I don’t want to cause problems for someone else, so I have decided to put this discussion of my mental status below the fold. If you’re sick of reading about it or worry it may impact you negatively, just scroll on by. I assure you that I am more sick of living it than you are reading about it, but this is a full service blog.
At any rate, woke up this morning, sun was coming through the curtains, and I told myself that I was going to confront the day and it was going to be a good one. This lasted about thirty seconds after I got out of bed and both cats started screaming for breakfast, I looked and saw my dismantled computer that I had to take to the shop for repair, and the spiral began.
Before I left for Arizona I had scheduled a blood draw for this morning so that I could go into my spring checkup with the doctor armed with all the necessary data, so I went and did that. It was awful and bright and the place was full of physically unwell people. Got out of there alive, went and dropped off the computer, and then headed to Kroger.
My parents came back today so I was going to pick them up some stuff, and I went into the store, got a cart, and not sure if you know this, but one of the side effects of anxiety for people is a histamine effect, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom, came out, and my cart was gone. I looked for it, could not find it, couldn’t figure out if I was losing my mind, and the cognitive load of simply getting another cart was too much so instead I went out to the car and pulled into a spot in the shade behind the store and cried.
After I had my shit together I called the doctor and said I need to come in today, so they scheduled me at 3 pm. Got in, and all my bloodwork from 8 am was already done, and wouldn’t you know it, it was great. Like cholesterol and triglyceride levels that were not just good for my age but straight up good. Was officially down 22 lbs according to their scales, and it appears my body is fine and my head is just shit.
I talked with her for a while and she said she wanted to do an EKG just to rule that out for my piece of mind, we did it, and it was normal. Basically, we agreed that for now the diagnosis is I am nuts and having a major anxiety episode. Just talking to her and getting the bloodwork results lowered my blood pressure (she tested it when I got there and it was through the roof) and it was normal by the time I left.
I apparently have another sinus infection on top of everything else, so she told me to get some flonase and mucinex, and then put me on two short term anxiety meds- atarax and buspar. She was very kind and patient with me, and sent me on my way.
I have no experience with the meds- I had been prescribed atarax before but never took it because it was a “just in case” thing, but I dutifully took both WITHOUT GOOGLING either, and I feel a lot better right now. I don’t think I should operate anything more dangerous than a keyboard, but for the first time in a week I do not feel completely insane and spiraling.
So that is where we are now- 24 hours later, not great, but better. I’ll fucking take that. I even wrote this post in one sitting. Thanks for listening.
Baud
Better is good.
AM in NC
What Baud said.
SW
Hang in there buddy. The physical stuff is great news. Our mental state is an electro chemical phenomenon. There is really no such thing as normal. It is a broad spectrum. We just need to achieve comfortable. You are on your way.
CaseyL
Better is fantastic.
frosty
Thirding what Baud said. Fantastic news on the blood work and congratulations on losing the 22 lbs.
stinger
Better is good. In fact, better is great!
ETA: And Baud beat me to it.
Baud
@stinger:
No need to one up me.
Ken Adler
Longtime lurker here. Always thinking of you.
Adam Lang
Oh god have I been there. Never as bad as you have it, since I tried getting off with a super slow taper, so when I hit a level that wasn’t tolerable it still wasn’t too terrible and I could just tweak it back upwards. Can’t easily imagine what it would have been like to try going cold turkey.
You’ll feel better. I hope it’s soon.
Manyakitty
What Baud said.
Also, too, hope your parents are home and safe!
karen marie
Anti-anxiety medications are THE BEST. I’ve never taken either of the ones mentioned, only alprazolam, but that shit is WONDERFUL. Unfortunately, I’ve had problems getting a regular prescription. If you ask for it, it’s “seeking” behavior, but if you don’t ask for it, you don’t get it. Motherfuckers.
Damien
I think I speak for regulars and lurkers when I say we love and care about you, John. I’ve been lurking here on and off since before Obama 08, and your openness with your struggles and victories in all manner of your life is what keeps bringing me back; I’m glad that you aren’t spiraling anymore, I’m glad you were strong enough to reach out in your time of need, and I’m glad that you were heard.
Thank you, John.
sab
I have spent years listless and often non-functional with simple tasks.
I thought depression was deeply sad. I did not have a clue that my listless non-functioning might be depression.
Mentionned last night’s comment section to my husband and he agreed on the depression but was surprised that I had never mentionned it to him. Communicationis useful. All of us should do it more often.
lowtechcyclist
Good on you for just hanging in there and getting through the day, John. I know it couldn’t have been easy to deal with all that shit. And I’m glad you got some anxiety meds. And congrats on losing weight and generally getting healthier while you were in AZ, losing weight ain’t easy.
