Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

They don’t have outfits that big. nor codpieces that small.

We can’t confuse what’s necessary to win elections with the policies that we want to implement when we do.

This is dead girl, live boy, a goat, two wetsuits and a dildo territory.  oh, and pink furry handcuffs.

People are weird.

The gop is a fucking disgrace.

Radicalized white males who support Trump are pitching a tent in the abyss.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

Republican speaker of the house Mike Johnson is the bland and smiling face of evil.

The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.

“Alexa, change the president.”

Donald Trump found guilty as fuck – May 30, 2024!

Republicans: “Abortion is murder but you can take a bus to get one.” Easy peasy.

Every one of the “Roberts Six” lied to get on the court.

Humiliatingly small and eclipsed by the derision of millions.

This chaos was totally avoidable.

Dear elected officials: Trump is temporary, dishonor is forever.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

Someone should tell Republicans that violence is the last refuge of the incompetent, or possibly the first.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

A tremendous foreign policy asset… to all of our adversaries.

Wake up. Grow up. Get in the fight.

Everything is totally normal and fine!!!

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

You are here: Home / Elections / Election 2014 / Saturday Morning Funnies Open Thread

Saturday Morning Funnies Open Thread

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From TPM:

The campaign manager for Republican congressional candidate Carl DeMaio (CA) once offered a set of tips for identifying opposition research trackers looking to catch DeMaio in a gaffe or compromising moment: if the person in question is young or black they could very well be a tracker…

The emails are the latest revelation in a campaign that has gotten national attention mostly for a former top staffer accusing DeMaio of sexual harassment and DeMaio’s staff, in response, accusing that staffer of breaking into a campaign office and also saying he was fired for a plagiarism scandal.

The email exchange reported by the Examiner on Friday started when DeMaio said he saw two trackers at an event…

Knepper has since apologized. Guess they did learn something from George Allen’s fate…

Of course, there’s still hope for 2016! [warning: Politico link]…

Sen. Rand Paul tells POLITICO that the Republican presidential candidate in 2016 could capture one-third or more of the African-American vote by pushing criminal-justice reform, school choice and economic empowerment…

Exit polls showed the GOP’s share of the African-American vote in the past six presidential elections ranged from 4 percent for John McCain in 2008 to 12 percent for Bob Dole in 1996, according to the Roper Center. Mitt Romney got 6 percent in 2012.

When pressed on his ambitious goal, Paul upped the ante: “I don’t want to limit it to that. I don’t want to say there’s only a third open. … The reason I use the number ‘a third,’ is that when you do surveys of African-American voters, a third of them are conservative on a preponderance of the issues. So, there is upside potential.”…

Pounding a message he has delivered in interview after interview, Paul said President Barack Obama and his administration have “underplayed the danger and transmissibility” of the Ebola virus and have had a “bossy, arrogant attitude.”

“Because they haven’t been really forthright about the disease, people suspect their leadership, their motives,” Paul said. “They … don’t feel like they’re being told the truth about this. … Because they so much don’t want to alarm people, I think they’ve … undersold the danger of this thing. … When you read their description [of how it is transmitted], it makes me think that they’re talking about AIDS.”…

“A month ago, I said that we should consider restricting commercial travel and visas to our country from West Africa,” Paul said.

“We should consider rescheduling international conclaves that include bringing leaders from West Africa until the contagion dies down. … Think about what happens if this gets into Third World countries in the Southern Hemisphere, it gets into countries that have no ability to stop this, how it could become a contagion in those countries.”

I do believe this falls under Mr. Pierce’s Five-Minute Rule, because I’m thinking that’s how long it took for Rand to pivot from counting up potential African-American votes to explaining that the first African-American president and his “bossy, arrogant attitude” is permitting leaders from West Africa to spread AIDS-like “contagion” in our personal hemisphere.

***********
Apart from being thankful (as always) that you’re not on Rand Paul’s team, what’s on the agenda for the day?

Reader Interactions

85Comments

  1. 1.

    Hal

    Bob Dole got 12 percent against Clinton?

