More than a decade ago, my kid made me watch “The Perks of Being a Wallflower.” I mostly kept my skepticism to myself, but I wasn’t impressed. In my opinion, the film would have been much improved with more Joan Cusack and less puerile adolescent self pity.
But one line from it stuck with me: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I think that’s true. I’ve seen the thesis borne out in good relationships and terrible ones, in my own life and from what I’ve observed in the lives of others.
With this framework in mind, I’ve offered congratulations to many marrying friends, sometimes thinking to myself “good luck with that, pal” and other times confident things will work out.
Observing from a distance, I think John and Joelle belong in the latter category. All I really know about Joelle is that she knows a mensch when she sees one; she recognized the loving, compassionate, honest center John conceals beneath the curmudgeonly exterior. ‘Tis enough!
I don’t know much, but I’ve managed to stay happily married for nearly 30 years — more than four times as long as my own quarreling parents did! Here are my Five Rules for Staying Married for a Long Time:
- Life is inevitably filled with sorrow — there’s no escaping it. But sadness will overwhelm you if you focus on it, so choose joy and laughter when you can and add to each other’s happiness.
- Don’t keep score over petty shit like who takes out the trash or empties the dishwasher more often. If there’s an imbalance, talk through it instead of letting resentment build.
- Give each other the benefit of the doubt, and forgive each other’s failings.
- Believe in each other’s dreams, always hold each other’s best interests in your hearts, and be one another’s best advocate.
- Be loving, generous and kind to each other since your partner deserves that.
To John and Joelle, there are more than eight billion people on the planet, and you two chose each other. You deserve — and have accepted — love from the best sort of person. From my seat in the peanut gallery, that seems like a hopeful sign!
With much affection, I wish you both the best and sweetest of life for many years to come.
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To the rest of you lot, I’m usually an open thread kinda gal, but maybe it would be good to keep this one focused a bit, e.g., well-wishes for the adorable couple, advice for the road ahead, etc.?
You can always verbally clobber each other for being wrong on the internet and get snippy about perceived slights in one of the other threads. Thanks in advance!



