As much as I liked California, the flight home was epic suck. For whatever reason, despite reserving an aisle seat and confirming an aisle seat as I checked in, I was nonetheless given a ticket that, when I boarded the plane, put me squarely crammed into a window seat. At 6’1″ and having lost my girlish figure long ago, wedging my copious ass into a window seat for 5 hours is teh awesome. Even better, I managed to draw the seat in which the window is not really there, but I got half of the window in front of me and half of the one behind, which means- a huge ass hunk of airframe in my shoulder for 5 hours.
To make the flight more fun, I got seated next to a young college couple who went through various displays of public affection for the duration of the flight. She was fidgety- I never realized that the little air nozzle on airplanes that control individual airflow required direct and active supervision for the entire flight until sitting next to her. He was uninterested, instead choosing to spend his time reading the Fountainhead.
That, in and of itself was disconcerting. He looked like a young preppy frat boy, probably 20-21, so I had the classic dilemma. Did I raise a scene and rip it out of his hands and replace it with the copy of the Bacevich book in my carry-on bag, or maybe the latest Vanity Fair, thereby saving the world of another glibertarian intent on ruining the online world with more inane Tech Central Daily posts? Or did I run the odds and hope that there would be no long-term damage done to his young mind? Youth recover quickly, and there is a solid chance that he might outgrow the harm at least by age thirty.
I never came to a decision about what to do. I just put the headphones on and watch the inflight movie, which was Wall-E. The young co-ed loved that- alternately squealing, giggling, and damping at moist eyes during the “poignant” parts. I just tried to concentrate on the movie, rather than throttling the 5 year old kicking the back of my seat or telling his mother to cover her damned mouth when she coughed. I will have to watch it again some time, and it may turn out that if I watch it when I am not plotting the murder of fellow passengers, I will enjoy it more.
I think over Iowa, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life, but the TSA folks had made sure I had no sharp objects. I think if I am ever told I am going to die in a month, I will immediately board a plane- that will make the thirty days seem like forever.
Oh yeah. They lost my god damned luggage, too. Allegedly, that will be delivered tomorrow.
*** Update ***
Shouldn’t they have to give me the 15 bucks back for checking my luggage, since they lost it? And why are they still charging me anyway, now that prices for fuel are back to normal and they are still running smaller jam packed planes with not so much as one empty seat and a skeleton crew of aggravated flight attendants? Bastards.
And here is Lewis CK telling me to shut up and to stop being such a whiner:
