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Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Trump makes a mockery of the legal system and cowardly judges just sit back and let him.

Balloon Juice, where there is always someone who will say you’re doing it wrong.

Innocent people don’t delay justice.

It’s a new day. Light all those Biden polls of young people on fire and throw away the ashes.

Maybe you would prefer that we take Joelle’s side in ALL CAPS?

Republican also-rans: four mules fighting over a turnip.

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

Please don’t feed the bears.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you don’t.

The new republican ‘Pastor’ of the House is an odious authoritarian little creep.

Peak wingnut was a lie.

I’m pretty sure there’s only one Jack Smith.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

This year has been the longest three days of putin’s life.

In short, I come down firmly on all sides of the issue.

“But what about the lurkers?”

Let there be snark.

Their boy Ron is an empty plastic cup that will never know pudding.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

Bogus polls are all they’ve got left. Let’s bury these fuckers at the polls a year from now.

I’m more Christian than these people and I’m an atheist.

The revolution will be supervised.

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You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / One Day at a Time

One Day at a Time

by John Cole|  March 25, 20246:25 pm| 157 Comments

This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"

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I don’t want to cause problems for someone else, so I have decided to put this discussion of my mental status below the fold. If you’re sick of reading about it or worry it may impact you negatively, just scroll on by. I assure you that I am more sick of living it than you are reading about it, but this is a full service blog.

At any rate, woke up this morning, sun was coming through the curtains, and I told myself that I was going to confront the day and it was going to be a good one. This lasted about thirty seconds after I got out of bed and both cats started screaming for breakfast, I looked and saw my dismantled computer that I had to take to the shop for repair, and the spiral began.

Before I left for Arizona I had scheduled a blood draw for this morning so that I could go into my spring checkup with the doctor armed with all the necessary data, so I went and did that. It was awful and bright and the place was full of physically unwell people. Got out of there alive, went and dropped off the computer, and then headed to Kroger.

My parents came back today so I was going to pick them up some stuff, and I went into the store, got a cart, and not sure if you know this, but one of the side effects of anxiety for people is a histamine effect, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom, came out, and my cart was gone. I looked for it, could not find it, couldn’t figure out if I was losing my mind, and the cognitive load of simply getting another cart was too much so instead I went out to the car and pulled into a spot in the shade behind the store and cried.

After I had my shit together I called the doctor and said I need to come in today, so they scheduled me at 3 pm. Got in, and all my bloodwork from 8 am was already done, and wouldn’t you know it, it was great. Like cholesterol and triglyceride levels that were not just good for my age but straight up good. Was officially down 22 lbs according to their scales, and it appears my body is fine and my head is just shit.

I talked with her for a while and she said she wanted to do an EKG just to rule that out for my piece of mind, we did it, and it was normal. Basically, we agreed that for now the diagnosis is I am nuts and having a major anxiety episode. Just talking to her and getting the bloodwork results lowered my blood pressure (she tested it when I got there and it was through the roof) and it was normal by the time I left.

I apparently have another sinus infection on top of everything else, so she told me to get some flonase and mucinex, and then put me on two short term anxiety meds- atarax and buspar. She was very kind and patient with me, and sent me on my way.

I have no experience with the meds- I had been prescribed atarax before but never took it because it was a “just in case” thing, but I dutifully took both WITHOUT GOOGLING either, and I feel a lot better right now. I don’t think I should operate anything more dangerous than a keyboard, but for the first time in a week I do not feel completely insane and spiraling.

So that is where we are now- 24 hours later, not great, but better. I’ll fucking take that. I even wrote this post in one sitting. Thanks for listening.

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    157Comments

    1. 1.

      Baud

      March 25, 2024 at 6:28 pm

      Better is good.

      Reply
    2. 2.

      AM in NC

      March 25, 2024 at 6:33 pm

      What Baud said.

      Reply
    3. 3.

      SW

      March 25, 2024 at 6:34 pm

      Hang in there buddy.  The physical stuff is great news.  Our mental state is an electro chemical phenomenon.  There is really no such thing as normal. It is a broad spectrum.  We just need to achieve comfortable.  You are on your way.

      Reply
    4. 4.

      CaseyL

      March 25, 2024 at 6:34 pm

      Better is fantastic.

      Reply
    5. 5.

      frosty

      March 25, 2024 at 6:34 pm

      Thirding what Baud said. Fantastic news on the blood work and congratulations on losing the 22 lbs.

      Reply
    6. 6.

      stinger

      March 25, 2024 at 6:35 pm

      Better is good. In fact, better is great!

      ETA: And Baud beat me to it.

      Reply
    7. 7.

      Baud

      March 25, 2024 at 6:35 pm

      @stinger:

      No need to one up me.

      Reply
    8. 8.

      Ken Adler

      March 25, 2024 at 6:36 pm

      Longtime lurker here.  Always thinking of you.

      Reply
    9. 9.

      Adam Lang

      March 25, 2024 at 6:36 pm

      Oh god have I been there. Never as bad as you have it, since I tried getting off with a super slow taper, so when I hit a level that wasn’t tolerable it still wasn’t too terrible and I could just tweak it back upwards. Can’t easily imagine what it would have been like to try going cold turkey.

      You’ll feel better. I hope it’s soon.

      Reply
    10. 10.

      Manyakitty

      March 25, 2024 at 6:36 pm

      What Baud said.

      Also, too, hope your parents are home and safe!

      Reply
    11. 11.

      karen marie

      March 25, 2024 at 6:36 pm

      Anti-anxiety medications are THE BEST.  I’ve never taken either of the ones mentioned, only alprazolam, but that shit is WONDERFUL.  Unfortunately, I’ve had problems getting a regular prescription.  If you ask for it, it’s “seeking” behavior, but if you don’t ask for it, you don’t get it.  Motherfuckers.

      Reply
    12. 12.

      Damien

      March 25, 2024 at 6:37 pm

      I think I speak for regulars and lurkers when I say we love and care about you, John.  I’ve been lurking here on and off since before Obama 08, and your openness with your struggles and victories in all manner of your life is what keeps bringing me back; I’m glad that you aren’t spiraling anymore, I’m glad you were strong enough to reach out in your time of need, and I’m glad that you were heard.

      Thank you, John.

      Reply
    13. 13.

      sab

      March 25, 2024 at 6:38 pm

      I have spent years listless and often non-functional with simple tasks.

