Speaking of the conservative humor deficit, someone (and may he or she ROT IN FUCKING HELL) signed me up for Jonah Goldberg’s newsletter at my email addy linked to this blog. It’s one of the most consistently cringe-worthy efforts I’ve ever encountered, so why keep it to myself? This is how the current edition starts off:
Dear Reader (and deer-readers, on the off chance there are any ruminant mammals of the Cervidae family who’ve managed to subscribe to this “news”letter),
People often ask me, “Why are you wearing a spaghetti colander as a codpiece?” The short answer is, “Because a salad bowl doesn’t breathe enough. Duh.”
But none of that is important right now. Because the new phonebook is here! That’s right. Since last we spoke, a man who looked like he was out on work release hurled at my house a five-pound print-out of some of the least interesting information on the Internet.
This is the obligatory moment where I link to this clip of Navin Johnson exuberantly receiving the new phonebook. Navin’s boss thinks it’s nothing to get worked up about and Navin responds, “Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 — Johnson, Navin R.! I’m somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity — your name in print — that makes people. I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.”
Which brings me to another question I’m often asked, “How long does it take you to write a column?” The short answer to this is something along the lines of “Shut the #$%^ up! I’ve got to get this column done!” And then I bury a ballpoint pen about three inches into the intern’s forehead.
For real — this is what passes for yoot-ful humor at NRO, so quick, make with the abortion jokes, Liberty U SoCons.