Lyrebird
Better is AWESOME!!!
From a reader who can’t take mucinex %-) but doesn’t assume you have the same body anyhow!
Dangerman
I have a couple books at home; one for diet for depression and anxiety and one for PTSD. Not diagnosing you! Just good books to read on simple things to do to “get well”. I’ll look them up later. Also, there is a Youtube Hypnotherapist that is outstanding. Michael Sealy, IIRC. Really fine videos. FWIW, I’m very hypnotic (or whatever the word should be).
Also, consider even more alternative treatments. For example, I’ve done isolation chambers. Or floats if you prefer. I think everyone has a different experience so I don’t talk about what happens to me from a float. Same with tripping out to binaural beats.
The brain is a funny thing.
Hang in there, Dude.
MomSense
Sending my best to you, Cole. Going through it with one of my sons and it’s so tough. I’m really glad you are sharing with us.
TaMara
[[[hugs]]]
Ryan
Hang in there, man.
BretH
Glad to hear. Not a daily poster but a long time reader who can’t overstate the value this site and community brings, starting and ending with your posts, John. Thanks and hope things look up sooner than later, but either way, here for the duration.
TaMara
@Dangerman: Yes on binural beats. Surprisingly helpful.
There are enough of us in CO and OR if you wanted to do a psilocybin therapy, that’s an option.
Barry
Keep on trucking, John.
Try the tie-died overalls again :)
Omnes Omnibus
Better is good. You can work with better.
MazeDancer
Sounds like you did a lot today. Good for you.
And how wonderful the new meds did something positive right off the bat.
sab
@MomSense: We went through it with a stepson, so I think I kept quiet about me because he was in so much pain and we were so afraid and I was just feeling listtless and pointless but nothing urgent. But every morning why even get up?
geg6
Good on you, John, both for the good news on your general health and on seeking help, getting it and following through. Glad you’re doing better and here’s hoping that keeps happening and that you’re back in a good place soon. I bet Joelle has been worried sick and I hope she can relax a bit now, too.
hrprogressive
Better is positive. Here’s to more “better” soon.
grumbles
Glad today was better.
And seriously fuck a bunch of sinuses. Where can I get mine removed?
MomSense
@sab:
We all care about you! Please take care of you.
eclare
So glad to read that you reached out and got help. As Baud wrote, better is good.
I have had a couple of panic attacks in my life, and that gives me a small insight into what you are experiencing. They were terrifying. You, and everyone else dealing with mental health issues, have my best wishes for better tomorrows.
Juju
I’m happy you’re feeling better. I hope you get through this sooner than you think.
Tony Jay
Yup. Better breeds better. Little bricks of better building on each other until you’re up above the smog and can breathe again.
It’ll happen, dude. You’re doing the work, that’s always Step 1 to Eleventy.
sab
@MomSense: When we get Dad moved safely to a better nursing home this week I will worry more about me. Glad I finally let my husband know about my issues. Not surprised he knew but was afraid to discuss. Communication is often helpful.
Week started normal, turned traumatic then wound up hopeful. I am too old for this but Dad is 99+ for this also.
Leto
Glad today was better. Everyone here is doing nothing but sending posi thoughts your way. One day at a time :)
geg6
@geg6:
That should say Joelle, not Joe. Damn autocorrect.
raven
Hang tough Dawg.
PaulWartenberg
Better is good. taking care of the sinuses is good. Taking care of the anxiety is good.
I need to look into anxiety medications myself. My counselor wants my primary care physician’s input this week.
Pink Tie
Anxiety sufferer here too… the bodily aspects can be as upsetting and uncomfortable as anything going on in your mind. I’m hoping you, and anyone here struggling with similar, will continue to feel even better.
Chacal Charles Calthrop
@TaMara: Now that’s where the BJ hermitage should be….
Feel better. Tell the cats it was their fault for screaming for breakfast.
ColoradoGuy
Better living through chemistry. Until we have an electronic gizmo where you turn a few knobs and control brain physiology, chemistry is the best we have. PTSD really does a number on brain physiology, so chemistry, binaural beats, EMDR, and a few other interventions are all we have. Might as well take advantage of it.
You might minimize the number of daily tasks so you don’t get task-saturated (the #1 danger for pilots). Settle on no more than two tasks a day, knowing more will come out of nowhere.
Citizen Scientist
Hang in there JC. Glad you’re able to keep your head up mostly. And thank you for sharing; your tales help me realize that I am not alone.
Sister Golden Bear
I’ve been there myself, including right now. Glad you hung in there. Better is definitely good. Hugs, if hugs are OK.