      I thought depression was deeply sad. I did not have a clue that my listless non-functioning might be depression.

      Mentionned last night’s comment section to my husband and he agreed on the depression but was surprised that I had never mentionned it to him. Communicationis useful. All of us should do it more often.

      Reply
    14. 14.

      lowtechcyclist

      March 25, 2024 at 6:38 pm

      Good on you for just hanging in there and getting through the day, John. I know it couldn’t have been easy to deal with all that shit. And I’m glad you got some anxiety meds. And congrats on losing weight and generally getting healthier while you were in AZ, losing weight ain’t easy.

      Reply
    15. 15.

      Lyrebird

      March 25, 2024 at 6:39 pm

      Better is AWESOME!!!

      From a reader who can’t take mucinex %-) but doesn’t assume you have the same body anyhow!

      Reply
    16. 16.

      Dangerman

      March 25, 2024 at 6:42 pm

      I have a couple books at home; one for diet for depression and anxiety and one for PTSD. Not diagnosing you! Just good books to read on simple things to do to “get well”. I’ll look them up later. Also, there is a Youtube Hypnotherapist that is outstanding. Michael Sealy, IIRC. Really fine videos. FWIW, I’m very hypnotic (or whatever the word should be).

      Also, consider even more alternative treatments. For example, I’ve done isolation chambers. Or floats if you prefer. I think everyone has a different experience so I don’t talk about what happens to me from a float. Same with tripping out to binaural beats.

      The brain is a funny thing.

      Hang in there, Dude.

      Reply
    17. 17.

      MomSense

      March 25, 2024 at 6:42 pm

      Sending my best to you, Cole.  Going through it with one of my sons and it’s so tough.  I’m really glad you are sharing with us.

      Reply
    18. 18.

      TaMara

      March 25, 2024 at 6:43 pm

      [[[hugs]]]

      Reply
    19. 19.

      Ryan

      March 25, 2024 at 6:43 pm

      Hang in there, man.

      Reply
    20. 20.

      BretH

      March 25, 2024 at 6:44 pm

      Glad to hear. Not a daily poster but a long time reader who can’t overstate the value this site and community brings, starting and ending with your posts, John. Thanks and hope things look up sooner than later, but either way, here for the duration.

      Reply
    21. 21.

      TaMara

      March 25, 2024 at 6:45 pm

      @Dangerman: Yes on binural beats. Surprisingly helpful.

      There are enough of us in CO and OR if you wanted to do a psilocybin therapy, that’s an option.

      Reply
    22. 22.

      Barry

      March 25, 2024 at 6:47 pm

      Keep on trucking, John.

       

      Try the tie-died overalls again :)

      Reply
    23. 23.

      Omnes Omnibus

      March 25, 2024 at 6:49 pm

      Better is good. You can work with better.

      Reply
    24. 24.

      MazeDancer

      March 25, 2024 at 6:51 pm

      Sounds like you did a lot today. Good for you.

      And how wonderful the new meds did something positive right off the bat.

      Reply
    25. 25.

      sab

      March 25, 2024 at 6:51 pm

      @MomSense: We went through it with a stepson, so I think I kept quiet about me because he was in so much pain and we were so afraid and I was just feeling listtless and pointless but nothing urgent. But every morning why even get up?

      Reply
    26. 26.

      geg6

      March 25, 2024 at 6:51 pm

      Good on you, John, both for the good news on your general health and on seeking help, getting it and following through.  Glad you’re doing better and here’s hoping that keeps happening and that you’re back in a good place soon.  I bet Joelle has been worried sick and I hope she can relax a bit now, too.

      Reply
    27. 27.

      hrprogressive

      March 25, 2024 at 6:52 pm

      Better is positive. Here’s to more “better” soon.

      Reply
    28. 28.

      grumbles

      March 25, 2024 at 6:53 pm

      Glad today was better.

      And seriously fuck a bunch of sinuses. Where can I get mine removed?

      Reply
    29. 29.

      MomSense

      March 25, 2024 at 6:53 pm

      @sab:

      We all care about you!  Please take care of you.

      Reply
    30. 30.

      eclare

      March 25, 2024 at 6:54 pm

      So glad to read that you reached out and got help.  As Baud wrote, better is good.

      I have had a couple of panic attacks in my life, and that gives me a small insight into what you are experiencing.  They were terrifying.  You, and everyone else dealing with mental health issues, have my best wishes for better tomorrows.

      Reply
    31. 31.

      Juju

      March 25, 2024 at 6:57 pm

      I’m happy you’re feeling better. I hope you get through this sooner than you think.

      Reply
    32. 32.

      Tony Jay

      March 25, 2024 at 6:58 pm

      Yup. Better breeds better. Little bricks of better building on each other until you’re up above the smog and can breathe again.

      It’ll happen, dude. You’re doing the work, that’s always Step 1 to Eleventy.

      Reply
    33. 33.

      sab

      March 25, 2024 at 6:58 pm

      @MomSense: When we get Dad moved safely to a better nursing home this week I will worry more about me. Glad I finally let my husband know about my issues. Not surprised he knew but was afraid to discuss. Communication is often helpful.

      Week started normal, turned traumatic then wound up hopeful. I am too old for this but Dad is 99+ for this also.

      Reply
    34. 34.

      Leto

      March 25, 2024 at 7:00 pm

      Glad today was better. Everyone here is doing nothing but sending posi thoughts your way. One day at a time :)

      Reply
    35. 35.

      geg6

      March 25, 2024 at 7:00 pm

      @geg6:

      That should say Joelle, not Joe. Damn autocorrect.

      Reply
    36. 36.

      raven

      March 25, 2024 at 7:02 pm

      Hang tough Dawg.

      Reply
    37. 37.

      PaulWartenberg

      March 25, 2024 at 7:03 pm

      Better is good. taking care of the sinuses is good. Taking care of the anxiety is good.

      I need to look into anxiety medications myself. My counselor wants my primary care physician’s input this week.

      Reply
    38. 38.

      Pink Tie

      March 25, 2024 at 7:03 pm

      Anxiety sufferer here too… the bodily aspects can be as upsetting and uncomfortable as anything going on in your mind. I’m hoping you, and anyone here struggling with similar, will continue to feel even better.

      Reply
    39. 39.

      Chacal Charles Calthrop

      March 25, 2024 at 7:04 pm

      @TaMara: Now that’s where the BJ hermitage should be….

