Sorry I have been awol for the last 48 hours, but my honest to god internal monologue for the past two days has been:
“FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!”
It has become clear that Steve is making the journey cross country, and as I was walking around the house today, Maxwell, who is now my shadow and has been for months as we are now completely bonded, was everywhere I was, and I realized there is no fucking way I can leave this cat here alone for months. So Maxwell is coming, too. I have drugs for Thurston and Maxwell, but Steve is going au naturale.
I was talking to Joelle earlier and she asked what is wrong and I just told her that I am in the traditional pre-trip stage in which my only thoughts are “this is a bad idea I can not afford this I should call it off I do not want to do this what the fuck was I thinking” and she threatened to shower me with positivity, completely unaware how the physics of this work. I have a rare and cultivated form of negativity that can not be countered by positivity- in fact, and we don’t understand the science of this yet, but that kind of positivity makes my negativity worse. It’s weird, but it is true.
So that’s that. Off to Petco tomorrow to find a cheap cat crate. Only ever needed one before because what kind of a lunatic puts two fucking cats in the same car?
Speaking of lunatics, ignore the fucking media. It is never a fucking good thing to be thrown off the ballot because you are a fucking traitor. There’s no fucking upside to that.
Get your damned calendar.
*** Update ***
Proofreading this I notice I use the f word a lot.
misterpuff
John Cole Moving Circus. Now with lions, tigers and Thurston.
John, don’t let them throw you off the train, like in Water For Elephants.
I drove from Chicago to LA with two cats in soft carriers: in the carriers when the top was down, and in my lap when the top was up. They were good kittehs.
E.
I recently traveled cross country with two cats in a dog crate and a divider between them. They did very, very well. Much better than on short trips with just one of them.
pacem appellant
Damned calendar is already wrapped and under the tree!
The normally sane LA Times ran on opt-ed saying the SCOTSCO decision was actually good for Trump. Made today’s front page even. This makes me unhappy. Bad LA Times. Don’t turn into the WaPo or the FTNYT on my watch!
Jackie
I know the traveling with THREE critters sucks, but I’m so glad you’re taking Max! If need be, Max can share his stash with Steve.
pat
Here’s an idea. Joelle comes to you and the cats and the dogs and you all live happily ever after in that nice house that you upgraded.
I often have to take Pablo on a 2-hour trip and the last time I did that I thought he would stoke out…
OK, should not have mentioned that…….
Ivan X
Re F-word frequency: Cursing is one of life’s cheapest pleasures. Why deny yourself that?
Spanky
Granted, it was not cross country, but there were 4 cats in the car.
That is all.
NotMax
Consider investing in some type of air freshener(s) for the vehicle (vehicole?) or even a small rechargeable fan which filters the cabin air through a HEPA filter.
Alison Rose
Okay, I know it’s gonna make the trip even crazier, but I admit, I’m glad you’re taking Maxwell too because I felt a little sad for him being left behind.
You should use the F word more. This ain’t the New York Times
ETA @Ivan X and I are on the same wavelength.
Omnes Omnibus
I am not a cat person, but I was feeling bad for Maxwell being left out of this adventure. Does your CR-V have a sunroof? You are fairly tall so you could maybe drive with your head sticking out of it (like a hatch back in the army) when at least one of the animals inevitably shits as you are driving.
JoyceH
When my mom was alive she’d bring her two cats when she visited me. And I had two cats. And when we’d head up the road to visit Jane, I’d pack the station wagon and drive up there hauling a mom, a dog, and four cats! And this seemed perfectly normal to me at the time. Oh, and Jane had two cats, so there would be six cats in the house.
gadnynj
Classic Cole rant for the holidays. Truly the season of giving!
rikyrah
I am glad that Maxwell is going. You can handle it, Cole 🤗
CCL
Cross country (south to north) five cats. 4 in crates, one chewed her way out and rode shotgun the entire way north. Apparently for some cats, the opposite effect occurs with tranquilizers. Thank the good lawd for pet friendly hotels.
