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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Imaginary Conversations (Open Thread)

Imaginary Conversations (Open Thread)

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I was hospitalized for several days recently, and the experience was exactly like an alien abduction-themed horror movie. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy for saying that, the way my husband did. It really, really was!

It’s true that I entered the facility of my own free will (and was not plucked off the surface of the planet via tractor beam), albeit under duress due to a weakened state. But after that, things spiraled completely out of my control, and I was a specimen in my captors’ hands.

The next thing I knew, I was lying in a darkened room, tethered to beeping, whirring machines, and clad in an absurd smock that was apparently designed to expose the wearer’s ass unless awkwardly held closed with both hands. What in the wide world of FUCK?

And if I managed to lapse into sleep despite the terrors of my captivity, masked creatures would swoop into my cubicle to stab me with needles and/or bundle me off for scans or probes. It was horrifying. HORRIFYING! I don’t want to talk about it.

***

I read the NYT pretty much cover to cover every day during my…sabbatical. I know, the NYT, but the app was right there on my phone, and there was no streaming TV on the alien vessel, only cable. I could only watch so many back-to-back episodes of “Guy’s Grocery Games” on Food Network without completely losing my mind. Feh!

Anyhoo, the fucking NYT and its abysmal opinion page — I was immersed in it, which is worse than infinite grocery games, to be honest. Weirdly, Friedman is making more sense than he has in two decades or so? That was surprising.

Also, I didn’t think a rhetorical gambit could lower my opinion of the contemptible ninny Bret Stephens, but I was wrong. This preamble to an “interview”-style column on 3/12 did:

I’ve argued that Israel has no choice but to destroy Hamas as an effective fighting force. Here I imagine a conversation with an intelligent critic of that view.

In other words, what that lazy-ass motherfucker did was set up strawman objections to his preferred Israeli policy and kick them over. Sweet tap-dancing Christ!

But I figured since this mode of argument is acceptable to the Times, I’d submit one of my own arguing that they should fire Stephens and replace him with me.

Here I imagine a conversation with a Times hiring manager:

Stephens has degrees from prestigious institutions, including the University of Chicago and the London School of Economics, plus extensive editorial experience at top-tier publications and a Pulitzer Prize. Why should we shitcan Stephens and replace him with you, an obscure Floridian who writes for a sub-top-10K blog who has only a bachelor’s degree from an SEC football school?

For one thing, I wouldn’t disgrace NYT op-ed real estate with a lame-ass strawman demolition derby like Stephens just did. Even if you don’t hire me, you should fire him for cause. But you should hire me because I guarantee you what I’d write would be more interesting and relevant than that sloppy shit sandwich Stephens served up. Even if it was just a description of assembling an IKEA credenza. Stephens is objectively terrible!

Stephens has a contract and would lawyer up if we summarily fired him. How could we justify the expense that would entail?

I live among Trump voters, so I could be your diner story connection without the expense of transporting an employee to the hinterlands and paying them a per diem. In the long run, it would be a money saver even if you had to buy Stephens out. Plus, you’d be getting rid of a tiresome bore. That would likely improve morale and expand your subscriber base.

That sounds terrific! We were paying Stephens $450,000 per year. Is that salary acceptable to you?

No. I’m at least 10 times as good as Stephens, plus I’m not an embarrassing climate change-denying hack, so I should make 10 times more.

You drive a hard bargain, Betty Cracker, but $4.5 million is reasonable, so welcome aboard!

Well, that worked out even better for me than Stephens’ imaginary conversation did for him. Woot! We’ll see if they print it.

Open thread!

Reader Interactions

203Comments

  3. 3.

    Matt McIrvin

    Indeed, one could argue that the experience of hospitalization is the *origin* of many aspects of the classic alien-abduction horror story.

    Glad to see you back!

  4. 4.

    SpaceUnit

    Glad you’re okay.  Good to see you’re back

     

    ETA:  The hospital is a lousy place to be, especially when you’re not feeling well.

  5. 5.

    Jackie

    SOOOOO WONDERFUL to hear from you, BettyCracker!!!

    I won’t probe (sounds like you had enough of those, already!) just delighted you’re feeling well enough to post with your usual aplomb!

  7. 7.

    Yarrow

    So good to see you back here again! Sending good thoughts for swift healing and better times ahead.

    Hospitals totally suck. I’m very sorry were an inmate.

  10. 10.

    HinTN

    You’ll need an agent, Ms Cracker. I think 10% plus expenses is reasonable. Welcome back.

  11. 11.

    MattF

    Yeah, the hospital experience is… unpleasant. Been there. Very happy to hear from you. Hydrate!

    ETA: And if they try to bill you for things that happened while you were unconscious, don’t pay! It’s the paradigmatic example of an ‘unexpected expense’.

  12. 12.

    Frankensteinbeck

    I’ve argued that Israel has no choice but to destroy Hamas as an effective fighting force.

    Israel has no choice but to destroy Hamas as an effective fighting force.  Instead Bibi decided to render Gaza uninhabitable.  It’s going to come back and bite Israel in the ass, hard.  Hamas are evil motherfuckers and Netenyahu did exactly what they wanted.