      Feel better.  Tell the cats it was their fault for screaming for breakfast.

      Reply
    40. 40.

      ColoradoGuy

      March 25, 2024 at 7:04 pm

      Better living through chemistry. Until we have an electronic gizmo where you turn a few knobs and control brain physiology, chemistry is the best we have. PTSD really does a number on brain physiology, so chemistry, binaural beats, EMDR, and a few other interventions are all we have. Might as well take advantage of it.

      You might minimize the number of daily tasks so you don’t get task-saturated (the #1 danger for pilots). Settle on no more than two tasks a day, knowing more will come out of nowhere.

      Reply
    41. 41.

      Citizen Scientist

      March 25, 2024 at 7:06 pm

      Hang in there JC.  Glad you’re able to keep your head up mostly.  And thank you for sharing; your tales help me realize that I am not alone.

      Reply
    42. 42.

      Sister Golden Bear

      March 25, 2024 at 7:06 pm

      I’ve been there myself, including right now. Glad you hung in there. Better is definitely good. Hugs, if hugs are OK.

      Reply
    43. 43.

      Raoul Paste

      March 25, 2024 at 7:06 pm

      So you took care of business in a responsible way, even though you didn’t feel like it.   Any shrink would give you an A+.  Buddy, you have skills

      Reply
    44. 44.

      MomSense

      March 25, 2024 at 7:08 pm

      @Sister Golden Bear:

      Hugs, SGB

      Reply
    45. 45.

      MobiusKlein

      March 25, 2024 at 7:10 pm

      My wife’s experience with anxiety / depression track – that sometimes she needs the pharmaceutical help to break the anxiety cycle.  Also cut out the coffee while you have those kinds of issues.

      Sincerely,
      Not Your Doctor.

      Reply
    46. 46.

      Miss Bianca

      March 25, 2024 at 7:14 pm

      John, so sorry you are going through this, but I can totally relate. Have been a terrible depressive for much of my life myself. Just keep on talking to us, and hope that the sun starts shining soon!

      Glad you are able to do your self-care, too.

      Reply
    47. 47.

      SteveinPHX

      March 25, 2024 at 7:17 pm

      Sounds like progress Bud! It won’t be rockit-like fast, but it will happen.
      “Time heals all wounds.” (So old, it was probably first uttered in a Cro-Magnon cave, but has some truth)

      Reply
    48. 48.

      eclare

      March 25, 2024 at 7:19 pm

      @sab:

      Oh gosh, good luck to you and your Dad for the move.

      Reply
    49. 49.

      MagdaInBlack

      March 25, 2024 at 7:20 pm

      John, I have lost track of the number of times in the past I had to walk out of a business because I simply could not deal and the feeling of “I have to get out of here right now” overwhelmed me.

      I am glad you went to your Dr and I am glad you can say you are feeling a wee bit better

      Reply
    50. 50.

      Ida Slapter

      March 25, 2024 at 7:20 pm

      Better living through chemistry, Cole.

      Some of us just need that, myself included. So glad things are working for you. Keep moving forward.

      You’re in my thoughts every day.

      Reply
    51. 51.

      Barbara

      March 25, 2024 at 7:21 pm

      Good luck John.  My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression and it can take patience to get the right approach.

      Reply
    52. 52.

      Anne Laurie

      March 25, 2024 at 7:21 pm

      Better is great, and so is finding the strength to go to your doctor.

      Didn’t want to overstep, but I did kinda wonder if returning to West Virginia’s burgeoning early pollen season might’ve been a factor in your latest onset — if your body interprets a sudden rise in histamine levels as OMG TIME TO BE ANXIOUS!!! I’ve known people who start taking allergy meds ‘pre-season’, or just stay on them year-round, because apparently yes anxiety disorder can be triggered by ‘ordinary’ allergens in those who are subject to both. (To repeat: Sometimes it sucks that we’re made of meat jelly… )

      Reply
    53. 53.

      eclare

      March 25, 2024 at 7:22 pm

      @Sister Golden Bear:

      Hugs back to you.

      Reply
    54. 54.

      Ohio Mom

      March 25, 2024 at 7:22 pm

      What a good doctor!

      It was very smart of you Cole to insist on seeing her. You’re taking good care of yourself, which is no small thing.

      And hooray for psychotropic meds.

      Reply
    55. 55.

      Ruckus

      March 25, 2024 at 7:24 pm

      @Baud:

      Yes it is good but good is good and better is better.

      OK, now that I got that out of my system, yes, better is better. And one can be good without it being better, and one can be better without it being good.

      Reply
    56. 56.

      catbirdman

      March 25, 2024 at 7:25 pm

      This is fantastic news — I know it’s baby steps, but you’re prioritizing things like getting the blood drawn and running the tests. I’m so glad the results are encouraging, and that you’re feeling a bit better on the meds. One breath, one step, one doctor’s appointment at a time. Keep the faith!

      Reply
    57. 57.

      Dorothy A. Winsor

      March 25, 2024 at 7:27 pm

      You did good today, John. You’re sick, and you handled it well.

      Reply
    58. 58.

      Old School

      March 25, 2024 at 7:30 pm

      Better is stupendous.

      May tomorrow be even better.

      Reply
    59. 59.

      Another Scott

      March 25, 2024 at 7:31 pm

      Indeed, one day at a time.

      I’m glad things are getting better. Better is all we can reasonably hope for – incremental progress. Keep pushing the boulder up the hill.

      Best wishes,
      Scott.

      Reply
    60. 60.

      Dangerman

      March 25, 2024 at 7:32 pm

      @TaMara: I would definitely try psilocybin. Not Ketamine. I think that fucked up Elon Musk. Course, he was already out there.

      Same with a wonder drug for sleep (blanking on the name right now) that I think fucked up Tiger Woods when he went off the rails a few years back. Fatherhood seems to have brought him back.

      I would love to try (and I am going to screw up the name) ayahuasca but I don’t really want to fly ti Costa Rica.

      The wonders of neuroplasticity, etc.

      Reply
    61. 61.

      karen marie

      March 25, 2024 at 7:34 pm

      @TaMara:   I laugh when people talk about taking psilocybin for mental health.  The last time I ate mushrooms was somewhere around 1983.  I’d done LSD, mushrooms and Ecstasy before but that day being that high was just boring!  It was murder wishing I could make it stop, knowing that I had to wait it out.  I can picture where I waited – a bench in the Boston Public Garden, between Arlington and Beacon Streets.  It was a lovely sunny day but, fergawdsakes, it took forever to come down.