    The thing is that to be a black conservative, you have to voice certain “truths” to all white audiences. Black people are brainwashed, waiting for hand outs, and completely enthralled to Dems because of welfare, food stamps etc. Paul will never be able to appeal to black voters and attract white Republicans.

    Also, per Rachel Maddow, I had no idea Paul was not board certified as an Ophthalmologist. Though he is a Ebola expert.

    In the spring of 2010 stories first swirled around Sen. Rand Paul’s certification as an ophthalmologist by an outfit called the “National Ophthalmology Board,” an entity he founded. This week I discovered that while he continues to present himself as “board certified” the NOB has been out of business since 2011, and in any event, does not under Kentucky law permit him to advertise as “board certified.”

    In 2010 Rand Paul explained that he formed the board in 1997 along with 200 young ophthalmologists to protest a decision by the American Board of Ophthalmologists to grandfather those who were certified by 1992, but to limit certification for a ten year period for those first certified after that date. Rand Paul fell within the latter group.

    He found that decision “discriminatory” and unfair so he set up the NOB along with his wife and father-in-law to certify himself. Despite calling itself “national,” it appears to have operated purely in Kentucky. The board remained in operation until 2000, when it was dissolved. It was reinstated in 2005. Since the certification story broke, the NOB again dissolved in 2011.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/right-turn/wp/2013/11/08/rand-paul-has-another-problem/

  2. 2.

    OzarkHillbilly

    No, I wish I was on his team. You know, kinda like the “enemy within”. Can you imagine the damage one could do to this grifter from within? One audio recording, of one single internal campaign meeting, any one of them, would probably do the trick.

  7. 7.

    Botsplainer

    There’s been a laughable effort from certain among Louisville pundits who originated from Appalachian areas of Eastern Kentucky (and were educated at the black hole of villainy and perfidy, the University of Kentucky, home of CorRuppt Arena). They keep pimping Paul as “in contention” in a starry-eyed way; each sees himself as the next Ron Fournier (one repeatedly lauds Fournier’s propagandistic scribbling), hitching his wagon to fortune and gravitas by being the long-time translator of Paul’s intentions and ideals.

    I’ve been enjoying toying with them.

  8. 8.

    Baud

    the Republican presidential candidate in 2016 could capture one-third or more of the African-American vote

    The problem is the GOP would lose most of their base in the process.

  10. 10.

    Splitting Image

    Sen. Rand Paul tells POLITICO that the Republican presidential candidate in 2016 could capture one-third or more of the African-American vote by pushing criminal-justice reform, school choice and economic empowerment…

    I notice he left out voting rights.

    Mr. “I Would Have Voted Against the Civil Rights Act” ain’t getting one third of shit until he walks to Canossa for that one.

    Lotta white dudebros will vote for him though. Especially the ones currently crusading for integrity in the gaming press.

  11. 11.

    Botsplainer

    @raven:

    “It’s commonly said the Queen doesn’t carry cash. It seems her American counterpart doesn’t get his wallet out too much either. Barack Obama told an audience that his credit card was rejected in a New York restaurant last month: “It turned out, I guess, I don’t use it enough.” During his term in office, Bill Clinton once had his credit card rejected too.”

    “Uh, Mr. President? This card was declined. Do you need to make a call?”

    (long string of button pushes, hold to Amex hold ads….

    CSR – “Hello there sir, My given name is Patrick McGillicuddy. I am so very much totally not within the city of Bangalore, and am nearby in the United State of Massachusetts. How may I be pleasing and helping you today?”

    PBO – “This is Barack Obama. My card…was declined. I’d like to know why.”

    CSR – “I am so very sorry to hear that sir. I shall endeavor to assist you in reconciling any issue you may be having with your card. I shall first proceed to ask you some security questions in order to verify your status as an account holder. I shall also seek to update contact information. My file says you live in the city of Chicago in the United State of … Illininoise. Is that still the location of your residence?”

  12. 12.

    Botsplainer

    @Splitting Image:

    Lotta white dudebros will vote for him though. Especially the ones currently crusading for integrity in the gaming press.