Raoul Paste
So you took care of business in a responsible way, even though you didn’t feel like it. Any shrink would give you an A+. Buddy, you have skills
MomSense
@Sister Golden Bear:
Hugs, SGB
MobiusKlein
My wife’s experience with anxiety / depression track – that sometimes she needs the pharmaceutical help to break the anxiety cycle. Also cut out the coffee while you have those kinds of issues.
Sincerely,
Not Your Doctor.
Miss Bianca
John, so sorry you are going through this, but I can totally relate. Have been a terrible depressive for much of my life myself. Just keep on talking to us, and hope that the sun starts shining soon!
Glad you are able to do your self-care, too.
SteveinPHX
Sounds like progress Bud! It won’t be rockit-like fast, but it will happen.
“Time heals all wounds.” (So old, it was probably first uttered in a Cro-Magnon cave, but has some truth)
eclare
@sab:
Oh gosh, good luck to you and your Dad for the move.
MagdaInBlack
John, I have lost track of the number of times in the past I had to walk out of a business because I simply could not deal and the feeling of “I have to get out of here right now” overwhelmed me.
I am glad you went to your Dr and I am glad you can say you are feeling a wee bit better
Ida Slapter
Better living through chemistry, Cole.
Some of us just need that, myself included. So glad things are working for you. Keep moving forward.
You’re in my thoughts every day.
Barbara
Good luck John. My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression and it can take patience to get the right approach.
Anne Laurie
Better is great, and so is finding the strength to go to your doctor.
Didn’t want to overstep, but I did kinda wonder if returning to West Virginia’s burgeoning early pollen season might’ve been a factor in your latest onset — if your body interprets a sudden rise in histamine levels as OMG TIME TO BE ANXIOUS!!! I’ve known people who start taking allergy meds ‘pre-season’, or just stay on them year-round, because apparently yes anxiety disorder can be triggered by ‘ordinary’ allergens in those who are subject to both. (To repeat: Sometimes it sucks that we’re made of meat jelly… )
eclare
@Sister Golden Bear:
Hugs back to you.
Ohio Mom
What a good doctor!
It was very smart of you Cole to insist on seeing her. You’re taking good care of yourself, which is no small thing.
And hooray for psychotropic meds.
Ruckus
@Baud:
Yes it is good but good is good and better is better.
OK, now that I got that out of my system, yes, better is better. And one can be good without it being better, and one can be better without it being good.
catbirdman
This is fantastic news — I know it’s baby steps, but you’re prioritizing things like getting the blood drawn and running the tests. I’m so glad the results are encouraging, and that you’re feeling a bit better on the meds. One breath, one step, one doctor’s appointment at a time. Keep the faith!
Dorothy A. Winsor
You did good today, John. You’re sick, and you handled it well.
Old School
Better is stupendous.
May tomorrow be even better.
Another Scott
Indeed, one day at a time.
I’m glad things are getting better. Better is all we can reasonably hope for – incremental progress. Keep pushing the boulder up the hill.
Best wishes,
Scott.
Dangerman
@TaMara: I would definitely try psilocybin. Not Ketamine. I think that fucked up Elon Musk. Course, he was already out there.
Same with a wonder drug for sleep (blanking on the name right now) that I think fucked up Tiger Woods when he went off the rails a few years back. Fatherhood seems to have brought him back.
I would love to try (and I am going to screw up the name) ayahuasca but I don’t really want to fly ti Costa Rica.
The wonders of neuroplasticity, etc.
karen marie
@TaMara: I laugh when people talk about taking psilocybin for mental health. The last time I ate mushrooms was somewhere around 1983. I’d done LSD, mushrooms and Ecstasy before but that day being that high was just boring! It was murder wishing I could make it stop, knowing that I had to wait it out. I can picture where I waited – a bench in the Boston Public Garden, between Arlington and Beacon Streets. It was a lovely sunny day but, fergawdsakes, it took forever to come down.
Kristine
Glad you got in to see your doctor, Cole, and that she gave you meds that appear to have helped.
Congrats on good bloodwork. That really is a BFD for anyone.
NotMax
Treat yourself to a special present?
;)
eclare
@NotMax:
That mug is perfect.
Quadrillipede
I’m less of a medical professional, more an enthusiastic amateur, but taking a low/sub-psychedelic amount of psilocybin mushroom material from time to time helps me get into a more empathic and less drastically overanalytical state of mind. But we are all different, and what works for you may not work for me.
eclare
@Dangerman:
Ketamine also led to Matthew Perry’s death. From what I’ve read he had enough in his system that surgery could have been performed.
zhena gogolia
@geg6: I thought you knew her super-secret nickname!