      Reply
    62. 62.

      Kristine

      March 25, 2024 at 7:37 pm

      Glad you got in to see your doctor, Cole, and that she gave you meds that appear to have helped.

      Congrats on good bloodwork. That really is a BFD for anyone.

      Reply
    63. 63.

      NotMax

      March 25, 2024 at 7:40 pm

      Treat yourself to a special present?
      ;)

      Reply
    64. 64.

      eclare

      March 25, 2024 at 7:44 pm

      @NotMax:

      That mug is perfect.

      Reply
    65. 65.

      Quadrillipede

      March 25, 2024 at 7:46 pm

      I’m less of a medical professional, more an enthusiastic amateur, but taking a low/sub-psychedelic amount of psilocybin mushroom material from time to time helps me get into a more empathic and less drastically overanalytical state of mind. But we are all different, and what works for you may not work for me.

      Reply
    66. 66.

      eclare

      March 25, 2024 at 7:46 pm

      @Dangerman:

      Ketamine also led to Matthew Perry’s death.  From what I’ve read he had enough in his system that surgery could have been performed.

      Reply
    67. 67.

      zhena gogolia

      March 25, 2024 at 7:53 pm

      @geg6: I thought you knew her super-secret nickname!

      Good for you, John, this sounds good.

      Reply
    68. 68.

      Dangerman

      March 25, 2024 at 7:55 pm

      One more suggestion. Find something you find miraculous and study the shit out of it. I don’t mean Miraculous in a Spiritual sense but, hey, whatever works for you.

      Miracle on the Hudson is a good one . NFW that should have played out the way it did. But it did.

      My personal favorite is one that came from my neighborhood. Just south of Buellton. It’s known as the Three Bridges accident locally. Shit, Navy SeaBee’s got involved. There was a wonderful Dateline or whatever episode on it. The NBC one. Don’t recall her name. Recall her being from San Juan Capistrano. Kelly something. No way she and her daughters should have lived. No way. But they did.

      Brain is funny. LIFE is funny. Seeing things that don’t make sense somehow makes it all make sense. Can’t explain it. It is what it is.

      Reply
    69. 69.

      zhena gogolia

      March 25, 2024 at 7:55 pm

      @Anne Laurie: Interesting. The pollen is already bad this year.

      Reply
    70. 70.

      Anathema Device

      March 25, 2024 at 8:04 pm

      John, I went through a horrendous mental break two years ago after stopping my anti-depression meds, and lost almost a year to utter misery and dysfunction before I got therapry, a new AD and an autism diagnosis which helped me understand a *lot* of things. Life feels a lot brighter now, though there is no substantial change in my circumstances.

      I wish you the very best with the certainty that you *will* be doing better very soon. The new drugs should make a huge difference.

      Warm thoughts to you and your tribe from a stranger overseas

      Reply
    71. 71.

      Ruckus

      March 25, 2024 at 8:07 pm

      Decades ago I was a volunteer mental health counselor. Both phone and in person. I have stories. We went to counseling regularly ourselves because it is easy to fall into places that aren’t all that much fun to be in and we had to learn to stay out of that and help others get out of whatever. And some people we were in no way capable of helping, they required far more training/effort than we could give them.

      Getting better, staying better takes effort and direction – a road map if you will. IOW help. One of the reasons we get to the needing help point is life/humanity. Any of us may need help at one point or another. But it is better today in that we have more/better meds to help many of the causes of needing the help in the first place.

      Hang in there John, follow your doc’s directions, take the meds, find help if you need it – it can and does actually help. Meds can and do help a lot and then we forget about the meds or run out and we regress. Some actually want to fight the meds because they don’t recognize better, they’ve never really seen better from their personal perspective.

      Reply
    72. 72.

      Ruckus

      March 25, 2024 at 8:12 pm

      @NotMax:

      Nice!

      @eclare:

      Yes it is!

      Reply
    73. 73.

      Janus Daniels

      March 25, 2024 at 8:28 pm

      Hanging in there is usually more than half the battle. Having trained and able people who care about you is usually more than the other half. Cautious optimism seems reasonable.
      FWIW, meditation helps many, including me. If you like, feel free to ask.

      Reply
    74. 74.

      WaterGirl

      March 25, 2024 at 8:33 pm

      @geg6: All better.

      Reply
    75. 75.

      Jackie

      March 25, 2024 at 8:37 pm

      It sounds like getting in to see your doctor today was the best thing you did for yourself! Labs good! BP good! Weight loss GREAT! Sinus infection caught early good! Getting to vent great! New antidepressants YAY!

      Hoping the sinus meds plus antidepressants help you feel a whole lot better SOONEST! Hugs.

      Reply
    76. 76.

      itstrue

      March 25, 2024 at 8:38 pm

      Dude, I don’t know anything about you other than what you put on this blog, but I like you, and it sounds like you are in love, maybe for the first time. I know, you married her and all that, and you obviously like one another, but I think you’re having an especially hard time being apart. Compound that with going back to the grey east (I live there too), and reality, whatever that really looks like for you, and there you are. I know you have good reasons to go back to WVA. And none of this is to belittle the feelings, or the chemistry– my medicine cabinet speaks for itself. But I really think you have something good here, and I hope you make it part of your life permanently. If I’m right (who knows?) at least you have a clear external cause that isn’t something terrible. I wish you the best.

      Reply
    77. 77.

      JerseyBeard

      March 25, 2024 at 8:46 pm

      Very long time lurker. I’ve been there man.

      Be kind and patient with yourself. As kind and patient as you can be. 

      Reply
    78. 78.

      FelonyGovt

      March 25, 2024 at 8:47 pm

      Better is good, John. Hugs. And you may never know how much good you’re doing here and in the world by sharing.

      @Sister Golden Bear:  Hugs to you as well.

      Reply
    79. 79.

      Tony G

      March 25, 2024 at 8:50 pm

      Best wishes to you.

      Reply
    80. 80.

      citizen dave

      March 25, 2024 at 8:59 pm

      ♥            all the best, Blogfather.  And everyone else.  Such great posts from those who can share.      ♥

      Reply
    81. 81.

      cain

      March 25, 2024 at 9:05 pm

      Glad to hear that your physical self is doing straight up awesome. Glad the meds are working out to you and you can actually function. Let’s hope for better days in the days ahead.