    They are totally nice guys. It’s a shame that man-hating sluts only want to date jerks.

  13. 13.

    Baud

    @Splitting Image:

    Lotta white dudebros will vote for him though.

    That’s who Paul’s after. He’s not really expecting to get a third of the black vote. He wants to lock up the white I’m-totally-not-rascist vote.

  14. 14.

    Botsplainer

    @Baud:

    That’s who Paul’s after. He’s not really expecting to get a third of the black vote. He wants to lock up the white I’m-totally-not-racist vote.

    Suburban boob job white moms are a fickle lot. Lots of furrowed brows over open racism, but less over the Paulian version.

  16. 16.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @Baud: Naaahhh… They already have captured a third of the black vote. They’re all in prison or on probation or parole and ineligible to vote. Now they want to capture another third.

  18. 18.

    Baud

    @OzarkHillbilly:

    When I was younger and stupid and there was no Internet, I used to watch the Sunday morning news shows. After Clinton won, George Will’s line was that Democrats wouldn’t have won without the minority vote. Being younger and stupid, I didn’t realize the full import of what Will was getting at with that observation. But it stuck with me, so I guess I always realized it was off in some way.

  20. 20.

    Botsplainer

    @raven:

    Cripes, look at the size of that cobra. . . .!

    “And the office mongoose is otherwise occupied with afternoon tea.”

    As to snakes, the wife has a great story about childhood in the Phillipines (her dad was a USAF officer stationed at Clark, and was attached to some DoD survey teams which were assessing the effects of Agent Orange in your neck of the woods – something he didn’t open up about until I got him drunk about 5 years ago). Anyway, it seems their cat had kittens and a black momba got into the house looking for them (very deadly) – the Filipina house help screeched for the local shotgun guy to come running and it all turned into a rather sloppy mess.

  25. 25.

    Baud

    Got a couple of news alerts that the Supreme Court has allowed Texas to enforce its voter ID laws in the midterms.

  27. 27.

    Botsplainer

    @Baud:

    They dissolved the injunction.

    We really could have used those FEMA re-education camps for white conservatives. Looks like the only thing that’s going to emerge from this administration intact is gay marriage for white glibertarian billionaires who are so inclined, and thanks to the purity brigade and Griftwald, Obama won’t even get credit for that.

    *sigh*

  28. 28.

    NotMax

    Jerry Lewis needs to come out of semi-retirement to host a telethon to eradicate Rand Paulsy.

    At the ol’ homestead, temperature has risen over 10 degrees since midnight, enough that had to plug in the fan. Outside, nary a ghost of a hint of a breath of a breeze. Proverbial calm before the storm (although it won’t be all that much of a storm here).

  29. 29.

    NotMax

    Repeating for the early morn East Coast crowd:

    Unexpected candor from an unexpected source.

    The extent of and continuing increase in inequality in the United States greatly concern me. The past several decades have seen the most sustained rise in inequality since the 19th century after more than 40 years of narrowing inequality following the Great Depression. By some estimates, income and wealth inequality are near their highest levels in the past hundred years, much higher than the average during that time span and probably higher than for much of American history before then. It is no secret that the past few decades of widening inequality can be summed up as significant income and wealth gains for those at the very top and stagnant living standards for the majority. I think it is appropriate to ask whether this trend is compatible with values rooted in our nation’s history, among them the high value Americans have traditionally placed on equality of opportunity.
    [snip]
    For families below the top, public funding plays an important role in providing resources to children that influence future levels of income and wealth. Such funding has the potential to help equalize these resources and the opportunities they confer.
     
    Social safety-net spending is an important form of public funding that helps offset disparities in family resources for children.…

    Excerpts from a speech given Friday by the head of the Federal Reserve, Janet Yellen

  32. 32.

    Morzer

    bossy, arrogant attitude

    You know, Rand, we are all well aware that you meant “uppity”. You might as well be honest and get some credit for “courage” from your racist fanbois, because the rest of us are not as dumb as you so obviously wish we were.

