I feel like I have been cheating on you all, saving my best stories for the book of faces and the twitter machine, so here are two things that happened in the last 24 hours that you will find amusing. From last night:
So my favorite trick or treater tonight was a little girl, who was 3-4 years old and she and her same aged friend came slowly, timidly, to the door. She was dressed as a princess and carrying one of those plastic pumpkins to hold her candy. They knocked and said trick or treat, and I opened the door to give them candy, and held out a big bowl of assorted treats. Without missing a beat, she handed her pumpkin to her friend, took the entire bowl from me, and started down the sidewalk.
I just started laughing. Her mother was mortified. Funniest thing I have seen a kid do on Halloween.
And today, this horrible event unfolded:
I had one reese cup left over from yesterday because I gave the extra bags of candy away to neighbors because I can not be trusted with it. After hours of it staring at me and me saying to myself “You don’t need it you fat bastard” I broke down and went to eat it. As I was opening it I fumbled with the wrapper and dropped it and it rolled underneath my desk and Thurston lunged for it, and I reacted by thrusting my foot as far as it would go under the desk because dogs and chocolate. And now I have a fucking reese cup stuck to the bottom of my shoe and I am stuck with the guilt of breaking down and eating it even when I didn’t get to and fuck you I hate this cruel world.
This is the first election since 1992 that I simply can not bring myself to turn on cable news but briefly. I am so fucking ready for this to be over. Steve can sense it, though, and has been extra lovey.