      Reply
    82. 82.

      JaneE

      March 25, 2024 at 9:19 pm

      Your issues probably make mine trivial by comparison, but every once in awhile I have periods of time when it seems like everyday is a new crisis before the other ones can even get half settled. And the physically having great readings while feeling utterly crappy is something I do all the time.

      All attitude is so much better than mine. It is really really amazing. We all are. Hoping you feel better soon. No one deserves it more than you do.

      Reply
    83. 83.

      NotMax

      March 25, 2024 at 9:25 pm

      @Anne Laurie

      we’re made of meat jelly

      Calls to mind the Terry Bisson short short story “They’re Made Out of Meat“.
      ;)

      Reply
    84. 84.

      Ms. Deranged in AZ

      March 25, 2024 at 9:32 pm

      So good news and I’m happy to hear it.  I too have a sinus infection due to the early spring weather and the pollution.  For some reason since I have lived in AZ my sinuses have been a complete cluster.  John, you may want to stock up on antihistamines and decongestants for the months you are in AZ in future.

      Reply
    85. 85.

      schrodingers_cat

      March 25, 2024 at 9:46 pm

      I am glad you are feeling better! These swings in the weather are no fun either.

      Reply
    86. 86.

      trollhattan

      March 25, 2024 at 9:54 pm

      In tandem with starting allergy shots after decades since my kid era, I now do a nightly saline rinse that has really helped me sleep. We’re revving up pollen season, which is approximately 13 months/year, overlain with winter mildew season for variety. So I never stop the regime.
      Hey, Hollywood sound effects folks, you have it all wrong. I watched a small Mazda SUV roll over 2X this evening while cycling, and I’m here to proclaim it sounds NOTHING like pinging metal and smashing glass used for film. It sounds like your big, wheeled, square, plastic rubbish bin—20X larger—rolling over and over as if in a gale. Mesmerizing, watching the windows blow out and the phalanx of airbags deploy, and then the WTF just happened? thoughts creep in.
      No fatalities, not even much blood, but will leave it to the EMTs to determine shock and such. As bonus, at rush hour the t-bone-ing car was stuck on a pair of light rail tracks, so effed commute. Didn’t see them collide but safe guess is the Mazda drove over the “YIELD” painted on the street, entered the intersection, and then the surprisingly small Toyota sent it flying on an unexpected journey north, having the right of way and all.
      That’s a lot of days, ruined.​

      Reply
    87. 87.

      Manyakitty

      March 25, 2024 at 9:57 pm

      @trollhattan: wow, that’s a lot.

      Reply
    88. 88.

      sukabi

      March 25, 2024 at 10:00 pm

      Glad you’re being proactive about your health, and really glad you’re better today. You’ve got this John, one day at a time. 🙂

      Reply
    89. 89.

      laura

      March 25, 2024 at 10:04 pm

      I’m not a doctor, though I’ve played one at home. Anyone who has or is suffering from anxiety has my most sincere sympathy and solidarity. I cannot help but keep thinking that the ongoing, under-reported, untreated trauma of the pandemic and prior administration keeps throwing challenges in our individual and collective faces. Try and convince me it’s not a thing, and then throw the election, the wars in Ukraine and Gaza and Sudan in the mix and it’s a wonder and a miracle that getting through the workaday world- and participate in family life and work life- it’s A Lot. so credit to everyone who’s struggling and hugs to those who’s struggles are so overwhelming, and with no guarantee, I fervently wish for better and brighter days ahead.

      Reply
    90. 90.

      Mousebumples

      March 25, 2024 at 10:08 pm

      @Anne Laurie: Didn’t want to overstep, but I did kinda wonder if returning to West Virginia’s burgeoning early pollen season might’ve been a factor in your latest onset — if your body interprets a sudden rise in histamine levels as OMG TIME TO BE ANXIOUS!!! I’ve known people who start taking allergy meds ‘pre-season’, or just stay on them year-round, because apparently yes anxiety disorder can be triggered by ‘ordinary’ allergens in those who are subject to both. (To repeat: Sometimes it sucks that we’re made of meat jelly… )

      Random fun fact that you (or others) may also already know – Atarax (hydroxyzine) is indicated for anxiety AND allergies. (also very similar to Vistraril, if that name rings bells for others)

      Glad to hear the new meds are working well, quickly! Forward progress is good.

      Reply
    91. 91.

      laura

      March 25, 2024 at 10:10 pm

      @trollhattan: jeezus H peezus, that’s nightmare fuel, and I’m already at peak am dread as spouse pedals off every morning in his pursuit of 800 miles in march madness. I dread a ghost bike memorial that is all too possibly real.

      Reply
    92. 92.

      Juliet

      March 25, 2024 at 10:11 pm

      Buspar is one of the meds I take, one in the morning and one at night. Have been on it for years for anxiety and there have been no panic attacks for quite a long time. I’m rooting for you!!

      Reply
    93. 93.

      Quinerly

      March 25, 2024 at 10:27 pm

      @itstrue:

      Said so well.

      💚💙💛

      Reply
    94. 94.

      Narya

      March 25, 2024 at 10:35 pm

      Holy crap—Rachel is ripping Ronna a new one.

      Reply
    95. 95.

      la caterina

      March 25, 2024 at 10:46 pm

      @Juliet: Buspar is definitely the shizzle.  It’s been great for me.

      Reply
    96. 96.

      Johannes

      March 25, 2024 at 10:48 pm

      @Baud: I’m with Baud, too. John—I’ve been going through this shit undiagnosed for 30 years, most of that time as a litigator. I’m still far from perfect, but therapy, meds, and support —thanks, @la Caterina!—I’m doing a lot better.
      Hang in there, John—we love ya, big guy!

      Reply
    97. 97.

      MaryRC

      March 25, 2024 at 10:52 pm

      Take care of yourself, John. Many of us here know what you’re going through and we’re wishing you the best.

      Reply
    98. 98.

      Eric S.

      March 25, 2024 at 10:53 pm

      Late to today’s post. I recognize all the symptoms you describe, JC. I am lucky to never have experienced them at the intensity you describe. Talking to a professional helps. I recall you mentioning a therapist the other day and you made an appointment. Maybe think about moving that up if you can. Twice since my diagnosis I’ve had major moments and called for a short notice appointment. Both times I left better than I entered. I know we are all different and different things help us. Just my $0.02 for what helped me.