Good for you, John, this sounds good.
Dangerman
One more suggestion. Find something you find miraculous and study the shit out of it. I don’t mean Miraculous in a Spiritual sense but, hey, whatever works for you.
Miracle on the Hudson is a good one . NFW that should have played out the way it did. But it did.
My personal favorite is one that came from my neighborhood. Just south of Buellton. It’s known as the Three Bridges accident locally. Shit, Navy SeaBee’s got involved. There was a wonderful Dateline or whatever episode on it. The NBC one. Don’t recall her name. Recall her being from San Juan Capistrano. Kelly something. No way she and her daughters should have lived. No way. But they did.
Brain is funny. LIFE is funny. Seeing things that don’t make sense somehow makes it all make sense. Can’t explain it. It is what it is.
zhena gogolia
@Anne Laurie: Interesting. The pollen is already bad this year.
Anathema Device
John, I went through a horrendous mental break two years ago after stopping my anti-depression meds, and lost almost a year to utter misery and dysfunction before I got therapry, a new AD and an autism diagnosis which helped me understand a *lot* of things. Life feels a lot brighter now, though there is no substantial change in my circumstances.
I wish you the very best with the certainty that you *will* be doing better very soon. The new drugs should make a huge difference.
Warm thoughts to you and your tribe from a stranger overseas
Ruckus
Decades ago I was a volunteer mental health counselor. Both phone and in person. I have stories. We went to counseling regularly ourselves because it is easy to fall into places that aren’t all that much fun to be in and we had to learn to stay out of that and help others get out of whatever. And some people we were in no way capable of helping, they required far more training/effort than we could give them.
Getting better, staying better takes effort and direction – a road map if you will. IOW help. One of the reasons we get to the needing help point is life/humanity. Any of us may need help at one point or another. But it is better today in that we have more/better meds to help many of the causes of needing the help in the first place.
Hang in there John, follow your doc’s directions, take the meds, find help if you need it – it can and does actually help. Meds can and do help a lot and then we forget about the meds or run out and we regress. Some actually want to fight the meds because they don’t recognize better, they’ve never really seen better from their personal perspective.
Ruckus
@NotMax:
Nice!
@eclare:
Yes it is!
Janus Daniels
Hanging in there is usually more than half the battle. Having trained and able people who care about you is usually more than the other half. Cautious optimism seems reasonable.
FWIW, meditation helps many, including me. If you like, feel free to ask.
WaterGirl
@geg6: All better.
Jackie
It sounds like getting in to see your doctor today was the best thing you did for yourself! Labs good! BP good! Weight loss GREAT! Sinus infection caught early good! Getting to vent great! New antidepressants YAY!
Hoping the sinus meds plus antidepressants help you feel a whole lot better SOONEST! Hugs.
itstrue
Dude, I don’t know anything about you other than what you put on this blog, but I like you, and it sounds like you are in love, maybe for the first time. I know, you married her and all that, and you obviously like one another, but I think you’re having an especially hard time being apart. Compound that with going back to the grey east (I live there too), and reality, whatever that really looks like for you, and there you are. I know you have good reasons to go back to WVA. And none of this is to belittle the feelings, or the chemistry– my medicine cabinet speaks for itself. But I really think you have something good here, and I hope you make it part of your life permanently. If I’m right (who knows?) at least you have a clear external cause that isn’t something terrible. I wish you the best.
JerseyBeard
Very long time lurker. I’ve been there man.
Be kind and patient with yourself. As kind and patient as you can be.
FelonyGovt
Better is good, John. Hugs. And you may never know how much good you’re doing here and in the world by sharing.
@Sister Golden Bear: Hugs to you as well.
Tony G
Best wishes to you.
citizen dave
♥ all the best, Blogfather. And everyone else. Such great posts from those who can share. ♥
cain
Glad to hear that your physical self is doing straight up awesome. Glad the meds are working out to you and you can actually function. Let’s hope for better days in the days ahead.
JaneE
Your issues probably make mine trivial by comparison, but every once in awhile I have periods of time when it seems like everyday is a new crisis before the other ones can even get half settled. And the physically having great readings while feeling utterly crappy is something I do all the time.
All attitude is so much better than mine. It is really really amazing. We all are. Hoping you feel better soon. No one deserves it more than you do.
