Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Bark louder, little dog.

They spent the last eight months firing professionals and replacing them with ideologues.

The republican caucus is covering themselves with something, and it is not glory.

Dear legacy media: you are not here to influence outcomes and policies you find desirable.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

It is possible to do the right thing without the promise of a cookie.

You would normally have to try pretty hard to self-incriminate this badly.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

Boeing: repeatedly making the case for high speed rail.

Hi god, it’s us. Thanks a heap, you’re having a great week and it’s only Thursday!

We can show the world that autocracy can be defeated.

“Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.”

DeSantis transforming Florida into 1930s Germany with gators and theme parks.

Hey hey, RFK, how many kids did you kill today?

If you can’t control your emotions, someone else will.

Every reporter and pundit should have to declare if they ever vacationed with a billionaire.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

Republicans do not trust women.

“But what about the lurkers?”

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

We are builders in a constant struggle with destroyers. keep building.

Trump’s cabinet: like a magic 8 ball that only gives wrong answers.

If you’re gonna whine, it’s time to resign!

Stand up, dammit!

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Cat Blogging / How to Restrain Your Dragon

How to Restrain Your Dragon

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So after the Shitmas episode on Christmas, I made an appointment to take Steve to the groomer yesterday, but I had to cancel it because the circle of trust has been irreparably broken for a while and I could not find him. I called and cancelled and said I will try to capture him today and bring him in for some manscaping.

Fortunately for me, last night, when Steve thought I was asleep, I watched him slide open the closet door in my bedroom, go in, and close it behind him. For months I have been yelling at Thurston for going into the closet because the door was always open. Now I know who the real culprit is, though, and no, I am not going to apologize to Thurston. I’m sure he did something else that deserved a yelling.

At any rate, I caught him this morning, took him to the groomers, and when I came back he was still being worked on so I took the opportunity to take some pictures. This is what I saw:

Normally when I come back to the groomer, he looks like he has acquired a thousand yard stare from months of trench warfare, but this time he said Steve was a gentleman and very well behaved. Maybe after the indignity of Shitmas, this was nothing bad for Steve.

He currently is napping in his cat tree and appears to be happy, so he might let me live.

Reader Interactions

72Comments

  2. 2.

    Rosalita

    In spite of having to go to the groomers, I bet he feels better after the manscaping. Having dingle-berries stuck to you all the time is not at all dignified

  5. 5.

    Feathers

    The catface of understanding. There is no good, there is no bad, there is only cat.

    That said, shitmas reminded me that although I love my friends’ longhair cats, and lived happily with Licorice, my former roommate’s longhair, when my situation again allows me to have a cat, it will be a shorthair. I miss my Loopie.

  6. 6.

    m.j.

    He’s obviously plotting revenge.
    If only the Democratic party could do the same.
    …and yes, that should be the mindset. I will not accept this absurdity. I will not.

  8. 8.

    KG

    Normally when I come back to the groomer, he looks like he has acquired a thousand yard stare from months of trench warfare, but this time he said Steve was a gentleman and very well behaved. Maybe after the indignity of Shitmas, this was nothing bad

    It took me three readings to figure out you meant that the groomer normally looks shell shocked, not Steve.

  11. 11.

    blackcatsrule

    Did you take these pictures…they’re wonderful. You can really see his beautiful markings and colors.

  17. 17.

    Anne Laurie

    As long as Steve’s gonna be an outdoor cat, free to go snack on whatever wherever, it might be a wise move to make a regular appointment to update his ‘grooming trim’ (keep his butt/groin clipped close). It’ll be easier for Steve to take if it’s just one of those unfortunate human-centric things that happen every couple months… and easier for you if “Shitmas, the Sequel” can be avoided!

  19. 19.

    sherparick

    @PaulWartenberg2016: Or he is thinking “I hated shitmas and this whole grooming thing, but I must admit that it is kind of nice not to be covered in shit and stinking to high heavan.”

  21. 21.

    CaseyL

    I watched him slide open the closet door in my bedroom, go in, and close it behind him.

    I’m impressed enough that Steve opens the closet door for himself. That he also closes it behind him is really impressive. Not merely the act, but the conceptual understanding of the action.

    @KG:

    It took me three readings to figure out you meant that the groomer normally looks shell shocked, not Steve.

    ..and I didn’t pick up on that until I read your comment!

    Steve’s whiskers are tipped forward and his pupils not insanely dilated, which to me looks like a cat at ease with the world. He also looks very, very handsome.

  24. 24.

    Wallis Lane

    That is one magnificent feline.

    That sequence of pictures looks like when they film a gradual closeup of the murderer’s face in a choppy edit, usually set to the music from the Psycho shower scene. Be very afraid, John.

  28. 28.

    K488

    Steve is a gorgeous beast. He looks like a giant reincarnation of our late beloved Tim, who lived 19 years with us. And who provided us with a variety of Shitmasses as well…

  30. 30.

    MomSense

    Are you sure you feel safe going to sleep tonight given the expression on Steve’s face? I think he is plotting his revenge.

    Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  32. 32.

    BillinGlendaleCA

    @John Cole in OP:

    so he might let me live.

    I’d still sleep with one eye open just to be on the safe side.

  33. 33.

    Patricia Kayden

    Opening and closing closet doors. Hmmmmm. Not sure how I feel about that. What happens when he knocks out and pushes Cole into the closet? Nah.

  37. 37.

    b1narys3rf

    You’re surprised the cat opens and closes doors and made the dog the fall guy?

    I worry about you. You probably still think one of you other house-mammals is the alpha. Better give Steve extra tuna especially now that he’s not gonna mess himself, and so you don’t get smothered soon.

  39. 39.