  13. 13.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    Welcome back!

    Weirdly, Friedman is making more sense than he has in two decades or so? That was surprising

    That’s probably the influence of the medications, messing with your cognition.

  16. 16.

    Chief Oshkosh

    Glad you’re back, Betty C. Hope no long-term issues, either health- or alien-related.

  17. 17.

    Yutsano

    Welcome back to existence! I can confirm little to nothing has changed. Except you may not have heard, but did you know Biden is OOOOOOLD???

  21. 21.

    SteveinPHX

    Holy shit! Glad you’re back! Glad you survived! Those hospitals can be horror shows.

    Are you sure you weren’t taken to Roswell?

  22. 22.

    JustRuss

    Congrats to both you and the hospital for surviving your ordeal.  I’m guessing there was trauma on both sides.

     

    Also, you’re worth way more than 4.5 mill.  And the Times doesn’t deserve you.

  24. 24.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Joining the chorus to welcome you back, Betty! We’ve missed you. Don’t push yourself, but please do post when you can.

    Fuck it, push yourself.  It’s all about us, and we need your posts!

  25. 25.

    Steve in the ATL

    Here I imagine a conversation

    In what universe does ANYONE want to read this sort of thing? Maybe if Mel Brooks was the one imagining it.

    from an SEC football school

    LOL—did the aliens take you back in time to the 90’s?

    [confidential to Betty Cracker: zing!]

  26. 26.

    Ohio Mom

    I’d heard Freidman was making sense these days but force of habit, I continue to scroll past him. Ages ago when I was a normie, I read From Beirut to Jerusalem and it all seemed self-evident to me.

    Anyway, welcome back. I hope your recovery continues apace.

  27. 27.

    Raoul Paste

    “… 4.5 million is reasonable, and welcome aboard“
    So the drugs haven’t worn off yet?

    Very glad that you are back,

  28. 28.

    Jay

    So glad you are back and healthy enough to post. We all missed you and were worried about you.

  29. 29.

    Layer8Problem

    You’re better, right?  We were really worried!  And we didn’t know where to send a fruit basket!

  30. 30.

    CaseyL

    Yay yay YAY!  You’re back!  When WaterGirl hadn’t heard from you for a couple of days, we started to get seriously worried.  I hope all is well now, or at least under control.

    If you got a job with FTFNYT, I’d read everything you wrote.  (I don’t have a subscription, but my employer does and we all have online access.)  You would absolutely be more interesting, as you are a vastly better writer.  Quite honestly, I think your snark would invigorate any editorial page that dared publish you.

    It is so so good to have you back.

  32. 32.

    rikyrah

    Betty C….

     

    So happy to see that you are on the mend. You have been missed. But, you stay on the mend. We can miss you some more until you are fully back on your feet.

  33. 33.

    Martin

    @Frankensteinbeck: Yep. Destroying Hamas is not a position anyone is arguing against. *How* you do that matters, though, and there are many ways to succeed in that, and many ways to fail. Bibi is choosing one that fails. The one that fails the hardest, IMO. There are at least strategies that fail to destroy Hamas, but keeps global opinion of Israel intact. This is one that doesn’t just fail to address insurgency against Israel (whether called Hamas or something else) but is setting up a crisis (a famine) where Israel cannot avoid being tagged as a villain and world powers cannot avoid acting.

  34. 34.

    Baud

    It’s hilarious that intelligent critics of Bret Stephens don’t want to talk to him.

  35. 35.

    WaterGirl

    Yay, Betty!  So glad to see your post.  At least the aliens didn’t steal your writing abilities while you were in captivity.  Those bastards often don’t know where to draw the line.

  36. 36.

    Steve in the ATL

    Also, for those keeping my dossier up to date, after last night’s disappointing Bulgarian cab (ha—what were the actual reasonable expectations for that!), I am trying a Hungarian Blau Frankisch in preparation for a trip to Budapest. Or possibly just to deal with a long work week, which concluded with an hour-long conversation with a lawyer in New Jersey.  Maybe I should hit the tequila….

  37. 37.

    Martin

    Looks like Pence found another nut:

    Pence says he ‘cannot in good conscience’ endorse Trump

    Who knew he had it in him.

  38. 38.

    Chief Oshkosh

    @satby:

    …because he’s fast turning them into a pariah state.

    Yep. He seems to have lost a lot of support of European and US citizens. Not sure about Asian citizens. I suspect a lot of that support is gone forever, whether or not the Israelis get rid of Bibi.

  39. 39.

    bbleh

    They don’t actually pay the Bretbug that much, do they?

    I swear, the Sulzbergers seem more like the Romanovs every day …

  40. 40.

    Steve in the ATL

    @WaterGirl:
     

    At least the aliens didn’t steal your writing abilities

    The aliens have mastered interstellar travel, but they don’t have technology anywhere near that powerful!

  44. 44.

    Miss Bianca

    BETTY!!

    OMG, we missed you! Welcome back!

    Wow, so IIUC, Friedman has moved on from his imaginary cab driver friends and joined us in the real world, and Bret Stephens has totally morphed into Franz K and is having conversations with himself about Israel? Do I have that right?