      Reply
    99. 99.

      Eric S.

      March 25, 2024 at 11:05 pm

      @Dangerman: Costa Rica is beautiful and wonderful. Worth a trip. Meds would be a bonus.

      Reply
    100. 100.

      wenchacha

      March 25, 2024 at 11:21 pm

      I’m glad you are getting some relief. May this trend continue, John.

      Reply
    101. 101.

      Ruckus

      March 25, 2024 at 11:24 pm

      John.

      I find that it is so easy to get things going inside the body/head that many of us would never have seen 40-60 yrs ago. But several things have happened over that time that can change everything. First – more bodies within a given parameter. It may not affect you or not affect you noticeably. Yet for many it can be an issue. Second – you’ve gotten older. Many things that wouldn’t affect you when younger may now, and you likely won’t have a history that might raise suspicion. Third – our bodies change over time and may change in different ways for different people. I had a disease when young that can affect a lot of things in life, encephalitis, and treatment was not the same as today. But then we had a lot of diseases that had no treatment when I was born.

      Reply
    102. 102.

      Ruckus

      March 25, 2024 at 11:30 pm

      @SteveinPHX:

      I always understood that to be “Time wounds all heels.”

      Reply
    103. 103.

      mvr

      March 25, 2024 at 11:35 pm

      Like a lot of people here, grateful for your creation of this place and wishing you well.  Could say more but that would be to gush.

      Reply
    104. 104.

      Morfydd

      March 25, 2024 at 11:36 pm

      Hi, long-time lurker coming in late in the thread. You have been through so much and your toughness is inspiring.  Not that you have to be tough all the time! Knowing when to get help and take a break is pretty wise, too. :)

      Internet hugs if you want them.

      Reply
    105. 105.

      karen marie

      March 25, 2024 at 11:37 pm

      I hope it isn’t rude to go off topic but I need advice. I am toying with buying my first flatscreen TV. I’d like to watch cooking shows on youtube while lounging in my boudoir.

      Question one, does such a TV require a hard connection to my computer/internet or does it use wifi directly?

      Question two, I want the cheapest TV I can find (on Amazon, because I’m not hauling anything anywhere) that will work for more than 15 minutes and relatively easy setup. Recommendations?

      Thanks!

      Reply
    106. 106.

      Leto

      March 25, 2024 at 11:51 pm

      @karen marie: most tv’s now a days have a built in wifi connection, so you can connect to your home network. It’s pretty easy.

      No recommendations on the tv front, sorry.

      Reply
    107. 107.

      Quinerly

      March 25, 2024 at 11:52 pm

      @karen marie:

      I have 2 TCL Rokus. Easy set up. One is in a guest room and the other is in my bedroom. I really like them. The one in my room has a Roku soundbar. The one in the guestroom is on Edifier speakers. (These flat-screen  tvs need soundbars, speakers imo)

      Have a 65 inch LG (Costco..delivered) in my den on a surround sound set up with Klipsch 5 speakers, subwolfer, and Denon Receiver. Very complicated set up (for me). A friend from stage hands union took over a day to set up It up, and I am still tinkering to get the subwoofer right.

      With all that said, I was late to flat screen tvs. Love the TCL Rokus for the ease of set up.

      Reply
    108. 108.

      NotMax

      March 25, 2024 at 11:55 pm

      @karen marie

      On the southern end of the price scale, TCL generally gets universal good reviews. Same goes for Hisense, IIRC.

      Tips:

      Unless it is somehow crucial to your perceived needs, forget about the 4K hoopla. Go with a 1080p model as opposed to 720p. Any differential in price between those two versions is minimal.

      Still models from 2023 for sale, often at an attractive discount.

      Most in-chassis TV speakers today kind of suck. Investing later on down the line in a soundbar (unless you already have one) is a solid plan.

      Reply
    109. 109.

      Quinerly

      March 26, 2024 at 12:01 am

      @NotMax: 💚

      Reply
    110. 110.

      NotMax

      March 26, 2024 at 12:08 am

      @NotMax

      Oh, one more thing. For the flatscreens, familiarize yourself with how-to videos (there are dozens and dozens on YouTube) on how to clean the screen and what to use or not use when doing so when that future eventuality arises.

      Reply
    111. 111.

      Jager

      March 26, 2024 at 12:19 am

      John, I worked at my old career until I was 72, took a year off, and my wife and I pissed around and took some nice trips. She was still working, and most of the time I was on my own.  Out of the blue, an old friend and I started a nice little business, we did well and sold it and made a few bucks. Now  I am 75 years old, in great health, no job, and depressed as hell. My doc set me to a therapy group of retired business guys, at the end of the first session, a guy said, ‘Is your wife still working?” I said, yep. He said, “Let me guess, she treats you like her 7th-grade son.” I said, Uh huh. He laughed, ‘”Get used to it, roll with it, and be happy you’re not in charge anymore. Go sail your boat, cook great meals for your wife, and whatever you do, don’t take any job where you have to wear a goddamned vest.”

      Hang in there, enjoy every day. You’re not as fucked up as you think you are.

      Reply
    112. 112.

      karen marie

      March 26, 2024 at 12:19 am

      @Quinerly: @Leto:

      Thanks, kids!

      Quinerly, the Rokus – do you have to subscribe to Roku service?  Does not subscribing create an issue?

      @NotMax:  Yeah, the sound part is something that occurred to me seconds before I saw your reply.  I have a small wifi speaker that I use when watching videos on my computer monitor.  Will that same speaker work?

      Everything is so complicated!

      I’m glad to see Hisense works for you.  I believe it’s a manufacturer of TVs in my price range – $200 or less.

      Reply
    113. 113.

      Madeleine

      March 26, 2024 at 12:21 am

      John—

      I’m glad—really relieved—that you were able to see your doc today and start meds.

      Reply
    114. 114.

      Brachiator

      March 26, 2024 at 12:22 am

      I commend you for your postings, John Cole.

      As always, wishing you the best.

      Reply
    115. 115.

      Quinerly

      March 26, 2024 at 12:27 am

      @karen marie: no subscription.

      Reply
    116. 116.

      Manyakitty

      March 26, 2024 at 12:33 am

      @Quinerly: this is excellent information, thank you. In the process of removing as much Amazon as possible from my life and switching to a Roku TV sounds like a great idea, especially with no subscription needed.