  33. 33.

    mai naem

    When I first heard the name Dallas Presbyterian, I vaguely remembered it seeing the name related to George W. Bush but I wasn’t sure. Anyhow, I googled it and sure enough Texas Presbyterian is where he had his cardiac procedure done. I was just a little surprised when I googled it, the other thing that came up was that he had his knee done several months later at Rush in Chicago. I know different docs have privileges at certain hospitals and different hospitals are known for different specialties, but I would think if you can, you want stuff done at the same hospital because they have your history. It just makes me wonder if something happened at Presby the first time around. And,yes, I know the cardiac piece was more of an emergency kind of procedure(I think it was found during a physical not because he was symptomatic)than the knee.

  36. 36.

    Morzer

    @mai naem:

    I am sure there’s a good joke in there somewhere about how in Texas you don’t have to be one of the elected to be a Presbyterian….

  38. 38.

    Citizen_X

    bossy, arrogant attitude

    Yup, gonna get a lot of black votes with that “How close can I get to calling him uppity?” challenge you’ve got going there, Randy.

  39. 39.

    Botsplainer

    ZMAPP wouldn’t be possible without LOTS of government investment.

    From wiki:

    The ZMapp drug is being developed by Leaf Biopharmaceutical Inc., based in San Diego.[9][10] MB-003 was created by Mapp Biopharmaceutical Inc., based in San Diego, with years of funding from US government agencies including the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority, and the Defense Threat Reduction Agency.[1][11] The production methods used to manufacture ZMapp were funded by Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.[12]

    ZMab was created by Defyrus, a Toronto-based biodefense company, based on years of funding from the Public Health Agency of Canada.[13] The identification of the optimal components from MB-003 and ZMab was carried out at the Public Health Agency of Canada’s National Microbiology Laboratory in Winnipeg.[14]

    Left to its devices, Big Pharma would have spent all of its resources on advertising contracts for boner pills, newer, better boob implants and anti-fart pills.

  40. 40.

    PurpleGirl

    @NotMax: I believe that her ability to see and comment with honesty was part of the reason people wanted her to be appointed head of the Federal Reserve. I don’t think Greenspan or Berrnanke would have said something along those lines — Greenspan never would and Bernanke as a long shot.

  41. 41.

    Cervantes

    The campaign manager for Republican congressional candidate Carl DeMaio (CA) once offered a set of tips for identifying opposition research trackers looking to catch DeMaio in a gaffe or compromising moment: if the person in question is young or black they could very well be a tracker…

    Honestly, this is a sorry excuse for a scandal.

    If we have to have Republicans, and campaigns, and (non-Republican) trackers, then, given the behavior of the Republican Party, any sentient Republican knows (along with the rest of us) that African-Americans, by and large, are not fans. Probability is not certainty but it is probability, and saying so in an internal campaign communication — or even in public — strikes me as utterly banal.

    Of course, any sentient Democrat also knows that an African-American tracker at a Republican event is noticeable and likely identifiable as such; so the presence of one may be meant to rattle, which is not the same thing as being a “tracker” (as I understand it).

    So what’s the scandal?

    The real scandal is the behavior of the Republican Party, outrageous to the point where reasonable people can reasonably infer that, by and large, African-Americans are unlikely to be sincere Republicans.

  42. 42.

    Cervantes

    @PurpleGirl: Exactly.

    And Greenspan is not on the same page, or in the same book, or even using the same language. He is probably offended and repulsed by her comments, maybe even baffled.

  43. 43.

    WereBear

    @Citizen_X: bossy, arrogant attitude

    This soooooo puzzled me when I first started hearing it. Whut? President Obama has a very low key, cooperative, style. He can be forceful, but never bossy or arrogant. (As a Dad, I’m sure he’s one of those logical, you’ve-disappointed-me kinds.)

    But then someone pointed out it was a code for “uppity” and it all became clear. Any African American can be seen that way by racists, even if all the person is doing is breathing.

