NOTE: The following is a rerun of a post I first published on this site 10 YEARS AGO. (Good gourd, I can’t believe it’s been that long! I am now questioning all of my life choices!) This story happened a long time ago not far from where I sit right now. Open thread!
***
I grew up in a small coastal town in Florida. Every year there was an annual holiday parade featuring an honor guard, Future Farmers of America, the school marching band, floats sponsored by local merchants and Santa and his elves on the town fire truck.
One year, my younger sister and I got to be in the parade. We were about five and six at the time, so when we were told that we were actually going to be on a float in the parade instead of mere spectators, it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to us.
Even when our mom told us we would be riding on the Florida Pest Control float (a display sponsored by the exterminator business where our grandfather worked at the time) and costumed as vermin, it didn’t dampen our enthusiasm. At least, not until we saw our costumes, which our mom spent days sewing for us. I was to dress as a rat, and that was okay with me:
However, my sister had to be a cockroach, and she was NOT happy about that, even though our mom had cleverly used fishing line to make the costume’s fake roachy arms move whenever my sister moved her real arms:
And in truth, my sister did have a legitimate complaint, since, in an attempt to get the proportions right, our mom had made a roach costume that tightly restricted the wearer’s movements. Most of my sister’s real legs were encased in the padded felt roach carapace, with just her shins and feet sticking out of a fairly small opening at the bottom:
This design forced her to take baby steps in the costume. After trying it on, she asked why she couldn’t be the rat and I couldn’t be the roach. But mom pointed out that as the eldest, I was the tallest, and it wouldn’t be logical for a roach to be taller than a rat, not even in Florida.
When the evening of the parade finally arrived, we went down to the beginning of the route to meet up with the Florida Pest Control float crew. The float was a livestock trailer attached to a pest control truck. Someone had fashioned giant ants out of red Styrofoam balls and pipe-cleaners and wired them randomly over the float’s exterior.
On the float, there was a bin filled with candy as well as a box of flyswatters emblazoned with the Florida Pest Control logo. We were to throw handfuls of candy to parade goers (I guess it never occurred to anyone that people might be reluctant to accept candy from vermin). We were also instructed to “gently toss” flyswatters into the crowd. My sister was still seething about the roach costume as our father hoisted us onto the float.
A more empathetic sibling might have offered comfort, but I threatened to beat the shit out of my sister if she didn’t stop whining. Thus, we both began the parade in a foul mood, expressing our ire by hurling candy with great force at other children and attempting to hit as many people in the face with the flyswatters as we could:
You could say the crowd wasn’t on our side. But then the Florida Pest Control float came to an abrupt halt, possibly to avoid bumping into the float in front of it. Since I had unrestricted use of my legs, I was able to maintain my balance. But my sister’s costume tripped her when the truck lurched, and she fell against the railing of the float, clinging to it and wailing piteously.
At that moment, I happened to have a flyswatter raised high over my head, intent on hurling it full-force at my Sunday school teacher, whom I’d spotted in the crowd. But then I noticed my roach-sister splayed on the railing in front of me, emitting annoying howls. I began swatting her padded carapace, which didn’t actually hurt her, but was still fun. The crowd went wild:
The end.
Miss Bianca
OMG, I remember this story from Back in Tha Day, and it’s still just as funny and the illustrations are still just as freaking awesome.
LOL here at work, thank you, Betty!!
Ruckus
Hey! I remember that great post.
Glad you’ve been here all this time. You help make this a great site.
Scout211
Thank you Betty, for the retelling of the story of the Sacred Pestivus. A truly inspired masterpiece. I hope it is included in your memoirs.
I had a laugh this week with my sister. The same sort of sister-on-sister
violenceextremely poor sibling behavior happened most years when my father tried to set up the “perfect family Christmas photo” for the family Christmas cards. He was always stressed, we were always fighting and my mother was always running into the kitchen to have a smoke. Good times.I had to remind my sister what happened every year when she asked me why it looked like our older sister was always crying in the Christmas photos (the outtakes, not the “perfect” one). I had to remind her of the Christmas photo day of infamy that occurred every single year. She then remembered (I think she had blocked it out in an attempt to escape the madness) and then we spent another few minutes on the phone laughing our asses off.
