Every Christmas, Annie, the younger of my two sisters, insists on sending everyone a stocking. I know it is supposed to be a sweet gesture, and I appreciate it in that sense, but she also ends up sending me a bunch of little crap I will never use. She knows I like to cook, so she sends me stuff like those little sample jars of spices that are some odd combination of shit that you will only use once that works with only one kind of meat or fish that you probably only have once a year and inevitably use once and then it sits in your cabinet for three years just getting in the way of the spices you actually fucking use, occasionally falling out and spilling everywhere. Or my personal favorite over the last decade, the plastic onion for you to put a partially used onion in the fridge to save. I have never used a half an onion in my life.
At any rate, I end up with a bunch of shit I never use that sits around in a container or various places like the mantle until someone decides they want it and I let them take it or I throw it out or do whatever it is with shit that disappears around my house. Again, in the off chance she is reading this, I appreciate the gesture, Annie, but just send me some fucking wool socks or dog treats. Or send nothing and take yourself out to eat- that would make me happy!
The other thing that is irritating is that I generally abhor single use kitchen items. I understand the need for some things like a peeler or a cherry pitter, etc., but most everything else can be done with a knife. UNTIL NOW, THAT IS, AS THIS YEAR ANNIE SENT ME THE GREATEST SINGLE USE ITEM I HAVE EVER OWNED. And it is this:
That is a pineapple corer/slicer/cutter. It’s fucking amazing. It’s a game changer. You simply cut the top and bottom off the pineapple, insert that thing, twist it, and pull out, and YOU EAT PINEAPPLE. This thing is so fucking amazing that were a Presidential candidate to merely run on the platform “Pineapple Corer 2020” I would vote for them.
No longer will I walk into my Kroger and see a sale with pineapples for a dollar a piece and think “That’s a great deal but skinning a pineapple is a kick in the dick” and move on. I mean you get juice everywhere, you either cut too thick and waste edible fruit or too thin and eat the leathery dimples. Just a pain in the ass.
My life has changed today, people.