As you may know, I’m a big fan of Cedric the Entertainer’s epic “I Wish A Motherfucker Would” routine. For the uninitiated, the idea is that when some people are late for a show, they hope that no one sit has already taken their seats, whereas when others are late for a show, they wish a motherfucker would take their seats so that they can kick the motherfucker out of the seats. In Cedric’s telling, the hopers are white people and the wishers are black. But as anyone who’s spent much time in the northeast can tell you, that’s completely wrong, for no one could possibly wish a motherfucker would more than my mom’s Irish-Catholic family wishes a motherfucker would. It is unusual for me to spend more than ten minutes with my mom’s brother without hearing him tell a story a with this basic outline: (1) a person slights him in some way, (2) he pulls some kind of rank on the person, and (3) the person is forced to apologize and give him a free drink or better table or hotel room upgrade.
That’s why to me, “No Irish Need Apply” is the ultimate Irish-American song. The plot: (1) Irish man sees job listing with the note “No Irish Need Apply”, (2) Irish man visits the employer and is told he can’t have the job because he’s Irish, and (3) see the lyrics below:
I couldn’t stand it longer
So a hold of him I took
And gave him such a welting
As he’d get at Donnybrook
He hollered, “Milia murther”
And to get away did try
And swore he’d never write again
“No Irish Need Apply”
Well he made a big apology
I told him then goodbye
Saying, “When next you want a beating
Write ‘No Irish Need Apply’ ”
I suppose that that’s why I can never be an NPR liberal. I’d rather pummel my adversaries into submission — figuratively or literally — than politely agree to disagree.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!