I am struggling to make it to nine o clock before going to bed. Thought I would check in and say hi, but not much to say. Just really tired.
Tired Old Man
by John Cole| 51 Comments
This post is in: John Cole Presents "Stories from the Road"
Tired Old Man
We’re All Mad Here
Today was another long day, and it is so weird. I keep having flashbacks to when I was back in my old apartment 20 years ago when I went through this the last time. I actually woke up this morning and walked into the wall because I was walking in the dark using the path to the bathroom in my old apartment I lived in two place previous to this. I hit the wall and was “wtf” and realized what had happened.
I guess what I want most to say (other than thanks for the well wishes) is that if you are currently on anti-depressants and decide that you want to raw-dog life and get off them because you are feeling better, don’t. Unless a doctor comes to you and says “I really think you need to go off this” and then you check with a couple other doctors, STAY ON YOUR FUCKING MEDS. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. You fucking moron (and this is directed at me).
For those of you who have gone through this or are going through it, you know what it feels like- to some extent. I’m sure it manifests in different ways in different people, but for me it’s just a number of different things- a general sense of twitchiness and nervousness. Sometimes I’m reading something and notice my hands or as I am typing this I feel like someone else looking through my eyes- “there’s someone in my head but it’s not me.”
Anything that presents a minor cognitive challenge can almost bring me to tears. I wanted to check my email but could not remember my password because my password manager was locked and I would need to find my phone to authorize the account and it was all just too much- “Welp, that’s not going to happen.”
Rolling waves of fear. You know how sometimes when you sneeze or you get asmr from music and the hairs on your arms and legs stand up and you get a tingling pleasant feeling roll over your body- like that, but it feels cancerous and rotting and evil.
Heightened awareness of anything going on with your body- this hurts, is it a heart attack? I coughed- do I have lung cancer?
The fear that this is never going to go away. You know it is, because you have been here before, but will it end this time? Can I go on like this? What if the meds do not work? What if this isn’t my head but some horrible disease that is undiagnosed and there is poison running through my veins.
For me, a loss of appetite. I’ve eaten a can of soup in the can, a couple bananas, and a bowl of cereal in the past 48 hours. I wasn’t even hungry to eat that, but made myself.
Just a horrifying sense of fragility. Just the whole sense of “I can not do this today” whenever the idea of an interaction with another person not in my close circle tries to interact or talk with me. The fear I am forgetting something important. And on and on.
For those of you who have gone through this, does any of this sound familiar? I didn’t really talk about this much the first time it happened because I was ashamed and felt weak and that I was letting the people who counted on me down. This time around my attitude is fuck them they can all wait I’ll be there when I am well.
Light sensitivity.
And Another Thing
I will be starting an onlyfans to help cover the cost of my heating bill because jesus christ it is fucking freezing here. Arizona broke me.
Home Crap Home
Wednesday Night Open Thread
So close, but yet so far. Another long day on the road, and I could have conceivably made it home tonight, but I decided I would rather stop and do the last five hours tomorrow than drive in the dark when exhausted. I’m really too tired to talk in detail about the trip, but I will fill you all in tomorrow night when I am settled at home. The route I took home sucked compared to the trip out, I’ll just say that.
I would like to give a shout out to the amazing people in Missouri who made this billboard a possibility.
I was unable to react fast enough to get a picture of the billboard for the Uranus Fudge Factory, but it does in fact exist.
Tuesday Night Open Thread
Long, long day today. Got up at around 4:30, showered up, threw the lads in the back, and hit the road. Was trying to see how far I could make it and maybe wrap this trip up in two days, but was only able to make it to Weatherford, Oklahoma, which exists but for reasons I do not know why, and I am fucking exhausted. The boys are fine.
I’ll have more to say tomorrow but just wanted to check in before going to bed.
Monday Night Open Thread
At this point I am a nervous ball of anxiety walking around making sure I have not missed anything. I’m planning on just putting the cats in the car before bed and letting them acclimate over night while I am not around to hear their bullshit, so their space in the car is all ready to go:
My luggage except my travel bag is in the carrier on top, in the front seat I have a small electric cooler to keep beverages and Steve’s insulin. Everything else is staying. I’m not really leaving any clothes because I didn’t bring a helluva lot of stuff, and besides, if I keep disciplined and continue to watch what I eat, none of them are going to fit in six months when I come back anyway.
Speaking of weight loss, I am down 32 lbs since what I refer to as “Peak John Cole” and I am down over 20 since I got here. I’ve really gotten quite used to this new way of doing things, which is basically to exercise a lot more, and I basically don’t eat during the day. After the first week or so, I don’t even really get hungry during the day- and I was never a big morning eater anyway. So basically I just exercise, drink tons of water, and then just eat from the hours of 4-9 pm. Will I always do this? I have no fucking idea. It’s working for now and I am definitively a “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” kind of guy. If I get super hungry I’ll have a healthful snack, but those times are few and far between. Am I grumpy during the day without eating? Yes, but that is because I am awake and not because I am hungry.
At any rate, I am sad to leave. The sun is a nice thing and I wish there was more of it back in West By God. I am also glad I am getting out of here before the sun becomes a weapon against all mankind. And it’s time to start getting things ready for the garden and I have to power wash the house, and the front porch needs to be painted, and Gerald ripped down 2/3 of my ridiculously sized deck because I could not afford either mentally or financially to keep repairing the thing and replacing boards every year and I never really used it anyway, so now I need to go paint it, and move all the plants that were surrounding the deck but are now just in the middle of the yard because there was no deck.
At any rate, I’ll holler at you from some Red Roof Inn or some other place in the midwest tomorrow night. Be nice to each other for a fucking change.