Cruz-ifiction

Repubs For Whom It Is Impossible to Feel Sympathy, Pt. II: Pandemic Edition

by Anne Laurie| July 22, 20218:34 pm| 51 Comments

This post is in: COVID-19 Coronavirus, Cruz-ifiction, GOP Death Cult, Open Threads

I’d rather die owning the libs with a tube down my throat than take a lib vaccine to live on my feet https://t.co/VvoQkTBxHN

— kilgore trout, terminal hiccups patient (@KT_So_It_Goes) July 22, 2021

perfect illustration of why “guy who will get the vaccine if the libs are just nicer” is a totally invented character

— kilgore trout, terminal hiccups patient (@KT_So_It_Goes) July 22, 2021

"Oh yeah, well how many Democrats have been vaccinated?"
"Actually all of them."
"Oh yeah, but they can't prove that."
"Yes they can."
"Okay well I think my point is made." https://t.co/fvqBbAx0tJ

— Seth Masket (@smotus) July 22, 2021

I think @tedcruz genuinely believed this, because he is unable to imagine anybody has non-venal motives for governing. https://t.co/CXECfOmtoF

— Jonathan Chait (@jonathanchait) July 22, 2021

Repubs For Whom It Is Impossible to Feel Sympathy, Pt. II: Pandemic EditionPost + Comments (51)

GOP Weakness Open Thread: Ted Cruz Enjoys Being Pwned

by Anne Laurie| May 24, 202111:42 pm| 32 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Military, Open Threads, Republican Stupidity

Jason Bourne…suffers from anxiety and PTSD. He is also fictional. https://t.co/3ukcDrRjKd

— ThadStephensSuperFan (@humanoidsareus) May 22, 2021

Honestly, it’s liking watching someone talk about his kink at an after-work cocktail party. Whatever turns you on, dude — but this is *not* the venue. Cruz is reaching Dinesh D’Souza levels of middle-school masochism, where he cartwheels into an unrelated playground conversation and says Watch me eat a bug!… because even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

As the manliest soldier completed his 400th push-up, a woman presses a button, launching a hellfire missile from the Reaper high above.
“I bet he could’ve beat you up in the Octagon,” her colleague says.
“Probably,” she shrugs, lining up her next target. “Now we’ll never know.”

— Nicholas Grossman (@NGrossman81) May 23, 2021

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GOP Weakness Open Thread: Ted Cruz *Enjoys* Being PwnedPost + Comments (32)

Repub ‘Virtus’ Open Thread: Ted Cruz Prefers His Army Masculine, Buffed — and Russian

by Anne Laurie| May 21, 202111:14 am| 37 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Military, Open Threads, Republican Venality

Do you have any other Russian propaganda videos you’d like to promote, senator?

— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) May 20, 2021

Ted’s local Houston Chronicle:

Sen. Ted Cruz criticized the U.S. military for being “emasculated” compared to the Russian military in a tweet on Thursday…

“Research tells us that young people today see the Army as a ‘distant star’ — a place requiring a nearly superhuman level of discipline with little relevance to their daily lives,” Maj. Gen. Alex Fink, Chief of Army Enterprise Marketing, said in a statement about the campaign when it was announced. “Similarly, youth don’t necessarily connect with those who serve or see common ground in terms of interests, abilities, and goals. ‘The Calling’ shatters these misperceptions by showing that soldiers are all of us: real people with hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, families, friends, and obstacles to overcome.”

Cruz’s tweet sparked some outrage on Thursday.

“Ted Cruz attacks a US Army soldier for telling her story, says he prefers Russians. Because Ted Cruz is a sedition-loving traitor,” VoteVets, a progressive political group, tweeted.

“The U.S. military is second to none. Please keep it out of your political theater,” tweeted Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who was a key witness in former President Donald Trump’s first impeachment inquiry. “I hear there are actual problems Congress needs to address. BTW didn’t you swear to support and defend the U.S. Constitution?”