NotMax
@Anne Laurie
Ms. Deranged in AZ
So good news and I’m happy to hear it. I too have a sinus infection due to the early spring weather and the pollution. For some reason since I have lived in AZ my sinuses have been a complete cluster. John, you may want to stock up on antihistamines and decongestants for the months you are in AZ in future.
schrodingers_cat
I am glad you are feeling better! These swings in the weather are no fun either.
trollhattan
In tandem with starting allergy shots after decades since my kid era, I now do a nightly saline rinse that has really helped me sleep. We’re revving up pollen season, which is approximately 13 months/year, overlain with winter mildew season for variety. So I never stop the regime.
Hey, Hollywood sound effects folks, you have it all wrong. I watched a small Mazda SUV roll over 2X this evening while cycling, and I’m here to proclaim it sounds NOTHING like pinging metal and smashing glass used for film. It sounds like your big, wheeled, square, plastic rubbish bin—20X larger—rolling over and over as if in a gale. Mesmerizing, watching the windows blow out and the phalanx of airbags deploy, and then the WTF just happened? thoughts creep in.
No fatalities, not even much blood, but will leave it to the EMTs to determine shock and such. As bonus, at rush hour the t-bone-ing car was stuck on a pair of light rail tracks, so effed commute. Didn’t see them collide but safe guess is the Mazda drove over the “YIELD” painted on the street, entered the intersection, and then the surprisingly small Toyota sent it flying on an unexpected journey north, having the right of way and all.
That’s a lot of days, ruined.
Manyakitty
@trollhattan: wow, that’s a lot.
sukabi
Glad you’re being proactive about your health, and really glad you’re better today. You’ve got this John, one day at a time. 🙂
laura
I’m not a doctor, though I’ve played one at home. Anyone who has or is suffering from anxiety has my most sincere sympathy and solidarity. I cannot help but keep thinking that the ongoing, under-reported, untreated trauma of the pandemic and prior administration keeps throwing challenges in our individual and collective faces. Try and convince me it’s not a thing, and then throw the election, the wars in Ukraine and Gaza and Sudan in the mix and it’s a wonder and a miracle that getting through the workaday world- and participate in family life and work life- it’s A Lot. so credit to everyone who’s struggling and hugs to those who’s struggles are so overwhelming, and with no guarantee, I fervently wish for better and brighter days ahead.
Mousebumples
Random fun fact that you (or others) may also already know – Atarax (hydroxyzine) is indicated for anxiety AND allergies. (also very similar to Vistraril, if that name rings bells for others)
Glad to hear the new meds are working well, quickly! Forward progress is good.
laura
@trollhattan: jeezus H peezus, that’s nightmare fuel, and I’m already at peak am dread as spouse pedals off every morning in his pursuit of 800 miles in march madness. I dread a ghost bike memorial that is all too possibly real.
Juliet
Buspar is one of the meds I take, one in the morning and one at night. Have been on it for years for anxiety and there have been no panic attacks for quite a long time. I’m rooting for you!!
Quinerly
@itstrue:
Said so well.
💚💙💛
Narya
Holy crap—Rachel is ripping Ronna a new one.
la caterina
@Juliet: Buspar is definitely the shizzle. It’s been great for me.
Johannes
@Baud: I’m with Baud, too. John—I’ve been going through this shit undiagnosed for 30 years, most of that time as a litigator. I’m still far from perfect, but therapy, meds, and support —thanks, @la Caterina!—I’m doing a lot better.
Hang in there, John—we love ya, big guy!
MaryRC
Take care of yourself, John. Many of us here know what you’re going through and we’re wishing you the best.
Eric S.
Late to today’s post. I recognize all the symptoms you describe, JC. I am lucky to never have experienced them at the intensity you describe. Talking to a professional helps. I recall you mentioning a therapist the other day and you made an appointment. Maybe think about moving that up if you can. Twice since my diagnosis I’ve had major moments and called for a short notice appointment. Both times I left better than I entered. I know we are all different and different things help us. Just my $0.02 for what helped me.
Eric S.
@Dangerman: Costa Rica is beautiful and wonderful. Worth a trip. Meds would be a bonus.
wenchacha
I’m glad you are getting some relief. May this trend continue, John.
Ruckus
John.
I find that it is so easy to get things going inside the body/head that many of us would never have seen 40-60 yrs ago. But several things have happened over that time that can change everything. First – more bodies within a given parameter. It may not affect you or not affect you noticeably. Yet for many it can be an issue. Second – you’ve gotten older. Many things that wouldn’t affect you when younger may now, and you likely won’t have a history that might raise suspicion. Third – our bodies change over time and may change in different ways for different people. I had a disease when young that can affect a lot of things in life, encephalitis, and treatment was not the same as today. But then we had a lot of diseases that had no treatment when I was born.
