Homophobe Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien is, unsurprisingly, a closeted homosexual who has been accused of sexual misconduct against other priests going back 30 years. He confessed yesterday and will retire, which is more than enough punishment, and we should leave him alone because he’s asked forgiveness from those he “offended”. Luckily, his retirement occurred before the vote for a new Pope, and we know that all the other Cardinals have no history of participating in, covering up or otherwise tolerating bad sexual behavior, so they’ll be free to elect another old man who can explain exactly why God hates fags, why sluts shouldn’t have birth control and why pregnant, bleeding women should die in Catholic hospitals while doctors are forced to wait to make sure their fetus is really, truly dead.
Speaking of wandering penises and brass balls, dedicated hiker Mark Sanford asked his ex-wife to manage his House campaign, saying “I could pay you this time.”