    JaneE

    Cats do like to be clean. After the shock wears off, they realize that the stupid human was only trying to help them get clean. I second the idea to have his nether parts trimmed for fewer dingleberries. We know it is time for another trim when we find “presents” dropped around the house. When Scooter runs out of the box at full tilt, it is a sure thing that a dingleberry is after him, and if we are lucky he will shake it off on the tile, because the carpet is catsh*t brown.

  44. 44.

    Mary G

    My cat Shiloh is extremely smart. He goes into the kitchen cabinets or the linen closet during the day and closes the doors behind him. He also figured out how to open the back door if the deadbolt isn’t on. And he has been trying to turn that.

  46. 46.

    3Jane Tessier-Ashpool (a/k/a Lorinda Pike)

    @JaneE: Some don’t like to even be close to anything they consider “nasty”. Our Sage (who, coincidentally also has the nickname “Scooter”) is a rather small cat, although she is eight years old. She is extremely picky about the litterbox, which she shares with her sister. If in the middle of the day it is not absolutely pristine, she will begin to whizz, then lift her delicate tuches above the edge of the box, resulting in a kitty-pee river on the floor. I think she knows she’s done something wrong, because when that happens (after she tries to “cover up” the resulting river) she dashes out of the laundry room like her booty is on fire. I know I probably need two boxes, but they would both go in them, which would defeat the purpose.

    Yep, I’m lucky that floor is tile also…

  47. 47.

    Pogonip

    @rikyrah: He looks happy to me. Ears pretty much upright, no snarl. It probably felt good to get rid of the rest of the dingleberries.

  50. 50.

    Pogonip

    @3Jane Tessier-Ashpool (a/k/a Lorinda Pike): P.S. Wasn’t it Cole who said that as a child his sister named a cat Mr. Fluffypants or something similar? This demands the question: why is Steve, of all critters, not called Mr. Fluffypants? Or is he? Is his full name Steven Fluffypants?

    AAAADAAAAMMMM! We need an analysis!

  51. 51.

    EL

    @Pogonip:

    I am glad to hear that the groomer is napping in the cat tree and will probably let you live.

    Priceless!

    On par with “Let’s eat Grandma.” vs. “Let’s eat, Grandma.”

  52. 52.

    Fair Economist

    Fortunately for me, last night, when Steve thought I was asleep, I watched him slide open the closet door in my bedroom, go in, and close it behind him.

    That’s downright – scary.

    Do you think he realized he was getting Thurston punished for things he did, too?

  55. 55.

    StringOnAStick

    Damn, Steve is a handsome beast. I love long haired Torbies. And he’s smart enough to figure out how to open the closet and close it, just so some dog doesn’t come in and act all barbaric with that nose up the butt routine that dogs do and cats find utterly appalling. That’s a smart cat.

  56. 56.

    Pogonip

    @StringOnAStick: We had one that, when the neighbor’s dog sniffed, would always say “Prrrt?” in a politely inquiring tone. I guess “Prrrt?” equaled “My butt and I are fine, thank you; how are you today?”

  57. 57.

    RepubAnon

    @3Jane Tessier-Ashpool (a/k/a Lorinda Pike): I have one litterbox for each of my cat, plus one as a spare. One is a self-cleaning box – which even works sometimes. They each have one that they consider their own – and sometimes have contests over who can be the last one to use the neutral zone box.

    Re Steve “Fluffykins” Cole, I agree – that cat is plotting revenge. Steve’s probably reading How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You right now for inspiration… (Example: does your cat dig excessively in its litterbox? It’s practicing how to hide the body…)

  60. 60.

    debbie

    Speaking of dragons, I’m about to finish the second season of Game of Thrones. I want one of those baby dragons!

  62. 62.

    Aleta

    Have a nice story about a mail order animal supply co. I ordered a couple of inserts for cat heating pads. I had an old one that lasted 15-20 years (used occ. for old or sick cats). (The cat ones are only very low heat, only switch on if cat gets on.)

    New ones came today but not ideal, so I called Ch*wy co. to return. Got instant refund and was asked to donate the heaters to a cat rescue or a person in need.

  65. 65.

    seaboogie

    Planning a 5-day trip for my Dad’s wedding mid-Jan, and 21-y-o cat is kind of dodgy, health-wise. Landlord will tend her, but her appetite waxes and wanes and she’s getting pretty scrawny. That said, she’s kind of like the Energizer Bunny – she does keep going and going, and rallies when I most fear we are nearing her end – for a few years now.

    I contacted our vet who is nearby, and – if necessary – they will come out to euthanize her in my absence. Kind of the ultimate house call, and another vet did it for my eponymous Seamus pup so I didn’t have to move the big fella while he was dying. One of the many advantages of living in a rural-ish community, that has a sense of community.

    Also in the interesting position of clearing a space in my freezer in case said kitty needs to be put down while I’m away and she needs to be parked there for a bit. Travel plans always a bit complicated, and in some situations, moreso.

    I worried about this maybe 6 months ago, and Zoe rallied. Could be doing this 6 months from now. She’s not a great cat, companion-wise, but I really admire her resilience and persistence.

  66. 66.

    phoebes from highland park

    Steve is a true beauty and I’m glad he’s cleaned up. I bet he’s glad, too.

  69. 69.

    Pogonip

    @Roger Moore: Patrick McManus noted that a natural leader will emerge in any group, and that the reason humanity gets into so much trouble is that natural leaders often have an intelligence level somewhere below bowling balls. This certainly seems to have been true of the Donner Party, and, I believe, explains a lot about the history of the Middle East.

  71. 71.

    Gemina13

    @John Cole:

    I think the pictures look damn good. And Steve is a beautiful cat – he’s got gorgeous eyes. Must be a feature of Maine Coons; a good friend has one, and his eyes are just as lovely:

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