  45. 45.

    espierce

    Welcome back, neighbor!

    Also too, glad I didn’t  have to drive up to Citrus County and break you out of the hospital.

  46. 46.

    Tony Jay

    Welcome back, Madam Cracker!

    The next thing I knew, I was lying in a darkened room, tethered to beeping, whirring machines, and clad in an absurd smock that was apparently designed to expose the wearer’s ass unless awkwardly held closed with both hands.

    An Evening with The Cawthorns?

  47. 47.

    Quiltingfool

    Yay!  You’re back!  Your description of the hospital gown reminded me of my hospital gown experience last year!  Those poor aides saw my fat white hiney too many times, for which I apologized (poor things).  lol!

    I hope you are better and I know you will get much better at home.

    If the NYT hired you, I’d probably renew my subscription.

  49. 49.

    Wombat Probability Cloud

    So glad you’re doing better and I hope you continue to heal. Clearly your sense of humor is undamaged. With DougJ as a reference, I’m sure you’ll land a NYT spot and can give Alexandra Petri some friendly competition. Really, though, whom do you have to know to land a guest editorial?

  50. 50.

    Mr. Bemused Senior

    @Baud: Imagine the wall to wall news coverage if a Dem of that stature refused to endorse Biden.

    “Stature” is not a word I normally associate with Mike Pence.

    P.S. Welcome back BC.

  51. 51.

    grandmaBear

    @SpaceUnit: and what’s more, hospitals are full of sick people! And noise and constant light. Although the last time I stayed in one the food was pretty good. I was shocked.

    Delighted you’re back BC! Take care.

  55. 55.

    Princess

    I think no one who was in his cabinet has endorsed Trump.

    Glad to see you escaped the aliens, Betty…for now.

  58. 58.

    Baud

    Seriously, I bet Biden callS Pence and may say some nice things about him personally.  Biden knows how to play the game.

  59. 59.

    Bupalos

    Pence pointedly declining to endorse Trump might actually leave a mark.

    That’s actually fairly impressive. I mean, in a different universe it’s like “no shit the dude Trump encouraged a mob to hang didn’t ensorse him.” In this one it’s like “wow, profiles in courage do still happen.”

  60. 60.

    Joy in FL

    I’m glad to see a post from you.
    I hope your abduction cured every possible ailment for at least the next 75 years : )

  61. 61.

    japa21

    Join in the chorus of welcome back.  Disregard Subaru Diane’s comment, and take it easy.  It really isn’t all about us.

    Well, maybe a little.  The other FPers held down the post, but your caustic writing has been truly missed.

  62. 62.

    Jackie

    @Baud:

    Imagine the wall to wall news coverage if a Dem of that stature refused to endorse Biden.

    Pence did make his announcement on faux! It’s probably wall to wall coverage in RW news circles – I don’t watch them, so just spitballing. MAGAts are probably threatening to hang him.

  63. 63.

    sab

    @grandmaBear: I woke up during my cardiac ablation, and rock music was blasting and everyone but the cardiologist was dancing! The cardiologist had to point out to the anesthetist that I was awake. I guess they dance to stay warm because they only wear scrubs and they have to refrigerate the room because the equipment runs toasty.

    Still unsettling to ibow that is what goes on when you’re out of it.

  65. 65.

    Jeffro

    btw J Rubs’ piece about Biden’s and the Dems’ advantages is now up on the WaPo

    It’s good!  Take heart, happy warriors – we have work ahead of us, but we have a lot going for us too!

    First, Biden has self-awareness. He knows he is old and can joke about it. He and his team understand just how underestimated he is, making it easy to defy expectations. His opening ad was a tour de force in self-deprecation. A little self-awareness and a sense of humor go a long way, as evidenced by the edgier Biden media operation

    Trump, by contrast, fails to grasp when he is babbling, giving ammunition to his opponent or further incriminating himself. (The lack of self-awareness shows throughout the Republican Party and leads to missteps, such as the ridiculed response to the State of the Union.) Trump’s cluelessness might become more damaging to him as time goes on. His temper tantrums in courtrooms and boasts about his tyrannical agenda hurt him outside of his hardcore base. In sum, one campaign is flying blind, utterly dependent on a narcissistic figure degenerating under pressure; the other can adjust, improvise and compensate.

    Second, Biden has concrete advantages in resources. He landed a mammoth fundraising haul after the State of the Union, and none of his reserves need to be diverted toward astronomical legal bills. He has cohesive and functioning state parties, unlike trump, and an impressive state-by-state operation to turn out the vote and marshal volunteers, something Trump also lacks so far. Biden hit the airwaves with a $30 million ad buy and has already staffed personnel in key states. Biden’s ability to travel anywhere he wants (and hence run a more, not less, vigorous campaign than Trump) and tout popular projects will also bolster him as the election draws near.

    Biden also benefits from the enormously effective surrogates such as Jill Biden and the more combative, confident VP Harris who connects with key parts of the Democrats’ base. That’s not to mention polished members of the administration and other elected Democrats (from Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg to California Gov. Gavin Newsom). Some even go on Fox News (!) to reach members of Trump’s audience, giving them news they would never hear.