      Reply
    117. 117.

      karen marie

      March 26, 2024 at 12:33 am

      @Quinerly: Why buy a Roku TV – price?

      Do you know anything about Amazon Fire TVs?  Those seem pretty cheap.  Is it a trick?

      Reply
    118. 118.

      NotMax

      March 26, 2024 at 12:43 am

      @karen marie

      Mom, age 95 then, didn’t want a huge screen but did want an upgrade from one of her 24″ sets. Scored her a previous year’s model 32″ TCL for $109 bucks.

      There’s zero cost to subscribe to Roku. They will ask for a credit card but that comes into play only if you buy additional merchandise directly from them or subscribe to other pay services offered within their universe. Gobs of free channels available though Roku.

      FTR, I don’t have a Hisense; any info about them comes from reading reviews and tech sites.

      As for your speaker, maybe yes, maybe no. Depends on its innards and connector(s). And if it is a single speaker, no stereo, natch. Don’t get me wrong, the built-in TV speakers will be adequately listenable but lacking in range and depth compared to an external unit.

      Reply
    119. 119.

      IdahoGoatGirl

      March 26, 2024 at 12:47 am

      Hey John,  I don’t know if you will see this as I am pretty late writing in, but I have been on buspar for years and I do not have any side-effects from this medication.   I take it twice a day and it controls a lot of my major anxiety on most days.   I know if the day does not go exactly as I have planned I can start to spiral.

      On an interesting side note, I have a cat on buspar as well.   She is on 1/3rd of the dose I am on, twice a day.  She has been on this for, geesh, 10 years.   She was a badly abused kitten that I bottle raised after she watched teenagers murder her mom and siblings.  She has had stress and anxiety problems all of her life.   She sprays, is hard to deal with, and is obviously unhappy if she does not get her prozac and buspar.   She will allow very few people to touch her, but she knows her meds make her feel better and she allows me to give her the pills twice a day, with a pill gun, as long as I don’t dick around too much, then she gets fed up and bites.

      I hope you are feeling better

      Reply
    120. 120.

      Quinerly

      March 26, 2024 at 12:49 am

      @karen marie:

      My first Roku that is now here was originally in the walk out basement apt/guest quarters in my old house in St. Louis. I liked the ease of set up/use for guests/Air BnB folks. It has an app for Amazon Prime movies. I bought the second one like it a few months later for my bedroom. I moved both here. I guess they are about 4-5 years old now. I assume I bought the first one because of a good price and stuck with the brand for the second one. I don’t recall considering the Fire TVs back then.

      Reply
    121. 121.

      NotMax

      March 26, 2024 at 12:50 am

      Just now looked online. Costco has a 43″ 4K TCL for $230, a 50″ one for $250.

      Reply
    122. 122.

      Quinerly

      March 26, 2024 at 12:54 am

      @karen marie:

      Don’t know what size you are looking for. My TCL/Rokus are 43″.

      Amazon has some (TCL) for $199.99 (43″).

      Reply
    123. 123.

      Quinerly

      March 26, 2024 at 12:55 am

      @NotMax:

      Hard to believe how cheap these tvs have gotten.😉

      Reply
    124. 124.

      NotMax

      March 26, 2024 at 12:58 am

      @karen marie

      Fire TV reviews are all over the map. Some people really, really don’t like their on screen user interface. And have seen reports that the Fire TV (also the Fire stick) sends a LOT more data about you upstream than any other TV or gadget.

      BTW, although Roku does now have its own brand of sets, it still is included with a TCL.

      Reply
    125. 125.

      BigJimSlade

      March 26, 2024 at 1:02 am

      I was trying to think of another word for the patience needed in a difficult time. I came up with abide, as in the dude abides (not to make too light of difficulties, unless a little humor helps, that is).

      John, you felt like shit, but got a lot of crap done… with some bumps in the road. But you rode them out, were productive, and improved your situation. Great job!

      Reply
    126. 126.

      NotMax

      March 26, 2024 at 1:18 am

      @Quinerly

      Yup yup. The L:ED screen models have dropped dramatically in price. It’s now the OLED and QLED screen models which carry eye-watering price tags.

      Reply
    127. 127.

      eclare

      March 26, 2024 at 1:20 am

      @IdahoGoatGirl:

      Your kitty is lucky to have you.

      Reply
    128. 128.

      Chris T.

      March 26, 2024 at 1:26 am

      @NotMax: Yeah, and OLED may finally be ready for prime time, as it were. (For too many years it was only suitable for phone screens because after a few years it would fade and lose color accuracy. Since phones themselves all go obsolete within a few years, that doesn’t matter too much. Though I suppose some people replace TV displays every few years. I’m still on the set I bought to replace a failed internal-projection set back in the mid-2010s I think.)

      Reply
    129. 129.

      206inKY

      March 26, 2024 at 1:43 am

      @karen marie: Feel the same about alprazolam. So many people are quick to tut tut, but it is life changing for anxiety episodes. I’m lucky to have a reliable psychiatrist.

      Reply
    130. 130.

      NotMax

      March 26, 2024 at 1:45 am

      @Chris T.

      Love my non-smart 51″ plasma set scooped up the final year they were available. Once the phase out was confirmed, prices plummeted.
      ;)

      Reply
    131. 131.

      eclare

      March 26, 2024 at 2:05 am

      @NotMax:

      I have a 40″ plasma from 2007 or 2008.  The speakers have declined, but the picture is still great.

      Reply
    132. 132.

      Soprano2

      March 26, 2024 at 2:17 am

      I’m glad you’re better. I hope you continue to improve. Right now I’m sitting in the ER waiting for the doctor to see hubby. I think he has a UTI. I hated to call 911 but I knew something was wrong. I’ve got to get some help, I can’t do this by myself. He’ll do things for other people that he won’t do for me.

      Reply
    133. 133.

      eclare

      March 26, 2024 at 2:39 am

      @Soprano2:

      Oh no!  You are dealing with so much on your own, I hope you can find help.  Hugs.

      Reply
    134. 134.

      Ruckus

      March 26, 2024 at 3:30 am

      @karen marie:

      Just back to BJ from watching my 65 inch Samsung flat screen.

      Sure it takes up a good part of the wall space, but it is pretty amazing to watch TV on an actual big screen. I’ve had the thing for a few years and it’s given me excellent service. However the price for a current decent one has gone down about half what I paid, although there are some high end models that cost 3 to 4 times what I paid.