Ruckus
@SteveinPHX:
I always understood that to be “Time wounds all heels.”
mvr
Like a lot of people here, grateful for your creation of this place and wishing you well. Could say more but that would be to gush.
Morfydd
Hi, long-time lurker coming in late in the thread. You have been through so much and your toughness is inspiring. Not that you have to be tough all the time! Knowing when to get help and take a break is pretty wise, too. :)
Internet hugs if you want them.
karen marie
I hope it isn’t rude to go off topic but I need advice. I am toying with buying my first flatscreen TV. I’d like to watch cooking shows on youtube while lounging in my boudoir.
Question one, does such a TV require a hard connection to my computer/internet or does it use wifi directly?
Question two, I want the cheapest TV I can find (on Amazon, because I’m not hauling anything anywhere) that will work for more than 15 minutes and relatively easy setup. Recommendations?
Thanks!
Leto
@karen marie: most tv’s now a days have a built in wifi connection, so you can connect to your home network. It’s pretty easy.
No recommendations on the tv front, sorry.
Quinerly
@karen marie:
I have 2 TCL Rokus. Easy set up. One is in a guest room and the other is in my bedroom. I really like them. The one in my room has a Roku soundbar. The one in the guestroom is on Edifier speakers. (These flat-screen tvs need soundbars, speakers imo)
Have a 65 inch LG (Costco..delivered) in my den on a surround sound set up with Klipsch 5 speakers, subwolfer, and Denon Receiver. Very complicated set up (for me). A friend from stage hands union took over a day to set up It up, and I am still tinkering to get the subwoofer right.
With all that said, I was late to flat screen tvs. Love the TCL Rokus for the ease of set up.
NotMax
@karen marie
On the southern end of the price scale, TCL generally gets universal good reviews. Same goes for Hisense, IIRC.
Tips:
Unless it is somehow crucial to your perceived needs, forget about the 4K hoopla. Go with a 1080p model as opposed to 720p. Any differential in price between those two versions is minimal.
Still models from 2023 for sale, often at an attractive discount.
Most in-chassis TV speakers today kind of suck. Investing later on down the line in a soundbar (unless you already have one) is a solid plan.
Quinerly
@NotMax: 💚
NotMax
@NotMax
Oh, one more thing. For the flatscreens, familiarize yourself with how-to videos (there are dozens and dozens on YouTube) on how to clean the screen and what to use or not use when doing so when that future eventuality arises.
Jager
John, I worked at my old career until I was 72, took a year off, and my wife and I pissed around and took some nice trips. She was still working, and most of the time I was on my own. Out of the blue, an old friend and I started a nice little business, we did well and sold it and made a few bucks. Now I am 75 years old, in great health, no job, and depressed as hell. My doc set me to a therapy group of retired business guys, at the end of the first session, a guy said, ‘Is your wife still working?” I said, yep. He said, “Let me guess, she treats you like her 7th-grade son.” I said, Uh huh. He laughed, ‘”Get used to it, roll with it, and be happy you’re not in charge anymore. Go sail your boat, cook great meals for your wife, and whatever you do, don’t take any job where you have to wear a goddamned vest.”
Hang in there, enjoy every day. You’re not as fucked up as you think you are.
karen marie
@Quinerly: @Leto:
Thanks, kids!
Quinerly, the Rokus – do you have to subscribe to Roku service? Does not subscribing create an issue?
@NotMax: Yeah, the sound part is something that occurred to me seconds before I saw your reply. I have a small wifi speaker that I use when watching videos on my computer monitor. Will that same speaker work?
Everything is so complicated!
I’m glad to see Hisense works for you. I believe it’s a manufacturer of TVs in my price range – $200 or less.
Madeleine
John—
I’m glad—really relieved—that you were able to see your doc today and start meds.
Brachiator
I commend you for your postings, John Cole.
As always, wishing you the best.
Quinerly
@karen marie: no subscription.
Manyakitty
@Quinerly: this is excellent information, thank you. In the process of removing as much Amazon as possible from my life and switching to a Roku TV sounds like a great idea, especially with no subscription needed.
karen marie
@Quinerly: Why buy a Roku TV – price?
Do you know anything about Amazon Fire TVs? Those seem pretty cheap. Is it a trick?
NotMax
@karen marie
Mom, age 95 then, didn’t want a huge screen but did want an upgrade from one of her 24″ sets. Scored her a previous year’s model 32″ TCL for $109 bucks.
There’s zero cost to subscribe to Roku. They will ask for a credit card but that comes into play only if you buy additional merchandise directly from them or subscribe to other pay services offered within their universe. Gobs of free channels available though Roku.