    Trump, on the other hand…is low on money, behind on organization and even now keeps bad-mouthing mail-in voting, a critical turnout mechanism. This week, he fired a slew of experienced staffers from the Republican National Committee, no doubt to be replaced by MAGA loyalists. Expect unquestioned obedience, once again, to replace competence as the chief criteria for Trump’s staff. (He rarely hired “only the best” people.)

    Third, there is something to be said for optimism and good cheer. Trump paints America as a hellscape; his view of a racial invasion and rampant crime (that is statistically nonexistent) is meant to keep his followers in a state of frenzy and despair. But the exhausting drama and aura of foreboding that hangs over Trump might not wear well. It surely didn’t while he was president and campaigning in 2020. Pundits sometimes portray Biden as offering “normalcy.” While it is not exactly “hope and change,” he does convey unalloyed faith in America and the promise of progress that Americans historically embrace.

    Go Team Blue!

  67. 67.

    Jeffro

    @Jackie: Kristi Noem is already out there on social media saying “WHAT IS PENCE THINKING??!?”

    Kristi, you rank amateur…don’t you know that trumpov’s stock response when nailed dead to rights by something is to claim that it’s ‘boring’?  You have to dismiss it, and quickly, or else a few sheep here and there start going, “yeah…what IS he thinking?  Thinking?  What’s that?”

  68. 68.

    Geminid

    @Miss Bianca: I read that Stephens column. It was like he had some pitching machine lobbing slow, fat pitches, with him slugging away with a titanium bat.

        “… and the red-hot Stephens goes 11 for 11 with 5 home runs, 2 triples, 3 doubles and a single, raising his average to a league-leading .987!”

  72. 72.

    Sure Lurkalot

    Be assured you could outwrite Bedbug while under anesthesia with your arms tied down. Now stay away from the poke and jab hotel and get well soon!

  73. 73.

    Jackie

    Serbia??!?

    Federal agents have located a person of interest in over 100 swatting calls, which included calls targeting  Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, Cybersecurity, Infrastructure and Security Agency Director Jen Easterly and other senior Biden administration officials, according to law enforcement officials.

    Officials say the person of interest lives in Serbia; charges have not yet been filed, but sources say they could be filed soon.

    https://www.cbsnews.com/news/swatting-suspect-mayorkas-secret-service-justice-dept/

  75. 75.

    trollhattan

    RenewBeginning my NYT subscription in 3, 2, 1. Release the Krakan, no, the Cracker!

    Glad you’re on the mend, Betty C, and sorry about the path from which you need mending. At least you have dogs.

  81. 81.

    Geminid

    @Chief Oshkosh: European governments like France, Germany and the UK are still hanging with Israel. Key Arab Gulf countries like Saudi Arabia, the UAE and Bahrain are also, although they are less public about it. But they all want new management and a change in course, and they are being more assertive about this now.

    Those three European nations jumped on the settler-sanctions regime once the US announced it last month, and now the EU has joined in. These sanctions regimes allow for a lot of discretion and can be very extensive if the nations are willing to make them so.

  82. 82.

    BlueGuitarist

    Yay, BC!
    You’re totally right about the alien abduction-themed horror movie!
    So glad you’re better, Betty.

  86. 86.

    frosty

    I’m really glad to see you’re back and that your writing is back too! Agree that you’re 10 times better than that FTFNYT hack. U Chicago and LSE have something to answer for.

  90. 90.

    FastEdD

    I’m joining the chorus celebrating Ms. C’s return from hospital purgatory. Hip hip hooray!

  93. 93.

    Jay

    @Jackie:

    as we discovered during the Butter Emails Era, you can hire Balkan Hackers and Crackers to do pretty much anything for a buck.

  94. 94.

    Westyny

    “What in the wide world of FUCK?” Is the funniest sentence I’ll read this year.  Wodehouseian in its concision and beat, if Wodehouse could have used the F-word.  Stay salty and glad you’re back.  A verbal cage match between you and Stephens would be cruel to the latter.  FTFNYT has become a poor parody of itself.

  95. 95.

    Elizabelle

    She’s back and taking names.

    Missed you, Betty C.  Be well.  Moar dog pictures, when you feel up to it.  

  97. 97.

    Kelly

    While you have been trying to escape the clutches of the medical complex I have been trying to check my Mom into the medical complex get better care. On February 17th she fell and broke her arm. 27 days ago. Cracked the knob at the top of her humerus. Can’t put that into a cast. I foolishly let the Emergency Dept Doc send her home for me to take care of. Which may have made sense 15 she was a 15 year old that fell skateboarding and I her middle aged parent. She’s 87 and I’m 67. She can’t get out of her bed or chair. I have to wipe her butt at the toilet. I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress next to her bed because she wants help to pee 4 to 12 times a night.

    I realized less week into the situation I was in over my head. Too late! The Emergency Doc’s judgement is now immutable. If she had been hospitalized for 48 hours Skilled Care Nursing admission would be relatively routine. Her primary care doc and staff are some combination of ignorant, lazy and useless. I spent weeks tracking down the procedure they needed to follow only to have the referral to a Skilled Care Nursing Facility rejected yesterday due to a lack of details. Today I trekked thru Regence’s phone trees and got an expedited appeal of her rejection started but I’m still dependant on her doc to get it right.

