I can’t stop looking at photos of this beautiful man. I’m so,so sad that such a cruel,unyielding disease always tried to define him. It will never define him for me. His untouchable gift for comedy,his total honesty on & off screen & his beautiful,handsome face will . pic.twitter.com/7CBM5jugXJ
— Hannah Waddingham.💣 (@hanwaddingham) October 29, 2023
I want to leave Matthew Perry’s own words here as the way we remember him. There will never be another like him- he lit up so many hearts in so many ways. Godspeed to Paradise! pic.twitter.com/rUYSeD7tW0
— Mira Sorvino (@MiraSorvino) October 29, 2023
Full text: (click the image below to see the bigger, non-blurry version)
I read that he had “failed sobriety” something like 60 or 70 times. But he never gave up on other people.
Open thread.
WaterGirl
Let’s make it happen here.
zhena gogolia
That’s a very nice statement. Rest in peace.
Ohio Mom
A good friend has a user son, he may be up to a dozen failures (we are losing count). I kept saying, one of these times it’s going to stick (“it” being rehab or a DIY effort) but reading that Matthew Perry failed sobriety that many times…yikes.
We really need to overhaul how we think about and treat addiction. What we are doing doesn’t work very well.
I hardly knew Matthew Perry, the show Friends came along too late to catch my attention. Now I see there was much more to him than a silly sitcom.
waspuppet
I only found out yesterday that he said, or wrote, that when he fell off the wagon, all the stuff he learned in his recovery was still there, that it didn’t go away and it didn’t become worthless. That’s something more people in recovery would benefit from knowing.
brendancalling
Im part of the “failed sobriety” club. Matt was a good guy.
laura
I will do that for you even if I can’t always do it for myself.
Empathy sure seems in short supply of late, but it’s so very necessary because it is valuable and reflective of values. He appears to have been a good brother’s keeper in spite of (or maybe because of) his own personal struggle.
Scout211
This one is a nice tribute to his helping others.
Let Matthew Perry’s legacy be those he helped with addiction
. . .
Leto
@waspuppet: he wrote about how during Friends, you could see when he’d relapsed based on his weight (alcohol), facial hair (pills), and other visual indicators. I’ve only ever known him as an actor, and it wasn’t until yesterday that I learned of the other outreaches he performed/funded. I hope those are remembered as much as the joy his performances brought to us.
Barbara
I read the obit at WaPo, and I was struck by how he was never really able to resolve his inner demons or insecurities or loneliness and that is most likely why he kept returning to substance abuse. He had enough realization to know there was a better path but somehow was never able to take it.
Barbara
@Ohio Mom: The case of Charlie Sheen is instructive. At a certain level of success in show business there are many people who see a benefit to enabling addiction. I hope your friend’s son is able to turn his life around.
raven
I can’t help but reflect on how lucky I am. I’ve been sober for 30 years and have never really had any kind of urge to go back. It makes me wonder about the whole idea of “recovery”. When I started down this path I looked at “Rational Recovery” as an alternative to the “higher power” approach that makes no sense to me. Anyway it’s great that he tried.
raven
@Ohio Mom: Especially since “AA” is, well, anonymous making any kind of research into the efficacy of such an approach impossible.
geg6
I wasn’t a huge fan of Friends, but when I did watch it, he was the only interesting character IMHO. Saw an interview with him during his book tour last year and he seemed such a sincere caring man. I knew of his addiction problems but not the difficult childhood. His dad was a low level celebrity (I believe he sang and acted). I thought he’d had a privileged childhood because of it. I was very wrong. RIP Matthew Perry. You deserve it.
Cameron
I am in awe that he overcame his own addictions when it came time to help others. I’m still fighting the bottle at age 72, and I’ve never done and will never do what he did. Really wonderful, and it’s the world’s loss that he’s gone so soon.
Ruckus
@Ohio Mom:
Addiction is never easy. (I worked as a mental health counselor long ago and addiction was something that had to be left to specific counselors. It’s not easy on either side of the issue.)
I’d bet, from knowing a couple of addicted humans long ago, that it’s never easy and many, many people fall off that wagon far more times than one might imagine. Quite a few climb on it on their own though so it can be done. But if one is really, really off that wagon, it can be the only world one knows and it’s going 300 miles per hour so the concept of climbing on, even if it enters the picture, is or seems impossible. And then there is the physical/mental issue of having to actually accept responsibility for one’s actions, which can be a Mt Everest to climb and far easier to avoid that climb by being an addict. IOW it is easier to fall off/down than to climb up/on. And falling down comes far easier to some. Sometimes/often far, far easier.
We, have made many wagons to fall off of in this world, and many reasons to climb on one. But generally it is easier to fall off because we’ve also made it easy to do that. But not everyone sees those reasons or if they do they build walls that have to be climbed over before the wagon can even be seen or touched, let alone get the concept and need of climbing on. Those walls are desire and reality.
Kathleen
@geg6: His step father was Keith Morrison from Dateline.
raven
Great scene.
First stop drinking – Skin Deep – John Ritter
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
Sounds like a solid guy from that statement. Rest in peace
oldster
“I will do that for you, even if I can’t always do it for myself.”
It’s a very human flaw, to be able to help others even when you cannot help yourself. It’s part of why we need each other, so that others can see what is redeemable in us, even when we cannot.