All survived as did we.
NotMax
@NotMax
Oh, and also a jumbo pack of wet wipes to deal with any ejecta from either end of one or more animals.
SpaceUnit
My advice is to take out a 2nd mortgage and use the money to charter a flight.
Also, no one should take my advice.
TeezySkeezy
Cole’s posts keep me going. (cue some of you telling him to stop then, I know). But seriously, I really do, and I love reading almost everyone here, even without reciprocation (or else I’d be reading nothing).
Jay C
Fucking proofreading – how does it work???
billcoop4
Drove back and forth 2 round trips a year from the Adirondacks to Lexington, KY with no issues. Ended up with no crates in car (I did bring them from house to car in one, and had the crate for them to share when I took them into the hotel). Left them loose in the back, with a litter pan, food and a bit of water.
All fine. (Maine Coons).
BC
karen marie
Why are you drugging Thurston and Maxwell? Why not at least wait and see how they do?
I drove from Massachusetts to Arizona with a one-year-old puppy and a nine-year-old cat, the cat in a crate and the dog on the seat next to me (normally, she sits in the back but this trip the back was packed to the ceiling). The cat cried for the first couple of hours but then she quieted down and was fine. She only started yelling again on the fourth day when we drove 14 hours. At hour 12, she got a bit antsy.
Drugging is going to make it difficult to know whether they’re having a reaction to the drug, the motion, or something else. You’ve lost your baseline of their natural state.
Please don’t drug them unless unsafe behavior continues for more than a few hours.
WaterGirl
I think it’s amazing / funny that so many of us were worried about Maxwell but we didn’t speak up about it in the previous threads.
Omnes Omnibus
@karen marie: Perhaps he has traveled with them before.
ETA: Plus he is taking them through Texas. I’ve driven in Texas. Drugs can only help.
Poe Larity
You could livestream this on OnlyFans or whatever and seriously monetize this.
Plus the Blue Blaze Irregulars would be able to save some money. It’s very expensive having all those rotors turning all along I-40 for days on end not knowing where you are.
WaterGirl
@Jay C: All this time, and I had no idea that Cole did any proofreading.
suzanne
Good luck with the cats in the car. I had one cat, Nico (the best cat ever), who I got super-comfy with the car. She road-tripped with me a lot. She liked to sit on the front seat and look out the window and it was fun to see other drivers take notice of her and wave.
OTOH, I remember putting my cat PJ in a carrier and then in the car for an in-town move (approx. 45-minute drive). She absolutely lost her shit and stressed out and I had a horrendous allergy attack, so bad that I had to pull off the freeway because I couldn’t breathe.
I hope your trip is more like the former!
steppy
My brother, your style of negativity is not as rare as you may think, but it is cultivated. Believe me, I know of which you speak.
Just know that if it’s cultivated, it can be decultivated. I’m working on that, and a lot more, right now.
Noskilz
Good luck with the trip!
indycat32
I drove from San Diego to Indianapolis with two cats. One complained constantly, the other said would you him shut up so I can sleep.
hrprogressive
To be fair, “FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!” has been the operative mood of pretty much the last decade if not the entirety of the 2000’s up to this point, so it’s completely valid.
eclare
I’m so glad you’re taking Maxwell! I was feeling sorry for him in that big house with just a daily visit.
RSA
@WaterGirl: Yeah, I was gonna say, “You proofread?” :-
ETA: The time for proofreading is after one’s post/comment has been up long enough for everyone to see it, so that one can experience the greatest possible embarrassment.
Scout211
It’s actually not weird. Some people feel better and more supported if people just acknowledge that things are fucked up and heading south. Positivity just feels like no one really understands how fucked up things are.
So I will go ahead and say what I prefer to hear over positivity.
That just sucks, Cole!
ETA: It sucks but you are going to Tempe.
karen marie
@Omnes Omnibus: I’d have remembered a Cole road trip with the animules.