    These term of art seems to be “the care could be provided in other ways”. The other way seems to be me. I do not work for medicare or regence and the SOBs aren’t paying me. Her fracture has displaced in the weeks of my amatuer care. She may always need a wheelchair. Probably moving her into care the Regence Medicare Advantage doesn’t pay for next week.

  98. 98.

    Eyeroller

    @sab:It’s a workplace.  They act like the rest of us would at work. I’ve had several eye surgeries; the patient is awake (but sedated) for such surgeries, so hears all of what is they say, and they talk about what’s going on in their lives, football, whatever.  Dancing may be a bit out there, but as long as they aren’t needed immediately it seems fine to me. Just being a bit silly in a (probably) long day.

  99. 99.

    Jackie

    TIFG’s puppet is so going to be in trouble…!

    President Biden used a joint appearance with Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) on Friday to urge lawmakers to pass assistance for Ukraine that faces an uncertain path forward in the House.

    Biden, speaking at the annual Friends of Ireland luncheon to mark St. Patrick’s Day, expressed his appreciation for Ireland’s commitment to providing humanitarian aid to Ukraine during its war with Russia and to the people of Gaza amid the Israel-Hamas war.

    “I’m committed to continuing to do our part,” Biden said to the room of bipartisan lawmakers, which included Johnson.

    “I’m confident the vast majority — and excuse me for saying this — but I think a vast majority of members of Congress are willing to do their part. And I continue to urge every member in this room to stand up to Vladimir Putin. He’s a thug,” Biden added, at which point those in the room, including the Speaker, applauded.

    Biden called on the House to send him the national security supplemental that passed the Senate in a 67-32 vote last month. The legislation included $60 billion in aid for Ukraine, as well as funding for Israel and for humanitarian assistance in Gaza. But Johnson has yet to bring it up for a vote in the House.

    “It sends a clear message that America stands up for freedom and we bow down to no one. To no one in the world,” Biden said.

    https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4534950-biden-calls-on-congress-to-pass-ukraine-aid-in-appearance-with-johnson/

  101. 101.

    West of the Rockies

    So glad you’re back, BC!

    OT, but I am suddenly receiving a ton of spam calls, a lot supposedly from the Economic Impact Relief Center.  Like maybe six to ten  day.  Anyone else getting inundated

    (Still, I suppose inundated is better than intubated. )

  104. 104.

    geg6

    Welcome back, Betty!  Glad to see you recovering and also that the aliens did not take the delicious snark and brilliant writing ability.  Keep getting better.  We’ve missed you so much!

  105. 105.

    JPL

    Welcome home!    You were definitely missed and the NYTimes would be lucky to have you.

  107. 107.

    Eyeroller

    @Kelly: Ugh, this sounds like my MIL but she broke her leg from a fall.  At least she had the means to move to an assisted-living apartment.  Her break healed but she moved from a Rollator to a wheelchair, and her lack of mobility made it impossible for her live independently anymore.

  109. 109.

    zhena gogolia

    @WaterGirl: Hilarious!

    ETA: Although I must say, I got a lot of good advice here during the pandemic, starting with Martin telling me not to take a train to Philadelphia in March 2020.

  110. 110.

    Kelly

    @Barbara: I started an appeal. Doc’s office should have handled it but I have no confidence it would happen. I’ve tracked everything down for them every step of the way. Lost two weeks at the beginning of the fiasco because they said they’d faxed the right stuff to the right place. I impatiently tracked down who they said they sent it to only to discover nothing had showed up there and there was another place they needed to control as well. I’ve been tracking down phone numbers and having insurance call them to help throughout. I’d have changed her doc by now but that’s more delay.

  111. 111.

    Lyrebird

    @satby: ​
     

    Yes!!
    from Betty C herself:
    “they should fire Stephens and replace him with me”

    YES YES YES!!!!

  112. 112.

    JaneE

    I found myself in the hospital the last two days of Feb.  I walked into the ER on Tuesday morning about 10 or 10:30, but by the time they they had already taken two sets of lab work I could not get out of the chair.  That was just before 5.  Nurse found a wheelchair, and got me a bed in the treatment area where I stayed until the hospital found a bed for me about 2 AM.  There was a handful of things that might have caused what was happening to me, and they shotgunned me with antibiotics, steroids and fluids.  Labs every 4 hours.  Vitals every 4 hours. Just an hour apart.  And they wonder why people don’t get restful sleep while they are hospitalized.  I was just a lump in the bed virtually immobile for day before something I was given started to kick in.  As they eliminated the possibilities the meds went down a little.  I started to be able to move instead of being a lump.  I would not have believed that they would let me go by Thursday evening, but they did, and I managed to get in and out of a car and walk into the house.  Fortunately only one 3-4 inch high step to do that.