FTR, I don’t have a Hisense; any info about them comes from reading reviews and tech sites.
As for your speaker, maybe yes, maybe no. Depends on its innards and connector(s). And if it is a single speaker, no stereo, natch. Don’t get me wrong, the built-in TV speakers will be adequately listenable but lacking in range and depth compared to an external unit.
IdahoGoatGirl
Hey John, I don’t know if you will see this as I am pretty late writing in, but I have been on buspar for years and I do not have any side-effects from this medication. I take it twice a day and it controls a lot of my major anxiety on most days. I know if the day does not go exactly as I have planned I can start to spiral.
On an interesting side note, I have a cat on buspar as well. She is on 1/3rd of the dose I am on, twice a day. She has been on this for, geesh, 10 years. She was a badly abused kitten that I bottle raised after she watched teenagers murder her mom and siblings. She has had stress and anxiety problems all of her life. She sprays, is hard to deal with, and is obviously unhappy if she does not get her prozac and buspar. She will allow very few people to touch her, but she knows her meds make her feel better and she allows me to give her the pills twice a day, with a pill gun, as long as I don’t dick around too much, then she gets fed up and bites.
I hope you are feeling better
Quinerly
@karen marie:
My first Roku that is now here was originally in the walk out basement apt/guest quarters in my old house in St. Louis. I liked the ease of set up/use for guests/Air BnB folks. It has an app for Amazon Prime movies. I bought the second one like it a few months later for my bedroom. I moved both here. I guess they are about 4-5 years old now. I assume I bought the first one because of a good price and stuck with the brand for the second one. I don’t recall considering the Fire TVs back then.
NotMax
Just now looked online. Costco has a 43″ 4K TCL for $230, a 50″ one for $250.
Quinerly
@karen marie:
Don’t know what size you are looking for. My TCL/Rokus are 43″.
Amazon has some (TCL) for $199.99 (43″).
Quinerly
@NotMax:
Hard to believe how cheap these tvs have gotten.😉
NotMax
@karen marie
Fire TV reviews are all over the map. Some people really, really don’t like their on screen user interface. And have seen reports that the Fire TV (also the Fire stick) sends a LOT more data about you upstream than any other TV or gadget.
BTW, although Roku does now have its own brand of sets, it still is included with a TCL.
BigJimSlade
I was trying to think of another word for the patience needed in a difficult time. I came up with abide, as in the dude abides (not to make too light of difficulties, unless a little humor helps, that is).
John, you felt like shit, but got a lot of crap done… with some bumps in the road. But you rode them out, were productive, and improved your situation. Great job!
NotMax
@Quinerly
Yup yup. The L:ED screen models have dropped dramatically in price. It’s now the OLED and QLED screen models which carry eye-watering price tags.
eclare
@IdahoGoatGirl:
Your kitty is lucky to have you.
Chris T.
@NotMax: Yeah, and OLED may finally be ready for prime time, as it were. (For too many years it was only suitable for phone screens because after a few years it would fade and lose color accuracy. Since phones themselves all go obsolete within a few years, that doesn’t matter too much. Though I suppose some people replace TV displays every few years. I’m still on the set I bought to replace a failed internal-projection set back in the mid-2010s I think.)
206inKY
@karen marie: Feel the same about alprazolam. So many people are quick to tut tut, but it is life changing for anxiety episodes. I’m lucky to have a reliable psychiatrist.
NotMax
@Chris T.
Love my non-smart 51″ plasma set scooped up the final year they were available. Once the phase out was confirmed, prices plummeted.
;)
eclare
@NotMax:
I have a 40″ plasma from 2007 or 2008. The speakers have declined, but the picture is still great.
Soprano2
I’m glad you’re better. I hope you continue to improve. Right now I’m sitting in the ER waiting for the doctor to see hubby. I think he has a UTI. I hated to call 911 but I knew something was wrong. I’ve got to get some help, I can’t do this by myself. He’ll do things for other people that he won’t do for me.
eclare
@Soprano2:
Oh no! You are dealing with so much on your own, I hope you can find help. Hugs.
Ruckus
@karen marie:
Just back to BJ from watching my 65 inch Samsung flat screen.
Sure it takes up a good part of the wall space, but it is pretty amazing to watch TV on an actual big screen. I’ve had the thing for a few years and it’s given me excellent service. However the price for a current decent one has gone down about half what I paid, although there are some high end models that cost 3 to 4 times what I paid.
The only thing to do is to go to a store and see what size you want and then I’d suggest watching the same show on the different brands/models/sizes to get an idea of what looks best for the amount you want to spend. Sure some of the high end models are better but at some point I feel like the higher price is just to make you think the one you bought is higher priced just to make you think you got so much more.