Drugging a cat esp introduces too many variables. It interferes with everything, including – importantly – their excretory functions. You want them to hold it until the pan can be deployed at the hotel. When they’ve been drugged, they’re unpredictable.
SpaceUnit
I too have driven through Texas.
Makes the awful Kansas City to Denver run feel like a Disney ride.
Lyrebird
But I thought Maxwell was a panther?
Joking; I think you win the internets tonight.
Cole I am so glad you changed your mind! Steve, Maxwell for months without you? Sad sad kitties.
I recommend finding out if there is a top-notch kennel type place in Little Rock or OK City, maybe spend two nights if you all need a NOT DRIVING day, ETA: but it’s been a couple decades since I last did a car trip with a pet, so what do I know.
karen marie
@Lyrebird: I’m always shocked that anyone would kennel an animal except in an emergency. It doesn’t matter how much it costs, they’re all the same. The animal is shoved in a cage in a room with a number of other unhappy animals, surrounded by the smell and sounds of fear.
I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy’s pet.
Almost Retired
As a long-time resident of Los Angeles, I see almost everything as a screenplay opportunity.
Road trip flick – the animals have the personalities you have described but can talk. And curse a lot. And have strong and regularly-expressed opinions.
Escapades ensue, including maybe a scene at The Big Texan in Amarillo. You choke on a piece of steak and Steve simultaneously chokes on a hairball. You both are saved by the Heimlich Maneuver administered by a country music star in a cameo appearance. (Dolly? Garth)?
All the while the pets are conspiring against and manipulating you and Joelle to achieve their various hilarious purposes all the way to Arizona.
Gotta work on the ending. Talking Steve runs for Tempe City Council? Not sure. As long as the ending doesn’t foreclose a sequel.
Burnspbesq
@pacem appellant:
The normally very good Harry Litman is very bad on this topic. His approach is entirely political, with no regard for the fact that the Colorado Supreme Court got the law exactly right.
zhena gogolia
@rikyrah: I have to admit I’m relieved too!
satby
Used to do rescue transports across two states, one time with 21 animals in my van, mostly kittens and puppies and their moms. We had to stop every 2-3 hours for doggie potty breaks, but never, never, never took the cats out of the crates (food, water, and a shoebox of litter were provided). Freaked out cats (and dogs) always escape at the worst times. And that’s a nightmare. That was a transport rule I suggest you stick to. They can come out at hotels and at destinations, or you may find yourself having an extended stay in Bumfuck LA at a most inconvenient time.
WaterGirl
@RSA: Yes, I do that, too.
TaMara
As someone who has travelled alone with THREE Great Danes, I agree, give them some Benadryl. I didn’t even realize how car-sick Scout was getting until she wasn’t getting car sick. It made such a difference for her and the other two just slept the 8 hours, though of course they did wake up for the potty breaks.
They were so LESS stressed than on previous trips. I was sorry I’d been so reluctant (until there were 3 and I did it for our safety).
Also, I’m a complete and total bitch for about three days before traveling, so I get where you’re coming from. Just rage as needed and get through it, once you’re in the car, it’ll all even out.
satby
@karen marie: When they’re drugged it’s usually an anti-anxiety med and they’re drowsy or napping.
I remember John bringing Maxwell home and Maxwell was very vocal about his concerns.
Bupalos
I don’t think taking the guy off the ballot will really help him , and it’s possible there are some normies vulnerable (in a helpful way) to the inherent rhetorical statement. I do think it could potentially open some worm cans wrt the perceived legitimacy of courts or of Biden if he wins. I don’t think anyone should be too sure about it either way.
satby
@karen marie: And many modern boarding kennels are very nice and cost quite a bit to be so. Your information is a bit out of date.
schrodingers_cat
@JohnCole
That would be me. From Me to Md.
schrodingers_cat
@Almost Retired: At the very least a video blog. I can see it going viral!
satby
@schrodingers_cat: 21, I win. Though average transports were usually 10-15 animals.
