More of the latest Letter from Brexitannia:
… So, last week, there were elections.
We don’t have Midterms over here, but what we do have are a series of staggered local elections for constituencies all over the country, and last week 200 local councils were up for the first time since 2018. Tory MPs have been muttering for months that they’d wait to see what happened in May before coming to any firm conclusions about Flobalob’s future accommodations, which is understandable when you remember that the average Tory MP is so spineless and venal they make Ted Cruz look like Steve Rodgers. As is typical of the breed, they’ve utilised every bullshit excuse imaginable to put off having to take a stand one way or another. “We have to wait for the results of the Sue Grey inquiry” they whined. “We have to wait for the results of the Police investigation” they moaned. “We have to wait for the results of the Russian Invasion of Ukraine” they didn’t actually say, but definitely implied. Behind the bullshit what they’ve really been saying is “We have to wait for the results of actual elections to see if he’s still box-office gold or a leaden drag on our chances of staying on the Westminster gravy-train” Corruption and dishonesty and treason are all just par for the course, but don’t you threaten my seat, you big bastard!
As the elections drew nearer the polls were so bad that the Tory Press was soon floating ‘exclusives’ claiming that the Party was worried about losing a whopping 800 seats, which was obviously a ridiculous number chosen because it gave plenty of scope to pivot to “It would have been worse without Boris!” headlines if losses, as expected, were under that. Wiser heads were talking about 200 to 300 losses being a bad night, with 400 losses being catastrophic for Flobalob’s chances of avoiding a vote of no confidence. One strong indication of what was expected to happen, and why, came from the constituency Tories who had to actually venture forth into the towns and cities of Lesser Brexitannia to campaign for votes. Their literature had no pictures of Flobalob, many of them didn’t even have the word ‘Conservative’ on them, and those that did often changed it to ‘Local Conservative’, which apart from the very apt League of Gentlemen connotations (“We didn’t burn him!”) sent a signal loud and clear across the land. Flobalob had become toxic on many doorsteps, and any losses would be blamed 100% on him.
They lost 485 seats. 63 of those in Scotland, 86 in Wales, which by my math means they lost 331 in England. That’s really, really bad.
They lost Westminster FFS. Westminster! Rendering Flobalob the first Prime Minister in history to live in a Labour run constituency. Scotland and Wales gave the Blue Rosettes as comprehensive a two-fingered salute as you could want to see. They did pick up a few new councillors in parts of London, some spots in the northwest and rural Scotland, but they were pitiful compared to the tsunami of Fuck Yous pouring in from everywhere else. The BBC’s outgoing Political Editor Laura ‘Luv U BoJo’ Kuenssberg was almost inconsolable and had to be dragged away from a digital map of constituencies lost and gained on the night because she kept on trying to ‘provide balance’ by colouring them in with a blue sharpie.
Guest Post — Tony Jay, SCRATCHING AROUND… Part 2Post + Comments (40)