Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

Republican speaker of the house Mike Johnson is the bland and smiling face of evil.

When we show up, we win.

The words do not have to be perfect.

The rest of the comments were smacking Boebert like she was a piñata.

Compromise? There is no middle ground between a firefighter and an arsonist.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

There is one struggling party in US right now, and it’s not the Democrats.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

Everybody saw this coming.

Republicans: The threats are dire, but my tickets are non-refundable!

One lie, alone, tears the fabric of reality.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Prediction: the gop will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

We are aware of all internet traditions.

“What are Republicans afraid of?” Everything.

Of course you can have champagne before noon. That’s why orange juice was invented.

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Republicans want to make it harder to vote and easier for them to cheat.

Peak wingnut was a lie.

… gradually, and then suddenly.

You are here: Home / Politics / Trumpery / Hail to the Hairpiece / Birth Certificate Watch: Day 1566

Birth Certificate Watch: Day 1566

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Why has Donald Trump not released his long form American birth certificate?

Rabid Pomeranian Hairpiece

On April 15, 2011, I mentioned, in passing, that Trump was not eligible to become President of the United States of America, by reason of:

(a) having been born in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico to my friend Mary Anne ‘Bitsy’ MacLeod Trump – a single, unnaturalised Scottish immigrant mother engaged in a bigamous marriage with Donald’s father, an American man called Frederick Christ Trump; and

(b) therefore, being either British or Mexican-born.*

This lead to a flurry of correspondence with lawyers; the sending of a laxative-laced fruit cake which cleared out the entire litigation group of Jarndyce and Jarndyce for about a week and a half; a futile threatening visit from two large men with too many knuckles and Carhartt tattoos (seen off by two randy pugs, a limpy chihuahua and several madwomen with canes and dodgy colostomy bags); the jogging forth from my aged memory of an anecdote about Bitsy Trump’s Christmas party and a quite lovely story in which Donald gets chomped on his ample balls by a pissed off pekinese called Frou-Frou; and further and extensive legal correspondence, culminating in the execution of a Deed under which I promised not to tell you all about the time that Donald was trapped in a steam room in Aspen with Joan Collins and her flatulent Burmese hairless, and Donald made me a small payment of damages that I blew on three weeks in Bermuda, a parking lot attendant named Juan and a kilo of blow.

The subsequent quiet, if uneasy, truce has been sullied only by my bribery of Donald’s maids to slip a few blueberry and ipecac muffins into the breakfast buffet every couple of months.

Just the other week, however, I received a call from my lawyer. He just wanted to note that the deed which Donald and I signed contained strict terms under which neither of us were ever to discuss Mexico or anything that ever happened there, up to and including the very existence of Mexico itself. Interestingly, my lawyer added, the fact that Donald has spent the last few weeks suggesting that all Mexicans want to come here and steal our women and fuck our jobs means, under the old legal maxim feci coram eo feceris,, that I can talk about whatever I damn well want.

Now some people would tell you, if you allowed them to speak to you despite the stench of BO, flopsweat and Cheeto they emit, that my friend Bitsy Trump was naturalised in 1942. They would show you a signed naturalization receipt for one Mary Anne Trump, dated March 10, 1942 and issued by the US District Court in Brooklyn. They would say that it doesn’t matter if Donald was born in Mexico to an unwed mother, because that mother was an American citizen at the time.

Look at the kerning on that thing!

The truth is that Bitsy’s mother hated Americans with the passion that good Scottish women usually reserve for the English – a nation, she would say, of hoors, scousewits and tammany men, and not a one of them worth piss – as a result of her having been swindled out of her family’s meager fortune by an American gent in the Great Orkney Oatmeal Bubble of 1889. Although she knew she couldn’t force her daughter to stay at home, Mother Mary had extracted from Bitsy, on the eve of her departure for America, a promise sworn on the blood of the Holy Virgin and her blessed womb that come what may Bitsy would never become an American.

Fred had in fact raised the issue in about 1942, but Bitsy said, “I’d as soon you rip the heart out of me”, and that was that.