And I did that for two years on almost every weekend. It’s fun, very rewarding, and occasionally harrowing.
Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)
Two cats? Double the stress shedding. But it’ll be worth it when you’re settled in and you have them with you.
No crazy move stories, but I did do a two-hour drive through the mountains with a very shaggy Iggy the Wonder Schnauzer sitting in the back seat next to what proved to be a very carsick Muppet pup. Right at the most twisty stretch of mountain road, Muppet horked all over the back seat and some of poor Iggy, then wriggled out of her harness and climbed over to the front passenger seat, over the center console, and into my lap, tracking the aforementioned hork everywhere she went.
Good times.
Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)
@karen marie: We have a couple of boarding places near us that are much nicer than that. Roomy enclosures with soft, elevated beds, and lots of outside play/potty time, treats, and attention.
A woman from anywhere (formerly Mohagan)
@suzanne: I learned a while ago that many cats will shed more under stress (like going to the vet), so that could explain your allergy attack. Glad you all lived through it OK
BenInNM
My wife and I did 5 cats when we drove down from Oregon to Albuquerque. We drove straight through for 27 hours, switching off as needed, but had the cats set up in individual carriers with water, blankets, litter, etc. When we got to Albuquerque we figured we’d just dump everything out – except for one cat – she was too much of a Lady to soil her carrier. But I would sometime like to experience the bliss she must have felt when we let her out at the end and she took a piss
SteveinPHX
“Proofreading this I notice I use the f word a lot.”
So?
mrmoshpotato
This is a great phrase!
Sure Lurkalot
@pacem appellant: Great, I just canceled WaPo and subscribed to the LA Times. Though I didn’t see the op-ed why the Colorado SC ruling was good for Trump. The anything that doesn’t kill him makes him stronger take is getting old and is so very lazy.
I’m only in for the 6 month offer so I guess if they go full frontal fascist, I’ll just move on swiftly and quietly.
CaseyL
Oh, John. If you could somehow livestream this on YouTube, and ask for donations, you might get enough money to redo Joelle’s entire house. I would pay good money to watch this road trip in progress.
I used to think it was a better idea to have a larger crate for traveling animals than the one you take them to the vet in, or even fence in the whole rear cargo area and put them there. But I’ve since heard that animals are less anxious in closer quarters – cats particularly, with their well-known preference for “small caves.” Plus less risk of them getting tumbled across the car in a traffic mishap.
I’m with you on the travel angst. I do the same thing, starting at least a week before departure time: Why did I do this, I don’t want to go, I’m going to forget something; my luggage will get lost; I’m going to die, I want to stay home.
It stops as soon as I’m on the plane. If I’m driving, it stops as soon as I’m on the road.
(I also get a less intense version when it’s time to go home, just a plaintive I don’t wanna.)
Lehrjet
As a navy brat, more times than I can count. As an adult Chicago to Pennsylvania with two day old son, a fatigued wife, a bird, and alot misadventures along the route. It’s a funny story now , but at the time, let’s say I understand our blogfather’s anxiety
Marleedog
Best of luck on your trip, John. Not wanting to make things any more frantic, but mentioned in cooment above, you hav a CRV. You do know about the Honda fuel pump recall, right?
mrmoshpotato
@pacem appellant:
Slapdicks or assclowns? 🤔
surfk9
We have a siamese-ragdoll mix that cruises with us when we tow our Airstream around mostly California and Arizona. She does not make a sound unless the road is extraordinarily fucked up. I-40 I’m talking about you. We are planning an east-coast trip this March and debating whether or not to take her.
Pappenheimer
Can confirm cat tranq “bad trip” reaction. Fed cat tranq before placing in storage container. Normally laid back kitty began to stagger in circles, made weird air-raid siren type “all doomed” noise and ran sideways to attack laid back house dog. Dog retreated in alarm and confusion. Cat fell over.
Same trip – dog upset by having to stay in station wagon overnight (Motel would not take dogs.) Chews up steering wheel.