    I suspect that what the decided was the cause may be more of a default for no other specific cause found, but I will find out more about that next week. At least I have a long list of what things I do not have, mostly communicable diseases that I already knew I could or should not have, e.g.  HIV and all the hepatitis varieties. Whatever, right now in some ways I feel and am better than I have been in two decades.  In other ways not so much.  But up and functional again at 85-90 percent.  Modern medicine can be a wonder.  But it is still not an experience I would ever care to repeat.  The only good part of the experience was meeting a large number of people who really cared about others and did whatever they could to help them.  The staff/nurses/doctors I met were very impressive and good caring people.

  115. 115.

    Eyeroller

    @zhena gogolia: ​My impression (multiple eye surgeries, awake but can’t see anything) is that they are professional but do what they can to make it a better workplace. Sometimes they are playing fairly loud music in the background (especially the case for my younger ophthalmologists). Doesn’t bother me. I have a vague recollection of once asking for a change in music genre which they accommodated.

  116. 116.

    Another Scott

    I’m glad you gave the aliens the slip.

    Welcome back.  We’ve missed you and are very glad you’re doing better.

    Best wishes,
    Scott.

  117. 117.

    eclare

    So glad to see you!  The pest parade float story and drawings alone are worth $4.5M!

  118. 118.

    satby

    @Eyeroller: They’re going to need to put me under. I don’t like even regular eye exams from the doctor I worked for, and didn’t like contacts because the breeze previously blocked by glasses bothered my eyes. I’m dreading when I need to have my eye surgery.

  123. 123.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    I’m glad that you have survived your intergalactic encounter, Betty! I’ve heard that the aliens have improved the whole experience for us by outfitting a section of their ship like an Earth hospital.

    It’s rumored that the aliens were reluctant to do this because they thought it was cruel to subject us to such primitive practices, even if only imagined.

    I’m glad to ‘hear’ from ya, lady. Take care.

  124. 124.

    eclare

    @Jackie:

    Serbia has gotten really close to Russia politically in recent years.  It probably goes back much further than that, but I don’t know enough about wayback* history.

    *wayback in that area meaning 600-1000 years ago.

  125. 125.

    Martin

    @WaterGirl: Nah, he knows he’s done. Who knows who the GOP would pick, but probably Haley. Not because they think they can win (they would almost certainly know they cannot) but because it does the least harm to the party.

  126. 126.

    lowtechcyclist

    Glad the aliens let you come back here, Betty C!

    @Jackie:

    MAGAts are probably threatening to hang [Pence].

    That’s a bit old-hat by now, don’t you think? They’ve really got to come up with something new.  Maybe threaten to have him drawn and quartered?

  129. 129.

    eclare

    @Kelly:

    Oh that sounds horrible, I’m so sorry.  Navigating health care with all of the regulations is so confusing and draining, and on top of that, it’s your mom.

    Would it be worth it to consult for an hour or two with an attorney who specializes in elder care to make sure you get the information that you need and are legally entitled to?  One commenter here wrote that they hired an attorney after a horrific wreck just to deal with insurance paperwork.

    Best of luck to you and your mom.

  130. 130.

    MagdaInBlack

    I’m so glad you survived your abduction, Betty. I’m addicted to your humor  ❤️

  132. 132.

    Jay

    @eclare:

    Serbia has always been “Little ruZZia”, except for a brief period when they were part of Tito’s Yugoslavia.

    Their backer has been ruZZia since “Ottomans in Europe” days.

    Serbian ties to ruZZia and ruZZian backing started the whole domino effect of WWI.

  134. 134.

    MattF

    @eclare: Maybe, but probably not. A lot of ‘glorious’ history was invented by 19th century nationalists to justify a lot of bullshit.

  135. 135.

    Cowgirl in the Sandi

    So glad you’re back and feeling so salty Betty!  We’ve missed you!!  Be well.

  137. 137.

    lowtechcyclist

    @Dorothy A. Winsor:

    Would it be useful to take her to the ER? That was how my DIL solved her father being in a similar situation.

    And refuse to take her home if asked, claiming inability to care for her (which is pretty much the truth).

  138. 138.

    West of the Rockies

    @eclare:

    Thank you for the reminder!!  I just looked up and reread the pest float story.  It should be on The Moth radio hour on NPR.

  141. 141.

    Steve in the ATL

    @zhena gogolia: to be fair, “don’t go to Philadelphia!” is almost always great advice

    @eclare: want me to do the Vols next?  I’ll go easy since I grew up mostly in Tennessee and Derek Dooley was on my intramural softball team in law school.

  142. 142.

    Chigail

    Welcome back. And don’t sell the Food Network short. Some of the hosts are friendly aliens.

  143. 143.

    different-church-lady

    Hey, at least Stephens admits the conversations are imaginary, unlike David Brooks.

  147. 147.

    Ohio Mom

    @satby:

    @zhena gogolia: If you are talking about cataract surgery, it’s sort of enjoyable. You are doped up but alert enough to see what is a fabulous light show. It’s like being in a multi-colored lava lamp.

  148. 148.

    Eolirin

    @Martin: This path additionally paints a target on the back of all Jews where ever they are in the world and empowers antisemites in a way they haven’t been empowered in decades.

  150. 150.

    Yutsano

    @Eolirin: ​I’m seeing it everywhere right now. It’s pretty scary to be a Jewish person even in places where we should be safe.