Years later though, when Fred had recovered from the palaver of Bitsy and Donald’s return from Mexico and his quickfire marriage to Bitsy, not to mention the rather considerable drain on the Trump fortune from bribing dozens of immigration and airline staff, he set about carefully papering over the cracks.

Even then, he thought Donald could become President. “Look at the nuts on him, Sarah,” he would say. “A man with balls like that could rule the world.”

Donald was smuggled in the back door of the Jamaica hospital in New York, shortly before Bitsy was stretchered very publicly in the front door, clutching at her pillow-swollen abdomen and shrieking at Fred and Jesus at the top of her lungs. Bing bang boom, mother and baby trundled out the front door, to all appearances legitimate and (in Donald’s case at least) American.

There was a short outbreak of arson attacks in San Miguel – the Registro Civil, the local doctor’s house, a building where two nurses shared an apartment, a couple of banks and restaurants for camouflage, a couple of unfortunate deaths. Fred didn’t mind buying silence when it was a white person though, so I lived off the proceeds of that one for several years. I also swore blind to Fred that there were no surviving copies of Donald’s Mexican birth certificate. Nice and neat, he said.

Now, Fred was a businessman, unlike his son, and a good one. He liked things nice and neat, and his Mary being Scottish was the last thread poking out. Still, he loved Bitsy very much, so he compromised. He got her naturalized retrospectively, but never told her he had done it. Lucky for him, Bitsy didn’t much care for handling her own paperwork.

Now, as I said in my original post, I’m sure Fred had no trouble obtaining an American birth certificate for young Donald. Still, my lawyers would rather like to see a copy so they can check the kerning.

More to the point, this raises the question: If Donald Trump is a Mexican-born foreign citizen smuggled illegally into America in a handbag, and all Mexicans who come to America illegally are crime- and drug-addicted rapists, what does that make Donald?

* My lawyers are still unclear on this point. Apparently, I am told, it “depends upon the answer to a rather tricky question on the interpretation of Magna Carta in the context of Mexican law as the inheritor of Spanish Imperial jurisprudence”. I interpret this to mean I may have to hock a few jewels to pay the bills this month.

Reader Interactions

55Comments

  2. 2.

    rikyrah

    New poll

    Reuters..,national poll

    Trump on top.
    Jeb second
    Trump double what Jeb has

    BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA H AH AH AHA

  3. 3.

    Linda Featheringill

    Donald has spent the last few weeks suggesting that all Mexicans want to come here and steal our women and fuck our jobs

    Precious.

    So – Donald really was foreign born?

  7. 7.

    JPL

    @rikyrah: He still doesn’t have the magic number.

    Surely, two more percent of the population can jump in to support him

  8. 8.

    yodecat

    Good to ‘see’ you SPaT. I’ve missed you.

    Trump is like a turd you discover under your table at a nice restaurant. That actually happened to me: I know what I speak.

  9. 9.

    JGabriel

    Linda Featheringill:

    So – Donald really was foreign born?

    As it says on his birth certificate, and I quote:

    Mexicano? Diablos, sí!

    (Is that right? Or should it be, “Infierno, si!” I only know a few words of Spanish, most of which I pronounce wrong.)

  10. 10.

    Denali

    But the Donald has already produced his birth certificate(short form, I know) to dispell the allegation that he is not the offspring of an orangatun. Seriously. Bill Mahler was threatened by a lawsuit. Now we know the truth.

  11. 11.

    MattF

    A cover-up. Everyone knows that Trump was born on Mars– the spawn of Bill Ayres and something horrifying.

  12. 12.

    srv

    Not satisfied with his student loan bubble, Obama wants to you to pay for criminals to go to college:

    The Education Department and Justice Department on Friday are expected to announce a pilot program giving some prisoners access to federal Pell grants. The aim is to test how effective correctional education programs can be in breaking the cycle of repeat offenders.

    and probably pay for their abortions:

    Alabama officials are currently seeking to prevent a pregnant prison inmate from obtaining a legal abortion by stripping her of her parental rights, in a case where a lawyer has been appointed to represent the interests of her fetus.