      The only thing to do is to go to a store and see what size you want and then I’d suggest watching the same show on the different brands/models/sizes to get an idea of what looks best for the amount you want to spend. Sure some of the high end models are  better but at some point I feel like the higher price is just to make you think the one you bought is higher priced just to make you think you got so much more.

      IOW you have to look at them next to each other, figure out how big you want, and how much you want to spend, because it seems all the manufacturers make multiple models of the same size.

      Reply
    135. 135.

      Anyway

      March 26, 2024 at 4:22 am

      OMG Baltimore’s Key bridge (I 695) hit by a ship and collapsed two hours ago

      ETA footage is crazy a!most unbelievable

      Reply
    136. 136.

      eclare

      March 26, 2024 at 4:26 am

      @Anyway:

      OMG I just saw the video.  The whole bridge collapsed, section by section.

      Reply
    137. 137.

      David_C

      March 26, 2024 at 5:02 am

      I’m glad for “better.” Continued sobriety is good. Self-care is good. I hope today is one of the good ones. Totally get you about the shopping cart anxiety. Last night I dreamt that I was in church, singing a psalm at the lectern, and when I got back to my seat in the loft my hymnal was missing. A small thing for some, I guess, but still upsetting to a lot of us. Take care.

      Reply
    138. 138.

      Joey Maloney

      March 26, 2024 at 5:04 am

      They’re calling the bridge collapse a mass casualty event. In the footage you can see there was plenty of traffic on the bridge, and it all goes into the water. Holy crap.

      Reply
    139. 139.

      Ramalama

      March 26, 2024 at 5:20 am

      @Anathema Device:

      from a stranger overseas

      Pardon me for this intrusive question but Are you an American living overseas? If yes are you registered to vote? It’s really easy if yes. Almost criminally easier than many precincts in person.

      Also, Blogfather John please keep doing what you’re doing to keep your head above the water.

      Reply
    140. 140.

      Princess

      March 26, 2024 at 6:18 am

      @Soprano2: Maybe you won’t see this but my sister and I have both remarked n how our step-father has been greatly helped by hooking up with the support the local Alzheimer’s society gives. He’s about to join a regular support group with them.

      Reply
    141. 141.

      gene108

      March 26, 2024 at 6:34 am

      Glad you are doing better. Glad you have learned ways to cope, including knowing when to get help.

      Reply
    142. 142.

      Antonius

      March 26, 2024 at 7:03 am

      Hey, that’s a pretty good day of accomplishments, John. I know it’s hard to feel it, but it’s a good sign. Hang in there.

      Reply
    143. 143.

      sherparick

      March 26, 2024 at 8:35 am

      @Chacal Charles Calthrop: Well, that is better than my cat punching me in the face to wake me up for its breakfast. Also knocking a book off the night stand. Take care John. A day at a time and all us lurkers lending you a ear.

      Reply
    144. 144.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 8:51 am

      Some jerkwad or elderly person not thinking straight probably stole your cart while you were in the bathroom. Has happened to me.

      Best wishes on getting betterer and betterer!

      Reply
    145. 145.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 8:55 am

      @Dangerman: Juggling 22 girlfriends and then wifey finding out is what sent Tiger “off the rails”.

      Reply
    146. 146.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 8:56 am

      @karen marie: I prefer the mushrooms, as in my experience, they don’t last near as long as acid and also the ‘trip’ is milder.

      You must have got some badass shrooms.

      Reply
    147. 147.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 8:59 am

      @karen marie: I think LG makes the best stuff (that is in the affordable range somewhere).

      Reply
    148. 148.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 9:00 am

      @Jager: Spend that money you earned! Have as much fun as you can!

      Reply
    149. 149.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 9:03 am

      @Ruckus: Have a 70″ LG and jeezus pete what a picture! My 12 year old self (watching our 19″ Admiral black & white) would have had a seizure if he’d experienced that.

      Reply
    150. 150.

      Paul in KY

      March 26, 2024 at 9:05 am

      @Joey Maloney: Horrible! Those poor people. How the fuck do you hit a bridge that’s been there 55 years and you are going 4 knots or whatever?! Plus the bridge is all lit up! Have to check on it being a criminal act, IMO.

      Reply
    151. 151.

      Chat Noir

      March 26, 2024 at 9:43 am

      Hang in there, John! I’m rooting for you and you know everyone who reads this blog is rooting for you too. ☺️

      Reply
    152. 152.

      xjmuellerlurks

      March 26, 2024 at 10:01 am

      Hang in there.  We’re all rooting for you.

      Reply
    153. 153.

      karen marie

      March 26, 2024 at 11:22 am

      @Ruckus: Very useful info.

      Thank you all!

      Reply
    154. 154.

      Sis

      March 26, 2024 at 12:22 pm

      I’m glad you’re feeling better. There’s something really satisfying about taking action to fix anxiety instead of just waiting for it to pass. (I speak from long experience.)

      Reply
    155. 155.

      Nelson

      March 26, 2024 at 12:25 pm

      @Barry: excellent suggestion!

      Reply
    156. 156.

      bluefoot

      March 26, 2024 at 2:39 pm

      @Anne Laurie: ​
        Oh, interesting. That makes sense re allergens triggering the same physiological signals as anxiety. That would explain a lot for me and people I know.

      Reply
    157. 157.

      Ruthless

      March 26, 2024 at 11:45 pm

      You are not alone. Been dealing with anxiety/depression issues for years. If meds help, take them. For me, they turned me into a vegetable, made me feel worse. I’ve had perhaps two nervous breakdowns the last 5 years and each time I lose a year recovering. I practice trying to maintain a positive mood costantly. Trying to be mindful of feelings of dread, saddness, helplessness, anger and force myself not to experience those emotions. They are completely justified feelings, but I have to consciously choose not to feel that way. It’s hard. I’m going through 5+ years of unnecessary custody litigation with an abusive ex and it’s accurate to say this has ruined me. I found out about 1 1/2 years ago that the reason for this case being dragged out was that the court was trying to cover up this case. I found out about 7 months ago that my ex has been secretly coordinating this with the court. So all the hell I’ve gone through was pointless and my life savings are wiped out for nothing, my credit rating is destroyed, my career is far off track. I teeter on the brink of utter despair most days, but I refuse to allow these criminals to win. I’m just coming back to this blog after years of absence, so I don’t know what you’re dealing with. But stay strong, my friend. It will get better.

      Reply

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