Respite

Here’s an internal monologue of a completely fictional American president—President Alderidge “A.J.” Mapleson—who is confused, grandiose, and erratic. No real person is being portrayed.

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Internal Monologue of President Alderidge “A.J.” Mapleson

Where’s my nuclear football? They told me it’s always nearby, but I don’t see anything shaped like a football. Maybe it’s an actual football. Maybe they’ve been hiding it from me because they’re worried I’ll try to punt it down the hallway again. That only happened twice. People overreact.

Focus, A.J., focus. You’re the president. The President of the United States—the biggest job in the world. Or is it the second biggest? I think the CEO of MegaMart technically has more employees. I should call him. Maybe he can give me leadership tips. Or coupons.

What’s on the schedule? Something about a security briefing? Or a briefing about the briefing? Why do they brief me so much? I already know everything. I’ve read so many files, some of them twice. I could brief them if I wanted. But I won’t. Wouldn’t want to make them insecure.

Is that the Secretary of Defense coming toward me? I hope he doesn’t want an update on the “Mapleson Doctrine.” I don’t remember inventing it, but everyone keeps referencing it like I wrote it in stone tablets. Should I ask him what it is? No—no, play it cool. I’ll nod sagely. Nodding solves many problems.

I need a strong line for the speech today. Something presidential. “My fellow Americans…” Yes, good start. Then something inspiring. Maybe trees? Americans like trees. Or space. Space trees? I’ll circle back to that.

Wait—am I supposed to be in the Oval Office right now? This hallway doesn’t look oval. It looks rectangle. That’s troubling. Maybe they moved the office again. They keep rearranging things. I know they do it to keep me sharp. Or to keep me confused. Hard to tell these days.

I should announce a new initiative. Presidents announce things. “Operation… something.” Operation Lighthouse, maybe? Or Operation Lightning Shark. Yes. That sounds powerful. Dramatic. Cinematic. I’ll figure out what it actually does later, once the polls come in.

Smile, A.J. Smile with gravitas. Think majestic thoughts. Think commander-in-chief energy. Think… wait… where was I going?

Ah yes.

To lead the nation. Boldly. Confidently. And with absolutely no idea what meeting I’m walking into right now.