    An unnamed woman, who is referred to in court documents only as Jane Doe, is asking for permission to travel to Huntsville to end her pregnancy. She says she was unable to get an abortion before she was taken into custody and is now feeling desperate. “I am very distraught, and do not want to be forced to carry this pregnancy to term,” she wrote.

    Jane Doe — who has to get permission from the court to be transported to the nearest clinic because prison officials consider abortion to be a non-emergency procedure

    Cradle to grave marxism.

  13. 13.

    gocart mozart

    Cradle to grave marxism.

    Don’t use big words that you don’t understand little man.

  14. 14.

    Emma

    @srv: Asshole. Whatever happened to paying your dues to society?

    And you wouldn’t know Marxism if it bit you in the arse.

  15. 15.

    Another Holocene Human

    @srv: Why in HELL would I not want the government to send prisoners to school?

    Malcolm X was a proud graduate of MCI-Norfolk (after matriculating from the school of hard knocks). One of our greatest if not the greatest public intellectuals in American history!

  17. 17.

    Another Holocene Human

    Reducing recidivism affects us all. Why wouldn’t we invest in a program that’s proven to work? This is where conservatives lose me, right here. They won’t do cost effective shit that works because they’re dishonest on every level and because their rabid base are just haters who look at everything through a lens of resentment.

    Well, resentment won’t make us safer. Or healthier. Or more secure.

  18. 18.

    Another Holocene Human

    @efgoldman: I pegged srv for a troll from day one but at first the posts were so ambiguous or irrelevant it was really hard to tell. Sometimes newbies kind of miss the mark at first.

    srv has been really obvious with it for the last few weeks, however.

  19. 19.

    Dr.McCoy

    Of course they’re going to start throwing a few cops to the lions, the masses have become restless. 2016 is pivotal, once again, the illusion must be maintained.

  21. 21.

    SuperHrefna

    @Another Holocene Human: Absolutely. Only 30% of Norway’s prisoners reoffend compared to 77% of America’s. But their prison system is based on the practical task of turning prisoners lives around so that they are no longer a danger to society. America has given up on that idea and it all about the retribution, the suffering. For everyone.

  26. 26.

    Randy P

    Geeze. We always have trolls, but they seem to be out in force today. Did they all pop out of the ground at the same time like the 17-year locusts?

  39. 39.

    mclaren

    The commenters are probably taking the day off because this is a pretty lame thread. The irony, of course, is that these kinds of educate-the-inmates programs used to be standard operating procedure back in the day. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, education was a big deal in prisons. Not just vocational education, not just GEDs, but serious college-level ed.

    Then around the mid-70s America got its sick twisted sadism on and decide educating or rehabilitating inmates was a waste of precious tax dollars and it was time to punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish. Punish inmates for committing crimes, punish poor people for being poor, punish rape victims for being raped, punish sick people for being sick. An orgy of sadism and brutality and what do we have to show for it after 40 years?

    The world’s largest per capita prison population and an epidemic of out-of-control gun violence. Great job, criminal justice system.

    Some social scientist seriously suggested that instead of putting inmates in prison they should be given the sum total that would be spent on their incarceration, several hundred thousand dollars each, and set free. At this point, that would probably be a better alternative than what we’ve got.

    The loons and fools voting for three strikes and more prisons don’t seem to realize that unless you incarcerate every criminal for life without parole, at some point those criminals will be set free and they will do to society what the prison system has done to them.

  42. 42.

    mclaren

    In other news:

    China sets up first unmanned factory. Productivity triples and quality improves by 20%.

    If you think this isn’t the future, you’re not thinking hard enough.

    We need to start a serious national discussion about a guaranteed minimum income for every American, and we need to do it now.

  43. 43.

    Brachiator

    Arrived late, really enjoyed Sarah, Proud and Tall’s reverie. All it was missing was baby Trump being placed in a basket and sailed down the river to Queens.

    The kicking around of srv was fun as well.

  48. 48.

    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason

    Welcome back SPaT! That was an excellent summary of The Donald’s immigration issues. I will go pour another bourbon and read it again.

  55. 55.

    Duane

    Our local TV news leader ran a promo saying ” Woman in area jail becomes pregnant. Find out how at 10.” I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair.

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