The End
Brachiator
A float like this would not be out of place in the Pasadena Doo Dah Parade.
Swatting your sister certainly seemed appropriate to the spirit of things. But still…
Crazy shenanigans!
Elizabelle
A classic.
Ken
Nice (?) to know that we’re more dispiriting than the occasional boatload of armed men cruising past your dock at night.
Betty
A great story. Nice to read it again. It’s funny though how differently the word vermin struck me this time.
NotMax
Remember the original very well.
Switching topical gears —
Have kids? Something to watch for in ’24 — IF. (Not to be confused with the quite different If…. from 1968.)
craigie
Grade A graphics for a very funny story.
eclare
I love this story! Thank you Ms. Cracker!
SiubhanDuinne
I love this story very, very hard. Thank you for sharing it again, BC. It really is a classic.
I think, in the context of the sentence, the best four words are:
NotMax
Gets the archy and mehitabel stamp of approval.
:)
NotMax
@SiubhanDuinne
Rats will not dive bomb you the way Florida’s palmetto bugs can be prone to do.
;)
rikyrah
Thank you, BC :)
zhena gogolia
Great story! Vaguely reminds me of Scout in her ham costume at the end of To Kill a Mockingbird.
SiubhanDuinne
@NotMax:
Oh, I well remember, having lived there for
thesixlongestyearsof my life.Betty Cracker
@Betty: Yep, the word “vermin” lands differently today. When I wrote this a decade ago, I couldn’t have imagined a future ex-POTUS using that word to describe fellow Americans in a quest for another term. Such innocent times!
TriassicSands
And in news that is no surpirise, the SCOTUS has refused to fast track the determination concerning Smith’s request to fast track the decision about Trump’s immunity.
WaterGirl
I loved this post then, and I love it now. I cannot believe it has been 10 years!
HumboldtBlue
OK, Betty, but now you have to do the story of tricking your daughter with the video game!
Also, I found a manager for this site, a guy who can keep things running smoothly and make sure the front pagers are following the rules.
He’s a raccoon, but he’s good at what he does!
Odie Hugh Manatee
Ahh yes, the classics are a good thing to enjoy around the holidays (take that, Christmas!). Come to think of it, you’re a classic, Betty.
Classic what, I have no idea but if it has “class” in it then it’s you! :)
Matt McIrvin
This whole story really needs to be read with “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” playing, in classic Ren & Stimpy form.
TF79
Oh that is hilarious, thanks for sharing.
Juliet
I love this story and the pictures and I’m so glad you write here.
BigJimSlade
Ahhh… quality time with family 💕
HumboldtBlue
@Matt McIrvin:
I suggest the Mannheim Steamroller arrangement.
Ken
@HumboldtBlue: I prefer the Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s version.
(Two orchestral rock groups whose main product is Christmas music. Is there no end to the bounties of the capitalist system?)
hitchhiker
The inclusion of your Sunday school teacher as a target is one of the details I remember most fondly. Thank you!
FelonyGovt
Best story EVER, Betty, and great illustrations! Reminds me of the dynamic between my own sister and myself, one that continues to this very day
Miss Bianca
@hitchhiker: I’d forgotten that bit, but that was one of the details that was a LOL this time round!
RandomMonster
I miss your drawings, BC.
anitamargarita
Thank you for the laugh, BC, I remember this from the original, will share with my older sister. I am sure she will appreciate it. I think NPR should drop David Sedaris’ bit and use this instead.
BretH
Read out loud to our family on a drive to NC. Captive audience, maybe, but we all laughed out loud!
Miss Bianca
@BretH: Just shared with Pal D, and got the LOL response from him as well. Ah…the joys of Pestivus!