  44. 44.

    burnspbesq

    It pains me to say this, but I kinda hope DeMaio wins. He’s a despicable piece of business, 100 percent owned by Doug Manchester, but he can’t do nearly as much damage as one of 435 Congresscritters than he could as the one and only Mayor of San Diego.

  45. 45.

    FlipYrWhig

    @WereBear: You know who oozes smirky arrogance and unearned superiority? Rand Fucking Paul, every time he opens the mouth on his fool head.

  46. 46.

    burnspbesq

    Two more Republican state AGs yesterday announced that they would not appeal District Court rulings in marriage equality cases: AZ and WY.

    AK is apparently still going forward with its appeal.

  47. 47.

    I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet

    One for JC: OMG!!! Obama hugged Ebola doctors and an Ebola patient!!111 (includes 4:34 video):

    Today, I want to take a few minutes to speak with you – directly and clearly – about Ebola: what we’re doing about it, and what you need to know. Because meeting a public health challenge like this isn’t just a job for government. All of us – citizens, leaders, the media – have a responsibility and a role to play. This is a serious disease, but we can’t give in to hysteria or fear – because that only makes it harder to get people the accurate information they need. We have to be guided by the science. We have to remember the basic facts.

    First, what we’re seeing now is not an “outbreak” or an “epidemic” of Ebola in America. We’re a nation of more than 300 million people. To date, we’ve seen three cases of Ebola diagnosed here – the man who contracted the disease in Liberia, came here and sadly died; the two courageous nurses who were infected while they were treating him. Our thoughts and our prayers are with them, and we’re doing everything we can to give them the best care possible. Now, even one infection is too many. At the same time, we have to keep this in perspective. As our public health experts point out, every year thousands of Americans die from the flu.

    Second, Ebola is actually a difficult disease to catch. It’s not transmitted through the air like the flu. You cannot get it from just riding on a plane or a bus. The only way that a person can contract the disease is by coming into direct contact with the bodily fluids of somebody who is already showing symptoms. I’ve met and hugged some of the doctors and nurses who’ve treated Ebola patients. I’ve met with an Ebola patient who recovered, right in the Oval Office. And I’m fine.

    […]

    (Emphasis added.)

    Likely story, amirite?!!1?

    He should stay in locked up in the White House like Jimmy Carter did during the Iran Hostage Crisis. That’s what a real leader does. Bo and Sunny, also too. Just to be sure. We really don’t know if they might all be carriers. I read on NewsMaxxx that Portuguese Water Dog sneezes can transmit Ebola to humans. Then again, maybe they should move out of the White House temporarily so that it can be decontaminated. For their own safety. I hear that his homeland of Kenya is a nice place to visit. Sure it would be a little inconvenient, but Congress could come back into session to appropriate some funds to cover his expenses. It’s just to be sure, and would help calm the hysteria before more draconian measures are needed. It shouldn’t take more than 825 days to make sure the White House is clean and safe. That would be real bipartisan leadership!!1 Amirite?!?! Who’s with John me?!?!!11

    ;-p

    Cheers,
    Scott.
    (Who can’t resist piling on sometimes, though he should… ;-)

  50. 50.

    Glidwrith

    @burnspbesq: Dude, go hop off a short pier. I don’t have to put up with that bastard Hunter anymore, since they redrew the districts. Peters’ office listens when I call in and you are going to blithely consign me to having another bastard Thug represent my district?

  51. 51.

    Botsplainer

    @Baud:

    Elitistism is the evilest manifestation of stupid Marxist socialist communist Muslin Wall Street coddling Kenyan anticolonial Islamofascism.

    Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers too, see if I don’t.

  52. 52.

    Baud

    @Botsplainer:

    communist Muslin Wall Street coddling

    First thing Wikipedia says about muslin.

    Not to be confused with Muslim.

    Another interesting muslin fact.

    It gets its name from the city of Mosul, Iraq, where it was first manufactured.

  53. 53.

    Southern Beale

    Hilarious:

    Senator Lamar Alexander on Friday released the following statement about the president’s appointment of Ron Klain to serve as coordinator of the administration’s Ebola response:

    “The president already has too many White House staff ‘czars’ who are not accountable to Congress. I urged the president two weeks ago to designate immediately an individual to coordinate a more urgent Ebola response.