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Repub ‘Virtus’ Open Thread: Ted Cruz Prefers His Army Masculine, Buffed — and RussianPost + Comments (37)

Late Night Open Thread: An Entirely Parasitic Organism

by Anne Laurie| March 14, 20211:57 am| 35 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, GOP Death Cult, Open Threads, Popular Culture

(Lalo Alcaraz via GoComics.com)

lol ted cruz is buying someone else’s book with campaign donations and essentially reselling it at 10x list price in order to get more campaign donations pic.twitter.com/yGyMCpjq7c

— Roger Sollenberger (@SollenbergerRC) March 13, 2021

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Late Night Open Thread: An Entirely Parasitic OrganismPost + Comments (35)

CPAC Open Thread: Ted Cruz Will Never Get the Acclaim He Craves

by Anne Laurie| February 27, 202110:54 am| 151 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, GOP Death Cult, Open Threads

He’s got notoriety, some power, support — while he’s perceived as a useful tool — but as he’s only too aware, nobody actually likes Ted Cruz. He’s superficially accepted that he’ll never be loved, but his inability to perform the ‘normal’ political functions far outweighs his self-promotional gifts.

Where was President BIden, on Friday?

Biden tells staff gathered at the Harris County Operations Center that he was eager to send federal aid when Texas Governor Greg Abbott called, telling staff, "Before he asked the question, I said yes."

Abbott laughs, adds "He did, he said yes before I even asked the question." https://t.co/7IoXiFWqgu

— DJ Judd (@DJJudd) February 26, 2021

And where was Texas Senator Ted Cruz?

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This translates as "I can wag my dick in your faces and still get elected, because all you need to do in Texas is be to the right of Hitler, and I can do this in my fucking sleep." https://t.co/6tPARYd67I

— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) February 26, 2021

“Please clap.”

Ted Cruz reminds us why it's so very important to work out your act in the small clubs before the big Netflix special at CPAC.

— Willie Geist (@WillieGeist) February 26, 2021

I don’t think quite fits the “how it started how it’s going” meme but it’s still pretty funny. pic.twitter.com/d8YUkYO4Qf

— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) February 26, 2021

this is the party that literally ran the US government from a country club! https://t.co/3qdPkY2VLh

— Catherine Rampell (@crampell) February 26, 2021

Let me remind you, AGAIN: the Republican Party has lost workers making under $50,000 by double digits in three consecutive elections.

You can keep saying it all you want, but you ain't a blue-collar party and you never will be. https://t.co/G7nRuSogjV

— Matthew Chapman (@fawfulfan) February 27, 2021

The Republican Party is not the party of the country club, it’s the party of fleeing the country https://t.co/gfGqaC799S

— Dana Houle (@DanaHoule) February 26, 2021

Boob Bait for Bubba https://t.co/QuF2j0wrNu

— Tom Nichols (@RadioFreeTom) February 26, 2021

We just had four years of lib twitter randos being mocked for talking like this https://t.co/VjSmXb9VKi

— Adam Serwer ?? (@AdamSerwer) February 26, 2021

Cruz was once Boehner's lawyer. https://t.co/Hpprc643uY

— Ramesh Ponnuru (@RameshPonnuru) February 26, 2021

When Howard Dean sounded like this they said he could never be president. https://t.co/fxYIknIMZD

— Reed Galen (@reedgalen) February 26, 2021

ted cruz riles up the crowd at cpac and then people are asked if they'll vote for ted cruz and they're like "oh fuck no"

it's pretty great

— Peloton InfoSec Analyst (Incident Response) (@CalmSporting) February 26, 2021

CPAC Open Thread: Ted Cruz Will Never Get the Acclaim He CravesPost + Comments (151)

Late Night Open Thread: Repercussions, of A Sort

by Anne Laurie| February 21, 20212:06 am| 62 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Open Threads, Republican Stupidity

I get it now. Ted and Heidi Cruz wanted their children to be safe, to have basic sanitary services like heat and running water, to leave behind a third-world apocalyptic nightmare for a safer place. Like so many parents before them, they decided to cross the Mexican border.

— Julie Roginsky (@julieroginsky) February 19, 2021

To the surprise of no one (including, probably, Ted Cruz), his kids’ schoolmates’ parents don’t like him, either…

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Late Night Open Thread: Repercussions, of A SortPost + Comments (62)

Late Night Open Thread: Cruz, In for A Bruisin’…

by Anne Laurie| February 20, 20211:23 am| 53 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, How about that weather?, Open Threads, Republican Stupidity

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

— Wayne Lawson, PhD (@WayneALawson) February 20, 2021

Could not happen to a more deserving simulacrum of a human being…

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Texas is freezing, but the roast of Ted Cruz is on https://t.co/UB0DQU0V87

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) February 19, 2021

WaPo reporter Ashley Parker, FOR THE WIN:

Usually, it takes at least one full day in Cancún to do something embarrassing you’ll never live down.