Wallis Lane
Cole’s trip is a very very very long trip.
With two cats in the car
Life’s gonna be so hard
Now everything’s not easy, ’cause of two.
Almost Retired
@Wallis Lane: brilliant! You’re doing the soundtrack for my project at comment 37! See you at the Oscars.
NotMax
100% confident you won’t pull a Romney.
schrodingers_cat
@satby: You win. I did it from ME to MD from MD to NY and NY to MA.
Odie Hugh Manatee
I’m glad to hear that you are taking your kids along with you! We’ve got a couple of road warrior cats here that have made a couple of 3,500 mile trips with only the first day of the first trip being a bit wild (vomit/crap). We had a ‘system’ where on arrival the cats were taken right to the room while the rest of the vehicle innards followed once they had food, water and the litter box set out. The My Place hotel chain is pet friendly and we’ve always enjoyed staying there. Upon leaving the cats were loaded into the vehicle first and then the rest of our gear. We used two cages but we left them open while traveling so they could explore if they wanted to.
We have a great picture of our Scottish Fold, Morty, looking out the back window of the van while heading out of the east exit at Yellowstone.
satby
@schrodingers_cat: Oh man! lots of driving with critters!
brantl
@WaterGirl: I don’t understand that if Cole HAS been proofreading, how he hasn’t known that he says fuck a lot; all of US knew.
sab
@satby: I completely agree. I have seen enough lost animals at rest stops that I would never ever risk my cats loose in the car.
brantl
@Almost Retired: If Dolly does the Heimlich on anybody their shoulders are going to be broken.
Gvg
I had one purebred cat who had been brought up a show cat and she liked car travel. I didn’t really like cat shows but boy was it nice to have a cat I could put in the car and go home anytime when I was in college. Nice quiet traveler, you just had to plan it because no stops in hot Florida afternoons. I knew the picnic areas with shade trees off the interstate and bathrooms on the way home.
Don’t open a window with a loose pet. Not even a little. They can wiggle through if they panic.
frosty
I’m sure @Alison Rose approves LOL
ETA @Alison Rose: I see I was correct!
Joelle
@satby: I hear you loud and clear oh wise one. I have put a moratorium on free range car kitties. Everyone is leashed and on lockdown until AZ. That policy also applies to Cole. In surveying the psychological profiles of each traveler I’ve determined him to be the one most likely to run screaming into the woods during a nighttime rest stop.
NotMax
@Joelle
Bringing along cat, dog and Cole treats?
;)
Alison Rose
@frosty: If my only legacy is that everyone at Balloon Juice knew I had the foulest mouth on the Western seaboard, I will be proud of that.
Ruckus
I worked in a machine shop. Started at 12 yrs old. Quit at 72 yrs old.
Had some other stops along the way, did electronics in the navy, worked in pro sports full time for 10+ yrs, but mostly worked in machine shops. Owned the one my dad started longer than he did. Point is that swearing was and is as much a part of my life as breathing.
The word FUCK is seemingly appropriate far more often than many realize. We enjoy the act, we use the term, we understand the concept of using the word, most of us have fully embraced the usage at least to a minimal amount. I actually rarely trust anyone who says it’s a filthy word that should never be used. That’s how often most people I’ve met in my life use it. Some more than others of course but still if you don’t understand the concept of using this word, I believe that you really must be repressing something rather dark and sinister.
Ruckus
@Jay C:
Fucking proofreading – how does it work???
Who the helllll nos.
MichiganderGail
@Poe Larity: Buckaroo Banzai reference! Squeee!!
a thousand flouncing lurkers (was fidelio)
Cole, it could be three teenagers who aren’t getting along with you OR their siblings.
Ruckus
@TaMara:
3 Great Danes? Had a friend who had 2 once upon a time. 3? Damn that’s something amazing. Now sure you could walk anywhere, anytime and extremely few other humans would bother you in any way or remain close enough to be heard speaking in a normal voice.