    “I had in mind a cabinet-level official with the skills of a four-star general or admiral who had a broad public health background and would be accountable to Congress.

    Someone, maybe, like the SURGEON GENERAL we don’t have because you filibustered his nomination???

  58. 58.

    Botsplainer

    @Baud:

    I’m completely embarrassed. I totes forgot to add “atheist” to the Muslin Kenyan Islamofascist thing. Forgot Frank Wright as his real father who should be on the Kenyan birth certificate also too.

  60. 60.

    Mike in NC

    Somebody needs to inform douchebag Doctor-Senator Rand Paul that he has exactly zero chance of getting elected to any office higher than where he is today, thanks to the moron voters in the state of Kentucky.

  61. 61.

    Plantsmantx

    “… when you do surveys of African-American voters, a third of them are conservative on a preponderance of the issues. So, there is upside potential.”

    He just doesn’t get it, does he?

  67. 67.

    RaflW

    Knepper: I apologize for my inappropriate and offensive comments, which do not reflect me or my values or the values of this campaign.

    Bullshit. You were saying exactly what you think. Those are your values. They may not be the campaigns, but since you run the thing (for now) they probably kinda are.

  68. 68.

    Frankensteinbeck

    Sen. Rand Paul tells POLITICO that the Republican presidential candidate in 2016 could capture one-third or more of the African-American vote

    I’m not black myself, but isn’t this the ultimate in whitesplainin’? The GOP may have treated you like shit for decades, graduating up to treating you like an enemy who must be destroyed today, leveling constant racist attacks on the president in this very same article and cheering people like ‘Let Me Tell You What I Know About The Negro’ Bundy…

    …but hey, if they just claim they’re going to address some of the ways you’re being fucked over you’ll totally leap into their open arms. I would ask how stupid they think you are, but they do actually think you’re stupid. It’s kinda the point of racism.

  72. 72.

    Villago Delenda Est

    Commenter voreason over at TPM summed up this best:

    Because, obviously, young people and black people are the enemy.

  77. 77.

    g

    Paul said President Barack Obama and his administration have “underplayed the danger and transmissibility” of the Ebola virus and have had a “bossy, arrogant attitude.”

    Bossy and arrogant attitude. And he fails to lead, too!

    Jeebus. Why doesn’t Paul just say “uppity” and have done with it?

  79. 79.

    g

    @Southern Beale: Maybe we need someone who’s an experienced manager, who understands how procurement works at the federal level, who knows how to navigate federal budgets, who’s a good logistician. Then we can let the medical experts concentrate on what they’re the best at. I don’t see a problem having a “Czar” who doesn’t have a medical background – the only problem I have with it is the term “Czar.”

    What’s the real title, anyway? Surely “Czar” isn’t a civil service title?

  80. 80.

    Cervantes

    @WereBear: Other than Ginsburg’s dissent, joined by Sotomayor and Kagan, no one else said anything for the record, other than that the application had been denied.

  82. 82.

    catclub

    @WereBear: also, ‘arrogant attitude’ simply means ‘thinks he is right about things,’ which is the same as every damn person on this earth.

  83. 83.

    Tehanu

    @catclub:

    ‘arrogant attitude’ simply means ‘thinks he is right about things,’ which is the same as every damn person on this earth.

    Not quite. It means “black man thinks he is right about things, which obviously can’t be true.” Or shorter several other people on this thread above, “Uppity uppity uppity…”

  85. 85.

    rikyrah

    @Frankensteinbeck:

    I’m not black myself, but isn’t this the ultimate in whitesplainin’? The GOP may have treated you like shit for decades, graduating up to treating you like an enemy who must be destroyed today, leveling constant racist attacks on the president in this very same article and cheering people like ‘Let Me Tell You What I Know About The Negro’ Bundy…

    tis true. it is the ultimate in whitesplainin.

    you aren’t wrong.

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