But for Ted Cruz (R-Tex.), it took just 10 hours — from when his United plane touched down at Cancún International Airport at 7:52 p.m. Wednesday to when he booked a return flight back to Houston around 6 a.m. Thursday — for the state’s junior senator to apparently realize he had made a horrible mistake…

Cancún-gate checked nearly every possible box of a scandal. The sad-sack black roller suitcase and oversize canvas tote, awaiting its beach debut! The fleece half-zip as part of the classic frumpy Dad ensemble! The 6 a.m. scramble to book a return flight! The politician seeming to blame his preteen daughters! The adorable family dog, possibly left home alone! The police escort! The leaked text messages, with a “Real Housewives of Houston” mood!

And the hypocrisy of a man who has trashed fellow politicians for vacationing during crises — vacationing in Cancún during a crisis himself…

Just when the situation seemed like it couldn’t get much worse for Cruz — his statement about coming back Thursday, after all, had been misleading at best — a cute pooch entered the narrative. Houston-based journalist Michael Hardy had driven by Cruz’s house Thursday and snapped a photo of the front of his home — lights off, tiny white fluff ball staring out of the glass front door…

Would you guys watch a limited action/adventure docuseries about my undercover mission to rescue Ted Cruz’s dog? Asking for Netflix.

— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) February 20, 2021

everyone is ragging on Dinesh D'Souza but it is undoubtedly true that the best thing Ted Cruz can do for a place is to leave it.

— James Palmer (@BeijingPalmer) February 18, 2021

only ted cruz could make the excuse “I’m fucking useless anyway” and get total agreement amongst both his detractors and supporters

— kilgore trout, ted’s travel agent (@KT_So_It_Goes) February 18, 2021

“As soon as I heard that guy’s iPhone make the shutter click sound, I began to have reservations” https://t.co/mgAvMsM8xA

— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) February 18, 2021

Ted Cruz cutting his Cancun vacation short so he can show he takes the Texas emergency seriously by … going on Hannity

this is not a joke this is literally what is happening

— Jamison Foser (@jamisonfoser) February 19, 2021

"As I got a luxury full body massage at the Ritz Carlton spa, I would have been reading many documents & taking many phone calls" https://t.co/qOnXQDzvx5

— Centrism Fan Acct ?? (@Wilson__Valdez) February 19, 2021

If Ted Cruz were an ordinary dude, and he did a Mexico roundtrip in less than 17 hours, the DEA would be waiting on his lawn when he got home.

— Charles P. Pierce (@CharlesPPierce) February 18, 2021

.@tedcruz welcome back to the US, found these while you were gone pic.twitter.com/kb1TKs1JhP

— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 18, 2021

Asked about Ted Cruz Cancun trip, @presssec said White House focused on Texans without power or resources they need. "We expect that would be the focus of anyone in the state or surrounding states who was elected to represent them. But I don't have any update on his whereabouts."

— Jennifer Jacobs (@JenniferJJacobs) February 18, 2021

pic.twitter.com/y5peAFu9e0

— PatriotTakes ???? (@patriottakes) February 19, 2021

Late Night Open Thread: Cruz, In for A Bruisin’…Post + Comments (53)

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

“But what about the lurkers?”

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

If you are still in the GOP, you are an extremist.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Fuck the extremist election deniers. What’s money for if not for keeping them out of office?

Putin must be throwing ketchup at the walls.

Today’s GOP: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Infrastructure week. at last.

You cannot shame the shameless.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Bark louder, little dog.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Repubs For Whom It Is Impossible to Feel Sympathy, Pt. II: Pandemic Edition

GOP Weakness Open Thread: Ted Cruz Enjoys Being Pwned

Repub ‘Virtus’ Open Thread: Ted Cruz Prefers His Army Masculine, Buffed — and Russian

Late Night Open Thread: An Entirely Parasitic Organism

CPAC Open Thread: Ted Cruz Will Never Get the Acclaim He Craves

Late Night Open Thread: Repercussions, of A Sort

Late Night Open Thread: Cruz, In for A Bruisin’…