Ruckus
@mrmoshpotato:
It helps to remember that the big newspapers are at least run by people of not insignificant income/financial standards, let alone the owners. Of course most of our mainstream media falls into this not insignificant camp.
Ruckus
@Joelle:
The two of you seem to be made for each other. Or is that mad for each other?
I can never keep those 2 straight.
Ruckus
@Alison Rose:
Is this a competitive question?
I’ve had extensive training in the use of swear words. Long ago I knew swear words in 3 foreign languages, just in case they might be needed to keep my medals for competitive swearing…… I couldn’t ask for a beer in any of those languages but I could at least swear about not being able to….
Mai Naem mobile
Make sure you put the trackers on their collars in case one manages to jump out of the car and goes wandering.
a thousand flouncing lurkers (was fidelio)
@Mai Naem mobile: Does that include Cole?
a thousand flouncing lurkers (was fidelio)
@Mai Naem mobile: Does that include Cole?
MollyS
I have a good friend who moved from a very small Norwegian town north of the Arctic Circle to Brighton, England, with her two reindeer-herding dogs and two New York City rescue cats. She drove into Sweden, down to Denmark, through Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, and France, to the Chunnel and England. The animals were real troopers the entire 4.5-day journey; she parked the car and pretty much didn’t move for a week.
Miss Bianca
@MollyS: I have a reindeer-herding dog! At least, that’s what she’s bred for…she went through a spate of car sickness as a puppy but now she’s a trooper.
Poor Watson, on the other hand, is not…
I love (and by “love”, I mean, “Poor John!”) how his road trip has morphed from being just Thurston as animal companion to now include both cats. Best of luck to you, JC!
MollyS
@Miss Bianca: My friend’s dogs came from reindeer-herding parents but weren’t able to do more than herd their cat siblings in the Arctic. The older dog is almost all white with a little brown here and there, not enough to make her visible in the snow/forest so not useful for a herder. The younger one was still a puppy when they all left for England. They now live in the countryside with several cows next door but alas, no herding possibilities there!
Nancy
It seems that I qualify as a true fucking lunatic because I used to travel with cats loose in the car. They’d pace a bit and then settle and all three (3!) of the cats would jockey for lap space.
I was younger then and unimaginative.
Nancy
@RSA:
RE: Proofreading
I don’t proofread comments, emails, texts…….maximum embarrassment among friends.
BruceJ
We moved cross country (coincidentally, to Arizona!) from NY with our two cats in a U-haul hauling all our worldly posessions and towing our car. One spent the entire trip in the litter box under my wife’s seat, and the other the entire trip on the dashboard glaring daggers at us for the horrific torture to which she was being subjected. (which wasn’t the traveling, so much as the harness and leash we put on her.)
Everyone made it in one piece!
Sherparick
That would be us. When living in Germany and visiting my in-laws, the cats came with us routinely for years. But they hated it. I since learned that being in crates may have been part of the problem giving the cats & dogs a place to look out the window really calms/distracts them from the trip. You may want to check this out.
Best Car Window Perch Options for Cats (upgradeyourcat.com)
Big Mango
My wife and adult daughter moved from Dallas to the PNW with 3 cats and 2 dogs in the car…
Lots of meooowing and some hisses but the stereo exists for a reason…
cats in carriers and dogs in harnesses…
Paul in KY
@Omnes Omnibus: You have to have a litter box in car somewhere. Thurston needs to communicate when he needs to dump one.
Paul in KY
I drove from Homestead Florida to Central KY and then back with 2 uncreated cats. They were just laidback felines. RIP Flakey and Yombo.
Pennsylvanian
Did a move to Maine with two cats, a 14 road hour/2 day journey. Had a sizeable cage with food, water and travel litter – not a box, but a tray, like a scratcher with crystals. We covered the cage with their familiar blankets and they slept once we hit the highway. A bonded pair of siblings, so very good luck for us. And pet friendly hotels are more common now. I find the best way to travel with animals is to include them in the conversation, since they are just along for the ride.