  151. 151.

    Gretchen

    @satby: I’m phobic about my eyes too. My doc assured me that she’d done hundreds of cataract surgeries and only had to put one woman under. I was #2. I hope I didn’t try to deck her before they put me out, but wouldn’t dismiss the possibility.

    she just went ahead and put me out for the second eye.

  154. 154.

    different-church-lady

    @Steve in the ATL: ​
      Kinda post +. Coming down off of one blood-orange vodka thingy I had before some really great homemade chicken meatball and orzo soup. Been hitting the sauce a bit too much lately, need to dial it back.

  156. 156.

    Eolirin

    @Yutsano: Yeah. It is. And a million Palestinian deaths from starvation will make it so much worse. In addition to the impossible horror of a million dead. Cuts against every value we’re supposed to stand for.

    This shit needs to be stopped.

    The conflict is becoming existential for all of us.

  157. 157.

    Gretchen

    @Ohio Mom: They tried to dope me up with IVs and the last thing I remember before they put me out was if this is supposed to be doing something it’s not. But I’m pretty phobic about anything near my eyes.

  158. 158.

    Quaker in a Basement

    Aw, heck!

    I have imaginary friends that I talk to as well. Can I have $450,000 a year too?

  159. 159.

    BellyCat

    Welcome back to earth B.C.! Hoping all is on the mend

    My partner, a BJ fan, is a doc advocating heavily for more respectful and humane hospital care. She’d love to chat with you about your observations and hospital experience. If interested, drop me a line to connect to her… that is, of course, if you’re not too busy fixing the FTFNYT in your new position.

  161. 161.

    Kelly

    @Dorothy A. Winsor: ER might be worth a try. I’d take her to a different ER. The local hospital (Santiam) I took her to is 10 minutes away. A much larger hospital in Salem is 30 minutes away. The records systems are tied together which would help. She got out of bed on her own last night. If she’d fallen I’d of taken her to Salem.

    We had begun looking for assisted living facilities before the fall. She could get around her home with her walker but simply couldn’t stand long enough to cook for herself. The care she required before the fall was simpler. Just needed someone there if she fell or had some other mishap. We’ve picked one began making arrangements. Need to take he in next week for them to evaluate if they can manage her.

  163. 163.

    Jackie

    @lowtechcyclist:

    That’s a bit old-hat by now, don’t you think? They’ve really got to come up with something new.  Maybe threaten to have him drawn and quartered?

    Maybe when the Biden ageisms stop?

  164. 164.

    Geminid

    @Baud: The Pence story was top-of-the hour news on WTOP all evening. That’s a DC station, so they promised more discussion about it between tbe CBS news reports.

    The Times of Israel also had an article about Pence, which is not surprising because they cover US politics regularly. The TOI reminds me of USA Today: lots of short articles, but with a focus on Israel, the Mideast and the US. No sports page though.

    The TOI also reported that Mossad chief David Barnea will lead a negotiating team to Doha, Qatar on Sunday to try to close the gaps on a ceasefire agreement with Hamas. I expect Barak Raviv has an Axios article about this if it’s not already up.

  165. 165.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Steve in the ATL: I went there on a law school funded trip and my former Civ Pro prof and I nearly ended up in a fight with some locals in a bar.  They were pestering two female students who were at the jukebox.  I told them we should have gone to a bar in Camden instead.

  166. 166.

    Dan B

    I had my partner to dinner 30 years ago.  Weather was gorgeous today and two of our cats were playing like krazy kats today.  The third, new one, was excited by the open doors but not going out, no way, I’m safe in here and don’t you dare abandon me to the wilderness!  Quiet evening with my guy who doesn’t believe in anniversaries or birthdays.

  167. 167.

    Anne Laurie

    Betty, you know we all missed you… but I think you are also aware of how much I personally have been praying you’d get healthier by the day!

  170. 170.

    Steve in the ATL

    @Omnes Omnibus: were they  pestering the women because they weee creeps, or because the women were trying to play “ring my bell” on the jukebox?

  171. 171.

    Nelle

    I’m back in the US of A.  Exhausted but back.  The last flight (from Denver to Des Moines) looked different in terms of passengers.  Most of them looked like they had lived in Iowa all their lives.  I can’t say what that looks like, though.

    Maybe more on this later, but my 12 hour flight (from Auckland to San Fran), my seatmate was a sweet little lady from central Illinois whose son up and married a Kiwi woman and he doesn’t come back, so if she wants to see her grandchildren, she has to go to NZ.  She likes RFK and Donald Trump, hasn’t been vaccinated but took her ivermectin like a good woman,  thought maybe we should follow the Bible more than the Constitution.

    I was, I think, gentle as we agreed that vitriol and division was the ruination of the nation.  And we had twelve hours of enforced neighborliness.  But she did get to hear about Jennifer Doudna’s Nobel winning research on Crisper, decades in the making, and wasn’t it just the work of the Lord that it was ready in time to apply its discoveries to making the vaccine?  Then she got to hear the history of the Anabaptists and their idea of separation of the church and state.  Plus she agreed with me that we all need to follow the Sermon on the Mount and that judgement and retribution belong to God, not a presidential candidate.  Lovely to put all those Bible verses I learned as a child to good use.  She even offered up that it is wrong for people to try to engineer the End Times, as the Bible says no man knows the hour.