Ten Bears
As someone who has done a fair amount of research ~ stepped out (more than) a few times ~ well … I didn’t know, which is kinda’ the way it’s supposed to be. I’m not a television fan and my pain upon hearing this is in gaining new-found respect for a fellow traveler I hadn’t not necessarily a lack of respect for just never really gave a lot of thought to.
I did enjoy some of the little bit of Friends I’ve seen …
eclare
Friends came along at the right time in my life, I’m the same age as the actors, and I love it to this day. It is amazing to watch now knowing how addicted Matthew Perry was. He had the best lines and delivered them perfectly.
It’s tragic, it seems like in the past couple of years he had finally conquered his demons. RIP.
ETA> The rest of the main cast of six have not issued any statements yet. I am sure they are in shock.
sab
@raven: My stepson is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and he found AA very counter-productive. After every meeting let out there was his dealer waiting
ETA I know it works well for many people, but it isn’t the best for everyone.
geg6
@Kathleen:
I did not know that! I wish I could remember his father’s name.
Raven
@sab: In “The Player” Tim Robbin’s has a scene “I’m on my way to my AA meeting.” “Oh…I didn’t know you had a drinking problem” “Ah, well. I haven’t. I don’t. It’s just that’s where all the deals are made these days. Not bars”.
AJ of the Mustard Search and Rescue Team
It helps me to think of it as just one day, versus winning or losing some big battle.
I’m sure he had some beautiful days and I don’t look at his death like a defeat, just a really bad day and heartbreaking loss for him and those who loved him. But if that ever happened to me, which I pray it doesn’t, I wouldn’t want the worst day to erase the moments of connection, joy, giving and receiving love.
I’m sending love to all who suffer and those who are grieving the loss of him.
Brachiator
@geg6:
Some biographical info on Matthew Perry’s father. From the Wiki.
I didn’t realize that he is still living. I think I may remember him from the Old Spice commercial. A journeyman actor, I guess.
eclare
@Brachiator:
He was also on an episode of Friends, playing the father of Rachel’s boyfriend. He and Matthew did not have any scenes together.
Brachiator
I wasn’t a huge fan of “Friends,” but I really enjoyed episodes I would run across. I thought that the cast interacted well together, and that Perry often demonstrated great comic timing. I also enjoyed his work as an attorney on “The West Wing.”
I remember reading about how he and the other cast members cashed in on the show’s success.
When I later read about some of his problems with sobriety, I hoped that his fame and financial success might give him some space to deal with his challenges.
I ran across a video essay from a fan who was really affected by Perry’s passing. This person also felt that he was helped by Perry’s Chandler Bing growing up. The character’s sarcasm, charm and adventures helped him deal with his own issues as an adolescent and young man.
It was a touching tribute.
caphilldcne
I am very troubled by the phrase that he failed recovery/treatment. No. Recovery/treatment failed him. And it is a travesty that a phrase such as that exists. Treatment in the United States is an outgrowth of AA which is itself an outgrowth of a religious movement. It is not scientific and it actually fails to help more people than it actually helps. There are many more ways to handle these issues such as medication assisted therapy and harm reduction philosophies but the US trundles along failing to offer help, frequently criminalizing people and making things worse.
laura
@oldster: you said what I tried to say so clearly and succinctly- a social web that holds us together, and when we suffer a loss, we knit the web back together to hold us safe and close.
Lyrebird
@caphilldcne: I agree that “failed” totally needs to be replaced. What you say is true of some rehabs but certainly not all,though, and some really good work paving a better way forward comes out o’ one of those institutes out the Red LIne from your nym…
Actually even before they switched to the “let’s treat this as a chronic condition” approach, a lot of the NIH-sponsored approaches to treating alcohol abuse set out specifically to show they’d do way better than AA or RR… It’s been at least 5 years since I last looked, but back then, no one was massively outdoing anyone else.
conflict of interest statement: I know some of the people doing what I consider to be really inspiring and useful work with a different approach, focused on harm reduction among people who are dealing with both homelessness and addiction.
Tehanu
Just very sad about this. I really liked him as an actor and he was so much younger than I am. Feeling especially sad for his parents, it’s horrible to lose a child.
Pink Tie
@caphilldcne: All that you said.
AA is the worst. Bill W was a flaming asshole and the “Big Book” is not just unscientific, but evangelical, dogmatic, sexist horseshit. I was made to watch the biopic of his life during a treatment program several years ago… there is one scene where Bill (played by James Woods) is piss drunk and runs full speed into a tree. We started laughing and were glared at by the counselor.
RIP Matthew Perry… very sad.
StringOnAStick
If you read Michael Pollan’s book How to Change Your Mind, you’ll find out that treating alcoholism (and other issues) with psychiatric use of psychedelics had amazing results in the 1950’s and early 1960’s, and all the existing research was shut down and programs closed down aggressively thanks to idiots like Timothy Leary and the beginning of what later became the war on drugs.
From personal experience I know how effective this treatment is for depression and anxiety. There is rarely a week that goes by where I don’t discover yet another improvement in my life and increase in my happiness thanks to one significant session with a trained professional. I’m sure it could help alcoholism too, because it’s been shown to in the past via rigorous research.
Msb
Wishing everyone here who’s in recovery continued success.
Damn, I hate that damned disease. RIP Matthew Perry.