IOW you have to look at them next to each other, figure out how big you want, and how much you want to spend, because it seems all the manufacturers make multiple models of the same size.
Anyway
OMG Baltimore’s Key bridge (I 695) hit by a ship and collapsed two hours ago
ETA footage is crazy a!most unbelievable
eclare
@Anyway:
OMG I just saw the video. The whole bridge collapsed, section by section.
David_C
I’m glad for “better.” Continued sobriety is good. Self-care is good. I hope today is one of the good ones. Totally get you about the shopping cart anxiety. Last night I dreamt that I was in church, singing a psalm at the lectern, and when I got back to my seat in the loft my hymnal was missing. A small thing for some, I guess, but still upsetting to a lot of us. Take care.
Joey Maloney
They’re calling the bridge collapse a mass casualty event. In the footage you can see there was plenty of traffic on the bridge, and it all goes into the water. Holy crap.
Ramalama
@Anathema Device:
Pardon me for this intrusive question but Are you an American living overseas? If yes are you registered to vote? It’s really easy if yes. Almost criminally easier than many precincts in person.
Also, Blogfather John please keep doing what you’re doing to keep your head above the water.
Princess
@Soprano2: Maybe you won’t see this but my sister and I have both remarked n how our step-father has been greatly helped by hooking up with the support the local Alzheimer’s society gives. He’s about to join a regular support group with them.
gene108
Glad you are doing better. Glad you have learned ways to cope, including knowing when to get help.
Antonius
Hey, that’s a pretty good day of accomplishments, John. I know it’s hard to feel it, but it’s a good sign. Hang in there.
sherparick
@Chacal Charles Calthrop: Well, that is better than my cat punching me in the face to wake me up for its breakfast. Also knocking a book off the night stand. Take care John. A day at a time and all us lurkers lending you a ear.
Paul in KY
Some jerkwad or elderly person not thinking straight probably stole your cart while you were in the bathroom. Has happened to me.
Best wishes on getting betterer and betterer!
Paul in KY
@Dangerman: Juggling 22 girlfriends and then wifey finding out is what sent Tiger “off the rails”.
Paul in KY
@karen marie: I prefer the mushrooms, as in my experience, they don’t last near as long as acid and also the ‘trip’ is milder.
You must have got some badass shrooms.
Paul in KY
@karen marie: I think LG makes the best stuff (that is in the affordable range somewhere).
Paul in KY
@Jager: Spend that money you earned! Have as much fun as you can!
Paul in KY
@Ruckus: Have a 70″ LG and jeezus pete what a picture! My 12 year old self (watching our 19″ Admiral black & white) would have had a seizure if he’d experienced that.
Paul in KY
@Joey Maloney: Horrible! Those poor people. How the fuck do you hit a bridge that’s been there 55 years and you are going 4 knots or whatever?! Plus the bridge is all lit up! Have to check on it being a criminal act, IMO.
Chat Noir
Hang in there, John! I’m rooting for you and you know everyone who reads this blog is rooting for you too. ☺️
xjmuellerlurks
Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you.
karen marie
@Ruckus: Very useful info.
Thank you all!
Sis
I’m glad you’re feeling better. There’s something really satisfying about taking action to fix anxiety instead of just waiting for it to pass. (I speak from long experience.)
Nelson
@Barry: excellent suggestion!
bluefoot
@Anne Laurie:
Oh, interesting. That makes sense re allergens triggering the same physiological signals as anxiety. That would explain a lot for me and people I know.
Ruthless
You are not alone. Been dealing with anxiety/depression issues for years. If meds help, take them. For me, they turned me into a vegetable, made me feel worse. I’ve had perhaps two nervous breakdowns the last 5 years and each time I lose a year recovering. I practice trying to maintain a positive mood costantly. Trying to be mindful of feelings of dread, saddness, helplessness, anger and force myself not to experience those emotions. They are completely justified feelings, but I have to consciously choose not to feel that way. It’s hard. I’m going through 5+ years of unnecessary custody litigation with an abusive ex and it’s accurate to say this has ruined me. I found out about 1 1/2 years ago that the reason for this case being dragged out was that the court was trying to cover up this case. I found out about 7 months ago that my ex has been secretly coordinating this with the court. So all the hell I’ve gone through was pointless and my life savings are wiped out for nothing, my credit rating is destroyed, my career is far off track. I teeter on the brink of utter despair most days, but I refuse to allow these criminals to win. I’m just coming back to this blog after years of absence, so I don’t know what you’re dealing with. But stay strong, my friend. It will get better.