CNN’s Betsy Klein says pivots aren’t just for POTUS — Ivanka gets a reset too. Okay then:
The White House
Office of the Press SecretaryFor Immediate Release
August 02, 2017
Presidential Advisor Ivanka Trump Delegates Duties to Potted Plant
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that Ivanka Trump, Special Advisor to the President, will relinquish her White House duties to a potted plant of the Dracaena fragrans variety. The plant will reside in the First Daughter’s West Wing office, where it will retain the services of Ms. Trump’s staff.
Aides will be responsible for transporting the plant to White House events, such as medal ceremonies, interviews and symbolic document signings. They will also periodically deliver it to the Oval Office to advise the President on matters related to Ms. Trump’s portfolio.
A staffer who commented on the condition of anonymity reported that the plant selected to take over Ms. Trump’s duties is a “lead plant” that will rely on the services of “auxilliary plants” located outside of Washington, D.C. The expanded roster of plant stand-ins will represent Ms. Trump at events in other regions.
By fielding a team of plants, the White House will eliminate the necessity of passing agricultural inspections that might be required should the D.C.-based plant representing Ms. Trump be transported across state lines — particularly to blue states that are sticklers about environmental regulations.
“The transition won’t have any effect whatsoever on Ivanka’s portfolio, which includes ‘women,’” said the staffer, employing air quotes to emphasize the word “women.”
“The tall, leggy, decorative corn plant is an ideal replacement, given its height, skill set and intellectual capacity. In addition to ably handling Ms. Trump’s portfolio, we expect the plant will be less expensive to maintain since it will only require occasional watering rather than frequent infusions of Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Lattes from Starbucks.”
The mahogany coat rack currently embroiled in Israeli-Palestinian peace negotiations in lieu of Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner offered no comment on the transition.
But seriously, how the fuck do you get a reset when you don’t do anything? It’s like me saying I’m making a comeback as an opera singer. FFS! I was never an opera singer!
Anyhoo. Open thread.
YOU get a reset! And YOU get a reset! Everyone gets a reset!Post + Comments (475)