @7Veritas4
    9h

    To the 20ish Republicans refusing to be held hostage by the MAGA caucus:

    When Jim Jordan calls for a vote tomorrow, tell him 5 of you will vote “Present”.

    And then 5 more in the next round.

    You’ll have a new nominee before lunch.

    You’re welcome.

    Ps: This advice assumes Jim can do basic math.
    Oct 20, 2023 · 3:26 AM UTC

    I wouldn’t be surprised if something like this happens mid-November to break the log jam. There will be a solution.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  60. 60.

    SFAW

    @Nukular Biskits: ​

    WTH is everyone? Hey, if I gotta be up this early, EVERYONE ELSE should be up as well!

    We’re here, but we’re actually WORKING — heard of it? — so that lazy bastids like you can sleep as long as you want.

    ETA: And get offa my lawn!

  61. 61.

    Nukular Biskits

    @SFAW:

    We’re here, but we’re actually WORKING — heard of it? — so that lazy bastids like you can sleep as long as you want.

    ETA: And get offa my lawn!

    Putting on my geezer hat …

    Oh, yeah? Well I was working before you were born and I ain’t slept in 20 years!

  62. 62.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @satby:

    LOL, “[Voting for people who hate government to serve in government] is like having a vegan butcher or a Baptist sex therapist” — brilliant!

  63. 63.

    Warblewarble

    If we can survive into another centuary , I believe the piece by Iyad el Baghdadi , will be seen to be one  of few good things to be said for our times,

  66. 66.

    Mo MacArbie

    I thought “calubrate” had something to do with weighing the consequences and selecting the appropriate…oh wait, it has nothing to do with that.

  67. 67.

    Fake Irishman

    @Kay:

    My wife’s family is from one of those counties (Putnam) Honestly if you can keep the No vote to 75 percent, issue 1 will win big.

    Keep on doing the proverbial Lord’s work, Kay, we salute you!

  69. 69.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @mrmoshpotato: Well hell, why not? The Germans stage a yearly Spargelfest, celebrating asparagus, and the Poles have an annual infatuation with (I kid you not) kohlrabi.

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