    I worry about people, so many people, like her that wave in the wind of the latest person who talked to her.  I began to suspect that if I talked to her on her way to vote, I might get a vote for Biden.  I’ll bet that she’ll turn on Faux and be back in the Trumpian fold, but hey, I put some seeds in there.

    She did ask me what I thought about vaccine shedding, possibly out of fear that I was shedding my vaccines on her.  I got bold there and said that was just crazypants talk and not to listen to that.

  175. 175.

    wjca

    @frosty: Stature … Pence? Does not compute. 

    Think about the losers TIFG surrounds himself with.  Compared to them, Pence might be a giant. (Of course, it’s a very low bar.)

  176. 176.

    kalakal

    @zhena gogolia: Having been one of those ‘getting up to things’ in operating theatres I can assure you it’s wild! 

    The above statement may contain a lie, mostly it’s like being in an office, just general chit chat.

  178. 178.

    Nelle

     

    @eclare:   Not that bad.  She went to sleep.  I watched three movie and the last season of Derry Girls.  If you missed Derry Girls, remedy that.

  180. 180.

    Ramalama

    The movement of a factor by ten for your starting salary from The NYT was like metric … brought to life. Beautiful life. Welcome back, Betty C.

  181. 181.

    Denali5

    Great to hear from you, BC! I was kind of worried. But I know you are one tough woman, and really got a laugh out of your stories of your experience. Keep us posted!

  186. 186.

    wjca

    I’m trying to guess the imaginary conversation which led a Senate candidate in Pennsylvania (i.e. on the far side of the country) to decide it would be a good idea to text me daily asking for money for his campaign.  Being very glad the spam filter is working.

  187. 187.

    Geminid

    @Chief Oshkosh: I know. I understand the long term implications you describe. But I also look at more immediate matters, so I pointed out what these governments are doing which right now is more consequential than public opinion. They’re not recalling ambassadors or throwing sanctions on Israel, they’re shipping weapons. They’re not putting press releases out like they do whenever they send weapons to Ukraine, but I France has sent some at least and the UK has sent a lot. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but these nations and others in the EU are some of the few countries whose relations actually matter to Israel right now and they haven’t broken or even downgraded relations despite what Israel has done.

    The UAE, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia are three others countries whose relations Israel cares about. The first two have maintained the diplomatic relations with Israel they commenced four years ago. The UAE is sponsoring World Central Kitchen operations including a new jetty where food will be unloaded into an area secured by the IDF. The UAE rather be landing it in an area controlled by the Palestinian Authority, but they’ll work with Israel until they can get the PA in charge.

    The Saudis and the Emiratis have also developed a joint strategy with Jordan and Egypt regarding Gaza’s future that tracks with US policy. I won’t be surprised if it becomes the template for the Security Council resolution that ends this war. Part of it is already being implemented, as people who follows news about the Palestinian Authority have seen.

    I don’t doubt this war has eroded support for Israel among many Western citizens, but how much of that is permanent has yet to be seen. I know there are people who think it should be permanent, and maybe it will be. I don’t think we’ll really know until this war has been over a year at least, though. And terrible as this situation is in fact, people are spinning worst-case scenarios like a million Gazans dying of starvation, or Israel driving 2 million Gazans into Egypt, and that is to some extent conditioning their judgements.

  189. 189.

    Ruckus

    Welcome back Betty!

    Hope everything is better and stays that way.

    @Quiltingfool:

    When they don’t provide me with a reasonable bit of clothing that’s not my fault nor should it mean I have to go out of my way to make up for it. (And yes, I’ve been in hospital and I know how well those things they call gowns cover up bits and parts – not well at all!) I just refuse to accept responsibility for them providing inadequate clothing.

  190. 190.

    Ruckus

    @Baud:

    Sir! (If that is your given side of the aisle…..) We are not sick people. At least not all of us. There has to be at least one or two who are not, just based upon the numbers.

  193. 193.

    Manyakitty

    Welcome back, Betty C! Hope your recovery continues apace and you return to the full bloom of health immediately if not sooner.

  194. 194.

    Craig

    Welcome back, glad you survived the abduction. You’re one of my favorite writers. You only write about things you’ve informed yourself about, you ask questions, you’ve got angry wit, and if you feel the need to really stick the knife in it goes deep and you do not miss. You actually report the world as it is. You deserve way more comp than those NYT hacks.

  195. 195.

    Paul in KY

    Glad you have made it through your ordeal with (I assume) minimal alien anal probing!

  198. 198.

    brantl

    @Martin: Nah, Mother told him he couldn’t; otherwise his conditioned obsequiousness would have knee-jerk-reflexed him into it.

  203. 203.

    Miss Bianca

    @West of the Rockies:

    Thank you for the reminder!!  I just looked up and reread the pest float story.  It should be on The Moth radio hour on NPR.

    Yes, but the drawings…! The drawings are what elevate that story from comedy gold to comedy platinum. IMHO.

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