Note: What with Donald Trump behaving like David Duke and the many terrible tornado deaths, I feel a little guilty joking about anything. However, as some fine young women once sang “Some Days You Gotta Dance”. On with the badinage. 9.52am BST – Well, my little carbuncles, I’m finally seated in the Abbey …
Live dispatches from the Royal WeddingPost + Comments (94)
10.09am – Heavens. There was a woman there wearing a hat that looked like a stork had swallowed a serving dish.
10.11am – Gareth is cruising a rather dishy Guardsman. I had to steal the Queen Mother’s line to Noel Coward. “I wouldn’t if I were you, Noel – they count them before they put them out.”
The flowers are quite lovely, by the way. I think green is so flattering to young skin.
I’ve only just recovered from the horror of Vicky Beckham’s hat. It looked like a pencil holder designed by Tim Burton.
10.20am – The bridegroom and the best man have arrived, wearing their nice hats. So useful for the less hirsute gentleman. I wonder if William is going to keep his on all day?
10.21am – Apparently not.
10.22am – Dear Harry does look so like his daddy.
10.38am – I spotted one gentleman coming in just now who appeared to be hepped up on crystal. I hope no one scares the poor thing.
10.42am – There is a woman in blue (apparently one of Fergie’s spawn) who is wearing an exploded bantam on her head.
10.50am – The Duchess of Cornwall came up briefly to say hello to me on her way in. Betty Windsor has obviously told Camilla that I know where the brake-line-snipping bodies are buried. She kept laughing nervously at me and giving odd little shakes of her head. It was like being befriended by a mule eating a toffee.
10.51am – The Queen has apparently come dressed as a yellow marshmallow peep. She may be the yellowest thing I have ever seen this side of George W. Bush.
11.03am – Jesus. I haven’t seen that much gratuitous train since “Atlas Shrugged”.
11.09am – Heavens, she’s thin. Vicky Beckham was glaring daggers at her. At least we can tell this isn’t a shotgun wedding. Well, not unless Kate has had the baby moved to her summer uterus for the week.
11.14am – Poor William looks skeerder than Donald Trump when his limo broke down in the Bronx.
11.19am – Awwww.
11.30am – Good grief. I’m going to ask Gareth to wake me up when the endless singing is over.
11.35am –
Joseph Nobles – Sarah, since you avoided the signal interference, you might have caught the understatement of the wedding. Dad was helping Kate get her dress arranged, lifting it up and around, and a TV perp evidently said: “Michael Middleton just making sure everything is unsoiled and undamaged”.
I don’t often admit that words fail me.
11.46am – When does the drinking start?
11.46am – Given the use of the term “sobriety” in the sermon, apparently the answer is never.
11.48am – Does David Cameron always look like a worried spaniel?
11.57am – It’s almost done. Cambridge has a new Duchess, Princess Anne can take off her ugly hat that looks like a licorice allsort, Prince Andrew can stop holding in his tummy, and Grammy can get a damn drink.
12.36pm – I’m off dears. Gareth’s Guardsman tells me he has a friend.
All in all, it was a lovely wedding. Kate looked stunning. William and his brother both looked dashing, and William and Kate are clearly in love, which makes for a nice change. There were wacky hats everywhere. No one comes close to the British on pomp and circumstance. After all, all they need to do is play “Jerusalem” and old ladies like me tear up. What more could a girl ask for?
All my love – Sarah xx